i don't mean forgetting TO use the correct voice, i am good at reminding myself to alter it. but when i try to use it its like i literally forget the entire technique and it ends up sounding off, typically a heavier weight. but when i sit down to read a book it's automatic and the weight is much lighter??? i just can't believe i literally cannot use my muscle memory outside of dedicated practice
Specifically with people I already know, this happens SO bad. Drive through? No problem. Customers at work? No problem. Family dinner? Suddenly it's gone.
Yup. Part of it is anxiety for me. Some interactions cause me to hold muscle tension which kills my voice. The other part is ingrained behavior with specific people. Just like how anxiety creates tension, conversing with someone I am very comfortable around and have known for a long time makes me fall back into established language patterns. The last part is simply cognitive load. I can read from a book or recite the rainbow passage or something else committed to memory and focus only on my voice but forming original sentences and focusing on the conversation and what I want to say takes priority in my brain over how I'm using my voice to say it. This last one is something I am actively working on with specific exercises.
Games like "I'm going to the store and I'm going to buy [item beginning with A, B, C etc.] while staying in voice are super helpful in training your brain to think and speak while developing your voice into muscle memory. I also try to engage in inconsequential short conversations with strangers while staying in voice to address the anxiety part. Short things like drive throughs, ordering coffee, getting gas (I'm in NJ) from a gas attendant can all help train away the stress tension from your voice.
I'm still working on all of this myself and these are just what seems to be working for me. Good luck.
In my experience the reason is not that people tend to forget or are unable to technically do the voice, but rather that the weight of expectations (and judgement) of people that know them tends to shut down their genuine expressive self that comes from the heart. It is literal shame (which is a huge can of worms in itself). Think of it like that - older voice, however paradoxical it might be, is familiar and thus safe. It doesn't matter how much it might hurt to use it - it is the hurt you're used to.
The solution tends to be not to force the voice itself in such situations, but to build up the feeling of safety when using it - ideally with trustworthy and nonjudgemental people around you. Safety to express yourself in a broad sense, not just the voice, but you as you are, your femininity in general. Easier said than done, but forcing it might accomplish the opposite - create a sense of dread of using it.
damn this is poetic as hell
I haven't had the courage to use my voice around people yet, but have definitely noticed that when around people who make me uncomfortable I sort of code switch into a deeper voice with a more intense version of my accent. Even when specifically trying to not, it's still very clear it's happening and I hate how it sounds
yup, that's very common. when you're relaxed and just making that direct "I want to say this" -> speaking it aloud mind-body connection you'll fall into a more comfortable and lower voice than when you're completely aware of how you're speaking bc you're talking to a stranger or in a situation where you're tense or making a conscious effort to be gendered correctly in your voice
cis women do this too a lot of the time, they'll be a little more deep or have more of a fry when chatting with friends but will go a little lighter and girlier with strangers or with a new person they're dating
as with anything voice training related practice is key; you'll still probably do tho to some extent but you can narrow that window of depth such that your 'default comfortable voice' gets a little lighter over time