I also like deferring decisions to the "parking lot", used to be settling in the parking lot meant the disputants would have a fight after work to clear the air.
We're not going to make a decision, but we are going to talk about making a decision and suggest that someone should do that at some point in the future after further discussions
That will be after the Steering Committee selects members for the Agenda Committee that will set up the Date For A Date Committee meeting, which we anticipate will take place sometimes before 2040.
Sorry if this is a stupid question, I'm new in the compliance & risk management department, but... this all seems like a lot for where to order lunch...
I definitely don't want to sidestep the DFADC process, as internal audit will kill me though.
Gotta be real careful with that shit though, one never knows when they're going to want to loop you into a discussion you're not even paying attention to completely out of the blue.
That’s actually perfect for these types of meetings and folks - say the most cliche office joke possible and they will be like “see they get it!” And you’re basically in at that point
Dude its exceptionally bad when its a conference call with people on the other side of the planet working through lord fucking knows what piece of shit softphone/headset combo but the 3-4 second delay after every single fucking line in the conversation...at that point even if I'm not baked to the tits Im playing a browser game in another tab because holy shit is that excruciating to be a part of. It's great hearing either "hello?" or "you there?" every minute or so through a 40 minute conversation.
Worked on a team, we had one coworker in Bangalore (and he was absolutely a great contributor I want to emphasize) but on our weekly conference call with a speaker phone device in the middle of a table I could not understand one word.
When I spoke one on one from my desk with a high quality headset/mic I had no trouble at all talking with him, so it's clear the audio/video hardware is important.
This was all about 2010, newer generations of audio equipment is much better.
US companies started this bs when Japanese car and other manufacturers were kicking their asses to the curb. So they went to see what the Japanese companies were doing and saw them making sincere use of actual teams of people who were respected by mgt while mgt salaries not that much greater than workers. They were enabled and rewarded in identifying problems and inventing solutions from the bottom up, listening to the people on the factory floor and empowering them to remedy problems faster.
What US companies came back with was new vocabulary words pasted over the same bullshit methods. ”See??!! We’ve got teams and kanbans, too, now!”
I cringe whenever i see the word ‘team’ in english outside of sports.
In Japan, isn’t there also an added pressure of satisfying one’s boss, even if it means working overtime all the girl and being loyal to 1 company for one’s whole life?
I was on a business division-wide town hall. A leader used the phrase "Corporate hygiene" referring to how well we're following the return-to-office dictates. I have never been more grossed out. Just use the phrase "Employee obedience" its less ominous.
These meetings are so cookie-cutter in their formula and approach, so predictable, and contain the same platitudes and fluff. And they seem to transcend culture: the formula has felt quite consistent to me whether I am working with people in the the US, Germany, UK, India, Singapore, or Australia.
Don't forget the senior manager who makes it clear from the outset that they don't care what anyone thinks of their latest stupid idea, it's happening because what they say goes.
No this is a good question. Ask me to do something don’t just spew something and expect me to interpret it, figure out the question, and figure out the answer.
I feel strongly about this haha. If you add me to an email (and don’t say FYI), there better be a question directed toward me.
The #1 reason I know there isn't a god (or he fucking sucks) is that none of these terrible business meetings are just smited off the fucking face of the earth in one fell swoop. He/she has never seen one smitable meeting? No chance.
"I think fixing the problem requires X. But that means investing more time and money than we have been doing so far."
"Time and money, you say? I have a better idea: Let's keep doing Y, the same thing we've been doing for months at this point with minimal effect, but more of it. It's decided then."
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Let’s circle back next Monday
And by next Monday we mean Q4, right? 😅
Next Monday is still in Q4 last time I checked
Just a quick touchpoint
I also like deferring decisions to the "parking lot", used to be settling in the parking lot meant the disputants would have a fight after work to clear the air.
We're not going to make a decision, but we are going to talk about making a decision and suggest that someone should do that at some point in the future after further discussions
That will be after the Steering Committee selects members for the Agenda Committee that will set up the Date For A Date Committee meeting, which we anticipate will take place sometimes before 2040.
Sorry if this is a stupid question, I'm new in the compliance & risk management department, but... this all seems like a lot for where to order lunch...
I definitely don't want to sidestep the DFADC process, as internal audit will kill me though.
Divide and conquer 😂 not knowing what it actually means
Hands apart. Parallel to each other in front of you: "its about finding that balance"
Alternates lowering one hand while raising the other: "Six seven"
I can’t see someone doing this without wincing cause it looks to me like pantomiming jiggling some titties
That’s why it’s so funny
https://preview.redd.it/33wp8luh4f8g1.jpeg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=778fd153a93b89f913901d5cdab8529098551864
W for the Get Out reference. One of my favorite movies.
Also the fakest small talks with the fakest laughs before and after the meeting
"You're doing good, but you could be working even harder to make money for the boss and the shareholders."
If I know we have a team meeting in the morning, I just hit a hard wake n bake on the way in and disassociate when they start blabbing.
Gotta be real careful with that shit though, one never knows when they're going to want to loop you into a discussion you're not even paying attention to completely out of the blue.
Ask me how I know lol
That's when I joke about how the caffeine hasn't kicked in yet 😂
That’s actually perfect for these types of meetings and folks - say the most cliche office joke possible and they will be like “see they get it!” And you’re basically in at that point
Trust me, I have mastered the art of BSing and faking competence lol.
The day I heard someone actually say, "Sorry, I spaced there for a bit could you repeat what the issue is?", that was a liberating experience.
Dude its exceptionally bad when its a conference call with people on the other side of the planet working through lord fucking knows what piece of shit softphone/headset combo but the 3-4 second delay after every single fucking line in the conversation...at that point even if I'm not baked to the tits Im playing a browser game in another tab because holy shit is that excruciating to be a part of. It's great hearing either "hello?" or "you there?" every minute or so through a 40 minute conversation.
Slightly off target but -
Worked on a team, we had one coworker in Bangalore (and he was absolutely a great contributor I want to emphasize) but on our weekly conference call with a speaker phone device in the middle of a table I could not understand one word.
When I spoke one on one from my desk with a high quality headset/mic I had no trouble at all talking with him, so it's clear the audio/video hardware is important.
This was all about 2010, newer generations of audio equipment is much better.
“Team”
US companies started this bs when Japanese car and other manufacturers were kicking their asses to the curb. So they went to see what the Japanese companies were doing and saw them making sincere use of actual teams of people who were respected by mgt while mgt salaries not that much greater than workers. They were enabled and rewarded in identifying problems and inventing solutions from the bottom up, listening to the people on the factory floor and empowering them to remedy problems faster.
What US companies came back with was new vocabulary words pasted over the same bullshit methods. ”See??!! We’ve got teams and kanbans, too, now!”
I cringe whenever i see the word ‘team’ in english outside of sports.
In Japan, isn’t there also an added pressure of satisfying one’s boss, even if it means working overtime all the girl and being loyal to 1 company for one’s whole life?
Yeah and I've heard these days that junior people at companies will be scolded for even daring to suggest something to improve.
japan thing
Made worse by the fact that a "team" was originally a pack of working animals like oxen pulling a plow.
Example, the Toyota production line pull cord.
Anyone who sees an issue can pull the cord, and the whole line stops till issue is resolved.
American cars, "Hey, half the seats don't have all the bolts tight, who gives a shit, amirite?"
I was on a business division-wide town hall. A leader used the phrase "Corporate hygiene" referring to how well we're following the return-to-office dictates. I have never been more grossed out. Just use the phrase "Employee obedience" its less ominous.
These meetings are so cookie-cutter in their formula and approach, so predictable, and contain the same platitudes and fluff. And they seem to transcend culture: the formula has felt quite consistent to me whether I am working with people in the the US, Germany, UK, India, Singapore, or Australia.
"I noticed some gaps in our efficiency and we plan on bridging those gaps"
"We fixed the glitch"
[ Removed by Reddit ]
"I have a hard out in 15 minutes"
Telehealth in a nutshell in my experience
So happy I'm not working I in corporate America. This kind of speak drove me nuts.
I'm starting to feel safer already.
I already feel a part of the team and optimistic. Let's do this!
“Together you can do it”
I feel this in my soul
As a manager of a team, I got a chuckle out of this, but there are reasons these phrases are commonly used.
Don't forget the senior manager who makes it clear from the outset that they don't care what anyone thinks of their latest stupid idea, it's happening because what they say goes.
My favourite quote from one of these was, "If you aim for the stars, you'll reach the moon."
Apparently, pointing out that, that means you've failed your goal by an extremely large margin was considered "rude" and "inappropriate".
Nothing to add
Are the stakeholders onboard?
Have you considered an agile approach?
Can the following stay on after this call to blah blah blah
"what's the ask?"
No this is a good question. Ask me to do something don’t just spew something and expect me to interpret it, figure out the question, and figure out the answer.
I feel strongly about this haha. If you add me to an email (and don’t say FYI), there better be a question directed toward me.
"Let's put the polish on those brass tacks."
The #1 reason I know there isn't a god (or he fucking sucks) is that none of these terrible business meetings are just smited off the fucking face of the earth in one fell swoop. He/she has never seen one smitable meeting? No chance.
This makes me nauseous
I am a moose
“A Møøse once bit my sister…”
I am a penguin
"I think fixing the problem requires X. But that means investing more time and money than we have been doing so far."
"Time and money, you say? I have a better idea: Let's keep doing Y, the same thing we've been doing for months at this point with minimal effect, but more of it. It's decided then."
Since standing, can't do the high steepling.
And left out "Work smarter, not harder", usually said by some who is neither smart nor a hard worker.
The "Yes, that's right" is missing the ", but" on the end
"What can we do to reduce our employee turnover? ** Let's all ideate on this to come up with a synergistic approach."**
Pause
Me: "Good talent costs money; how smart do you want the company to be?"
PUA
"STRESS"
Damn I feel called out
What's up with the "I am not happy, Bob." hand gestures?
I never want to go to a team meeting now, this feels insulting!
I farted
Formal meeting: rigid wrist, fingers together, thumb raised.
Any fricken normal exchange: actually natural hand gestures.
What's that 5th hand gesture? I'm not familiar
This sounds exactly like my social studies teacher and I’m in fuckass 8th grade.