For context, she had just spent the last hour and a half yelling at me bcz I'm "not happy enough anymore." whilst threatening to tell everyone I know abt my self harm habits??
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crazy to hear your parents say this shit when you remember being suicidal from 10 years old and wishing you didnt exist when you were like 4 lol. plus my parents worked constantly, didnt even drive me to school or pick me up or show up ever. i think they just did not notice
My mums very miffed that I used to be such an outgoing persone, always with friends, barly at home, and now I'm just sitting at home, cleaning or hanging out on the couch with my husband... She doesn't understand that I just didn't want to be home. Now I have my own and it's the best place in the world, I have my husband and cats here, all the snacks I like plus vodka. Why would I want to leave? there is no one bullying me, laughing, judging, being a drunk menace and generally bad vibes?
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It’s ok to put some distance between yourself and people who are not helping you heal, even if they’re family. I hope you have access to proper help and real support. 💕💕
This is how my dad was. He couldn’t handle me being depressed. I moved back in with him after Job Corps, and I was feeling a bit down. There wasn’t a certain thing that made me feel that way, it just was what it was. I was riding in his truck with him one day and he said, “Son, I love you and I don’t mind you staying with me, but I don’t know what I’m gonna do if you’re gonna be so surly all the time.” What the fuck do you say to that? This is a man who believed that depression was the result of a demon who had moved over you. How the hell was I going to talk any sense to him? Our relationship was always rocky at best. It never mattered how well we were getting along, because I always felt awkward, ill-at-ease around him. Hopefully someone here knows what I’m talking about: the kind where you never feel like you can talk to them about anything, and if you’re getting along well it’s because you put on a mask and made the sincere effort for things to be pleasant.
I haven’t spoken to him in almost 10 years. And I couldn’t be happier. Also, any time I feel that pull of depression, my wife is always there. Whether I want her to or not, she’s always there. And I mean that in the most grateful way. She never talks to me like my dad did. She treats it like I wish my family would: with sensitivity and compassion. No matter how many times my head bangs against that wall, she’s there to pull me away. Which is why I’ve made the decision to do the same for her whenever she feels any type of way. It’s such a relief to finally be in a relationship where we lift each other up, instead of one getting sick of the other’s “moods” and either reluctantly helps or just dismisses it altogether.
So everyone understands: I realize that not everyone is as fortunate. I got super, super, super lucky. I was suicidal before I met her. And it didn’t cure me. It’s just made my depression manageable.
I completely get this, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad you found someone who can give you that love you might not have had before.
Same. They’ll be like “I don’t understand why you’re so angry and sad all the time.” Cuz I’m fuckin depressed and everyone expects me to show up for them; like I don’t want to walk blindfolded into traffic as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. If I could be anywhere else I would be.
They’re saying it’s probably better not to send texts with spelling like “tht” or “wht” to your grandmother because those kinds of things can confuse the old
No hate just genuine question, why type like that? It doesn't take much longer to type the letter a. Why shorten the words 'what' and 'that' but not others?
My gran never outright said it like that, she’s more of a gaslighter, you’ll know what she means by her tone but she has plausible deniability bc she didn’t technically say those words :/
She always talks about the past and it feels like she wants me to go back to being 11 years old again when I didn’t have problems instead of trying to get to know the me I am now 🥹
She also told me after I opened up about my mental health issues that I haven’t had any “real struggles” because I didn’t get pregnant young and have to work 2 jobs to support her kids bc her husband was a deadbeat. And I was mad at her for so damn long and refused to speak to her, and when I finally made the effort to try and patch things up she didn’t apologise and tried to deny what she said.
I’ve “forgiven” her because I could tell it was affecting my dad by having this feud but I won’t properly forgive her until she apologises (which looks like never).
I really relate to this. I was once stripped to my underwear by my mother so she could shout at me about my self harming. Getting out of an atmosphere like that is very helpful. Your Grandmother likely doesn't know what to do but instead of getting you help, she's resorted to anger like my mother. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that on top of self harm.
The only way I quit was cold turkey. Self harm is an addiction and it makes you behave like an addict. It is pervasive and gets into everything you do. At my worst, it was actively running my life: everything I did revolved around my next opportunity to harm. Nobody talks about it and the shame and stigma around it just make it worse to deal with.
Actual things that helped me were understanding that I was dealing with an addiction, getting rid of everything I used to harm, being in hospital (genuinely really helped although I do know healthcare is next to impossible to access for some), and actually talking about it as something serious (so many mental health professionals don't treat it like an addiction, and assume you can stop any time you want when you actually can't).
If you're ready, throw away all the stuff you use to harm, and know that you are going to go through adrenaline withdrawals. They suck. I felt really anxious and scatty whilst going through them. Immersing yourself in something really interesting helps for a while, but being with people who actually care for you completely, self harm addiction and all, really helps. I hope you have some really good friends who you can tell, and that are happy for you to ring and chat with when you're feeling like harming. Good luck ❤️❤️
I did get rid of all the sharp things I used a few months ago but it didn't rlly help much since I just started scratching my skin off (subconsciously), which turns out meant I had a higher risk of infection than just cutting.
Thx for the advice tho 🙏
No worries. If you need a fresh start, try again. Scratching isn't great but it's at least better than cutting. You might benefit from what my friend uses: one of those rollers with spikes on that hurt, but don't break the skin. ❤️
I was lucky enough that my mum first said this at a family therapy appointment, and that the psychologists were the ones that told her that that happy little girl wasn't going back.
Hate when family lament over a younger, "happier" version of someone. It's like they're grieving.
People grow, and people change. Especially young people. Who they "were" is not gone. The person they were became the person they are. Just as parents and grandparents are no longer the people they were in their own youths.
What didn't change is the person's need for love and support from family and loved ones. Nobody likes to be removed of who they used to be, regardless of intention.
It depends on the family. When my dad learned about my self harm he scolded me. Then he made me wear full sleeves until the scars faded (like 2 years). No therapy. No support. No doctor visit. Not even questions about what led me to that act. Just adding even more emotional overload. Shame. Fear. Guilt. Anger. Hurt.
I didn't stop. I moved it to locations on my body that he wouldn't see. Dangerous parts of my body to hurt. Parts that are more easily infected (like where you get more sweat, less ventilation, more friction, etc) but less visible. Parts that, if a doctor had seen it, they would have probably assumed abuse and not self harm because those are not places people typically hurt themselves but they are places where abusers hurt their targets.
I became really good at tending to infected skin wounds at home because I didn't want my dad to find out, and if the infection got bad I wouldn't be able to hide it. I still am good at dealing with skin infections, even though I haven't done any self harm in almost 7 years now.
It's not bad necessarily. It can even be good for someone in a supportive family. But it could be a huge problem if your family is generally mean and horrible about mental illness. It could make the issue worse if your family reacts badly. Usually if someone is saying they don't want their family to know about stuff like this, they have a very good reason for not being open about it.
I'm genuinely really glad for you that your family is so supportive, you couldn't even think of reasons why someone might not want their family to know.
The sex comparison is apt. Some families treat sex as a normal part of life and take their kids to the doctor for birth control or STI testing. Some parentsmay even buy their kids sex toys and stuff. Other families would rather have a kid die of AIDS while being able to deny that that's what happened than get an HIV diagnosis and get their child the right help for it; and there's a lot of other types of families in between but there are some really weird, really extreme stances in various families about these issues.
My uncle died "presumably by suicide" according to the police report of how his body was found, but there was a very small, highly unlikely chance he might have been murdered. My family declined to open a police investigation or even get a fully detailed post mortem examination because they value being able to say he may not have committed suicide more than being able to know for certain that he wasn't murdered and there isn't some murderer who might be out for his surviving family. If even one of his 3 adult children had pushed back, they would have started investigation, but they all decided that being in denial about his mental illness was more important than making sure he wasn't murdered.
I've forced myself to become the cycle breaker. The black sheep. I intentionally drive wedges into polite family conversations so we don't keep trying to hide such important stuff from each other. It makes the older generation loathe and resent me but the younger generation trusts me and comes to me when they need help navigating the family with sensitive topics. But a lot of people don't have the desire and/or ability to take on this type of responsibility upon themselves for their entire extended family, and that's completely reasonable. I didn't start pushing back until I was 21, and OP is still a teenager and may well follow the same path as me and start being open and honest about things like this and even forcing people to face these truths and confront the issues headfirst. It seems like they're already at least some baby taking steps in that direction, and that's more than I did before age 20.
When I was a teenager, my mom found out that I was cutting.
She made it all about her. She yelled at me and said I was doing it to "spite her". She said "do you know how much I already have on my plate?!" She acted like my self-harming was an attack on her.
I love my mom, and she's gotten better since then, but the thought of opening up to her about my struggles with self-loathing and the subsequent desires to hurt myself makes my skin crawl. Her reaction to my suffering was, frankly, traumatizing.
Um, it's a private medical issue and it's not her grandma's place to be telling everyone about it. I mean, I'm sure grandma wouldn't be too chuffed if OP started telling the family how bad grandma's hemmerhoids have gotten and that she's getting through so much hemmerhoid cream these days and even had to buy one of those donut cushions, and, by the by, she might be having a vaginal prolapse as well, but is still waiting to see what the doctor says.
Talking about other people's private issues is rude as fuck, invasive, and disrespectful.
I think it is highly dependent on context. Suppose OP is underage, I don't think it would be that bad to let their guardians know about this issue. Additionally, if telling people about it has a high likelihood of helping prevent their death, I think being disrespectful and invasive may be worth it.
Yh this is reasonable but thts not the context of my situation since I'm not a minor, and even in my childhood, she was my legal guardian. She's just threatening to tell ppl for the scare factor
If OP is an adult, no one needs to know about theit self harm, except med staff. If they're a minor, only thrir parents or tutors. I really hope grandma is not the tutor.
Self-harm is a concerning behaviour that could escalate and lead to a person's death. If you know someone is engaging in behaviour that could lead to their death (not even that tbh, any kind of harm at all), you will feel responsible if you do nothing and the worst happens.
A sex life is a healthy and normal thing to have, presuming it is a healthy and normal sex life. Of course that doesn't need reporting to anybody.
So, both are healthy as long as you don't go into details?
Saying "If OP is an adult, no one needs to know about theit self harm, except med staff" is just as bad as saying you should keep depression to yourself.
I think they more meant they're both a deeply personal choice that someone else shouldn't be gossiping about. I'm pretty open with my close siblings about both topics but if they discussed things I told them in confidence with other family members I'm not so close with, it'd make me deeply uncomfortable. Definitely a personal boundary you should be the one setting with each person. It might not be safe for certain people in your life to know about either topic.
It's not "gossip" to not want your grandchild to harm themselves any more. That's a very valid thing to be concerned about
By the way if you want to talk about gossip OP has posted a private conversation with their grandmother, whose only crime is being concerned about them, onto the internet for strangers online to gossip about.
How does telling people about their self harm help in any way though? People knowing you self harm doesn't stop you doing it and being treated differently, whether out of sympathy or judgement, can make it worse. The only way to help is to be understanding and encourage or assist in accessing healthcare. Not by taking our agency away in deciding who we confide in for us. And before you say anything about people knowing will be able to hide knives that's literally never stopped anyone and often just adds shame to the situation.
How does not telling anybody help in any way? Are you seriously suggesting that just ignoring it and letting people get on with it is better? That if you ignore the problem long enough it will go away? How is someone who does this supposed to feel if the worst happens and the person they ignored ends up killing themselves?
Of course you don't ignore it. Be understanding and get them to see a doctor, like I said, but don't pressure them. You can take action that isn't telling others about the behaviour and causing shame or opening them up to abusive behaviours. Go look up official advice for self harm support - it will say pretty much the same thing. You can be there but you can't make them stop.
How are you supposed to feel? Sad, but not guilty. Unless you incited it through bullying or abuse, someone else's suicide is not your fault.
I'm sorry but self-harm is not rational, it isn't a healthy coping mechanism, and someone who is doing it habitually can't necessarily be trusted to make the best decisions for themselves. Just asking them if they want to go to a doctor and accepting it if they say no is not doing enough for them. It's turning a blind eye.
Telling someone who feels that they didn't do enough that they shouldn't feel guilty is useless, just as useless as someone who is self-harming being told to stop
Thank you. I try to keep an open mind, but some of the replies I've gotten in this thread are making me think I'm insane. There is no healthy amount of self-harm, right?
is just as bad as saying you should keep depression to yourself.
Not rlly tho? I am in therapy, and have proper support for my issues, I simply don't want everybody around me to know as I don't want to be treated differently (as has happened after telling ppl before)
I was actually writing a response to the first response to my comment, where I considered this may be the case (specifically, that you are already in therapy and such), and I was justifying your wanting your family not to know.
That's iffy to me. Addiction isn't a choice either... but if a family member tells me they are addicted to heroin, I might talk to the rest of the family about it... I get what you're saying, I'm just still not convinced that's the right way to handle it.
Edit: I totally misread your reply. 😆 But even if someone CHOOSES to share their addiction with me, if I think it's bad enough, I might bring more family into the discussion.
It doesn't matter. Neither of those are things that your grandmother should be telling the entire family about at Thanksgiving. Should OP just start telling the whole family about grandma's hemmerhoids and leaky bladder and how she's getting through so many more incontinence pads these days? No. Because it's nobody else's business.
I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with that. If a loved ones comes and tells me about self HARM, there's a good chance that it's a cry for help... And i want to get them help. This isn't like someone having a bladder problem.
Yeah, but again, there's a difference between privately discussing it with 1 or 2 family members who are close to the person and just blabbing it all over a family gathering.
No, but we're speaking about hypothetical situations, and in OP's situation, grandma isn't saying she's going to talk to OP's aunt or cousin about it; she's threatening to tell everyone.
She’s not communicating it well right now, but your grandmother is just concerned about you. She wants to tell people about your self harm so that people are aware of how you feel. She wants more people to show you the concern she is feeling for you because she hopes it will make you feel how much those people love and care about you. She wants to engage the community around you because she doesn’t want you to be hurting alone. She doesn’t want to embarrass or shame you. She is hopelessly trying to help. She just doesn’t know how to and probably doesn’t understand what something like that (exposing your self harm) would feel like from your perspective.
Also, from what she is saying, I’d guess you were probably very good at masking your emotion for a very long time and your grandmother doesn’t understand when or how you became so hurt. She is blindsided and probably feels guilty for not noticing sooner. She knows you can’t just smile and be okay, but she wishes you could. She is saying “you’re supposed to smile” because she is trying to express that she loves you; and if you were receiving and feeling her love you would probably smile back and reassure her of that. The fact that you aren’t smiling back is upsetting for her because now she has to rethinking every time she’s done something to show you that she loves you and wonder when did you stop receiving her love. I’m not saying you don’t know your grandmother loves you, but she probably can’t connect that you would harm yourself if you knew how much she cherished you. I’m sorry you’re having this miscommunication with each other. I know she’s not saying the right things, but I hope you start seeing eye to eye soon.
She is trying to help in the only way she knows how and while it may not be the help you need she truly cares about you. As for the self harm, she knows about it and no one else does? Do you have any idea what that does to our loved ones that don’t know how to help us or make us happier?
I get where you’re coming from being frustrated but this isn’t it.
Tell grandma you need therapy and I bet she will help.
This isn’t an attack, this is coming from someone who put their grandparents who raised them through this kind of heartache when they only loved me and wanted to help and I wish I hadn’t.
It's impossible for us to know all the little details and the history of all this... But from what I'm reading here, I agree with you. This is a grandmother who doesn't know what to do, but knows that she can't just do nothing.
OP says that they were just yelling at them about it. I think you’re projecting a bit. In my experience family like this don’t want to actually help you, they just want it to go away cause it makes them uncomfortable. They make it feel your mental health problems are an attack on them.
OP did say they were being yelled at about it but that isn’t really the exchange we’re seeing here.
Maybe they were but I also remember feeling attacked or yelled at when being questioned about my mental health. It always felt like a personal attack that made me melt down but now 20+ years down the line I see it differently and realize that wasn’t necessarily the case.
I see it from both perspectives cause I was OP and lived a lot of these experiences but also have the retrospect and viewing things from years out to realize that the way it felt to my young self wasn’t necessarily how it was.
Regardless if OP is self harming they need to reach out to someone for help and with the limited info we have there seems to be someone in the same house as her that has expressed a desire to help and OP should take grandma up on that if only for the chance that grandma is sincere in wanting to help her.
The alternative is to continue being depressed and harming herself and that doesn’t really sound like a better option than at least trying to reach out for help.
Maybe I’m projecting my own grandparents onto her but to me it read like a grandma that just wishes her granddaughter can be happy again and doesn’t know how to do that. She didn’t come across mean or judgy at all, just concerned.
Either way it is worth OP letting grandma know how she can help instead of just telling her she doesn’t know how to help. That’s true, she doesn’t know how to help and won’t unless OP opens up and tells her and even if there’s only a chance it will work it is worth it to confide in a family member if they reach out to us so she can get the help she needs with her depression and self harm.
I have had a few conversations with her abt this topic, but it's always just her trying to "fix" me in the quickest way possible. not bcz she cares, but bcz she feels like it's something to be ashamed of and therefore it's "damaging" to her reputation if she can't solve it.
Honestly, most of what I can think of to help is already in place (therapy, support, ect.) but what she proposes is almost always either things I've already started doing, or just flat out threatening me if I don't stop
I hope the therapy helps, remember to always be honest even when it hurts. Wishing you the best and hoping grandma is just acting that way out of misplaced concern. Sometimes our parents don’t know how to deal with the hurt we cause them and they will lash out like this. It doesn’t mean they don’t love us anymore.
Idk what happened before this but it looks like she is really really trying, and you are being bratty.
"I love you but don't know how to help you" is an honest loving and one of the best things they can say. And you kinda slapped her face over it instead of saying "you can just be there for me" or whatever you actually need.
Yes, in an ideal situation OP would guide her grandma into giving the support she needs.
But we're giving the grandma grace and room for error and should do the same for OP.
When you're hurting it can be frustrating that family doesn't know how to help and you have to manage their feelings. Don't insult her as bratty for that.
Why is your knee jerk reaction to call OP “bratty” and assume the best in the grandma?
Why can’t you extend that grace to OP as well? Both things can be true, maybe this is grandma trying her best but that doesn’t mean her best isn’t still hurtful.
Honestly, I do agree with ur comment, but I've already explained to her what she can do to help, and a lot of the "conversations" I have with her now are just her (purposefully) making me feel like shit for having issues so I was a bit short with her bcz I know she doesn't even try to listen anymore
In the body text of the post OP said grandma was yelling at her before this for not being happy enough. Also, it isn't bratty to say that what she's doing now is making her feel worse, even without that context.
But we sucked it up, ignored it, shoved it way down inside, and just went on with life, not because it was healthy (so unhealthy) but because we had no choice.
So yeah, they've seen struggle like you ain't got no clue about, but that don't mean they know how to help someone talk through it process it or dwell on it.
Different generation, and just like "they don't understand what it's like to be young today" you ain't got a clue what it was like for them so don't be ageist.
Well, if you spend your whole life not developing the skills that you should develop as a teenager, dont act surprised when other people call out your ignorance.
Im tired of being patient with my elders. Not only they didnt guide me properly, they actively made my life worse. But the grandma in the post is another level entirely. Its like she didnt learn shit in decades.
That was NOT the skills they had to learn as a teenager.
Many had to learn to not starve and work real backbreaking work from the time they could walk.
They went through the real Depression, actual War that makes today's look like schoolyard brawls, get out there and raise there own food not for fun but to but not to die. You ain't got a clue. It's no wonder they, as you say, "are tired of being patient" with people who crawl into bed for years because their feelings got hurt.
you realize abusers say stuff like that all the time, right? OP said that she was just yelling at them before this. also, just because someone loves you doesn't necessarily mean that they want to help. in the case of sh, a lot of people only want us to stop because it personally makes them uncomfortable. we hear things like 'stop hurting yourself for me'
Well, if I found out one of my siblings had a problem with self-harm I know for sure I'd be trying to talk to them about it, and would also tell my father about it in hopes that he could try to help them. What are your loved ones supposed to do? Find out you want to hurt yourself and then just be like "Okay, great! Have fun!"?
The difference is tht she isn't trying to help, she's trying to scare me. Also, I already have professional help and I am getting better so it's not like nothing's happening abt it.
Yes, according to this sub you're meant to back off and allow your loved ones to ruin their own lives in peace and wallow in misery and if you dare say anything about it you're actually a very selfish and unhelpful person
That basically seems to be the trend here. Anything that could actually help a person is deemed bad because they actually want to be the special snowflake and get all the pity without ever having to work on themselves.
Have you ever stopped to think that you suffering/ struggling also hurts those who love you?
That's not to say you are to blame at all but as someone who suffers from recurrent major depression its critical to remember your suffering is also their suffering. Be thankful you have people who care about your recovery even if they are ham fisted with their approach.
“be thankful” helps nobody going through a hard time. Clearly you’ve been dismissed as well but instead of trying to break that cycle, you joined it. Why is it that your first instinct is to assume OP is “ungrateful” or that there isn’t a history that we aren’t privy to here?
People who’re dealing with depression don’t need to be told that they’re making everyone else suffer too, how would that ever be helpful? All they said was “idk how to respond” and that is fair!
And yet it does. CBT literally teaches you to practise positive thinking as part of the recovery process. Developing and reinforcing the ability to empathise is a massive step forward in breaking the heartbreaking cycle of negative inward thinking. It absolutely is important to remember that your struggle is also theirs - it's the difference between having people in your life and pushing everyone away and having no one (happened to me). I will always warn people about that because the latter will make recovery so much harder.
I haven't been dismissed neither have I joined some kind of obscure cycle: I've recognised that self improvement it just that - improvement of the self. You cannot improve others but you 100% CAN change your outlook on it all. Failure to reinforce this to people is why I spent decades self medicating with alcohol and making absolutely no progress at breaking the cycle of depression.
It's not tough love or a failure to understand mental health. It's realising that the above is absolutely necessary to true recovery.
You people on this sub are insufferable lol it's always examples of people trying to help and actually being very sweet, but because they're not perfect they're piece of shit?
That is literally nothing like what was happening. She was yelling bcz she's ashamed tht her granddaughter is self harming, and she thinks that threatening to tell ppl around me is going to make me stop. She doesn't care abt me, she cares abt her reputation.
Just to be 100% clear, if I knew someone close to me WA self harming, especially a young kid, I would also absolutely tell their family and maybe a professional too. That's a normal thing for people to do with people they're worried about
Okay, three things: I have professional help, my mom and most of my family (that I trust) know, and I'm a grown woman, so none of that rlly applies to my situation
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My mom said the same "you were such a happy child" thing. So irritating
“And I’d love to be happy again, but I have depression and scolding and lamenting my situation makes it worse. I need professional help”
crazy to hear your parents say this shit when you remember being suicidal from 10 years old and wishing you didnt exist when you were like 4 lol. plus my parents worked constantly, didnt even drive me to school or pick me up or show up ever. i think they just did not notice
happy cake day!
Edit: Hope this reaches you well despite the irony
My mums very miffed that I used to be such an outgoing persone, always with friends, barly at home, and now I'm just sitting at home, cleaning or hanging out on the couch with my husband... She doesn't understand that I just didn't want to be home. Now I have my own and it's the best place in the world, I have my husband and cats here, all the snacks I like plus vodka. Why would I want to leave? there is no one bullying me, laughing, judging, being a drunk menace and generally bad vibes?
She genuinely just told you "it's inconvenient to me that you're sad"
"Loved you"
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It’s ok to put some distance between yourself and people who are not helping you heal, even if they’re family. I hope you have access to proper help and real support. 💕💕
Honestly, I'd love to but I live with her atm and I'm not in a state where I can move out yet 🫠
Ugh, that sucks. You can distance yourself emotionally, though. And I’m glad you recognize that she’s wrong about your mental health. 💕
As someone who also is dealing with that I believe in you
Definitely try to start grey rocking her it helps quite abit to just not to be interesting in that sense and focus on getting out ❤️
This is how my dad was. He couldn’t handle me being depressed. I moved back in with him after Job Corps, and I was feeling a bit down. There wasn’t a certain thing that made me feel that way, it just was what it was. I was riding in his truck with him one day and he said, “Son, I love you and I don’t mind you staying with me, but I don’t know what I’m gonna do if you’re gonna be so surly all the time.” What the fuck do you say to that? This is a man who believed that depression was the result of a demon who had moved over you. How the hell was I going to talk any sense to him? Our relationship was always rocky at best. It never mattered how well we were getting along, because I always felt awkward, ill-at-ease around him. Hopefully someone here knows what I’m talking about: the kind where you never feel like you can talk to them about anything, and if you’re getting along well it’s because you put on a mask and made the sincere effort for things to be pleasant.
I haven’t spoken to him in almost 10 years. And I couldn’t be happier. Also, any time I feel that pull of depression, my wife is always there. Whether I want her to or not, she’s always there. And I mean that in the most grateful way. She never talks to me like my dad did. She treats it like I wish my family would: with sensitivity and compassion. No matter how many times my head bangs against that wall, she’s there to pull me away. Which is why I’ve made the decision to do the same for her whenever she feels any type of way. It’s such a relief to finally be in a relationship where we lift each other up, instead of one getting sick of the other’s “moods” and either reluctantly helps or just dismisses it altogether.
So everyone understands: I realize that not everyone is as fortunate. I got super, super, super lucky. I was suicidal before I met her. And it didn’t cure me. It’s just made my depression manageable.
I completely get this, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad you found someone who can give you that love you might not have had before.
Oh no not the “just be positive!”
Same. They’ll be like “I don’t understand why you’re so angry and sad all the time.” Cuz I’m fuckin depressed and everyone expects me to show up for them; like I don’t want to walk blindfolded into traffic as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. If I could be anywhere else I would be.
sheet roof lavish merciful bells dazzling file husky childlike scary
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
I was talking to her in person before this, she texted me after I had left
They’re saying it’s probably better not to send texts with spelling like “tht” or “wht” to your grandmother because those kinds of things can confuse the old
Ohhhh I completely misunderstood tht lol 😆 But she does understand wht I'm saying, she even uses such words sometimes
No hate just genuine question, why type like that? It doesn't take much longer to type the letter a. Why shorten the words 'what' and 'that' but not others?
I don’t think this is what OP needs right now.
?
Honestly, it's just habit at this point I don't think much abt it
Does.... Does she want you to say sorry..?
My gran never outright said it like that, she’s more of a gaslighter, you’ll know what she means by her tone but she has plausible deniability bc she didn’t technically say those words :/
She always talks about the past and it feels like she wants me to go back to being 11 years old again when I didn’t have problems instead of trying to get to know the me I am now 🥹
She also told me after I opened up about my mental health issues that I haven’t had any “real struggles” because I didn’t get pregnant young and have to work 2 jobs to support her kids bc her husband was a deadbeat. And I was mad at her for so damn long and refused to speak to her, and when I finally made the effort to try and patch things up she didn’t apologise and tried to deny what she said.
I’ve “forgiven” her because I could tell it was affecting my dad by having this feud but I won’t properly forgive her until she apologises (which looks like never).
Ughhh. That's tough
I really relate to this. I was once stripped to my underwear by my mother so she could shout at me about my self harming. Getting out of an atmosphere like that is very helpful. Your Grandmother likely doesn't know what to do but instead of getting you help, she's resorted to anger like my mother. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that on top of self harm.
The only way I quit was cold turkey. Self harm is an addiction and it makes you behave like an addict. It is pervasive and gets into everything you do. At my worst, it was actively running my life: everything I did revolved around my next opportunity to harm. Nobody talks about it and the shame and stigma around it just make it worse to deal with.
Actual things that helped me were understanding that I was dealing with an addiction, getting rid of everything I used to harm, being in hospital (genuinely really helped although I do know healthcare is next to impossible to access for some), and actually talking about it as something serious (so many mental health professionals don't treat it like an addiction, and assume you can stop any time you want when you actually can't).
If you're ready, throw away all the stuff you use to harm, and know that you are going to go through adrenaline withdrawals. They suck. I felt really anxious and scatty whilst going through them. Immersing yourself in something really interesting helps for a while, but being with people who actually care for you completely, self harm addiction and all, really helps. I hope you have some really good friends who you can tell, and that are happy for you to ring and chat with when you're feeling like harming. Good luck ❤️❤️
I did get rid of all the sharp things I used a few months ago but it didn't rlly help much since I just started scratching my skin off (subconsciously), which turns out meant I had a higher risk of infection than just cutting. Thx for the advice tho 🙏
No worries. If you need a fresh start, try again. Scratching isn't great but it's at least better than cutting. You might benefit from what my friend uses: one of those rollers with spikes on that hurt, but don't break the skin. ❤️
OP just said there’s more risk of infection with scratching tho?
Only if you break the skin. The roller my friend has doesn't break the skin so no chance of infection.
Empathy is a lost art.
What is that background doing in your grandma's chat😭
It's my default 😂
Lmao certified transbian behavior
I was lucky enough that my mum first said this at a family therapy appointment, and that the psychologists were the ones that told her that that happy little girl wasn't going back.
Hate when family lament over a younger, "happier" version of someone. It's like they're grieving.
People grow, and people change. Especially young people. Who they "were" is not gone. The person they were became the person they are. Just as parents and grandparents are no longer the people they were in their own youths.
What didn't change is the person's need for love and support from family and loved ones. Nobody likes to be removed of who they used to be, regardless of intention.
https://preview.redd.it/bqgaf414u24g1.png?width=1079&format=png&auto=webp&s=6be0c85e5c13ec0374f40dfe4960ff2cd62d17bc
This meme can be used under and every post on this subreddit and itd never stop working
Trying to read tht gives me an aneurysm
Lol sorry about that 😂
Grandma sending the runny nose emoji is just making it even worse.
Wait, what's so bad about telling your family about self harm?
It depends on the family. When my dad learned about my self harm he scolded me. Then he made me wear full sleeves until the scars faded (like 2 years). No therapy. No support. No doctor visit. Not even questions about what led me to that act. Just adding even more emotional overload. Shame. Fear. Guilt. Anger. Hurt.
I didn't stop. I moved it to locations on my body that he wouldn't see. Dangerous parts of my body to hurt. Parts that are more easily infected (like where you get more sweat, less ventilation, more friction, etc) but less visible. Parts that, if a doctor had seen it, they would have probably assumed abuse and not self harm because those are not places people typically hurt themselves but they are places where abusers hurt their targets.
I became really good at tending to infected skin wounds at home because I didn't want my dad to find out, and if the infection got bad I wouldn't be able to hide it. I still am good at dealing with skin infections, even though I haven't done any self harm in almost 7 years now.
It's not bad necessarily. It can even be good for someone in a supportive family. But it could be a huge problem if your family is generally mean and horrible about mental illness. It could make the issue worse if your family reacts badly. Usually if someone is saying they don't want their family to know about stuff like this, they have a very good reason for not being open about it.
I'm genuinely really glad for you that your family is so supportive, you couldn't even think of reasons why someone might not want their family to know.
The sex comparison is apt. Some families treat sex as a normal part of life and take their kids to the doctor for birth control or STI testing. Some parentsmay even buy their kids sex toys and stuff. Other families would rather have a kid die of AIDS while being able to deny that that's what happened than get an HIV diagnosis and get their child the right help for it; and there's a lot of other types of families in between but there are some really weird, really extreme stances in various families about these issues.
My uncle died "presumably by suicide" according to the police report of how his body was found, but there was a very small, highly unlikely chance he might have been murdered. My family declined to open a police investigation or even get a fully detailed post mortem examination because they value being able to say he may not have committed suicide more than being able to know for certain that he wasn't murdered and there isn't some murderer who might be out for his surviving family. If even one of his 3 adult children had pushed back, they would have started investigation, but they all decided that being in denial about his mental illness was more important than making sure he wasn't murdered.
I've forced myself to become the cycle breaker. The black sheep. I intentionally drive wedges into polite family conversations so we don't keep trying to hide such important stuff from each other. It makes the older generation loathe and resent me but the younger generation trusts me and comes to me when they need help navigating the family with sensitive topics. But a lot of people don't have the desire and/or ability to take on this type of responsibility upon themselves for their entire extended family, and that's completely reasonable. I didn't start pushing back until I was 21, and OP is still a teenager and may well follow the same path as me and start being open and honest about things like this and even forcing people to face these truths and confront the issues headfirst. It seems like they're already at least some baby taking steps in that direction, and that's more than I did before age 20.
When I was a teenager, my mom found out that I was cutting.
She made it all about her. She yelled at me and said I was doing it to "spite her". She said "do you know how much I already have on my plate?!" She acted like my self-harming was an attack on her.
I love my mom, and she's gotten better since then, but the thought of opening up to her about my struggles with self-loathing and the subsequent desires to hurt myself makes my skin crawl. Her reaction to my suffering was, frankly, traumatizing.
Um, it's a private medical issue and it's not her grandma's place to be telling everyone about it. I mean, I'm sure grandma wouldn't be too chuffed if OP started telling the family how bad grandma's hemmerhoids have gotten and that she's getting through so much hemmerhoid cream these days and even had to buy one of those donut cushions, and, by the by, she might be having a vaginal prolapse as well, but is still waiting to see what the doctor says.
Talking about other people's private issues is rude as fuck, invasive, and disrespectful.
I think it is highly dependent on context. Suppose OP is underage, I don't think it would be that bad to let their guardians know about this issue. Additionally, if telling people about it has a high likelihood of helping prevent their death, I think being disrespectful and invasive may be worth it.
There's a difference between telling a relevant guardian and just blabbing to the entire family.
Yh this is reasonable but thts not the context of my situation since I'm not a minor, and even in my childhood, she was my legal guardian. She's just threatening to tell ppl for the scare factor
Yeah, then that's obviously bad.
It's as bad as telling the damily about sex life.
If OP is an adult, no one needs to know about theit self harm, except med staff. If they're a minor, only thrir parents or tutors. I really hope grandma is not the tutor.
No, it isn't.
Self-harm is a concerning behaviour that could escalate and lead to a person's death. If you know someone is engaging in behaviour that could lead to their death (not even that tbh, any kind of harm at all), you will feel responsible if you do nothing and the worst happens.
A sex life is a healthy and normal thing to have, presuming it is a healthy and normal sex life. Of course that doesn't need reporting to anybody.
So, both are healthy as long as you don't go into details?
Saying "If OP is an adult, no one needs to know about theit self harm, except med staff" is just as bad as saying you should keep depression to yourself.
I think they more meant they're both a deeply personal choice that someone else shouldn't be gossiping about. I'm pretty open with my close siblings about both topics but if they discussed things I told them in confidence with other family members I'm not so close with, it'd make me deeply uncomfortable. Definitely a personal boundary you should be the one setting with each person. It might not be safe for certain people in your life to know about either topic.
It's not "gossip" to not want your grandchild to harm themselves any more. That's a very valid thing to be concerned about
By the way if you want to talk about gossip OP has posted a private conversation with their grandmother, whose only crime is being concerned about them, onto the internet for strangers online to gossip about.
How does telling people about their self harm help in any way though? People knowing you self harm doesn't stop you doing it and being treated differently, whether out of sympathy or judgement, can make it worse. The only way to help is to be understanding and encourage or assist in accessing healthcare. Not by taking our agency away in deciding who we confide in for us. And before you say anything about people knowing will be able to hide knives that's literally never stopped anyone and often just adds shame to the situation.
How does not telling anybody help in any way? Are you seriously suggesting that just ignoring it and letting people get on with it is better? That if you ignore the problem long enough it will go away? How is someone who does this supposed to feel if the worst happens and the person they ignored ends up killing themselves?
Of course you don't ignore it. Be understanding and get them to see a doctor, like I said, but don't pressure them. You can take action that isn't telling others about the behaviour and causing shame or opening them up to abusive behaviours. Go look up official advice for self harm support - it will say pretty much the same thing. You can be there but you can't make them stop.
How are you supposed to feel? Sad, but not guilty. Unless you incited it through bullying or abuse, someone else's suicide is not your fault.
I'm sorry but self-harm is not rational, it isn't a healthy coping mechanism, and someone who is doing it habitually can't necessarily be trusted to make the best decisions for themselves. Just asking them if they want to go to a doctor and accepting it if they say no is not doing enough for them. It's turning a blind eye.
Telling someone who feels that they didn't do enough that they shouldn't feel guilty is useless, just as useless as someone who is self-harming being told to stop
Thank you. I try to keep an open mind, but some of the replies I've gotten in this thread are making me think I'm insane. There is no healthy amount of self-harm, right?
Not rlly tho? I am in therapy, and have proper support for my issues, I simply don't want everybody around me to know as I don't want to be treated differently (as has happened after telling ppl before)
I was actually writing a response to the first response to my comment, where I considered this may be the case (specifically, that you are already in therapy and such), and I was justifying your wanting your family not to know.
Is this really appropriate? Having a healthy sex life is normal and good. There is no normal or good amount of self harm...
Well, sex life and self harm is something you CHOSE to share or not. Someone else can't spit the tea about those subjects.
That's iffy to me. Addiction isn't a choice either... but if a family member tells me they are addicted to heroin, I might talk to the rest of the family about it... I get what you're saying, I'm just still not convinced that's the right way to handle it.
Edit: I totally misread your reply. 😆 But even if someone CHOOSES to share their addiction with me, if I think it's bad enough, I might bring more family into the discussion.
Yeah, but do you want your grandma telling your entire family about your sex life at Thanksgiving? C'mon, be for real.
That's sex life... I'm saying that's not the same as self harm.. That's kinda my whole point. One can be healthy. The other is never healthy.
It doesn't matter. Neither of those are things that your grandmother should be telling the entire family about at Thanksgiving. Should OP just start telling the whole family about grandma's hemmerhoids and leaky bladder and how she's getting through so many more incontinence pads these days? No. Because it's nobody else's business.
I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with that. If a loved ones comes and tells me about self HARM, there's a good chance that it's a cry for help... And i want to get them help. This isn't like someone having a bladder problem.
Yeah, but again, there's a difference between privately discussing it with 1 or 2 family members who are close to the person and just blabbing it all over a family gathering.
Well, she didn't do that. No blabbing occurred.
"Threatening to tell everyone I know."
No, but we're speaking about hypothetical situations, and in OP's situation, grandma isn't saying she's going to talk to OP's aunt or cousin about it; she's threatening to tell everyone.
Not the “just smile” song and dance 😒
Nice background btw
She’s not communicating it well right now, but your grandmother is just concerned about you. She wants to tell people about your self harm so that people are aware of how you feel. She wants more people to show you the concern she is feeling for you because she hopes it will make you feel how much those people love and care about you. She wants to engage the community around you because she doesn’t want you to be hurting alone. She doesn’t want to embarrass or shame you. She is hopelessly trying to help. She just doesn’t know how to and probably doesn’t understand what something like that (exposing your self harm) would feel like from your perspective.
Also, from what she is saying, I’d guess you were probably very good at masking your emotion for a very long time and your grandmother doesn’t understand when or how you became so hurt. She is blindsided and probably feels guilty for not noticing sooner. She knows you can’t just smile and be okay, but she wishes you could. She is saying “you’re supposed to smile” because she is trying to express that she loves you; and if you were receiving and feeling her love you would probably smile back and reassure her of that. The fact that you aren’t smiling back is upsetting for her because now she has to rethinking every time she’s done something to show you that she loves you and wonder when did you stop receiving her love. I’m not saying you don’t know your grandmother loves you, but she probably can’t connect that you would harm yourself if you knew how much she cherished you. I’m sorry you’re having this miscommunication with each other. I know she’s not saying the right things, but I hope you start seeing eye to eye soon.
She is trying to help in the only way she knows how and while it may not be the help you need she truly cares about you. As for the self harm, she knows about it and no one else does? Do you have any idea what that does to our loved ones that don’t know how to help us or make us happier?
I get where you’re coming from being frustrated but this isn’t it.
Tell grandma you need therapy and I bet she will help.
This isn’t an attack, this is coming from someone who put their grandparents who raised them through this kind of heartache when they only loved me and wanted to help and I wish I hadn’t.
It's impossible for us to know all the little details and the history of all this... But from what I'm reading here, I agree with you. This is a grandmother who doesn't know what to do, but knows that she can't just do nothing.
OP says that they were just yelling at them about it. I think you’re projecting a bit. In my experience family like this don’t want to actually help you, they just want it to go away cause it makes them uncomfortable. They make it feel your mental health problems are an attack on them.
OP did say they were being yelled at about it but that isn’t really the exchange we’re seeing here.
Maybe they were but I also remember feeling attacked or yelled at when being questioned about my mental health. It always felt like a personal attack that made me melt down but now 20+ years down the line I see it differently and realize that wasn’t necessarily the case.
I see it from both perspectives cause I was OP and lived a lot of these experiences but also have the retrospect and viewing things from years out to realize that the way it felt to my young self wasn’t necessarily how it was.
Regardless if OP is self harming they need to reach out to someone for help and with the limited info we have there seems to be someone in the same house as her that has expressed a desire to help and OP should take grandma up on that if only for the chance that grandma is sincere in wanting to help her.
The alternative is to continue being depressed and harming herself and that doesn’t really sound like a better option than at least trying to reach out for help.
Eh, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she cares. It sounds more like granddaughter is ruining her vibe.
Maybe I’m projecting my own grandparents onto her but to me it read like a grandma that just wishes her granddaughter can be happy again and doesn’t know how to do that. She didn’t come across mean or judgy at all, just concerned.
Either way it is worth OP letting grandma know how she can help instead of just telling her she doesn’t know how to help. That’s true, she doesn’t know how to help and won’t unless OP opens up and tells her and even if there’s only a chance it will work it is worth it to confide in a family member if they reach out to us so she can get the help she needs with her depression and self harm.
I have had a few conversations with her abt this topic, but it's always just her trying to "fix" me in the quickest way possible. not bcz she cares, but bcz she feels like it's something to be ashamed of and therefore it's "damaging" to her reputation if she can't solve it.
I’m really sorry to hear that and I understand that parents and even grandparents can be that way.
What “fixes” does she propose? What kind of help do you think would be best for you?
Honestly, most of what I can think of to help is already in place (therapy, support, ect.) but what she proposes is almost always either things I've already started doing, or just flat out threatening me if I don't stop
Also, the previous conversation I had with her was just the threatening part
I hope the therapy helps, remember to always be honest even when it hurts. Wishing you the best and hoping grandma is just acting that way out of misplaced concern. Sometimes our parents don’t know how to deal with the hurt we cause them and they will lash out like this. It doesn’t mean they don’t love us anymore.
why dnt u knw hw to use vwls prprly
Lol thts just how I'm used to typing 🤣
My grandma is just like this. It helps to remember what she's telling me this because she love me. Even if it sounds horrible
But will Twonk lose weight?
I see it,
Thanks for not seeing me as I am now
Idk what happened before this but it looks like she is really really trying, and you are being bratty.
"I love you but don't know how to help you" is an honest loving and one of the best things they can say. And you kinda slapped her face over it instead of saying "you can just be there for me" or whatever you actually need.
Yes, in an ideal situation OP would guide her grandma into giving the support she needs.
But we're giving the grandma grace and room for error and should do the same for OP.
When you're hurting it can be frustrating that family doesn't know how to help and you have to manage their feelings. Don't insult her as bratty for that.
Why is your knee jerk reaction to call OP “bratty” and assume the best in the grandma? Why can’t you extend that grace to OP as well? Both things can be true, maybe this is grandma trying her best but that doesn’t mean her best isn’t still hurtful.
You are absolutely correct.
So, tell her instead what you need or what will help.
And, I said "it looks like" specifically because of the missing context.
I do see that OP did add some context in a comment, though.
Regardless what I'm mainly seeing is a grandparent who loves her, desperately trying, and being made to feel like crap for it
Honestly, I do agree with ur comment, but I've already explained to her what she can do to help, and a lot of the "conversations" I have with her now are just her (purposefully) making me feel like shit for having issues so I was a bit short with her bcz I know she doesn't even try to listen anymore
In the body text of the post OP said grandma was yelling at her before this for not being happy enough. Also, it isn't bratty to say that what she's doing now is making her feel worse, even without that context.
Being that old and that clueless is pathetic. Its like she hasn't seen a struggling person in her whole life.
No, old people have.
But we sucked it up, ignored it, shoved it way down inside, and just went on with life, not because it was healthy (so unhealthy) but because we had no choice. So yeah, they've seen struggle like you ain't got no clue about, but that don't mean they know how to help someone talk through it process it or dwell on it. Different generation, and just like "they don't understand what it's like to be young today" you ain't got a clue what it was like for them so don't be ageist.
Well, if you spend your whole life not developing the skills that you should develop as a teenager, dont act surprised when other people call out your ignorance.
Im tired of being patient with my elders. Not only they didnt guide me properly, they actively made my life worse. But the grandma in the post is another level entirely. Its like she didnt learn shit in decades.
That was NOT the skills they had to learn as a teenager. Many had to learn to not starve and work real backbreaking work from the time they could walk. They went through the real Depression, actual War that makes today's look like schoolyard brawls, get out there and raise there own food not for fun but to but not to die. You ain't got a clue. It's no wonder they, as you say, "are tired of being patient" with people who crawl into bed for years because their feelings got hurt.
you realize abusers say stuff like that all the time, right? OP said that she was just yelling at them before this. also, just because someone loves you doesn't necessarily mean that they want to help. in the case of sh, a lot of people only want us to stop because it personally makes them uncomfortable. we hear things like 'stop hurting yourself for me'
calling them a brat is unwarranted
Well, if I found out one of my siblings had a problem with self-harm I know for sure I'd be trying to talk to them about it, and would also tell my father about it in hopes that he could try to help them. What are your loved ones supposed to do? Find out you want to hurt yourself and then just be like "Okay, great! Have fun!"?
The difference is tht she isn't trying to help, she's trying to scare me. Also, I already have professional help and I am getting better so it's not like nothing's happening abt it.
Yes, according to this sub you're meant to back off and allow your loved ones to ruin their own lives in peace and wallow in misery and if you dare say anything about it you're actually a very selfish and unhelpful person
That basically seems to be the trend here. Anything that could actually help a person is deemed bad because they actually want to be the special snowflake and get all the pity without ever having to work on themselves.
I think a lot of people in this sub would have a rough wake-up call if everyone who loves them did actually give up on them and stop trying.
I’m hate the way you spell when you text. Not a big deal but I hate it so much.
Have you ever stopped to think that you suffering/ struggling also hurts those who love you?
That's not to say you are to blame at all but as someone who suffers from recurrent major depression its critical to remember your suffering is also their suffering. Be thankful you have people who care about your recovery even if they are ham fisted with their approach.
“be thankful” helps nobody going through a hard time. Clearly you’ve been dismissed as well but instead of trying to break that cycle, you joined it. Why is it that your first instinct is to assume OP is “ungrateful” or that there isn’t a history that we aren’t privy to here?
People who’re dealing with depression don’t need to be told that they’re making everyone else suffer too, how would that ever be helpful? All they said was “idk how to respond” and that is fair!
And yet it does. CBT literally teaches you to practise positive thinking as part of the recovery process. Developing and reinforcing the ability to empathise is a massive step forward in breaking the heartbreaking cycle of negative inward thinking. It absolutely is important to remember that your struggle is also theirs - it's the difference between having people in your life and pushing everyone away and having no one (happened to me). I will always warn people about that because the latter will make recovery so much harder.
I haven't been dismissed neither have I joined some kind of obscure cycle: I've recognised that self improvement it just that - improvement of the self. You cannot improve others but you 100% CAN change your outlook on it all. Failure to reinforce this to people is why I spent decades self medicating with alcohol and making absolutely no progress at breaking the cycle of depression.
It's not tough love or a failure to understand mental health. It's realising that the above is absolutely necessary to true recovery.
who puts porn on their grandma's chat background? What the fuck?
Thts not porn bro 😂 Also, it's my default idek how to change it
You people on this sub are insufferable lol it's always examples of people trying to help and actually being very sweet, but because they're not perfect they're piece of shit?
That is literally nothing like what was happening. She was yelling bcz she's ashamed tht her granddaughter is self harming, and she thinks that threatening to tell ppl around me is going to make me stop. She doesn't care abt me, she cares abt her reputation.
Just to be 100% clear, if I knew someone close to me WA self harming, especially a young kid, I would also absolutely tell their family and maybe a professional too. That's a normal thing for people to do with people they're worried about
Okay, three things: I have professional help, my mom and most of my family (that I trust) know, and I'm a grown woman, so none of that rlly applies to my situation
Yeah nevermind, she sounds like a piece of shit. How nasty of her to try.
Maybe she is a piece of shit, but doesn't look like from what you posted