I've been in therapy for a while now and not making the progress I was hoping to make, and I've been wondering what can I do or which kind of therapy I need to seek out. I hope someone here has been through similar stuff, or has any advice for me.

So my backstory in short is: I was traumatized as a child, witnessed the suicide of my grandma, who had schizoaffective disorder. My whole childhood I needed to care for her with my mother, I could fill whole books with the traumatizing stuff that happened. My mother was also traumatized, had BPD style outbursts, in which she would blame me for everything (including the illness of my grandma and that she had to care for her) and made suicide threats. At 18yrs I moved out but still tried to support her. I found a wife, got a job, but suffered from episodes of depression since then. But my relationship was stable for 12yrs, we didn't fight or anything like that, but then decided to split because we weren't in love anymore and didn't want to have kids. We're still on good terms.

Shortly after that I met a woman. To keep it short: She was suicidal and depressed, I wanted to support her and we fell in love after a while. But she wasn't sure of her feelings and we had an on/off relationship. She then wanted to kill herself because she thought she was being abusive, I comforted her, then she fell in love with me again, then she was never in love, then she was suicidal because I didn't want to talk to her anymore and she was still in love with me (after her breaking up with me for the 3rd time)...and so on. I was always willing to give her a new chance, partly because I was in love with her, partly because I was afraid she would kill herself. Then finally she wanted to give it a chance again, but made me promise that we would stay friends if it doesn't work out. That "chance" lasted a single weekend – we didn't even meet in person before she ended it again. After that I felt obligated to honor my promise, and we stayed friends for 2 whole years, in which she got back with her ex-bf, that I never met despite us seeing each other 2 times a week.

During all these years she had multiple suicidal crises. She had plans, asked for help, or wanted to make suicide pacts with me and other people. I thought I could cheer her up, which always worked, but was always temporary. Then one day, I admitted that I was still in love with her and she ended the relationship on the spot...but told me that in 2yrs on that day we should meet again for a "fresh start". I immediately went into therapy (psychodynamic), because I knew that this wasn't healthy. With the goal to forget her, to be able to form new relationships. But it didn't work. I waited the whole 2yrs to contact her again. When it happened she didn't care at all. She said she changed her mind long ago but agreed to at least talk once to say the final goodbye. That final goodbye became 5 meetings that felt almost like dates, a bit of flirting mixed with suicidal messages. Like "Whenever I think about you, I think that I am a monster that doesn't deserve to live" or she would tell me that her parents told her they would kill themselves too if she does it, but she would do it anyway. Then she moved away, and only messaged me "No further contact. This is final!" even though she used to message me and even invited me to visit her.

That was 2 years ago. So I basically have had no contact with her in 4yrs. But still I'm constantly thinking about her. Multiple times a day. I have nightmares on the regular, sometimes it's about learning that she died, or that she is in the process, but mostly I just see her, but can't talk to her because she disappears or because she is simply ignoring me. I have developed "tics", when alone and something reminds me of her, I shout her name, or "I love you" or "Please don't" or sometimes I just scream. It's completely involuntary, it basically happens faster than I can think, but I can suppress this when in company and instead I just shake my head violently.

Sometimes my concern for her grows so big that I have to check if she is still alive. I still have her contact on my phone and check her "last seen on" status. If that fails I grow frantic and even check the obituary. I saw that she is posting songs on Spotify, and she is posting songs about suicide – the "I want to die", "soon it's over" type – with very explicit lyrics. I try to avoid "stalking" her in that way, even deleted everything. But sooner or later I get so desperate to see if she is still alive that I reinstall everything. I actually dread seeing more suicidal stuff. 3 months ago I also found her username on a forum for suicide. I usually can't calm down for at least 3 days to 2 weeks. After the peak I feel mildly dissociated, as in the world is feeling less real, and I can't think or concentrate even on the simplest tasks. Then everything returns to normal.

Since then I've been in therapy, with 5 different therapists actually. One for a year that featured trauma-related imagery techniques (safe space, containment), before that I had 5 sessions with a CBT therapist but they concluded that CBT isn't the right thing. Then 2 times inpatient, which was completely pointless. In between I managed to find another therapist specialized in CBT but she just let me talk without direction for 12 sessions, when I asked her to finally do some "work" or helpful interventions, she gave me worksheets on self-esteem. But she was almost disappointed that my self-esteem isn't bad. In none of my therapies we could find a well defined actionable goal to achieve. "Forgetting your ex"? Sorry no worksheets, or models for that. "Finding new relationships"? Nope, best advice I got was trying tinder. "Not caring if someone you love kills themselves"? Can't do that either.

I'm probably the intellectualizing type, and have read several books on ACT, CBT, DBT, Psychodynamic Therapy, and have tried to treat myself with it. Thought defusion, trauma-related techniques, meditation, ERP, CBT worksheets. Nothing even made a dent so far (I get that doing this alone is not the same as doing it with a therapist) and it feels like nothing even seems to apply to my problems. Trauma work often assumes that your fear response is because you are afraid for your own life, and it often says that the threat to your life is already over. But I'm afraid for her life, and the threat is real and ongoing. Obviously every therapist has asked me how this fear relates to my childhood, and I have talked through it again and again. I have read up on attachment theory, object relations theory, CBT, schema therapy etc. In the first sessions with a new therapist they will often say "I think we made a lot of progress today!" and that annoys me, because I have told that again and again to several therapists, and nothing new ever comes of it and I never have the feeling "wow I didn't see it that way, that's new".

I guess my question is: What therapy should I seek out next? How do I find goals that are achievable with therapy? What has been missing in therapy so far? I often read how therapy only works if you do "the work" and looking back I don't even see what that entails.

If anyone has been through something similar, or has any ideas what might actually help, I'd appreciate it.