Sometimes I find myself wishing for things that I know are terrible. Currently I have 2 examples.
1st. Sleep paralysis. First off for context, I am a person who despises fear to my core. Fear is terrible I hate feeling scared, I stay away from horror media because I'm easily traumatisable and just don't like that feeling of fear. Yet sometimes especially tonight which this is actually what got me to post this. I'm thinking about trying to learn lucid dreaming, specifically because it commonly results in sleep paralysis. I have no clue why but I really want to experiance sleep paralysis, fully aware that I'd hate every second of it and knowing just how frightening and damaging it can be. I've heard stories, but I still kind of want to try it, also knowing that it's not a one and done thing, and that it can stay for years if not forever maybe. Why do I want it?
2nd. I don't want to say it and I'll stay away from being direct after this but I'm referring to rape/sexual assault whatever you want to call it. Genuinely, no clue why I want *that* to happen to me, I know I have some reasons, part of me hates myself and thinks I deserve it, I will admit there's a part of me that's slightly into the idea in a fantasizing way but that is the smallest part. But mostly, I just want it to happen for god knows why. Please don't take me as thinking it's not as serious as it is because I know how serious it is, I have several people in my life who have gone through that including one of my siblings and I know it damaged her so terribly that a decade and a bit has gone by since it happened and she's just now I think mostly recovered. She's been depressed most of her life and even suicidal and I'm 90% sure that is the main reason why. So yes I know just how bad/life altering/life ruining it is. And that's exactly why I have no clue why the heck I'm like this.
Why am I like this. These things ESPECIALLY the second one are only harmful, I know how harmful they are, and I'm not a masochist because I know I don't want it because I think I'd enjoy it, I know I'd hate either so much, so why am I like this?
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OP, you might benefit from reading about IFS and exploring that therapy.
Sorry could you please explain more or atleast give the full acronym? I tried looking up ifs and got nothing 😖
Internal Family Systems! One book that was useful is No Bad Parts but just reading about the model and theory is a good start
Fyi maybe I should've mentioned this more in the post, but I am depressed (technically not diagnosed but I most definately am). I hate myself a lot, and have suicidal thoughts sometimes.
But I do want to say, that I don't think it's related to what I've been talking about in my post, as hating myself is definately a reason I think I deserve the second thing. But there is also just a want in me for these things completely unrelated to feeling bad about myself.
it sounds like you’re looking for an outward reason for your pain, you’re invalidating your feelings of depression because you feel you haven’t been through something to necessarily cause depression. this inhibits your being able to feel your feelings and contributes to the spiral. i’ve been there.
That could be. I'm not too sure about that since I do think I have a few good reasons (ruining my relationship with the person I care about most in the universe and now he doesn't want to talk to me and it's my fault and I'm a terrible person. My dad is not accepting of my identity at all, making sexist/transphobic remarks every so often, he thinks letting me dress how I want is being supportive even though that's the bare fucking minimum. I have barely any friends and am genuinely unhappy with where I am in life (I have another post on a different sub from about a week or two ago going over that). And my mum's health keeps declining, she thinks it's 2014 even though we've said several times that our littlest sibling wouldn't exist if it was 2014, and she keeps getting weaker, completely unable to get out of bed on her own and I'm pretty sure she's getting paler). So yeah I don't think I don't have enough reasons to be upset especially because there's more but those are the major things. But who knows.
Edit to my other comment.
Someone else just said something that made me think, kinda saying what you said in more detail and, I think you're right. It's probably imposter syndrome, thinking I haven't had enough to feel as bad as I do :/
when you hate yourself, you, consciously or not, want bad things to happen to you because you believe that's what you deserve.
sexual assault fantasies can happen for many different reason but as i see it, most often it's an attempt to process negative experiences. unlike real-life sexual assault, in your mind you're in control what's happening. so in your mind it's more like staging a play than anything. i think even if you personally haven't been a victim of it, it still can happen. maybe your sister's experience traumatized you by proxy. especially since you see the effects of it on your sister, it's combined with wishing the worst for yourself. maybe it's porn. maybe it's because you get sexually harassed or there's something that makes you ruminate over it, like if you often have to walk alone in the darkness so your brain makes up the worst scenarios. maybe you crave excitement, some stimuli, and this is the only thing that can create feelings strong enough to pass as excitement. maybe a combination of everything.
fantasy is not reality, and unconscious isn't something you can control. you can control conscious though, and it seems you're doing it well.