I have been a casual writer for maybe a year now, and one thing which has constantly stumped me is style. I've had so many people tell me my writing isn't good or that it lacks personality so i thought I might as well to the adult thing and ask for help. Here's an link to my writing (a brief first draft) so you can get a feel for it if you wish; https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Pco2Z_OM_RP-Dc6lPeE-rdxrRYWGJ7lQ3FB_G1ORsME/edit?usp=sharing
First of all, wtf is a "courteous courtyard?" How can a courtyard be courteous? Regardless, the alliteration right off the bat sounds silly, and you're clearly not going for silly with this story.
I think that's actually a good example of a lot I saw in this story: you're trying to do too much. You're straining for prose and it feels dense and forced and doesn't work in some spots. In others, it was just confusing. For example:
By the end of the story I gather he's an actual explorer? But "of a scandalous variety" makes it sound like a euphemism (like an explorer of bodies or something), which makes the sentence after that even more confusing. Like, why would you object? If he's an actual explorer, what makes an explorer scandalous?
Also, your descriptions of time are odd. "Last beats of a second" How many beats are in a second? Can a second be divided into beats? Or "for three moments." Can you count moments? Or "14 pounding beats" and "6 more heartbeats." It's oddly precise. Like you're standing there just counting your heartbeats.
Like another comment said, read this aloud and see if it sounds natural to you. It's certainly good for only being at it a year, I just think a little bit less would be more, so to speak.
Read the first paragraph out loud to yourself.
Ok, so...likely not my cuppa tea but...I think you're off to a fair start. I read it in its entirety (usually never get past the first sentence or so). You have written it to make one curious as to the rest of the story.
I suggest you keep writing, get your story down and by the time you've finished it (novel, novella, short story, etc) you will have likely gotten a better grasp of writing and in the edit will see where you need to improve.
TL:DR not nearly as bad as you fear
The 1st paragraph definitely needs work and is probably why people were criticising you. The prose is too flowery your describing nothing interesting which distracts from the story you want to tell. The actual hook is solid if this is the beginning and overall I thought the rest was good.
Writing courteous courtyard twice raises eyebrows because we the reader have no clue why it’s courteous. Also there is too much repetition in the text too.
Sent view request.
I commend your courage. Feedback is equally as important as the act of writing itself. Most dip a toe or test the waters--not you. Swan dived into the deep end without a second thought!
Good on you for going out and looking for honest feedback. That gives you a leg up over many/most writers :)
I can’t view your work, but based on other comments, keep these in mind—some are things your 7th grade English teacher told you, but doesn’t make them wrong:
Don’t use 15 words when five will accomplish the same thing.
Don’t use a $5 word when a $1 word works just fine.
Try to limit adverbs; the “never more than one per page” is silly/unrealistic. But the biggest places to avoid using them: when paired with adjectives, and when affixed to dialogue.
Turning a phrase doesn’t (always) mean using big words. Readers are most impressed by how well you keep them engaged, not by vocabulary.