When I snapped at one of my mother's casual lies. She was painting her rose-tinted version of something she'd done to me as a teenager (not letting me go on a zero-cost school trip), and I just calmly said:
"That's not how it happened. It was just another random act of cruelty to you, but it had a lasting impact on me. I was bullied and ridiculed. I'm through with helping you misrepresenting history"
I called my siblings and told them about it, and they all agreed to stop humoring her bullshit. Feels good.
Kinda well, actually. We (siblings and I) now say things like “My memory is very clear on this, mom” and “I don’t remember that - let me call my older brother” etc.
She now tries to deflect, she’ll say things like “That’s just how things were done back then”, but we have gotten her to apologize for some of the more egregious conduct.
I regret to say, just because these type of people apologize doesn't mean they are sorry. We have a couple of them in my family. The only thing they are sorry about is that you are calling them out on their bullshit. 100%
I did something similar! Called my mom out on casually and not so casually pathologically lying. I highly suspect she has a personality disorder since she struggles to face the reality of her actual behavior and still believes that the image she created in her own head is how others perceive her. If cognitive dissonance had a name, that would be my mother.
Whenever I did call her out, she’d try anything to immediately deflect - from crying to swearing, calling me names and belittling me (or others, I’ve seen her do the same to her husband). I understand that it’s largely her brain doing that, but seeing her living in a delusion while people around her have distanced themselves over the years is sad.
In my 33 years of life, I can count it on one hand how many times she apologized to me (once). Somehow I had constantly apologized to her, as a 5-6-7-8-9 etc year old. I must have been the devil to cause so much grievance!
Sadly in a lot of cases, where a parent/person has a PD that involves a narcissistic core, the person does not get a chance to gain self awareness
My mom & I were talking about when I was growing up. I wanted to look into going to college and my dad said "I have 2 more kids after you. I can't afford to send you to college." there was no discussion about scholarships, finding grants, or even going to the local community college to find out answers. It was just "go to work".
As mom & I were talking, I said I was really hurt by this and think that it held me back from attaining my dreams. (What I was looking for, maybe, was a little validation) and mom said, "well, we did the best we could and you need to stop thinking about the past". Welp, thanks ma. You & dad ruined my life (or at least my chances, as I saw them). I also mentioned that I had 3 career opportunities, even if I'd been able to go to college, nurse, secretary, or teacher. that's all my dad thought women were good for. He had three daughters.
That I couldn’t go on a week long foreign language-experience trip because “We couldn’t afford it”. The school said that they would pay for it from school funds because I was top of that particular class, and would greatly benefit from the trip. The truth is that my mother didn’t want me to go because she reveled in causing me misery.
This was just one of many similar events from my childhood - pulling me from after-school sports and other extracurricular activities, saying I could attend parties and then withdrawing the permission at the last minute, and more, so much more. She really was psychotic.
She’s old and frail now, but she’s still mentally sharp. I live thousands of miles away, which is a big help.
For me, it was in reading Brené Brown and learning that I actually could love people better and not resent them if I set boundaries. And then I started practicing and discovered that I didn’t carry that simmering resentment anymore when I spoke up.
You know that old dieting saying, “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels?” Well, I have modified it for myself into “The discomfort of speaking up now is so much better than long-term resentment and regret.”
That’s a big one. It’s almost impossible to call someone out when they hold that kind of power over your day-to-day life. Having that independence really does open the door to actually standing up for yourself.
This is the hardest part. I always have to keep my mouth shut with my parents because I can’t afford to open my mouth. It’s exhausting, I cannot wait for the day I don’t have to put up with their bs anymore.
I stopped trying to keep the peace when I realized that “peace” was costing my children, not just me. Actually, it started when the stupidity began being aimed at my husband, but as he’s an adult and WELL capable of handling it himself, I mostly let it slide. But as soon as the target shifted to my kids, even incrementally, I went nuclear.
I was looking for this kind of reply. It was the same for me.
Thankfully, my parents just were (brought up) strict and had no experience or knowledge of gentle parenting, so when I found the courage to speak up on behalf of my child, they found out they could change their approach to parenting. I needed to get over my upbringing and had to openly disagree with them, which was really hard for me to do, but my mum found out she could speak nicer while still being authoritative, and my dad stopped using "not-speaking-to-someone" as his way of saying he disagreed with something someone did, because we couldn't visit often and he would lose the little time he had with his grandchild by doing it.
It’s so hard for me to sit and watch my MIL do this to my husband. I am a (childless) mother bear, so I always feel the need to defend him. But you have a point there, he’s an adult….trying to figure out how and if I should just let him defend himself. But he never does…..I’m the one stuck with the fallout! (Husbands deepening depression and anxiety). Ugh!
Hi! 30 and just had a blow up with 33 yr old brother. He’s been the family deity since birth. Everyone talks about him like some kind of incredible-being that can do no wrong. Since I can remember, he’s constantly put me down in front of the family and made fun of me. Everyone laughs bc he’s so charming. Also the only born male.
I blew up this weekend after years of quietly complaining. Everyone else’s “Peace” is just me taking the beating and smiling. I’m officially done at 30 :)
It was my 18th birthday. My mother had spent the entire night before ridiculing and belittling and diminishing me, the same as she did every night. When I woke up the morning of my birthday, she was supposed to come up and tell me the story of how I was born, a tradition. She did it every year. When I came downstairs she blithely remarked that she was done telling the story. I blithely decided I was done with her. When she left the house on an errand, I packed everything I could carry and called friends to come get me. I never spoke to that bitter bitch again. She died alone, the way she claimed I would. She had no friends at her funeral, the way she claimed I would. She had a terrible funeral service that ignored her religious wishes…the same way she ignored mine.
She made her bed. She never saw her eldest kid again.
ETA: if you too were raised by malignant narcissists, please know, it gets better. You can cut them off. You can live happily. You can be free.
I have a very similar mother. I don't remember the exact fight that woke me up but I was 15 and staying at her house. I packed up all my shit, called my dad to come get me, and told the bitch I would never go back. I never did.
Just like you she told me all these things like both me and my dad sre arrogant and narcissistd and that we both love to pick fights. Funny how litterally no-one else has ever said those things and neither of us has ever been in a fight again after we left her out of our lives.
I used to feel guilty sometimes for cutting the bitch off but one of my friends' mom once said "just because someone is blood, it doesn't mean you have to love them". That freed me from it all.
And yes, it gets so much better when you cut the toxic people out regardless who they are!
This probably won't help you since it sounds like you figured it out years ago, but I'm hoping it might help someone else who reads this. I want to expand on what your mom's friend said.
A pretty common saying in the US is "Blood is thicker than water", which is generally taken to mean that family is a stronger bond than any other. Well, I learned a few years back that that's not the original saying.
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" is the original, meaning the bonds formed from mutual experiences are stronger than the ones given to you by birth. Basically the exact opposite!
Once I learned this, I felt the guilt of distancing myself from my sister immediately dissipate.
I hope this is helpful to anyone who might be struggling to let go of bad relationships with any of their given family.
Also, the "blood is thicker than water" phrase has been traced back to German literature in the 1300s.
*Sorry, my bad. Once I checked my facts, I realized it was 12th century German literature. I am currently looking to find the actual book - I know I have it somewhere in my research.
Nope. The "Blood is thicker than water" proverb has been traced back to 1200s German literature. The water of the womb was first seen in the 1990s. I haven't been able to find an initial reference.
A pretty common saying in the US is "Blood is thicker than water", which is generally taken to mean that family is a stronger bond than any other. Well, I learned a few years back that that's not the original saying.
You learned wrong.
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" is the original, meaning the bonds formed from mutual experiences are stronger than the ones given to you by birth. Basically the exact opposite!
Yeah, it does mean the opposite, because people disagreed with the original saying and so they changed the phrase. It's not the original, it's the modern version that matches modern values.
My point was that it's ok to cut ties with your problematic family members. That's it. That's the idea that's been around since ancient times.
I don't care about the exact origins or debating semantics of the phrase. I made a comment hoping to help people through some conflicting feelings they might have by sharing something that helped me when I was struggling through something similar.
I'm now regretting making that comment because it seems like the only thing redditors care about is being pedantic on the Internet 🤷
I'm a woman, not "my man". Lots of us have experienced the same thing you have, but we are also tired of all y'all insisting on the damn "Blood of the covenant" BS.
I wasn't even going to comment on your original reply, but you doubled down, and then continued. You were correct, no matter what anyone else had to say. Even though you weren't correct.
That is why 'redditors care about being pedantic'. To remind people that they are not the only people in the world. My man.
Took me a lot longer to get away from my own narcissist, I was 25. Raised in a way that made it to where I had no realistic shot of getting out on my own and raised to fault myself for a lot of my misery, it took until 25 to be miserable enough to really push to get out and the only place I had to go was across the country away from everything and everyone I knew except for my cousin/best friend I was moving to. It sucked but also the experience of jumping right into that freedom and independence was an unforgettable one and started the process of recovering because not only was I realizing that no one but my parents treated me the shitty way they did but even living with someone else they never treated me anything like that.
Wasn’t a clean break, kept in contact for a long time and was still abused through that but got better about pushing back, I did end up moved back in with them a couple times due to very unfortunate circumstances but the first time I was able to push away again not too long after those circumstances resolved and the other time I was with my wife who was a massive help in both healing and in standing up for myself, and a little under two years ago I finally cut my parents out for good.
As you say, it does get better. And that even holds true when the process is long and messy instead of a clean break at 18.
I was in my 20s when I walked away from my father. Unfortunately it took until my late 40s to finally block my mother. Foolish me, I thought she meant well and I could convince her to do better and not be so hurtful. After I realized she did not, in fact, mean well, and that the stress she was causing me was making me sick, I finally cut her off. My only regret is not doing it sooner.
Exact same. All the abuse from my dad, my mom was complicit in her lack of defending me and even telling me that i was at fault for setting him off. For the longest time i thought she was trapped in it with him but no. She was part of it.
I'm there right now. My husband is... not a good person. I've finally quit keeping my mouth shut when he puts me down. Thanksgiving he was making up some shit i said/did to make me look bad in front of the whole family, and I was like. No. Watching his stutter and try to come back from it was great. Then he fell back to the old, "just chill babe. Will you chill out? It's not that big of a deal". Wrong. Thing. To. Say.
Pretty sure this was our last Thanksgiving together.
I know someone in a historically abusive, 30 year + relationship. One time, a grandson got a gun as a gift. Her husband responded “you know what you should do with that gun? Shoot grandma”. She hasn’t left yet, but if he says something, she puts it back at him. Shockingly, his behavior has gotten better now that he knows his wife won’t take his shit any longer.
I recently had an epiphany that women's fucks are stored in their ovaries and that's why we have fewer of them left to give as we get older and closer to menopause.
Oh god, does it ever. I’m thankful I had managed to force away the folks who were the worst offenders before peri really kicked in, because the shift in my attitudes was so fast and almost violent that I could’ve hurt someone.
I had to learn that not all battles are a hill I'm willing to die on. I've always been ready to fight about it. I was 16 before I learned to shut my mouth and let it go. And I still struggle with it at 41.
My motto has always been "let's not rock the boat, we should completely flip it over instead".
The sticker on my car says "don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem".
It's not a great idea to burn bridges that you're still standing on. Try to get across and out of the way before you toss that match.
Early twenties, my mom was always stomping my boundaries, then bitching that I didn't appreciate how much she did for me ...when I had explicitly told her that I didn't want her 'help'.
I used to let her harp about my being 'ungrateful', when one day, she threw a full-blown rage tantrum because I wouldn't let her redecorate MY house to her liking. She started the ungrateful-guilt-trip rant, but it dawned on me that NO, I didn't have to THANK her for violating my space!
Understand another thing about our family dynamic: I wasn't allowed to swear. Growing up as their daughter, the parents would strike me if I cursed ...like THEY did. Do you see the power tier? Cursing was a cheat move to wield power over me.
However, that day I was pushing back that I wasn't going to be grateful to my mom for stressing me out, and I pressed, "YOU expect me to THANK you!?"
Thus, she brought out the cheat move and snarled, "I don't expect SHIT from you!!!"
For the first time in my life, I. saw. red. My hands shook with anger at the lies & tricks my narc mom
had programmed into me, which she was trying to silence me with now.
Managing to find a voice, rather than a violent action, I roared, "Then, SHUT UP!!!"
Mom heard my true outrage rather than a fake manipulative tantrum, and immediately backed down. My rightous counter-rage had frightened her.
She'd not try to use anger to manipulate me ever again. Now, she's the caring, sweet, old woman who was supportive & generous the whole time and always had my best interests at heart. If I can't recognize that now; then I'm the weird, crazy one, and yes, ungrateful to her.
I'm 29 and had to move back home after being kicked out. I'm constantly spoken over bc my parents are my parents and I can't afford to do anything else. I hope your situation stays good enough that you never go back to that because it fucking sucks
I stopped after being disrespected too much, either by "friends" or others. Now, I dont care anymore. Im not letting anyone walk all over me or make me feel like my words dont matter as much.
When I went away to college I grew my voice. Took it to level 100 🤣 I’ve since gone down to a healthy 30 meaning I will absolutely speak my mind if needed but I also sift through each situation to see if it’s worth my energy.
I realised it would never change. I left one abusive relationship, only to recognise the signs in my dad's relationship too. We had a chat, he agreed he was in a abusive relationship but he didn't want to leave. I explained I'd be there for him but wanted nothing to do with his wife who has been hugely abusive to both his kids. The weight that fell off me was unreal. I hadn't realised how much weight she was putting on me until I removed myself.
Funny enough, she spent years telling me you should never cut people off, you never know when you might need them. While she cut people off. I did not realise I was giving her power and enabling her.
I spent roughly 2 decades accepting her crap for the sake of my dad, for his peace, only to realise that I get to have it too. And unfortunately mine is without his presence because she's twisted him. I still see him. But I don't chase the relationship.
I realised in August this year he hadn't asked to meet up once in 2025. I'd asked him 3 times. I've stopped asking. Last year in November I asked when he wanted to meet for Xmas. He said he'd get back to me because he was busy. This year he said he was going to a hotel because 'there wasn't much point when it was just the two of them' attempting a guilt trip. I said they'd have a great time and it was a great idea. I'm not willing to feel sorry for someone who created their own world and now has to live in it.
"Family comes first" until you, as family, ask them to put you first. I get that.
We'll make our own, and we won't be alone. I promise you are worth more than she made you feel. It was never your fault, and you should have been his priority.
oh, and by "make our own" i don't just mean having kids btw. I mean you'll find people to live with that treat you the way you should be treated. pets, if you want them, to come home to and see them there to greet you instead of being greeted with more mockery and misery.
my "family" is my wonderful partner and my four cats. nobody will ever tell me otherwise in a way that will matter.
nobody will ever hurt you like that again, and you will have say in anything you choose to have or do. no one will paint over your colors, both literally and metaphorically.
Thank you so much, what a lovely thing to say. Very gratified you took the time to say that, I appreciate it hugely.
I am thankfully with an amazing partner who sees me, appreciates me and is just top notch in all regards. He encourages me express myself, I can talk to him about anything and he is in my corner 100%. I'm very lucky, and tell him that everyday. He is the first person to make me feel loved, and cherished. I've always been in the way, to my mind, and he's completely chucked that notion away.
I'm very glad we both have fab partners who we can rely on!
When I was in my 20s and had to be admitted to hospital. My mom had previously lied about having the medical condition I was admitted for. She made my symptoms a sob story about herself having the condition I was admitted for, projecting her hurt & pain onto me. She has done this many times before & I had finally had enough. She was in my hospital room with me & I screamed so loud three nurses came running.
Truly, once I started being medicated for ADHD & my anxiety dropped 80%. I was finally able to act without being overwhelmed with panic all the time.
And then when I heard someone say:
When you "keep the peace", WHOSE peace are you keeping?
That really hit because I was so sick of pretzeling myself to keep abusive people happy at the expense of my own peace.
I decided as uncomfortable as it is to say 'no', 'I don't have capacity' 'enough is enough', etc. to other people, the end result of feeling incredibly proud of myself for holding that boundary by being self-FULL (not selfish as abusers like to frame it as) was worth it. It's so great to stop feeling frustrated and annoyed for not standing up for myself!
Welp, here's a whole novel: When my mom threw me out for the last time, I didn't fight her to stay. I just didn't come back, exactly as asked of me. Of course, being the lying, manipulative bitch she was, she told the whooole family that I "ran away and bwoke her heaarrtttt" instead of her saying the words get out and don't come back but ehh, whatever I just cut them off too. All my life I had been forced to script messages from "myself" that said exactly what she wanted me to say, and knowing this tactic alone I knew I'd have to cut my WHOLE family off in order to truly cut HER off.
Listing ALL of the things she did would make this comment unpostable due to sheer length, so I'll try my best to keep it short:
She played favorites, HARD. My dad favored my twin brother, but my mom? Ohhhhh boy.
My golden child older brother could do NO wrong because of his autism, and if he stole food? Even things like an entire jar of peanut butter which I literally can't handle more than ONE spoonful of at a time? It was my fault. And if he "didn't know HOWWW" to do the same chores he'd been taught many times before, even when I was 17 working almost full-time hours while he worked 4 per week, I would have to do his chores for him.
Also I'm autistic too. But, nooooo... See, according to her, I "grew out of it" (impossible), but wait I have opinions? "You think differently because of your autism"
...Which she said I grew out of last week. hmmmmmmmmm.
Oh, by the way, my grandmother had done the same kind of shit with her regarding her brothers as well. She pitied my twin uncles instead of raising them due to their disabilities, and let them get away with murder. My mom would get ONE cookie out of the big pack they'd buy once in a blue moon, and they would ravage the rest of it. And she'd get bitched out if she complained.
Her cookies, my fruit juice.
I physically cannot drink carbonated beverages, which were always on hand at home for my older (golden) brother and my twin brother. They'd get to guzzle down as much as they wanted, while I was stuck with water or iced tea that was basically water (the way my mom drinks iced tea is FOUL, even as an adult that shit is gross).
But when the fruit punch enters the house? If I got caught drinking the same amount of it as they did, I'd get in trouble. I'd get one glass and the boys would drink the rest.
You can see from that alone, she'd broken the promise she made to herself, and to me.
She couldn't just neglect me, she had to overprotect me too. I couldn't have the freedom of being the forgotten child, because I was a girl. The ONLY girl.
My twin (yes, you read that again: TWIN) brother could bike down the main road to go work his first job under the table at 14, but I couldn't sit in my own backyard without someone watching me from the porch or a window at 16. He could go wherever he wanted, but I had to beg my lazy older brother to chaperone me for WEEKS before I could even leave the property. And even then, we'd be out for 5 seconds before he turned around to go home. At which point I'd had a choice: Either follow him home and wait 2 more weeks to be walked like a dog, or go out anyway without him and deal with the consequences when I got back. I wish I had chosen the latter more often, but I only did that when I was absolutely at my wits end. I feared my mother and the wrath she only directed at us (the twins).
There's more in the replies, this is probably the longest it'll allow for one comment.
*I* don't have problems, *SHE* has PROBLEMS.
One time, she stole my inhalers for my athsma because literally the above^ but replace "problems" with "athsma" and tack on a "you're just fat" at the end.
This kind of thing happened a lot. I'd have a problem, she'd have something worse, my problem doesn't get addressed. But she really didn't have to go so far as to prevent me from grieving my grandmother's death in my own home. Not my house, because that's hers hers hers hers hers and how DARE I insinuate the place I lay my head is in any way my home, and all. But I could not grieve in the place where I should have been able to.
Because Nana was HER mother. HERS. Only SHE was allowed to feel anything aloud about her death and how DARE I say I was having trouble due to grief, how absolutely DARE I, right???
There was something Nana left behind. A CD I had burned for her, with all her old favorite songs, in an old cd player with old headphones. She wanted me to have it. And my mom took that CD in her hands, and if you know anything about CDS you know you gotta hold it by the side and the hole, not just pressing your thumb and finger down on the CD itself because you can smudge it.
I made the horrible, terrible mistake of asking her politely to please be careful in order to not smudge it or it may not work anymore. OOHHH. OHHHHHH. But SHE can hold it like thisss andlike thisss AND LIKE THISSS and I can't do ANYTHING about it.
Yeah. She manhandled a memento of my dead grandmother "because she could", and I was never able to listen to that CD because of it. She also stole the cd player and headphones back too.
She "loved" animals the same way she "loved" her disabled daughter.
(((((TW ANIMAL DEATH.)))))
She grew up being told she could get a dog when she was an adult in her own home, so that's exactly what she did. We have that in common, save for it being a cat that I wanted (now I have four :3).
I got used to dogs passing away from old age or kidney problems pretty quick, since we had so many even from before I was born. The ones who were around for my birth were the first to go, and my mom would have them euthanized rather than dragging out their pain.
However.
There was one dog. One fluffy little dog. That made my entire understanding of her and how she views her "love" of animals go completely topsy-turvy.
Her name was Penny. She was a bichon frise, a happy fluffy little baby with some SERIOUS zest for life. One day, I came home and she had died. My mom said it was the same thing that got a good few dogs in the past, the kidney issues or liver issues I can't quite recall which, and I just took it as fact. What else was there to do, life happens and death happens. I mourned her and moved on.
Fast forward to age 20, I was still living with her (because I had to). This was around when my grandmother passed, and was just before she threw me out for the final time (she had done so multiple times) that I mentioned at the start of this whole thing.
She confessed to me. She said she had something she needed to talk about, and this was back when I was in constant people-pleasing fawning to survive mode so of course I listened. I had to be useful to be loved, so of course I listened.
And then she placed the final straw upon my aching, overburdened back.
She told me Penny wasn't actually sick. That she had only put her down because "she didn't want her anymore". She had the fuckingaudacityto look at ME, her animal loving daughter who commiserated with her about the pets her OWN parents "disappeared" on her and ask ME to comfort her.
The sheer fucking audacity. THAT was when I realized. She looked that dog in the eyes, told her she loved her. That she was FAMILY. And then she PAID MONEY to have her killed when her one "use" of being cute enough to keep my mom satisfied wasn't enough anymore.
What do you think that said to ME, her disabled daughter? Of fucking course I left. Of fucking COURSE I didn't fight to stay with her, of all people, to keep being "useful" for her. Of course I didn't lie down and show my belly. Because clearly, that shit doesn't work, now does it?
I did the thing most people only dream of but never actually do. I left my home state, moved across the country, am in the process of changing my name, and I never spoke to her again. She never gets to know whether I'm alive or dead, I TOOK MY FREEDOM. No more chaperones, no more coming home to more misery, no more masks masks masks masks masks on in my own home. No more mincing my words, walking on eggshells when I should be recovering. NONE OF IT.
Shit's still really rough, but at least I'm not THERE anymore.
And you would think all of that would be enough to erase the thought of "but what if it was all my fault, what if I was just a bad daughter" but nope! It was still there, writhing and slithering around in the back of my mind, hissing those words into me like a snake in the eden I had claimed for myself.
It was only when my twin brother cut them all off too that it finally solidified. No. It was never my fault. I was a child. SHE should have known better.
So, yeah. Not fighting her to "keep the peace" and keep my family in my life was that moment for me.
Thanks, I honestly am still going through it due to the autistic burnout it caused. Been housebound for 3 years now, but I'm not giving up hope. We're moving out of the shitty trailer we've been living in soon, finally gonna have grass instead of rocks in the yard. Haven't found a place yet, but we're looking!
Gonna be finally getting back on meds soon. Planning to work on all that after we move. I'm genuinely looking forward to it. The whole being housebound thing hasn't been as bad since I got on vrchat back in August at least, and things are looking up in general right now :3
Not gonna lie I was super stressed out when I posted all that earlier ;
Teal Deer (tldr) : in my late teens i stood up for myself from my entitled sister - a big no-no my entire life, and the house fell apart (not literally). We are now NC 23 years later.
Late teens... Honestly, too late though but better late than never. I was always last in line and got scraps while my sister was handed opportunity after opportunity by our parents. As such i always got my sister's beat-down stuff except her clothing. Expensive school trips, expensive stuff, anything for dear Dawn. Alex has a free school trip and wants spending money? Well see, but you can use leftover school lunch money (was given $2 day for a 1.50 lunch).
Anyway, because of circumstances it was my sister's (20F) husband & 2 kids living with us (they got evicted, and owed on bills), my sister had one of her entitled meltdowns as she does and got mad at me (17M) for using a window air conditioner and not a ceiling fan. I was still a pc gamer, and did graphics/programming as a side hustle so my room was ~hot~. I told her to "F off", something ive never done before and it degenerated immediately and she decided to kick me out. Told her i will "leave with whats mine". Because of circmstances all the bills except rent was in my-name. Only when i was on the phone cancelling the phone service did she realize i wasnt playing (electric, water, gas, phone/internet). Mom intervened, "i wont repeat after this, i walk out this door, im taking what is mine - period". "You cant do this because my kids!". She always used the "my kids" as leverage once she had them. My sisters husband (34M) tried to intervene too and i cut him off too. For once, they walked on eggshells around me because i now held all the cards and i made sure to let them know from every passing snide comment or whisper.
It was the first time i stood up to any of them. They backed off until we moved out because my worthless father (took rent and went to bike week in daytona for 3 days) and deadbeat sisters husband. We have been extremely LC/NC since then. We only see each other when someone dies. I will never have to see/hear her again because all immediate family members are gone (last one died 2013). My close friend who i moved in with has my end-of-life/emergency paperwork in place. Lawyers are expensive even for mundane crap (specifically will, living will, medical power of attorney... * Guys please prepare this stuff ahead of time. it makes a huge difference!!! * ). I went to great lengths to remove my sister from anything she could use screw me over. The cost is worth the peace of mind. Its the way her entitled behind is, she would stoop that low.
There was one very memorable incident i heard about during our NC times. My sister and cousin (Cristal) were super close; inseperable growing up until my sisters husband came into the picture... My sister and Cristal were having a girls-night at some restaraunt something they used to do weekly and was now once a year maybe. Pre smartphones, so they were showing off baby/kid pictures. According to Cristal, she happened to flip past a few pics of me playing with her kid (he was like 5, pics were holding him upside down, tossing him in the air - he loved it!). Cristal tried skipping over them quickly but my sister wanted to see... Cristal said my sister teared up a little and mumbled "i want that, why cant i have that"... Luckily Cristal was always a mouthy wiseass "you had it, until you pushed him away like you did me". She told me that, and it warmed my cold heart.
"When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives." - Lauren Eden (i had to look up the name)
I started working in a hotel at 21 and my general manager emphasized the importance of having boundaries with our ill-behaved guests– especially as a young woman. When I realized there'd be no repercussions for matching behavior (or at least, meeting swearing with deadpan snark) I started getting a lot more comfortable dealing with unpleasant people.
Nowadays, when an old man calls me 'dear' or 'sweetheart' or some other nickname I do not fucking care for, it's automatic: "I have a name, and it's [NAME]. Please refer to me by that!" Push me any further, all bets are off.
When keeping the peace disrupted my own peace. I was focusing so much on what was the latest fuck up with my brother and sister in law to make myself feel better about the fact that my parents swept every issue they caused under the rug.
One day I finally had enough when my dad yelled at me in front of my own daughter regarding the issue. My brother had a conversation with my husband and then got my mom involved and lied about what my husband had actually said. I screamed at my parents everything I had been holding in and how dare them believe a known liar. I kicked them out of my car for it also because for once I was finally in charge of the situation and I wasn’t going to accept this in front of my child.
My 90% absentee father has taken to trying to force me to be friendlier with him and his side of my family. He tried to demand I call his mother for her birthday a few years ago. Apparently I was triggered, because I immediately said “I don’t need to call a woman who beat me with a wet towel for spending too much of my birthday money on ice cream.” It was so effective that now every time he pushes a boundary I relay to him the exact situation that’s led to said boundary and he backs down.
I had to learn about myself first. Once I was sure of myself and my own truth, it became a lot easier to speak up and shut people down. And honestly, aging. My response now to anyone who has anything to say about my decisions or opinions is “I’m 32.”
Pretty early. That's why I have been that bitch who stands up for herself for most of my life. Funny though that I have been called a bitch for not letting people walk over me or matching their energy. I mean, better to be one to others than one to myself.
When my sister and I found out our younger brother had a nearly 1 year old son he had kept secret from all of us and that our parents were keeping the secret too. He never saw the kiddo and he and our parents were absolutely furious that we reached out to the boy's mom. We also learned he adopted his girlfriend's daughter, who was the same age as his little boy, a month after he got the positive DNA test back about the secret baby. We were all thrilled that he had adopted the girl, not knowing about the secret little boy. Our brother stood there and took all the praise from us, knowing he was ignoring his biological child. He has since become engaged to that girlfriend, and they recently had a baby together. A week before that baby was born, we found out he was talking to other girls 🙄
The little boy is almost 4, and my brother has still never met him and I've hung out with the boy and his mom several times (they're both lovely). So naturally, my sister and I still bring this up to our parents every chance we get and refuse to have a relationship with our brother. We've also told almost everyone in our extended family about it.
My parents called me cruel and heartless for not letting them claim my son on their taxes so they could get the tax credit. A big fight ensued, and where i would normally just "get over" it, i just snapped and told them "if your next sentence isn't an apology, I'm blocking you on everything and we're done talking." It wasn't an apology. I haven't talked to them in 3 years.
It's been a life long string of them taking full advantage of me, me paying their bills when i was 15 with money i made working under the table at a store in the mall, them disrespecting me and undermining me to my own kids, and then there's the physical abuse from my dad that my mom acted like was my fault. Because i set him off. He was arrested for trying to kill me when i was 19. I "got over" it after a few months and never pressed charges. I should have stood up back then. It should never have taken me 15 more years.
When I was taught by my school that black people were nothing more than an extension of property in the modern age. Fuck that, I’m black and I’m still shocked by this shit 23 years later
I remember being the only black kid in a classroom of 30 and had a social studies class where we did a paper and debate. The topic was “ slavery: was the right thing to do why or why not?” And I had to listen to 28 other students tell me how “negroes are selfish for crippling the economy. You technically should still be working to help America” ONE white student called everyone out and the teacher
I stopped staying quiet when I realized the toll it was taking on me to betray my values.
Some of my core values are justice, fairness, and respect for others. Every time I stayed quiet when something was wrong or unacceptable, it felt like parts of me were being chipped away because I wasn't being true to myself.
Eventually I realized that the "peace" is false anyways, it's not peace, it's subjugation. I realized I sure wasn't feeling any peace by trying to placate everyone, and I finally asked myself, why should I be miserable just so others can be comfortable in their bad behavior? I'd rather say something or do something and go down swinging than lose myself trying to please everyone.
Trump, then Covid, then Trump again. Blue dot in a sea of red who kept silent to keep the peace. Now they are all sad I've 'changed', but I'm not. I'll never be quiet about the evil around me ever again.
When I realized that I could deal with interpersonal problems by simply walking out or asking the offender to leave my home. I do not run away from fights, but retreat sometimes IS the better part of valor.
I stopped going to my Uncle’s house for the holidays because he and my mother are horribly abusive and I was sick of it. I would usually thug it out for the sake of “family being together” but I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I stopped going and when I was asked why I told them I’m not trying to be around abusive people at all, let alone during a time that should be spent with loved ones. I spend most holidays alone now but I’ll take that over being around my abusers any day.
roughly 14. abusive shit ass mom made me lose my temper. 26 now and I've mostly learned when not to cause drama. I don't like drama, but I will absolutely stand up for myself, and sometimes that leads to it.
Around the time I was 39 yrs and going through cancer(now in remission) I just stopped coddling people, silence keeps their peace and fuckups yours, so if I'm going to cry, then we both cry or do it my way and no one will cry. I also know when to stay quiet, when to let it go, and when to raise my voice and growl and show my teeth
When I realized that I was the one ending up feeling miserable and verbally abused all the time, I stopped being quiet and started speaking up and asserting myself. I also made sure first that I can support myself financially and won’t need their help anymore when I stopped staying quiet for the sake of peace.
Once I hit my 50s, my IDGAF gene activated. I suspect it's going to be the life-long default mode for drama queens and family histrionics. Between that and removing myself from stressful situations (literally getting up and leaving asshats sitting there in bemused/stunned silence that someone stood up to their bad behaviour), life is pretty drama free. I plan to keep it that way.
I absolutely will not start drama. That said, when someone else starts it, I have zero issue with putting an immediate stop to it. I don't mean avoiding it so much as stomping it into the ground.
My father fell and was in the hospital. I was up there the day it happened and was with him each and every day including two overnights from the Monday he went in to the Friday he was transferred to a rehab facility. Still maintained daily visits at rehab for the two weeks he was there but they didn't allow overnight visitors. On the Friday he was transferred from the hospital to rehab I got a text from my step-sister about how I needed to step up and be there for my father as if I hadn't been there all week doing exactly that. Then she had the nerve to be upset that I didn't take too kindly to her condescending BS. She was very brave over text but when she saw me in person sugar wouldn't melt in her mouth.
I realized a few months ago that I only did it because I was never taught how to deal with conflict; I didn't want peace, I wanted to avoid conflict because I didn't know how to navigate it.
Furthermore I didn't want to be confident and choose myself because that means you're a threat to some people and you guessed it, it means dealing with conflict and having to defend yourself.
i haven't gotten there yet, but i feel myself at my limit. i think talking to my therapist and realising how small i make myself just to please other people is wearing me down. i hope to find my voice sooner rather than later.
When I realized that I had someone very close to me in my step family who was deeply mentally ill and deeply unhappy as a result of it (and enabled to do nothing about the situation as a result of her multi million dollar trust fund.) She was ecstatic when my husband cheated and left. She stayed happiest when I was still unhappy, and was doing everything she possibly could to undermine any healthy progress I was making in my life. She used extreme emotional manipulation to try to keep me “down in the dirt” with her so that she wouldn’t be there alone.
When I realized this, boundaries were set, and it was explosive.
I grew up in a "hyperfunctional family" Instead of holding things in and falling into dysfunction, we fought it out about everything. I can't be quiet, I won't stand by for bullshit. It is not a good thing, but it is a thing.
Not me as I just went completely no contact with my parents, my sister followed suit of NC but our mother had reached out through SM to try to understand why we don’t talk to our parents. My mother was begging for answers and the truth. My sister just went nuclear with paragraphs of all their shitty behaviours and things they did, things they thought we didn’t know and laid everything bare. Which she was met with you just don’t understand, that’s not what happened and something along the lines of how dare you! Safe to say she was blocked very quickly. According to our aunt she was needing a kidney and we assume she was reaching out to see if one of us would give her one..🤷🏻♀️
In my case, when my sister died from decades of severe abuse and neglect this year. After that, I am no longer willing to be silent for abusers. I will do them no favors and I will not forgive because my sister should have been a phone call away for 40 more years. They went too far and that cannot be undone.
I recently learned about a psychological double bind and it sounds like you’re in one too. The nature of that is silence equals betrayal of myself and my sister (in my case) which leads to toxic guilt that stays. Speak, and you feel conditioned guilt from the abusers who trained and silenced you. For me, I can work my way out of conditioned guilt I should not feel (as I imagine is the case for a lot of us), but I cannot sit with the toxic guilt of silence any longer.
Most people who upset me generally don’t love that they got me upset, at least not for long. If somebody really pisses me off, I get really vicious verbally. There’s nothing that’s off limits, too embarrassing or too sensitive. I’ve probably done this only a handful of times in my life, but suffice to say those individuals didn’t cross me a second time.
I didnt stop the silence- I removed myself completely. Stop surrounding yourself with people who cross lines. It was the best for me. If they asked me what changed I will explain why I had to for my sanity but I stopped giving a shit about people I’m supposed to bc they are family/friends whatever the case may be.
When I was cycling down the same road that I have done for months, and encountered the same abuse from cars overtaking aggressively, who shout out some nasty remarks at me, even though I'm just cycling, my lights are on, I'm not doing anything wrong.
It's ALWAYS MEN and it's USUALLY MEN trying to IMPRESS THEIR GIRLS riding shotgun.
This time, I caught up to the offender, who had his passenger window down with his girl looking a little shocked and surprised. I called him a pathetic pussy cunt for shouting at innocent cyclists and then running away in your car. He could only shout abuse from the safety of his car, but when I caught up and confronted him through his passenger winder, he's shitting himself. I said next time, you'll have to man up completely and get out of the car and face me.
When I learned where I was going to college, which was beautiful "what can I afford?"...(Back when college was affordable... Fuck I'm old...) I did go to my top choice, even though they didn't offer the most money in scholarships.
But relevant to the OP question... My mother had left my stepfather previously and I was living with her a couple towns away, but I came to the house every day to let the dog out before going to my now actual home since nobody else was around to do it.
While playing with my pupper, I noticed something hidden between the cabinets and the refrigerator. It was an envelope with my acceptance letter to my top school postdated for a couple months earlier.
After I got done playing with the dog and letting him out, I drove to my mom's place all excited to tell her and she yelled, "Guess where you are going to college!?!"
My financial aid package showed up to the new address the same day I found my acceptance letter. (Total coincidence.)
Never spoke with my stepfather again after that. I heard a few decades later that he died a few years after that, but the dog and cat we'd left behind predeceased him and they were the only ones I missed. (The dog was the family dog, the cat was my mother's, but she was convinced she was the dog's puppy and we couldn't separate them and he insisted on keeping the dog. They did have a much nicer yard than the tiny property my mother moved to so I hope they enjoyed the rest of their life. The cat had never known a time without the dog to watch over for her so I didn't think she'd have ever been happy leaving that house.)
The second time.
I give people two chances. The first time, I make a mental note. Depending on the offense, I will politely and privately explain how the offense hurt me. I make my own mental warning.
Then the second time, private or public, it doesn’t matter.
I had a boss that liked to yell at people. I was her personal assistant and worked in her home. The first time she yelled at me, I politely explained I required a certain amount of respect to continue my employment.
The second time she yelled at me (it was over the phone while I was in her house) a figured F this job, I dropped my backpack, marched into her office, quit, and told her why.
Get me once, shame on you. Get me twice, shame on me.
When I snapped at my mom by gaslighting her. She felt like I stab her but I ultimately stopped her. Her last attempt at gaslighting shattered her relationship with my obnoxiously sensitive sister. My mom is not entirely a bad person but she just cannot take a blame but instead bring people down to her level by gaslighting.
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When I snapped at one of my mother's casual lies. She was painting her rose-tinted version of something she'd done to me as a teenager (not letting me go on a zero-cost school trip), and I just calmly said:
"That's not how it happened. It was just another random act of cruelty to you, but it had a lasting impact on me. I was bullied and ridiculed. I'm through with helping you misrepresenting history"
I called my siblings and told them about it, and they all agreed to stop humoring her bullshit. Feels good.
Nice! And how did she respond to that and act going forward??
Kinda well, actually. We (siblings and I) now say things like “My memory is very clear on this, mom” and “I don’t remember that - let me call my older brother” etc.
She now tries to deflect, she’ll say things like “That’s just how things were done back then”, but we have gotten her to apologize for some of the more egregious conduct.
I regret to say, just because these type of people apologize doesn't mean they are sorry. We have a couple of them in my family. The only thing they are sorry about is that you are calling them out on their bullshit. 100%
Yup. It's all performative. No remorse at all.
In my experience, nothing changes
"The Axe forgets, but the tree remembers." for sure.
I did something similar! Called my mom out on casually and not so casually pathologically lying. I highly suspect she has a personality disorder since she struggles to face the reality of her actual behavior and still believes that the image she created in her own head is how others perceive her. If cognitive dissonance had a name, that would be my mother. Whenever I did call her out, she’d try anything to immediately deflect - from crying to swearing, calling me names and belittling me (or others, I’ve seen her do the same to her husband). I understand that it’s largely her brain doing that, but seeing her living in a delusion while people around her have distanced themselves over the years is sad. In my 33 years of life, I can count it on one hand how many times she apologized to me (once). Somehow I had constantly apologized to her, as a 5-6-7-8-9 etc year old. I must have been the devil to cause so much grievance! Sadly in a lot of cases, where a parent/person has a PD that involves a narcissistic core, the person does not get a chance to gain self awareness
Beautifully put!
“33 years “
The first 60 years are the hardest!
I wish I’d done it sooner. I love her… but everything’s been a lot better since I moved to another country 5000 miles away
The majority of my family lives in NW Pennsylvania. I live in SC.
I love my family so much more from 700 miles away.
My mom & I were talking about when I was growing up. I wanted to look into going to college and my dad said "I have 2 more kids after you. I can't afford to send you to college." there was no discussion about scholarships, finding grants, or even going to the local community college to find out answers. It was just "go to work".
As mom & I were talking, I said I was really hurt by this and think that it held me back from attaining my dreams. (What I was looking for, maybe, was a little validation) and mom said, "well, we did the best we could and you need to stop thinking about the past". Welp, thanks ma. You & dad ruined my life (or at least my chances, as I saw them). I also mentioned that I had 3 career opportunities, even if I'd been able to go to college, nurse, secretary, or teacher. that's all my dad thought women were good for. He had three daughters.
What was she claiming happened?
That I couldn’t go on a week long foreign language-experience trip because “We couldn’t afford it”. The school said that they would pay for it from school funds because I was top of that particular class, and would greatly benefit from the trip. The truth is that my mother didn’t want me to go because she reveled in causing me misery.
This was just one of many similar events from my childhood - pulling me from after-school sports and other extracurricular activities, saying I could attend parties and then withdrawing the permission at the last minute, and more, so much more. She really was psychotic.
She’s old and frail now, but she’s still mentally sharp. I live thousands of miles away, which is a big help.
For me, it was in reading Brené Brown and learning that I actually could love people better and not resent them if I set boundaries. And then I started practicing and discovered that I didn’t carry that simmering resentment anymore when I spoke up.
You know that old dieting saying, “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels?” Well, I have modified it for myself into “The discomfort of speaking up now is so much better than long-term resentment and regret.”
Oh, that’s a brilliant modification to a shitty saying. Love it and totally stealing. 😁
Just took a screenshot of this for later! My husband needs to read this re:his mother
Which one really stood out for you?
When I stopped relying on the people who cross my boundaries for food and shelter
Yup this is the one
That’s a big one. It’s almost impossible to call someone out when they hold that kind of power over your day-to-day life. Having that independence really does open the door to actually standing up for yourself.
This is the hardest part. I always have to keep my mouth shut with my parents because I can’t afford to open my mouth. It’s exhausting, I cannot wait for the day I don’t have to put up with their bs anymore.
I stopped trying to keep the peace when I realized that “peace” was costing my children, not just me. Actually, it started when the stupidity began being aimed at my husband, but as he’s an adult and WELL capable of handling it himself, I mostly let it slide. But as soon as the target shifted to my kids, even incrementally, I went nuclear.
I was looking for this kind of reply. It was the same for me.
Thankfully, my parents just were (brought up) strict and had no experience or knowledge of gentle parenting, so when I found the courage to speak up on behalf of my child, they found out they could change their approach to parenting. I needed to get over my upbringing and had to openly disagree with them, which was really hard for me to do, but my mum found out she could speak nicer while still being authoritative, and my dad stopped using "not-speaking-to-someone" as his way of saying he disagreed with something someone did, because we couldn't visit often and he would lose the little time he had with his grandchild by doing it.
It’s so hard for me to sit and watch my MIL do this to my husband. I am a (childless) mother bear, so I always feel the need to defend him. But you have a point there, he’s an adult….trying to figure out how and if I should just let him defend himself. But he never does…..I’m the one stuck with the fallout! (Husbands deepening depression and anxiety). Ugh!
Hi! 30 and just had a blow up with 33 yr old brother. He’s been the family deity since birth. Everyone talks about him like some kind of incredible-being that can do no wrong. Since I can remember, he’s constantly put me down in front of the family and made fun of me. Everyone laughs bc he’s so charming. Also the only born male.
I blew up this weekend after years of quietly complaining. Everyone else’s “Peace” is just me taking the beating and smiling. I’m officially done at 30 :)
It was my 18th birthday. My mother had spent the entire night before ridiculing and belittling and diminishing me, the same as she did every night. When I woke up the morning of my birthday, she was supposed to come up and tell me the story of how I was born, a tradition. She did it every year. When I came downstairs she blithely remarked that she was done telling the story. I blithely decided I was done with her. When she left the house on an errand, I packed everything I could carry and called friends to come get me. I never spoke to that bitter bitch again. She died alone, the way she claimed I would. She had no friends at her funeral, the way she claimed I would. She had a terrible funeral service that ignored her religious wishes…the same way she ignored mine.
She made her bed. She never saw her eldest kid again.
ETA: if you too were raised by malignant narcissists, please know, it gets better. You can cut them off. You can live happily. You can be free.
I have a very similar mother. I don't remember the exact fight that woke me up but I was 15 and staying at her house. I packed up all my shit, called my dad to come get me, and told the bitch I would never go back. I never did.
Just like you she told me all these things like both me and my dad sre arrogant and narcissistd and that we both love to pick fights. Funny how litterally no-one else has ever said those things and neither of us has ever been in a fight again after we left her out of our lives.
I used to feel guilty sometimes for cutting the bitch off but one of my friends' mom once said "just because someone is blood, it doesn't mean you have to love them". That freed me from it all.
And yes, it gets so much better when you cut the toxic people out regardless who they are!
This probably won't help you since it sounds like you figured it out years ago, but I'm hoping it might help someone else who reads this. I want to expand on what your mom's friend said.
A pretty common saying in the US is "Blood is thicker than water", which is generally taken to mean that family is a stronger bond than any other. Well, I learned a few years back that that's not the original saying.
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" is the original, meaning the bonds formed from mutual experiences are stronger than the ones given to you by birth. Basically the exact opposite!
Once I learned this, I felt the guilt of distancing myself from my sister immediately dissipate.
I hope this is helpful to anyone who might be struggling to let go of bad relationships with any of their given family.
There is no evidence of the “water of the womb” version before the 1990s.
Also, the "blood is thicker than water" phrase has been traced back to German literature in the 1300s.
*Sorry, my bad. Once I checked my facts, I realized it was 12th century German literature. I am currently looking to find the actual book - I know I have it somewhere in my research.
Reinhart Fuchs
Yes! Thank you.
He does
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. That is the full phrase and essentially the opposite of what people use it for.
Nope. The "Blood is thicker than water" proverb has been traced back to 1200s German literature. The water of the womb was first seen in the 1990s. I haven't been able to find an initial reference.
There is no evidence of the “water of the womb” version before the 1990s.
Oh, thank you! I will do more reading into it!
Oh wow, you're absolutely right that the exact phrasing seems to be pretty new. That's my bad, apologies for spreading misinformation.
The idea has been around for much longer though, so I think my point still stands.
https://archive.org/details/bloodcovenantapr027440mbp/page/n27/mode/2up
Appreciate the correction!
You learned wrong.
Yeah, it does mean the opposite, because people disagreed with the original saying and so they changed the phrase. It's not the original, it's the modern version that matches modern values.
Cool dude, read my other reply where I already admitted to it. Cheers
[deleted]
I have no idea what you're talking about my man.
My point was that it's ok to cut ties with your problematic family members. That's it. That's the idea that's been around since ancient times.
I don't care about the exact origins or debating semantics of the phrase. I made a comment hoping to help people through some conflicting feelings they might have by sharing something that helped me when I was struggling through something similar.
I'm now regretting making that comment because it seems like the only thing redditors care about is being pedantic on the Internet 🤷
I'm a woman, not "my man". Lots of us have experienced the same thing you have, but we are also tired of all y'all insisting on the damn "Blood of the covenant" BS.
I wasn't even going to comment on your original reply, but you doubled down, and then continued. You were correct, no matter what anyone else had to say. Even though you weren't correct.
That is why 'redditors care about being pedantic'. To remind people that they are not the only people in the world. My man.
Sounds like we have the same Mom
Took me a lot longer to get away from my own narcissist, I was 25. Raised in a way that made it to where I had no realistic shot of getting out on my own and raised to fault myself for a lot of my misery, it took until 25 to be miserable enough to really push to get out and the only place I had to go was across the country away from everything and everyone I knew except for my cousin/best friend I was moving to. It sucked but also the experience of jumping right into that freedom and independence was an unforgettable one and started the process of recovering because not only was I realizing that no one but my parents treated me the shitty way they did but even living with someone else they never treated me anything like that.
Wasn’t a clean break, kept in contact for a long time and was still abused through that but got better about pushing back, I did end up moved back in with them a couple times due to very unfortunate circumstances but the first time I was able to push away again not too long after those circumstances resolved and the other time I was with my wife who was a massive help in both healing and in standing up for myself, and a little under two years ago I finally cut my parents out for good.
As you say, it does get better. And that even holds true when the process is long and messy instead of a clean break at 18.
I was in my 20s when I walked away from my father. Unfortunately it took until my late 40s to finally block my mother. Foolish me, I thought she meant well and I could convince her to do better and not be so hurtful. After I realized she did not, in fact, mean well, and that the stress she was causing me was making me sick, I finally cut her off. My only regret is not doing it sooner.
Exact same. All the abuse from my dad, my mom was complicit in her lack of defending me and even telling me that i was at fault for setting him off. For the longest time i thought she was trapped in it with him but no. She was part of it.
I don't speak to either of my parents. Best decision I ever made.
Perimenopause. Hits you like a ton of bricks right in your giveafuckitis. Knocks it completely out.
I'm there right now. My husband is... not a good person. I've finally quit keeping my mouth shut when he puts me down. Thanksgiving he was making up some shit i said/did to make me look bad in front of the whole family, and I was like. No. Watching his stutter and try to come back from it was great. Then he fell back to the old, "just chill babe. Will you chill out? It's not that big of a deal". Wrong. Thing. To. Say.
Pretty sure this was our last Thanksgiving together.
Congratulations on your impending divorce.
I know someone in a historically abusive, 30 year + relationship. One time, a grandson got a gun as a gift. Her husband responded “you know what you should do with that gun? Shoot grandma”. She hasn’t left yet, but if he says something, she puts it back at him. Shockingly, his behavior has gotten better now that he knows his wife won’t take his shit any longer.
This part. I abide no bs now.
I recently had an epiphany that women's fucks are stored in their ovaries and that's why we have fewer of them left to give as we get older and closer to menopause.
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Exactly!
Oh god, does it ever. I’m thankful I had managed to force away the folks who were the worst offenders before peri really kicked in, because the shift in my attitudes was so fast and almost violent that I could’ve hurt someone.
I had to learn that not all battles are a hill I'm willing to die on. I've always been ready to fight about it. I was 16 before I learned to shut my mouth and let it go. And I still struggle with it at 41.
My motto has always been "let's not rock the boat, we should completely flip it over instead".
The sticker on my car says "don't be part of the problem, be the whole problem".
It's not a great idea to burn bridges that you're still standing on. Try to get across and out of the way before you toss that match.
I like to remind myself burning those bridges behind me lights the paths ahead of me, and good or bad, the direction I chose is up to me.
I got to get a sticker like this. This is great. Bravo!
battles that are hills to die on are now something I ensure _someone_ gonna die on it, someone other than me
setting bridges on fire is one way to get enough light to see the way forward :)
Early twenties, my mom was always stomping my boundaries, then bitching that I didn't appreciate how much she did for me ...when I had explicitly told her that I didn't want her 'help'.
I used to let her harp about my being 'ungrateful', when one day, she threw a full-blown rage tantrum because I wouldn't let her redecorate MY house to her liking. She started the ungrateful-guilt-trip rant, but it dawned on me that NO, I didn't have to THANK her for violating my space!
Understand another thing about our family dynamic: I wasn't allowed to swear. Growing up as their daughter, the parents would strike me if I cursed ...like THEY did. Do you see the power tier? Cursing was a cheat move to wield power over me. However, that day I was pushing back that I wasn't going to be grateful to my mom for stressing me out, and I pressed, "YOU expect me to THANK you!?"
Thus, she brought out the cheat move and snarled, "I don't expect SHIT from you!!!"
For the first time in my life, I. saw. red. My hands shook with anger at the lies & tricks my narc mom had programmed into me, which she was trying to silence me with now.
Managing to find a voice, rather than a violent action, I roared, "Then, SHUT UP!!!"
Mom heard my true outrage rather than a fake manipulative tantrum, and immediately backed down. My rightous counter-rage had frightened her.
She'd not try to use anger to manipulate me ever again. Now, she's the caring, sweet, old woman who was supportive & generous the whole time and always had my best interests at heart. If I can't recognize that now; then I'm the weird, crazy one, and yes, ungrateful to her.
It became redundant, I’m 20
I'm 29 and had to move back home after being kicked out. I'm constantly spoken over bc my parents are my parents and I can't afford to do anything else. I hope your situation stays good enough that you never go back to that because it fucking sucks
I stopped after being disrespected too much, either by "friends" or others. Now, I dont care anymore. Im not letting anyone walk all over me or make me feel like my words dont matter as much.
When I went away to college I grew my voice. Took it to level 100 🤣 I’ve since gone down to a healthy 30 meaning I will absolutely speak my mind if needed but I also sift through each situation to see if it’s worth my energy.
Since I was in grade school. I am definitely a confrontational person.
When I realised the cost to myself and my mh.
I realised it would never change. I left one abusive relationship, only to recognise the signs in my dad's relationship too. We had a chat, he agreed he was in a abusive relationship but he didn't want to leave. I explained I'd be there for him but wanted nothing to do with his wife who has been hugely abusive to both his kids. The weight that fell off me was unreal. I hadn't realised how much weight she was putting on me until I removed myself.
Funny enough, she spent years telling me you should never cut people off, you never know when you might need them. While she cut people off. I did not realise I was giving her power and enabling her.
I spent roughly 2 decades accepting her crap for the sake of my dad, for his peace, only to realise that I get to have it too. And unfortunately mine is without his presence because she's twisted him. I still see him. But I don't chase the relationship.
I realised in August this year he hadn't asked to meet up once in 2025. I'd asked him 3 times. I've stopped asking. Last year in November I asked when he wanted to meet for Xmas. He said he'd get back to me because he was busy. This year he said he was going to a hotel because 'there wasn't much point when it was just the two of them' attempting a guilt trip. I said they'd have a great time and it was a great idea. I'm not willing to feel sorry for someone who created their own world and now has to live in it.
"Family comes first" until you, as family, ask them to put you first. I get that.
We'll make our own, and we won't be alone. I promise you are worth more than she made you feel. It was never your fault, and you should have been his priority.
oh, and by "make our own" i don't just mean having kids btw. I mean you'll find people to live with that treat you the way you should be treated. pets, if you want them, to come home to and see them there to greet you instead of being greeted with more mockery and misery.
my "family" is my wonderful partner and my four cats. nobody will ever tell me otherwise in a way that will matter.
nobody will ever hurt you like that again, and you will have say in anything you choose to have or do. no one will paint over your colors, both literally and metaphorically.
you are not alone.
Thank you so much, what a lovely thing to say. Very gratified you took the time to say that, I appreciate it hugely.
I am thankfully with an amazing partner who sees me, appreciates me and is just top notch in all regards. He encourages me express myself, I can talk to him about anything and he is in my corner 100%. I'm very lucky, and tell him that everyday. He is the first person to make me feel loved, and cherished. I've always been in the way, to my mind, and he's completely chucked that notion away.
I'm very glad we both have fab partners who we can rely on!
When I was in my 20s and had to be admitted to hospital. My mom had previously lied about having the medical condition I was admitted for. She made my symptoms a sob story about herself having the condition I was admitted for, projecting her hurt & pain onto me. She has done this many times before & I had finally had enough. She was in my hospital room with me & I screamed so loud three nurses came running.
Truly, once I started being medicated for ADHD & my anxiety dropped 80%. I was finally able to act without being overwhelmed with panic all the time.
And then when I heard someone say:
When you "keep the peace", WHOSE peace are you keeping?
That really hit because I was so sick of pretzeling myself to keep abusive people happy at the expense of my own peace.
I decided as uncomfortable as it is to say 'no', 'I don't have capacity' 'enough is enough', etc. to other people, the end result of feeling incredibly proud of myself for holding that boundary by being self-FULL (not selfish as abusers like to frame it as) was worth it. It's so great to stop feeling frustrated and annoyed for not standing up for myself!
Welp, here's a whole novel: When my mom threw me out for the last time, I didn't fight her to stay. I just didn't come back, exactly as asked of me. Of course, being the lying, manipulative bitch she was, she told the whooole family that I "ran away and bwoke her heaarrtttt" instead of her saying the words get out and don't come back but ehh, whatever I just cut them off too. All my life I had been forced to script messages from "myself" that said exactly what she wanted me to say, and knowing this tactic alone I knew I'd have to cut my WHOLE family off in order to truly cut HER off.
Listing ALL of the things she did would make this comment unpostable due to sheer length, so I'll try my best to keep it short:
My golden child older brother could do NO wrong because of his autism, and if he stole food? Even things like an entire jar of peanut butter which I literally can't handle more than ONE spoonful of at a time? It was my fault. And if he "didn't know HOWWW" to do the same chores he'd been taught many times before, even when I was 17 working almost full-time hours while he worked 4 per week, I would have to do his chores for him.
Also I'm autistic too. But, nooooo... See, according to her, I "grew out of it" (impossible), but wait I have opinions? "You think differently because of your autism"
...Which she said I grew out of last week. hmmmmmmmmm.
Oh, by the way, my grandmother had done the same kind of shit with her regarding her brothers as well. She pitied my twin uncles instead of raising them due to their disabilities, and let them get away with murder. My mom would get ONE cookie out of the big pack they'd buy once in a blue moon, and they would ravage the rest of it. And she'd get bitched out if she complained.
Her cookies, my fruit juice.
I physically cannot drink carbonated beverages, which were always on hand at home for my older (golden) brother and my twin brother. They'd get to guzzle down as much as they wanted, while I was stuck with water or iced tea that was basically water (the way my mom drinks iced tea is FOUL, even as an adult that shit is gross).
But when the fruit punch enters the house? If I got caught drinking the same amount of it as they did, I'd get in trouble. I'd get one glass and the boys would drink the rest.
You can see from that alone, she'd broken the promise she made to herself, and to me.
My twin (yes, you read that again: TWIN) brother could bike down the main road to go work his first job under the table at 14, but I couldn't sit in my own backyard without someone watching me from the porch or a window at 16. He could go wherever he wanted, but I had to beg my lazy older brother to chaperone me for WEEKS before I could even leave the property. And even then, we'd be out for 5 seconds before he turned around to go home. At which point I'd had a choice: Either follow him home and wait 2 more weeks to be walked like a dog, or go out anyway without him and deal with the consequences when I got back. I wish I had chosen the latter more often, but I only did that when I was absolutely at my wits end. I feared my mother and the wrath she only directed at us (the twins).
There's more in the replies, this is probably the longest it'll allow for one comment.
One time, she stole my inhalers for my athsma because literally the above^ but replace "problems" with "athsma" and tack on a "you're just fat" at the end.
This kind of thing happened a lot. I'd have a problem, she'd have something worse, my problem doesn't get addressed. But she really didn't have to go so far as to prevent me from grieving my grandmother's death in my own home. Not my house, because that's hers hers hers hers hers and how DARE I insinuate the place I lay my head is in any way my home, and all. But I could not grieve in the place where I should have been able to.
Because Nana was HER mother. HERS. Only SHE was allowed to feel anything aloud about her death and how DARE I say I was having trouble due to grief, how absolutely DARE I, right???
There was something Nana left behind. A CD I had burned for her, with all her old favorite songs, in an old cd player with old headphones. She wanted me to have it. And my mom took that CD in her hands, and if you know anything about CDS you know you gotta hold it by the side and the hole, not just pressing your thumb and finger down on the CD itself because you can smudge it.
I made the horrible, terrible mistake of asking her politely to please be careful in order to not smudge it or it may not work anymore. OOHHH. OHHHHHH. But SHE can hold it like thisss and like thisss AND LIKE THISSS and I can't do ANYTHING about it.
Yeah. She manhandled a memento of my dead grandmother "because she could", and I was never able to listen to that CD because of it. She also stole the cd player and headphones back too.
[*Billy Mays voice* BUT WAIT, THERE'S MOREE]
(((((TW ANIMAL DEATH.)))))
She grew up being told she could get a dog when she was an adult in her own home, so that's exactly what she did. We have that in common, save for it being a cat that I wanted (now I have four :3).
I got used to dogs passing away from old age or kidney problems pretty quick, since we had so many even from before I was born. The ones who were around for my birth were the first to go, and my mom would have them euthanized rather than dragging out their pain.
However.
There was one dog. One fluffy little dog. That made my entire understanding of her and how she views her "love" of animals go completely topsy-turvy.
Her name was Penny. She was a bichon frise, a happy fluffy little baby with some SERIOUS zest for life. One day, I came home and she had died. My mom said it was the same thing that got a good few dogs in the past, the kidney issues or liver issues I can't quite recall which, and I just took it as fact. What else was there to do, life happens and death happens. I mourned her and moved on.
Fast forward to age 20, I was still living with her (because I had to). This was around when my grandmother passed, and was just before she threw me out for the final time (she had done so multiple times) that I mentioned at the start of this whole thing.
She confessed to me. She said she had something she needed to talk about, and this was back when I was in constant people-pleasing fawning to survive mode so of course I listened. I had to be useful to be loved, so of course I listened.
And then she placed the final straw upon my aching, overburdened back.
She told me Penny wasn't actually sick. That she had only put her down because "she didn't want her anymore". She had the fucking audacity to look at ME, her animal loving daughter who commiserated with her about the pets her OWN parents "disappeared" on her and ask ME to comfort her.
The sheer fucking audacity. THAT was when I realized. She looked that dog in the eyes, told her she loved her. That she was FAMILY. And then she PAID MONEY to have her killed when her one "use" of being cute enough to keep my mom satisfied wasn't enough anymore.
What do you think that said to ME, her disabled daughter? Of fucking course I left. Of fucking COURSE I didn't fight to stay with her, of all people, to keep being "useful" for her. Of course I didn't lie down and show my belly. Because clearly, that shit doesn't work, now does it?
I did the thing most people only dream of but never actually do. I left my home state, moved across the country, am in the process of changing my name, and I never spoke to her again. She never gets to know whether I'm alive or dead, I TOOK MY FREEDOM. No more chaperones, no more coming home to more misery, no more masks masks masks masks masks on in my own home. No more mincing my words, walking on eggshells when I should be recovering. NONE OF IT.
Shit's still really rough, but at least I'm not THERE anymore.
And you would think all of that would be enough to erase the thought of "but what if it was all my fault, what if I was just a bad daughter" but nope! It was still there, writhing and slithering around in the back of my mind, hissing those words into me like a snake in the eden I had claimed for myself.
It was only when my twin brother cut them all off too that it finally solidified. No. It was never my fault. I was a child. SHE should have known better.
So, yeah. Not fighting her to "keep the peace" and keep my family in my life was that moment for me.
So glad you got out. You can do anything, you have already lived through Hell. 💜
Thanks, I honestly am still going through it due to the autistic burnout it caused. Been housebound for 3 years now, but I'm not giving up hope. We're moving out of the shitty trailer we've been living in soon, finally gonna have grass instead of rocks in the yard. Haven't found a place yet, but we're looking!
Gonna be finally getting back on meds soon. Planning to work on all that after we move. I'm genuinely looking forward to it. The whole being housebound thing hasn't been as bad since I got on vrchat back in August at least, and things are looking up in general right now :3
Not gonna lie I was super stressed out when I posted all that earlier ;
Go live your best life away from that abomination and love all the dogs you can
Im so terribly sorry you have a monster for a parent
<3
When I became a mom. Big family. Dysfunctional and pushy. I pushed back.
I’m 67 and I still struggle to keep my mouth shut. I even left my home country for three years to get away from all the drama
Story time...
Teal Deer (tldr) : in my late teens i stood up for myself from my entitled sister - a big no-no my entire life, and the house fell apart (not literally). We are now NC 23 years later.
Late teens... Honestly, too late though but better late than never. I was always last in line and got scraps while my sister was handed opportunity after opportunity by our parents. As such i always got my sister's beat-down stuff except her clothing. Expensive school trips, expensive stuff, anything for dear Dawn. Alex has a free school trip and wants spending money? Well see, but you can use leftover school lunch money (was given $2 day for a 1.50 lunch).
Anyway, because of circumstances it was my sister's (20F) husband & 2 kids living with us (they got evicted, and owed on bills), my sister had one of her entitled meltdowns as she does and got mad at me (17M) for using a window air conditioner and not a ceiling fan. I was still a pc gamer, and did graphics/programming as a side hustle so my room was ~hot~. I told her to "F off", something ive never done before and it degenerated immediately and she decided to kick me out. Told her i will "leave with whats mine". Because of circmstances all the bills except rent was in my-name. Only when i was on the phone cancelling the phone service did she realize i wasnt playing (electric, water, gas, phone/internet). Mom intervened, "i wont repeat after this, i walk out this door, im taking what is mine - period". "You cant do this because my kids!". She always used the "my kids" as leverage once she had them. My sisters husband (34M) tried to intervene too and i cut him off too. For once, they walked on eggshells around me because i now held all the cards and i made sure to let them know from every passing snide comment or whisper.
It was the first time i stood up to any of them. They backed off until we moved out because my worthless father (took rent and went to bike week in daytona for 3 days) and deadbeat sisters husband. We have been extremely LC/NC since then. We only see each other when someone dies. I will never have to see/hear her again because all immediate family members are gone (last one died 2013). My close friend who i moved in with has my end-of-life/emergency paperwork in place. Lawyers are expensive even for mundane crap (specifically will, living will, medical power of attorney... * Guys please prepare this stuff ahead of time. it makes a huge difference!!! * ). I went to great lengths to remove my sister from anything she could use screw me over. The cost is worth the peace of mind. Its the way her entitled behind is, she would stoop that low.
There was one very memorable incident i heard about during our NC times. My sister and cousin (Cristal) were super close; inseperable growing up until my sisters husband came into the picture... My sister and Cristal were having a girls-night at some restaraunt something they used to do weekly and was now once a year maybe. Pre smartphones, so they were showing off baby/kid pictures. According to Cristal, she happened to flip past a few pics of me playing with her kid (he was like 5, pics were holding him upside down, tossing him in the air - he loved it!). Cristal tried skipping over them quickly but my sister wanted to see... Cristal said my sister teared up a little and mumbled "i want that, why cant i have that"... Luckily Cristal was always a mouthy wiseass "you had it, until you pushed him away like you did me". She told me that, and it warmed my cold heart.
"When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives." - Lauren Eden (i had to look up the name)
... This was a bit longer than expected.
I started working in a hotel at 21 and my general manager emphasized the importance of having boundaries with our ill-behaved guests– especially as a young woman. When I realized there'd be no repercussions for matching behavior (or at least, meeting swearing with deadpan snark) I started getting a lot more comfortable dealing with unpleasant people.
Nowadays, when an old man calls me 'dear' or 'sweetheart' or some other nickname I do not fucking care for, it's automatic: "I have a name, and it's [NAME]. Please refer to me by that!" Push me any further, all bets are off.
When keeping the peace disrupted my own peace. I was focusing so much on what was the latest fuck up with my brother and sister in law to make myself feel better about the fact that my parents swept every issue they caused under the rug.
One day I finally had enough when my dad yelled at me in front of my own daughter regarding the issue. My brother had a conversation with my husband and then got my mom involved and lied about what my husband had actually said. I screamed at my parents everything I had been holding in and how dare them believe a known liar. I kicked them out of my car for it also because for once I was finally in charge of the situation and I wasn’t going to accept this in front of my child.
Let me tell you they finally are figuring it out.
My 90% absentee father has taken to trying to force me to be friendlier with him and his side of my family. He tried to demand I call his mother for her birthday a few years ago. Apparently I was triggered, because I immediately said “I don’t need to call a woman who beat me with a wet towel for spending too much of my birthday money on ice cream.” It was so effective that now every time he pushes a boundary I relay to him the exact situation that’s led to said boundary and he backs down.
I had to learn about myself first. Once I was sure of myself and my own truth, it became a lot easier to speak up and shut people down. And honestly, aging. My response now to anyone who has anything to say about my decisions or opinions is “I’m 32.”
as soon as I realized all the tricks they were using to keep me quiet
(age 41, lol)
When my husband asked me why I was tying myself in knots for people who would not do crap for me… fortunately it was early in our marriage.
Pretty early. That's why I have been that bitch who stands up for herself for most of my life. Funny though that I have been called a bitch for not letting people walk over me or matching their energy. I mean, better to be one to others than one to myself.
When my sister and I found out our younger brother had a nearly 1 year old son he had kept secret from all of us and that our parents were keeping the secret too. He never saw the kiddo and he and our parents were absolutely furious that we reached out to the boy's mom. We also learned he adopted his girlfriend's daughter, who was the same age as his little boy, a month after he got the positive DNA test back about the secret baby. We were all thrilled that he had adopted the girl, not knowing about the secret little boy. Our brother stood there and took all the praise from us, knowing he was ignoring his biological child. He has since become engaged to that girlfriend, and they recently had a baby together. A week before that baby was born, we found out he was talking to other girls 🙄
The little boy is almost 4, and my brother has still never met him and I've hung out with the boy and his mom several times (they're both lovely). So naturally, my sister and I still bring this up to our parents every chance we get and refuse to have a relationship with our brother. We've also told almost everyone in our extended family about it.
My parents called me cruel and heartless for not letting them claim my son on their taxes so they could get the tax credit. A big fight ensued, and where i would normally just "get over" it, i just snapped and told them "if your next sentence isn't an apology, I'm blocking you on everything and we're done talking." It wasn't an apology. I haven't talked to them in 3 years.
It's been a life long string of them taking full advantage of me, me paying their bills when i was 15 with money i made working under the table at a store in the mall, them disrespecting me and undermining me to my own kids, and then there's the physical abuse from my dad that my mom acted like was my fault. Because i set him off. He was arrested for trying to kill me when i was 19. I "got over" it after a few months and never pressed charges. I should have stood up back then. It should never have taken me 15 more years.
When I was taught by my school that black people were nothing more than an extension of property in the modern age. Fuck that, I’m black and I’m still shocked by this shit 23 years later
Where the hell is this school?!?!?! I can't even imagine that kind of bullshit.
I remember being the only black kid in a classroom of 30 and had a social studies class where we did a paper and debate. The topic was “ slavery: was the right thing to do why or why not?” And I had to listen to 28 other students tell me how “negroes are selfish for crippling the economy. You technically should still be working to help America” ONE white student called everyone out and the teacher
Nj
I stopped staying quiet when I realized the toll it was taking on me to betray my values.
Some of my core values are justice, fairness, and respect for others. Every time I stayed quiet when something was wrong or unacceptable, it felt like parts of me were being chipped away because I wasn't being true to myself.
Eventually I realized that the "peace" is false anyways, it's not peace, it's subjugation. I realized I sure wasn't feeling any peace by trying to placate everyone, and I finally asked myself, why should I be miserable just so others can be comfortable in their bad behavior? I'd rather say something or do something and go down swinging than lose myself trying to please everyone.
January 6th, 2021. My mothers birthday was trampled over by a literal treason attempt.
I started traumatizing traitors, not coddling them.
Trump, then Covid, then Trump again. Blue dot in a sea of red who kept silent to keep the peace. Now they are all sad I've 'changed', but I'm not. I'll never be quiet about the evil around me ever again.
Hear hear friend. It's exhausting tbh, but better that than the alternative.
When my parents put my child in the middle
They were divorced and they hated eachother and that is what I grew up with
When I realized that I could deal with interpersonal problems by simply walking out or asking the offender to leave my home. I do not run away from fights, but retreat sometimes IS the better part of valor.
When I turned 28 (currently 32).
I stopped going to my Uncle’s house for the holidays because he and my mother are horribly abusive and I was sick of it. I would usually thug it out for the sake of “family being together” but I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I stopped going and when I was asked why I told them I’m not trying to be around abusive people at all, let alone during a time that should be spent with loved ones. I spend most holidays alone now but I’ll take that over being around my abusers any day.
roughly 14. abusive shit ass mom made me lose my temper. 26 now and I've mostly learned when not to cause drama. I don't like drama, but I will absolutely stand up for myself, and sometimes that leads to it.
After my boss used me so badly for so long that I spent ten days in a mental asylum.
Around the time I was 39 yrs and going through cancer(now in remission) I just stopped coddling people, silence keeps their peace and fuckups yours, so if I'm going to cry, then we both cry or do it my way and no one will cry. I also know when to stay quiet, when to let it go, and when to raise my voice and growl and show my teeth
When I realized that I was the one ending up feeling miserable and verbally abused all the time, I stopped being quiet and started speaking up and asserting myself. I also made sure first that I can support myself financially and won’t need their help anymore when I stopped staying quiet for the sake of peace.
At 51. Start earlier than I did! My peace is more important than theirs.
I got too old to give a fuck anymore.
Once I hit my 50s, my IDGAF gene activated. I suspect it's going to be the life-long default mode for drama queens and family histrionics. Between that and removing myself from stressful situations (literally getting up and leaving asshats sitting there in bemused/stunned silence that someone stood up to their bad behaviour), life is pretty drama free. I plan to keep it that way.
I absolutely will not start drama. That said, when someone else starts it, I have zero issue with putting an immediate stop to it. I don't mean avoiding it so much as stomping it into the ground.
My father fell and was in the hospital. I was up there the day it happened and was with him each and every day including two overnights from the Monday he went in to the Friday he was transferred to a rehab facility. Still maintained daily visits at rehab for the two weeks he was there but they didn't allow overnight visitors. On the Friday he was transferred from the hospital to rehab I got a text from my step-sister about how I needed to step up and be there for my father as if I hadn't been there all week doing exactly that. Then she had the nerve to be upset that I didn't take too kindly to her condescending BS. She was very brave over text but when she saw me in person sugar wouldn't melt in her mouth.
I realized a few months ago that I only did it because I was never taught how to deal with conflict; I didn't want peace, I wanted to avoid conflict because I didn't know how to navigate it.
Furthermore I didn't want to be confident and choose myself because that means you're a threat to some people and you guessed it, it means dealing with conflict and having to defend yourself.
When it starts to make you feel physically ill, that’s when you know you HAVE to speak up or do something about it.
I’ve always died on every hill. Recognize and report harm.
i haven't gotten there yet, but i feel myself at my limit. i think talking to my therapist and realising how small i make myself just to please other people is wearing me down. i hope to find my voice sooner rather than later.
When I realized that I had someone very close to me in my step family who was deeply mentally ill and deeply unhappy as a result of it (and enabled to do nothing about the situation as a result of her multi million dollar trust fund.) She was ecstatic when my husband cheated and left. She stayed happiest when I was still unhappy, and was doing everything she possibly could to undermine any healthy progress I was making in my life. She used extreme emotional manipulation to try to keep me “down in the dirt” with her so that she wouldn’t be there alone.
When I realized this, boundaries were set, and it was explosive.
e there for a reason, good on you for realizing it
When my siblings bullying and responsibility avoidance endangered our mother.
I grew up in a "hyperfunctional family" Instead of holding things in and falling into dysfunction, we fought it out about everything. I can't be quiet, I won't stand by for bullshit. It is not a good thing, but it is a thing.
When I had somebody else’s peace to protect, and someone who made me realize mine is worth speaking up for
About 10yrs ago. Lost a lot of family because i spoke up aboitbshitbibdidnt agree with.. oh well.
Funnilybenough, I dont actually miss them. Whod'a thought?
May 2025.
I'm 43, female, married, and exhausted. I just don't have the energy to spare
Not me as I just went completely no contact with my parents, my sister followed suit of NC but our mother had reached out through SM to try to understand why we don’t talk to our parents. My mother was begging for answers and the truth. My sister just went nuclear with paragraphs of all their shitty behaviours and things they did, things they thought we didn’t know and laid everything bare. Which she was met with you just don’t understand, that’s not what happened and something along the lines of how dare you! Safe to say she was blocked very quickly. According to our aunt she was needing a kidney and we assume she was reaching out to see if one of us would give her one..🤷🏻♀️
In my case, when my sister died from decades of severe abuse and neglect this year. After that, I am no longer willing to be silent for abusers. I will do them no favors and I will not forgive because my sister should have been a phone call away for 40 more years. They went too far and that cannot be undone.
I recently learned about a psychological double bind and it sounds like you’re in one too. The nature of that is silence equals betrayal of myself and my sister (in my case) which leads to toxic guilt that stays. Speak, and you feel conditioned guilt from the abusers who trained and silenced you. For me, I can work my way out of conditioned guilt I should not feel (as I imagine is the case for a lot of us), but I cannot sit with the toxic guilt of silence any longer.
I figured out as a child that doormats get walked on. I started pushing back in adolescence and never stopped.
Then there’s the people that LOVE that they “got you upset”
Most people who upset me generally don’t love that they got me upset, at least not for long. If somebody really pisses me off, I get really vicious verbally. There’s nothing that’s off limits, too embarrassing or too sensitive. I’ve probably done this only a handful of times in my life, but suffice to say those individuals didn’t cross me a second time.
I didnt stop the silence- I removed myself completely. Stop surrounding yourself with people who cross lines. It was the best for me. If they asked me what changed I will explain why I had to for my sanity but I stopped giving a shit about people I’m supposed to bc they are family/friends whatever the case may be.
35 or so. With my Mother in law.
It’s been a pleasant 15 or so years knowing she can’t handle any kind of confrontation. If is only known at 26.
When I was cycling down the same road that I have done for months, and encountered the same abuse from cars overtaking aggressively, who shout out some nasty remarks at me, even though I'm just cycling, my lights are on, I'm not doing anything wrong.
It's ALWAYS MEN and it's USUALLY MEN trying to IMPRESS THEIR GIRLS riding shotgun.
This time, I caught up to the offender, who had his passenger window down with his girl looking a little shocked and surprised. I called him a pathetic pussy cunt for shouting at innocent cyclists and then running away in your car. He could only shout abuse from the safety of his car, but when I caught up and confronted him through his passenger winder, he's shitting himself. I said next time, you'll have to man up completely and get out of the car and face me.
That little bitch will think twice next time.
When I learned where I was going to college, which was beautiful "what can I afford?"...(Back when college was affordable... Fuck I'm old...) I did go to my top choice, even though they didn't offer the most money in scholarships.
But relevant to the OP question... My mother had left my stepfather previously and I was living with her a couple towns away, but I came to the house every day to let the dog out before going to my now actual home since nobody else was around to do it.
While playing with my pupper, I noticed something hidden between the cabinets and the refrigerator. It was an envelope with my acceptance letter to my top school postdated for a couple months earlier.
After I got done playing with the dog and letting him out, I drove to my mom's place all excited to tell her and she yelled, "Guess where you are going to college!?!"
My financial aid package showed up to the new address the same day I found my acceptance letter. (Total coincidence.)
Never spoke with my stepfather again after that. I heard a few decades later that he died a few years after that, but the dog and cat we'd left behind predeceased him and they were the only ones I missed. (The dog was the family dog, the cat was my mother's, but she was convinced she was the dog's puppy and we couldn't separate them and he insisted on keeping the dog. They did have a much nicer yard than the tiny property my mother moved to so I hope they enjoyed the rest of their life. The cat had never known a time without the dog to watch over for her so I didn't think she'd have ever been happy leaving that house.)
Never stayed quiet. My circle is small. Most people can’t handle truth and boundaries.
The second time. I give people two chances. The first time, I make a mental note. Depending on the offense, I will politely and privately explain how the offense hurt me. I make my own mental warning.
Then the second time, private or public, it doesn’t matter.
I had a boss that liked to yell at people. I was her personal assistant and worked in her home. The first time she yelled at me, I politely explained I required a certain amount of respect to continue my employment.
The second time she yelled at me (it was over the phone while I was in her house) a figured F this job, I dropped my backpack, marched into her office, quit, and told her why.
Get me once, shame on you. Get me twice, shame on me.
I was 8 and life had been… interesting since.
When I snapped at my mom by gaslighting her. She felt like I stab her but I ultimately stopped her. Her last attempt at gaslighting shattered her relationship with my obnoxiously sensitive sister. My mom is not entirely a bad person but she just cannot take a blame but instead bring people down to her level by gaslighting.