FOREIGNER – Toby’s return from his quest.
Toby returns from his quest, he is finally back at the village until he sees stern faces from the girls that were doing their daily tasks. Some girls hid their faces from him, pretending to clean pots, scrub the walls of the huts. It was clear some were mimicking a task as to seem busy, and to not look at him directly. Other girls seemed unbothered, not understanding the gravity of the situation, or simply just not caring. One girl, the one who seemed to dislike Toby the most, stomped up to him, craning her neck up to meet his eyes as her head just about reached his belly button.
Namasuya: “It’s all your fault!” She yelped at him, perhaps it would’ve been a roar had she been older.
Now suddenly the village yard was quiet. Everyone was curious as to hear the shouting that happened in the yard. Some women peered through the beads that hung through the doors inside the huts.
Toby just got back from completing an extremely arduous quest. First, what seemed like a normal rescue then turned into a conflict between his own friends due to disagreements among them. Their friendship was ultimately left soured, and all have parted ways after discovering heavy secrets about one another.
Toby releases a heavy sigh that wasn’t heavy enough to release the frustration he was experiencing at that moment.
Toby: “Of course, the day doesn’t feel complete without you screaming at me about something.” He croaks, he places both hands onto the spear he is holding, and gently leans onto it.
Namasuya throws the hardest punch her little self could muster. Toby grunts, his body jolting but still keeping his leaned, lazy posture against the spear. Before Toby could protest, Namasuya begins shouting at him.
Namasuya: Sayella got injured trying to find your stupid sister in the woods!
He couldn’t have known when the spear fell, but it clanged on the dirt earth. Toby burst into a full sprint. He tried to ignore the pain in his chest, that pain that seemed as if a hand managed to phase through him and pinched at his heart.
When Toby first arrived at the village, Sayella scared him the most. She was the tallest in the village, towering even Toby who’s head only managed to reach under her breast. She wore the traditional tribal wear, a short vest that went down to the top of her belly, and a long, embroidered skirt that had the blue markings of her tribe. Her body was soft with scant hints of musculature, but even this was enough to make her the most muscular woman of her tribe. She welded the longest spear in the land, the point reaching just above her head. Toby was already getting verbal and physical insults from the other girls, being that he is the only male in his tribe, but Sayella’s face did not show any hints of warmth. After spending time studying her, Toby realised that Sayella was not bothered by his presence, as she had other village duties to maintain. Upon realising that Toby was scared of her, Sayella made an effort to smile to put him at ease, and since then her reputation had changed from a fierce warrior to a protective spirit.
As he ran across the yard, he phased through whispers and curses, his eyes saw a blur of brown as he kept them fixed on the ground, avoiding stares of judgement. Toby wasn’t too far now, the healer’s compounds was only one left turn. He arrives swiftly, and witnesses a crowd of women gathered outside. Some girls held each other, others weeeped while the rest, amidst the crowd, were gathering around another woman, who seemed to be at least in her thirties, giving a powerful speech, one that invoked rage.
“Do you see what has happened since we have allowed these foreigners to live among us?” She roared, gesturing her arm at the healer’s compound.
You could benefit from writing lessons. Try the Yellow Pages. Failing that, go online and try www.writebetterstories.com and see if you can find a writing tutor. Exchange emails for a while and see how that goes. You'll get some writing in that way. Then use this experience as inspiration for the next great thing you will write, perhaps something that will reach the length of a novella give or take a few chapters.
Alright, I'll check out the resources you've provided. Thank you!
My advice tho: you're dumping informations, which is not really interesting. I.e when you're explaining what the quest was (Toby just got back...) and the final result. Is that necessary to say.
Sometimes you show AND tell, when showing is enough. I.e if people "peered through beds..." Maybe it's not necessary to write that they are curious. We already understand thanks to their actions. + Thru/thru twice.
"Toby burst into a full sprint. [...] His heart." : I cannot feel the pain, not because of the prose, but bcoz I dont know all these people. Can't have empathy, it's too early. Maybe his decisions and actions are enough.
"When toby first...[...] protective spirit": massive info dumping.
"Giving a powerful speech [...] Invoked rage": i'd either write the speech (a powerful one if possible), or describe ppl reactions (the effect).
In general, dont tell us what we are supposed to feel.
I like the idea of this guy being the only male of his tribe. What will be the consequences ? (No, getting laid is not that interesting)
Good job bro! Sorry for my bad english
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU For taking your time to write this up! Your English is perfect! I'm just so happy someone took the time to read this. I'll try and stop with the info dumps. I'm gonna come back to this comment and give it a proper read a couple of times throughout the day because this comment really made my day. Thank you so much!
I'm happy to help bro
Problems: information dumps, choppy, uninteresting sentences, no real hook at the start of the story to draw the reader in, and the form for your dialogue is incorrect. You really need to take some writing classes taught by a teacher who knows what he/she is doing, and start all over again.
Appreciate it! I definitely do this as a hobby and a professional will definitely do me good. Thanks for your feedback!
Appreciate all the advice I've gotten so far! I'll admit, exposition dumps are a problem to me because my favourite author is George R.R.Martin. I love how he builds his world and his characters through exposition. But I understand that this is a new age and to be an efficient writer I need to hook the reader. Maybe I've misrepresented GRRM's writing. I will definitely do some work on this soon. Thank you to everyone who spent the time to read this.
Martin’s work is dense but this is not an accurate example of how you both use exposition. Your work reads more like a summary, or even a treatment, and not actual prose. For example: Some girls hid their faces from him, pretending to clean pots, scrub the walls of the huts. It was clear some were mimicking a task as to seem busy, and to not look at him directly ..
This is “telling.” You’re telling us what happens and what we should take from the scene. Showing is more like taking the time to describe what it looks like when someone pretends to clean something to avoid looking at someone else. What you’ve written is just…a summary. Summaries are not especially enjoyable to read.
You don’t want to tell your reader what to think/feel, you want to craft a scene which causes your reader to think for themselves what you want them to think/feel. Instead of saying something like “Camila was a clever person,” you write the whole scene out so that your reader thinks without you ever directly prompting them, “wow, that Camila is one clever person…”
You seem to be taking feedback well and that makes it worth the time to give you some more…in this case you seem to be saying, well this famous author uses exposition like me, but it’s a different time now so I guess I have to adapt - what worked for Martin doesn’t work now …
With respect, that’s nonsense and just an excuse/deflection. Martin would pull a good 1500 word scene from this one sentence referenced here…he certainly has a tendency to overwrite…but that isn’t really the same thing as what’s happening in your writing. You’re actually doing the opposite of what Martin does.
You’re summarizing when you should be expanding these beats, telling when you want to be showing. If anything Martin meanders…you sprint. Slow down. Immerse yourself in the scene and don’t be in a rush.
I apologise if this may have seemed to be me preposterously defending my work. I'll admit, I used to be averse to criticism in my younger days but I've learned to appreciate the fact that someone literally read the crap I wrote and decided to give me critique. Like you didn't have to read this, and you did, and I thank you so much. I'm sorry if my explanation seemed to come across as defensive, I just wanted to explain to people what my process is, since I'm inspired by GRRM, but I'm a novice. I want to learn how to write. And you are right. I am always willing to change for the people that actually spend time to read what I wrote, so again, thank you. I will be reading this post a couple of times.
Edit: Also thank you so much for clearly explaining the flaws in my writing. I understood exactly what you were critiquing. Show, don't tell. I've had another commenter tell me about showing so this is something I definitely need to work on.
Edit 2: Glad that you called me out about me justifying my work because Martin did it and that it's a different time. I need people to tell me that I'm a crock of shit full of excuses.
I like you! Well done. Writing is a skill like any other in the creative field. Yours is a refreshing attitude and I already know you’ll go on to write some great stories. I hope you post more pieces!