So a couple of months ago i broke up with my now ex boyfriend. We were talking about kids and other silly future problem stuff and he brought up that if i ever aborted on my own choice he would leave me. He said he knew this would be a breaking point for our relationship, but we needed to talk about it. I told him i would understand in some escenarios, like if we already planned a baby and suddenly I don't want it. But in any other case it was not his decision to make.
He didn't deny it was my choice, but that the burden of it would be just too much. At that moment i felt betrayed, over a thing that didn't even happen yet. The thought of him leaving me on one of my most vulnerable moment of my life, choosing an unborn child over the supposed woman he loved made me feel like an object and not his partner. At that moment i broke up with him, since he said he wouldn't change his mind about this. I just decided to let it go. But i still feel a bit of regret and sadness thinking i might've overreacted to this information, but other times i feel like i was just not as loved, since i accepted other situations where he didn't take care of himself, risking his life and still wanting to be there for him. I'm loosing my mind over this, so do you think i made the right choice?
You 100% did. You trusted your gut and made the right choice. That’s not to say it wasn’t hard, and you are allowed to feel sad about it. But to risk committing yourself to a person who told you, he would leave you in your most vulnerable moment? Over abortion? That’s dangerous.
Good on you!
💯💯
You 1000% made the right choice. I would've done the same thing. The thought of my partner leaving me when I'm going through such a tough situation is insane. It would make me feel less loved too.
It's like, "I'll be there for you, but you won't for me?". Wild.
You take care and keep doing you boo. You got this 🌷
Even changing your mind if it was already planned is completely up to you love. It. Is. Your. Body. Do not let these boys make you powerless over it.
So many women and girls are dealing with guilt over leaving boys that aren’t mature enough or trustworthy enough to show you the love you deserve. I’ve been there. I recommend speaking to a good therapist about trusting yourself and strengthening self-esteem
You made the right choice. I'm in my late 30's, have two kids of my own from a previous relationship and one with my husband (together 10 years, married earlier this year), and I fell pregnant again unexpectedly. It was HARD. One of the hardest choices I've ever had to make, but he was completely supportive of me and it absolutely solidified that I'm with the right man. He didn't tell me what to do, nor did he wipe his hands of it and say "do what you want". He acknowledged it was my body and my choice, and we talked endlessly about what we both thought about the situation and the future, the pros and cons, how we would manage with either decision. I'm due with our 4th child in a few weeks, and we are great, but had we made the decision to terminate (and we very nearly did), we would still be great.
Consider yourself lucky you got an early insight into how this man would respond in this situation, and he has saved you the heartache and the drama.
This is so sweet, ty for the reassurance and congratulations. <3 It truly is nice to hear someone have a nice ending story, and it makes me hopeful of my situation. T y again, i hope the best for you and your family.
FUCK NO!!! This was the MOTHER of all red flags! I am so glad you dropped his dusty ass behind!!!
You absolutely made the right choice imo. His choice to decide what is done with his genetic material stops the moment it leaves his body and enters yours. Whether you want to become a parent or not is solely your decision to make. You can consider his opinions, but ultimately that's a you decision, not a him decision. He has the right not to want to date someone that has a termination, but it's also your right to not want to date someone that would feel lesser of you if you chose that path.
Absolutely the right choice and you found the perfect words to describe it. You were never first for him, an embryo would have always been his priority.
A priority until it was born, at least. Too many men run from the actual responsibilities of a born child.
Exactly, until it's born
Good for you, never date or Marry a Man who takes away a Woman’s Choice and Rights
Help me understand how he’s taking away her rights? He never denied that it’s her choice to get an abortion
I think it's very important if you pursuing a serious relationship to be on the same page on the issue of abortion. This is to avoid problems down the road should a situation arise where the issue of abortion comes up. Sounds like he's talking about abortion in the context of him fathering a child and you deciding for whatever reason to have an abortion. He's not talking about other situations that would be beyond your control like complications during pregnancy or having an incomplete miscarriage which would be a threat to your health or life.
My mother had an incomplete miscarriage which required medical intervention. Usually a miscarriage will resolve itself but in a certain percentage of cases, this doesn't happen and the sooner you are treated, the better. After two days, my mother got the proper treatment as she was a 21 year old married woman of middle class origins and back in the 1950's, these were the women that people wanted to have children. This was in her favor as she learned. She was put in a medical ward with women who were in their 40's who had complications from miscarriages, pregnancy and as a result became infertile. All of them had children, so instead of getting the prompt treatment my mother had, the doctors waited until serious complications set in and then treated them. Some had to have a hysterectomy as a result. Some were transferred from other hospitals. One nearly died. This all could have been avoided had they been given the prompt medical treatment my mother got. I cringe when I think of what might have happened to my mom if she had been poor, not married and not having money to pay the bill. The outcome would have been much different.
This was in the 1950's when abortion was illegal. If my mom had an incomplete miscarriage in Texas today, she wouldn't be able to get the treatment she got in the 1950's. My mother several years later gave birth but had complications from childbirth and nearly died. Doctor told her not to have another child as there was a higher than average risk of death and complications. I was adopted but that is another story. My mom would have probably died if she lived in Texas today and had an incomplete miscarriage.
I only found out about this due to a man having posters on his truck that said that women who have miscarriage should be investigated for homicide (basically blaming them for the miscarriage). She had words with him but had to walk away. Can't reason with a lunatic. She told me in detail her miscarriage. I knew she had a miscarriage but didn't know the details. She had no idea until this happened to her that a miscarriage with complications could cause infertility or death. Everyone she knew who had a miscarriage had no complications (it resolved itself) and they went on to have more children.
The reason I'm bringing this up is that given the current times, you would want a partner to be on the same page as you. If you're not, this could be a threat to your life and health if you aren't. If you have the misfortune of living in a state that has abortion laws like Texas or Georgia, your life would be in danger if you had an incomplete miscarriage. My mom was about 7-9 weeks pregnant when this happened (6 weeks is the limit in many states).
Yep. Women in both states have already died.
My mom told me that the pain she felt was much worse than the actual pain of childbirth. Worse pain she'd ever had in her life. Also when she had the procedure done, it was quite painful and she cried afterwards. The stories that I've read where women have suffered horrible pain for days or even a couple of weeks and every moment that goes by that they aren't treated, the risk of death increases.
The doctor told my mom that her fertility would be protected by doing the medical intervention sooner rather than later. I'm sure he knew what would happen if this wasn't done in a timely fashion. Those women my mother encountered in that medical ward certainly knew.
In 1997, this guy would be considered fringe element. Now people who think like this guy have been elected to state legislatures, Congress and appointed to offices where they are in a position of power and have the means to change laws and policies to reflect this belief which is very dangerous to women's health.
I actually had the same procedure done in Texas in 1988, so a couple decades later. Mine wasn’t as bad. I honestly thought I’d been having a bad period and it just so happened I wanted to enlist and needed a pregnancy test done. Imagine my shock.
The clinic was filled with married and single women. My age and much older. First pregnancy and fifth (one was her seventh; her husband wouldn’t leave her alone and wouldn’t buy her birth control). None were in horrible physical pain, but none of us were having a great time. We all knew this would change us.
It makes me so angry that losing access to this lifesaving and family saving procedure has caused women to die in 2025.
My mother had this procedure done in 1951 or 1952, so it's possible that medical advancements and treatments made this procedure less painful. My mom was carrying a pot of hot water down a narrow staircase and tripped and fell down the stairs. She felt okay, so she went to rest. When her husband came home (this was her first husband), she started having terrible cramps which got worse. He took her to the hospital and she was put in a private room. They gave her something to try to prevent the miscarriage from taking place but it didn't work. Made the pain and bleeding worse. After the second day, she started to sweat and had a low grade fever which was getting worse. It was at that point, that the doctor decided she needed medical intervention as the complications from the miscarriage were getting worse.
The fall from the stairs caused the miscarriage as my mother was also burned by the hot water on her torso. They were mild second degree burns which didn't leave scars. Luckily she didn't have broken bones or other injuries.
It was unusual for a 21 year old woman to have the type of complications from a miscarriage that my mom had. She also took over a month to fully recover which was also unusual.
I was told the details of what happened next as she wasn't put under and was aware of what was happening and the pain was unbearable. Given very little painkillers and I will leave it at that. I will omit them from this post but it was very unpleasant. This was what was available in the 1950's which I assume medical advancements and treatment would make this less traumatic and painful.
I do know that there was no way that this pregnancy was viable as this was a early miscarriage with complications in which life couldn't be sustained. At 22 weeks, survival is possible but not at 7-9 weeks of pregnancy.
I’m sorry she went through that.
You definitely did the right thing. The two of you are on separate sides.
I don’t necessarily agree with how he went about it. However I do think a man has the right to leave a relationship over an abortion. Yes, it is always a woman’s choice and there should never be an ultimatum around abortion. I’m just saying a partner has the right to feel how he feels.
I think you made the right choice. If he doesn't respect your own bodily autonomy, he won't respect anything.
Hell yeah you did. I personally want there to be as little abortions as possible but to keep women safe and sex ed actually educational they need to be as legal as possible. If he cant even imagine a scenario where its okay when when he sould have no say in the matter, he is trash he would probably blame you if you had to get a termination to safe your life. You dodged a bullet girl.
My husband would NEVER choose a fetus over me. His position is that he would be sad, but he can always make more fetuses, but he cannot make another me. That's one of the reasons why my husband is a good man.
Another thing to think about with a "pro-life" man is this scenario: If a pregnancy is going to kill you, would he still be anti-abortion, or would his principles mean that he would let you die? A lot of these men care more about the products of their jizz than they care about the lives of their female partners.
Don't date pro-life people - your literal life is at risk!
I would have left my partner on the spot too, dumping me if he got me pregnant before I was ready to bear and I took care of it ? Our relationship would feel like constant potential blackmail, I can't imagine keeping that up and worry about stealthing, failed contraception having such a greater stake and feeling dehumanised.
I'm sorry you're struggling about it now but I do think you should trust yourself on having ended it for that reason and that it will get better soon.
You made the right choice. He was looking at you as an incubator.
You made the right choice. Your opinions on reproductive choice were not aligned. This is a big deal. He doesn't believe in choice where pregnancy is concerned and knew this would be a breaking point in your relationship. At least he told you now, although I kind of wondered if he wanted to break up anyway and figured out a way to get YOU to do it for him.
What's really concerning is that apparently he feels you should die if you have a medical issue during pregnancy that requires an abortion to resolve. I've never understood that opinion, because if the fetus isn't viable, then TWO deaths occur, not one. Make that make sense.
You are never wrong for how you feel. But neither is he. You have both made your positions clear in advance.
Now you just have to decide what you are willing to accept in your relationship.
“He didn't deny it was my choice, but that the burden of it would be just too much.”
So he never said you couldn’t just that the thought of the woman he loves destroying the person their love together created would be emotionally hard for him and change how he viewed your relationship, which is understandable, no? Women talk about how they want men to be emotionally available and then break up with them when they express that rather than talking it through and understanding where he’s coming from. This is a big factor as to why they’re expressing their feelings.
Do you want to have the type of husband/partner who is willing to die for his wife and kids? If so when is he allowed to start holding that passion and love for his kids? Is he only allowed to feel that way once the baby is born? Is he supposed to be able to just turn that on and off?
It doesn’t sound like he said if your physical life was in danger he’d say screw you carry the pregnancy. I suggest actually having a conversation with him and finding out what he truly believes. Saying he’d be hurt and that it’d show him you’re maybe not compatible in the long run is not the same as saying he’d rather you die from complications or that he only sees you as an incubator. Talk to this man you love rather than the echo chamber this sub usually is. If you don’t like what he has to say then maybe you’re incompatible and then you can at least break up knowing you chose to be a mature communicative partner and not have to sit with “what ifs”.
Well I do and I don’t. This is a “no a-holes here” scenario. Like it’s cool if you don’t want it, but you did not get pregnant by yourself.
It is also his child and he’s allowed to have feelings about a life that you both created. That fetus is part him.
HoweverIt is your right and your choice alone to carry this hypothetical child to term. Pregnancy is no walk in the park and I couldn’t imagine doing it if I really didn’t want the baby. (New mom here. Totally worth it btw. But I decided I wanted to have a child. Children are not for everyone and that’s okay. it is your body and nobody should be able to force you to go through this major medical event especially when you do not want to do it and you’re not really invested in it. That is your choice and since it’s your body nobody has a right to this decision but you and about your own well being and health.
But your boyfriend does not need to be happy about the possibility of you having an abortion. You just have different values and that’s okay but maybe you’re not right for each other if they aren’t the same.
That said—if you need him to be okay with you having an abortion perhaps you’re better off broken up. Kids are not A dealbreaker in a relationship. They are THE dealbreaker in a relationship.
Every one is allowed to feel. No one is allowed authority over someone else’s body
I said that. I completely agree. But he’s allowed to not agree with her choice or be happy about it. And if that’s the reason for the breakup they weren’t suited for each other anyway.
I get it, I just want to get the point across that ultimately no man should make a woman feel guilty for deciding to protect her body and mind and following her instinct, and if they do then they feel way too entitled to a child and too low concern for the woman they claim to love. I think it’s less of a compatibility issue as it is a patriarchal male entitlement issue
It's exactly that feeling i couldn't put a name on, entitled. I understand what people feel, but in this case all the pressure is put on one person. I 100% feel hurt because he believes my decision was the wrong one, when the decision was never his to judge in the first place. I was going through some doubts because i was afraid i wasn't considering his feelings enough. But now to me it's clear, that being pro-choice is not a matter of feeling but about right over my own body. Ty so much for your insight.
That makes me so incredibly happy to hear, you’re very welcome ❤️
It is not his child, it is dividing cells even if it carries some if his dna since by far most abortions are done at the soonest possible time, he can imagine loving a future child even more so than his partner but it is something that comes at a high price for a woman, and a too high one for a woman who didn't want to get pregnant yet, saying any abortion (emergency contraception / morning after pill included) will cause break up is pressuring the woman out of her free right to her own bodily autonomy.
I agree kids or no kids is a crucial thing to be ok together about but that part about "the burden" sounds like he could have even dumped her for a miscarriage, does sound like an a-hole to me.
He’s not wrong for his feelings because we cannot help how we feel. He IS wrong for his thoughts and actions surrounding this potential scenario as he’s a 🍆 who treats you like you’re an incubator.
How can he be “not wrong” about his feelings but “wrong” about his thoughts?
You made the right choice for you. He has a right to his opinion and you have the right to leave him because of that opinion. Neither of you is wrong.
Hmmm. Hi darling. Well, I don’t wanna talk out of my ass since I don’t know much. But the concept of unborn vs me to me is odd. I don’t think he’s seeing it in that light, he’s saying his potential child being aborted is an issue for him that he wouldn’t be able to overcome. Especially if that choice excluded him as the father from having a say. I think you leaving is extreme unless there were other issues in here.
I disagree with your statement that her leaving the relationship over this difference is extreme.
They have a major incompatibility. There's no reason to continue a relationship when major incompatibilities are discovered. Small things can be dealt with, but reproductive choice is no small thing.
I feel like neither of you are in the wrong and are valid to feel that way. It's something that should be brought up early on to be on the same page in a relationship. Its your choice and you are entiltled to it and at the same time he could be unconfortable because he would want to keep it. Both parties are valid in how they feel it just seems you weren't compatible in this area. You did the right thing for you.