So I just watched video on YouTube titled "How to recognize perfectly hidden depression" from Tedx talk and it hit me. The story of the speaker's client hit too close to home.
I'm 12th grade, and suicidal thoughts had been haunting me for years. The worst time it got me when I was in 11th grade (I even throw up and feeling sick that time). I've had consider on going to the therapist but then changed my mind since those thoughts only came in few occasions and now I rarely have it. And whenever I have that thoughts, I brush it off and thinking I was just being overdramatic since I am still a minor, a kid.
Until finally after the final exam on this semester, I feel like a literal failure. I started self loathing again, imagining the worst thing I would do to myself. I harmed myself for the first time that day. I did it silently in the afternoon in my dorm, where other friends also live together with me. After I did that, no one notice and I joke around with them as usual. No one would ever thought I just harmed myself seconds ago on my bed, hiding behind stacked pillows.
As I've said before, those are temporary thoughts and everything went fine. But I feel like it always came when I wasnt distracted by external things and those thoughts slowly became wors overtimet. The thoughts of doing suic*de slowly feels.. possible, like, I might doing it, not just thinking about it.
I need advice, ig? If you ask my current state rn, I am fine. Is it necessary for me to reach therapist even though I am fine currently? I have never been to therapist, moreover it still taboo thing to go there in my region.
Btw, sorry for bad English, because it's not my first language lol
Your submission in /r/therapy contained a possible suicide reference.
We strongly recommend that anyone considering self-harm or suicide consider the many resources available through r/SuicideWatch. There are listings for worldwide hotlines here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
To go out on a limb, I feel like you know that you need therapy and that it would be beneficial, but perhaps you are “comfortable”/used to your life with having depressing thoughts that you are uncertain of help? I can only imagine the stress you feel that you started hurting yourself physically. One way people describe depression is that it never leaves, it just comes back in different amounts. Even if you think you are fine currently, you will might find it worse later. If therapy is available and if you can afford it/provided to you, I would at least try it once. Another thing I suggest is watching more videos of people talking about depression, but from a psychological/medical perspective. “Dr.k”/“Healthygamergg” is a Harvard psychiatrist who explains a lot about psychiatry. In his case, because he explains why people become depressed, stay depressed, SH, etc. it gives a very clear and logical understanding of why you feel the things you do. So that could help provide clarity on your own feelings if you have doubts in general.(As a side note, his interviews with Twitch streamers are amazing because they are like looking into a therapy session and also being in a therapy session if that makes sense lmao. Highly recommended those!!) Wish you lots of love and if you have any questions or what more advice, please feel free to ask!!! :>
I can relate to most of the things. I don't have much advice and I am not able to give you good advice I suggest you to try to understand the root cause of behavior slowly we will heal have patience. If you don't wanna go to therapist I believe gemini can give you good advice than me. Follow this prompt structure.
You are a expert therapist helping me see the things why I have this behavior. Dump all the context of yours ask help me to see why I choose this behavior why I can't get out of it. It doesn't help that much it can just show 1st steps.