(I will admit, that I posted this a few days ago, but I wanted to modify it a bit to give more details so I can be properly judged for everything.)
20M here. This is gonna be a pretty long rant filled with a lot of sensitive topics. Probably best that you don't read this if you're easily triggered by things.
I also want to start by saying that I suspect I have OCD. I don't have a diagnosis, but according to dozens of people, my obsessive thinking lines up very well with having OCD.
Point is, I've been a disgusting piece of trash my entire life, and I can't cope with it. The realization that I'm the same as the "Disgusting male" stereotypes is destroying me, because that doesn't align with my values.
But maybe I should explain how I came to this conclusion. Buckle in, because this is gonna be long.
Let's start from the earliest moments of messed up stuff. For context, I lived in an incredibly neglectful household. Parents did heroin and cocaine for years under our noses, had their drug addict friends stay with us all the time. I was always encouraged to seek out sex and to do drugs at a young age.
I was a perpetrator of COCSA when I was young. Not gonna give details, obviously, but my brother and my friend at the time were the victims I know for a fact I had. Though there are dozens of false memories tied to this as well that I can't say for sure did or did not occur.
I had largely forgotten this ever happened. I admitted to my father what I had done, and he told me to keep my mouth shut. That he was scared my mom would leave him if she knew what happened. (I recently confided in him about it again, but I had nobody else to talk about it with, and he told me to just forget about it, and how he did worse things when he was younger.)
I've now recently learned that my mom was also a victim of COCSA. She went on a crazed rant about how disgusting her brother was. I almost broke down in my room listening to that.
I assume my brother also forgot, as he acts normal around me to this very day. I hope he doesn't remember. It's not like I can prove if he does or not.
Around the same time, I was taken advantage of by adults online after basically advertising myself as a sexually curious child. I willingly sent images of myself to these adults, and I got hooked on the feeling of validation. I'd do this with pretty much anybody for 3ish years. Adults, people my age, it didn't matter. There were age gaps that I'm not proud of. I've probably hurt dozens of people, since people would start getting feelings for me, and I'd just block them.
I ended up getting involved with my brother's group of drug addicted friends at around 14. Messed up group, that one. Some 17 year old girl was the head of the group. Was always having sex with this 14 year old dude when we would show up, and her mom would supply us with alcohol.
I was trying my hardest to be "cool" because I felt I had to be. I hated that I was some geek that liked video games. I never ended up having sex, thank god, but I did get my first and only kiss from that girl I mentioned before.
I cringe at my behavior from that time. It wasn't very savory. I ended up saying and doing stupid shit, pushing other people's boundaries while also having my boundaries pushed.
I tried to straighten myself out at around the age of 16, tried to bury my past as deep as I could bury it, and try to move on. I kicked my addiction to sexting and nudes, went from borderline dropout to one of the highest achievers in my graduating class.
I ended up developing what I believe is POCD after all of this. I can't be around or interact with any underage people without getting flashbacks and horrible intrusive thoughts.
Burying everything worked for a while, until I went to college. I ended up dropping out and isolating myself in my room, which I'm still doing to this day. I'm unemployed, have a tooth rotting in the back of my head, and I'm soon gonna be removed from my parents health insurance and food stamp plan.
I ended up getting incredibly close with my friend during this time, after dropping out. Shes my best friend in the whole world. I was suicidal, and needed just... Something, a glimpse of light in the tunnel.
But I've been such a pervert towards her. Such a creepy idiot because I don't really know how to be "normal". I've never had a "normal" relationship with a woman. It's always had something to do with sex.
I've made so many creepy comments, talked about sexual things with her... Basically sexual harassment. She tells me that I'm overreacting, that it's really not a big deal, but I can't accept that answer. I feel disgusting.
Especially since I've become convinced that I tried to deliberately touch her inappropriately at one point. I can't prove that I did, but I also can't prove that I didn't. I hate how the memory is so... Fragmented and foggy. Like, I can't remember the exact action occurring, but it still could have happened.
She tells me that I'm such a great person. That I'm unable to see myself the way she does. According to her, I'm honest with my emotions with her, I'm kind and always have made sure she's ok. She even says she'd be willing to date me if I weren't so unstable. If only she knew the details of my past.
She talks all the time about how she wants me to move in with her. How she wants me to get out of my toxic household so I can finally heal. But I don't trust myself. Not anymore. I thought I was being normal around her for so long.
I tried ghosting her a few months ago. I couldn't handle the idea that I've taken advantage of her, on top of the unwanted intrusive thoughts I get.
She eventually rallied up my other friends and did an online wellness check on me. Her, the victim in my perspective of my story, checking in on ME. To make sure I'M ok. Why? I don't understand...
And... That's the end of the story. To everyone who has seen me before, I'm sorry if you have to read something from me again. This a compulsion of mine, to confess constantly, another reason why people believe I have OCD.
For years, I'll admit, I was only worried about the legality of my actions. I CARED about the wellbeing of the people involved, yes, but I selfishly looked to save my own skin. Even now, I'm still being selfish by hiding in my room instead of turning myself in.
I'm on the verge of tears pretty much 24/7. I don't cry very often, normally, but I've cried multiple times in the last few weeks.
My current mental state isn't helping anything at all. My memories and intrusive thoughts feel like they're meshing together and I can't really tell whats real and what's not. I have so many false memories that I simply don't have the strength to talk about.
I want to be a good person. That's it. I want the chance to redeem myself, if I even deserve that chance. I need to get help so badly but not only do I not know how to, I don't have the strength to. I haven't been able to leave my room for anything other than food for weeks.
I'm such a horrible person. I've caused so much pain, whether I've truly meant to or not. I'm a victim, sure, but I've caused much more pain than was ever inflicted on me. I hate how much pain is in the world and how I've contributed to that pain as much as anybody else.
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I've also done really fucked up shit. I can kind of relate with your story friend. Please dont let yourself fall into the pit of pinning yourself as a bad person. All of these things, no matter how "not that bad" I tell you they are, it's hard to believe it yourself. So what I can tell you, is that these are definitely things you can come back from! It doesn't define you forever. And it also sounds like your friend truly loves you. Id recommend trying to get therapy of some sort, I love you
The first step to recovery is knowing you have a problem. Stay strong.
Hey. I don’t know you and I don’t have any good advice but I just wanted to say I’m in a similar boat. I only recently officially got diagnosed with OCD and my obsessions center in a variety of topics but one of the big ones was something I did in my childhood after being exposed to insane shit online, not COCSA and I don’t really wanna go into details but similar in nature. And now that’s one of my biggest obsessions that’s haunted me all my life.
There’s no way to go back and undo what we did, and I’ve spent years wanting to erase mine from my memory. I would recommend therapy to deal with this rumination but I know that’s not easy, I’ve been in it for a while now and I still don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to talk about this specific thing because it disgusts me so much I want to take it to the grave. But every time I have a terrible intrusive thought or an intrusive dream that hurts me, I try to look at it as a moment for me to realize I’ve changed and am strong in my values now.
I also relate to what you said about your friend, my OCD manifests in like so many different ways and one of those ways is being constantly worried I’m being a creep to my friends or partner. But seeking reassurance is a cycle that feeds it, so sometimes you have to just trust in the people around you to tell you if there’s a problem.
I hope this rambling makes sense, I know it’s probably not much help but just know I see you and you’re not the only person battling something of this nature. I believe in you and I believe humans can always improve and change. Try to be kind to that inner child who was hurt. Good luck.
Hey man, I know it's hard to forhive oneself but be humble. Forgive oneself first. We have to keep fighting but before that's it's OK what you have done. We all make mistakes admitting requires power you have that no matter how unsuccessful you have become in the past you can be good person now. Dont worry about what other thinks what others want. Don't worry about your parents too love them share with them but you don't need to do exactly as they said. Involved yourself on things you love slowly we will recover. It takes time.
Sounds a little more like complex PTSD rather than true OCD. Go get yourself some therapy and heal.
Evil is an incredibly mundane thing. We hype it up as an absolute truth, one that speaks of ourselves and the worst things we can do with our free will, all with the assumption that free will in itself exists independently of our world: our bodies, our minds, our environments and our people. The truth is that free will lives in coexistence of these elements. We derive information from the outside world and begin to digest within, drawing nutrients and energy from the body which originates from the food you take in. This information then goes through the network in your head — note the sheer complexity that entails — then leads to the decisions you yourself make.
Food can be bad for you. So can information and, by extension, people. You were surrounded by bad people and thus bad information, therefore leading to such bad decisions resulting in hurt. You’ve had free will and you have made a choice, but it was relative to such influences. Now that you’re breaking free from these influences — mentally, emotionally, physically — you are then opening yourself up to change through the input of new and better information, people, nutrition and emotions derived.
It does not change the harm you have caused. It does not change what people will think of this — a tragic fact is that no matter how much you’ve changed, you will always be ‘redeemed’ as far as people will see. But what matters is you’re changing, and you will continue to change. And if this intense worry is to ever note, you will always work your hardest to never be that way again.
For what it’s worth, I truly believe in you with all my heart. For you have already changed.
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