Just a quick mini paragraph me and my friend decided to write a little differently.
1... I couldn’t stay and watch. Couldn’t stay and see the inevitable. Bodies that littered the ground, withering in pain and howling to the dark sky that wouldn’t answer. Blood will stain the ground, only brightening for the world to see the past as the sun rose to see its present.
2.... I couldn’t stay and watch. Couldn’t stay to see the inevitable. Bodies littered the ground, withering in pain, howling at a dark sky that offered no answer. Blood stained the earth, bright against the soil, laid bare for the world when the sun rose to witness what had already been done.
#2 is better by quite a bit, I think.
2 is much better writing wise, but then it randomly switches person (“I couldn’t stay and watch” and then immediately describing what happened in visual detail even tho we know the character wasn’t there to see it. The “blood will stain the ground” makes way more sense for the pov of the character.)
2.
I'd say 2 is better. It's the last sentence for me; it flows better for me even if it's structured more wordily.
Le 2 est meilleur