My partner struggles to connect & show up emotionally. That’s a whole rabbit hole. Something he does very well (and maybe once every other month or so— so it’s special) is give me great gifts— very thoughtful gifts that somehow are still a surprise to me! I make sure to emphasize how much these things mean to me, how much I appreciate them, etc.
Recently, he’s changed his response to my gratitude— instead of mirroring my reaction or responding with, “you’re welcome” “I love you” “I’m happy you like it”, when I tell him what a wonderful gift it is, he just says “I know.” & immediately leaves the interaction. I even told him at one point, “saying ‘I know’ feels kind of cold, is there something else you could say?” and he said “no, I know I’m good at gifts. So. I know.”
I’m struggling to put into words why this makes me feel unhappy. It makes me feel like I’d rather him not get me gifts anymore & I don’t know why. I’d like to try to talk to him about it, but I don’t know how to do that when I can’t even pinpoint what it’s bringing up in me. Or even, I can’t tell if it’s bringing something up for me that’s a me problem that I need to work on myself.
It’s not you. That’s an aggravating response. I could see it if he just NAILED a gift and you were telling him it was perfect and just what you wanted. Like something you’d been searching for that was hard to find etc.
But after one time of that, to continue is just arrogant and makes the gift giving about him instead of you.
Aggravated is a good word for how I feel about it— not furious and not gutted but just like “cmon dude”
Like he’s rejecting my gratitude… to what end, lol?
To congratulate himself?
I wonder if he’s neurodivergent/autistic. He is good at gift-giving and he knows it. To me that’s not arrogance. I’d call it confidence. He’s highly attentive, which is a trait of autism. That compliment doesn’t mean much to him, and that’s okay. NDs are often bad at receiving compliments. Does he know you appreciate the gifts? Most likely. A lot of people give gifts with the expectation that the recipient will maybe a big deal of it. Maybe that’s not what he wants. I think another conversation around how both of you feel about gifting is in order.
Can confirm he is not autistic, but this gives me a good perspective to try!
I mean everything is a 'me' problem because we can only control ourselves. Our thoughts, actions, behaviors etc, we can't control others.
This is probably not about the gifts and his responses to gifts but rather a piece of a larger issue.
You said you feel there are issues with struggling to connect emotionally etc. So this seems to fall under that umbrella. Lots of small things that add up to the statement of struggling to connect.
Aggravation or anger comes from our expectations not being met. So what can we do? Change our expectations.
I know that sounds unfair. But remember the only thing we can control is ourselves. Sure we can change our circumstances as well but do you want to leave the relationship? Probably not.
I understand ideally you would like the circumstances to change. Change on his side. Have him meet your expectations. But not always how it works. We have to accept people as they are. Of course we can encourage them to grow and change. But it's always ultimately on you. Meaning if there's a cold breeze you have to put on a sweater vs demanding the cold stop.
My question would be is your husband truly struggling to connect emotionally or are you simply unable to 'pick up what hes laying down'? Because the gifts are thoughtful. The gifts are for you.
I also agree with the mention of this being a kinda autistic pedantic type of disagreement. Where you each are choosing to attach meaning or interpret literally instead of emotionally.
And that is what your main struggle is here. You say thank you and make it about the item. Reinforcing something he knows is true.
He gives you a scarf. You say omg ty it's perfect you are the best at choosing gifts. He says yes I know. Because he does know.
So how about you try- thank you for thinking of me. A response from him of I know wouldn't happen because logically being told thank you for thinking of me doesn't warrant a I know response back. It warrants a your welcome.
You appreciate his effort. Don't word it about the gift but rather point out the effort.
I would suggest browsing the internet for the topic of praising for effort vs ability. Because he is only picking up on ability. Is this because of what you technically say? Idk. But when you fully understand the concept and the difference between praise for effort vs ability you can change your behavior to set the conversation in a way where you guys are both on the same page filling each other's needs accordingly.