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Post title:
Serious loving relationship, but his sexual cravings are becoming a lot
So me 39F and my man 42M are in a long distance beautiful, loving and committed relationship. Marriage is in the foreseeable future, we have attraction, trust, respect and all the things you’d want and need. The best most intentional relationship I’ve ever been in and he’s likely to say the same thing. Our sex life is amazing. He is a great lover and I always get off with him. We have a solid foundation based on communication and we value that aspect of our relationship. As we got to know each other, we both agreed to try anal out. We did, it was cool. It’s not something I need, but I’m down for it here and there. However, it seems as though he CRAVES it. Now this isn’t an issue for me, I know it’s very common. I’m ok with it. But, it’s gotten to a point where I feel like there could be things down the line that I’m just too uncomfortable with. Here goes…1. Whenever he sends a spicy text or asks for a pic, it’s butthole in nature. 2. He mentioned to me casually (after sending an instagram post of a trans woman that a lot of trans women look better than bio women) 3. I asked him if he’d ever sleep with one, he said in his head he probably would, but bc of his strong Christian beliefs he would not. 4. In a conversation about my concerns about his sexual appetite I asked him about a possible attraction to trans he never actually denied it, he just gave a very fair, emotionally intelligent response about how at the end of the day, he does view intercourse with them as gay, however “ just because u did something once, doesn’t make you gay” 5. He had some solo play using a butt plug and told me about it the next day and loved it. now, I know these things aren’t a concern for most, and it’s healthy that we have this type of communication, I am his safe space and he asked should he tone down, I said no. Truthfully. I am concerned. No matter what, at least once every couple days, something like the aforementioned is said, I think to myself, this man might be bi. I hate this. I’m not comfortable marrying a bi man. No disrespect to any part of the lgbtq community, I just don’t prefer that in a partner. I don’t know how to even start this convo bc I don’t want to take away the (safe space) we’ve created but I’m nervous about his sexual appetite. I know most of you will say if he has all things amazing qualities, then what’s the problem? It’s bothering me, I don’t want to throw away the best man I ever been with, but his sexual appetite may be too much for me. Idk what to do.
Ehhh him liking anal stuff or being attracted to trans women doesn’t make him Bisexual. But I’m younger than you and have a different outlook on things I’m a 25M, his comment about trans women is a bit weird. I’m attracted to cis/trans women but I would never say something like that to a cis or trans woman.
Trying to understand your specific concern here. Are you worried he's going to cheat on you? With a transwoman specifically? Like if he's gonna cheat, does it really matter what gender identity they are?
For what it's worth, I probably check all the same boxes as your boyfriend, and I don't identify as bi, at all. I like anal with my wife and have done some solo anal play. Many femme-presenting transwomen are undeniably attractive and I wouldn't rule out having sex with one of them. None of that affects my own sexual identity or negatively impacts my sexual relationship with my wife.
I totally understand, thanks for the insight. Cheating is always a concern, I just couldn’t handle cheating with a trans bc that’s a category I cannot compete with. They have something I don’t (in most cases)
Like a penis? You could use a strap on and peg him? He loves you… I’m not sure where your transphobia is coming from, but it’s not a good look. Also you could jus talk to him and ask him directly, it sounds like you’re making up stories in your head without knowing what’s actually true
I don't understand. Your concern is that he might be attracted to trans women? A lot of straight men are attracted to trans women, because they're women.
I get it. I know a lot of me are. I don’t wanna be disrespectful. But trans women are trans women. No disrespect. But they’re trans women. There’s a difference. Not the point here. But yes, if you desire a trans, I don’t think you’re heterosexual.
sounds like you need to sort out your biphobia and transphobia. Your claim of 'safe space' is in direct opposition to your views, and that conflict is stressful. If you love him, it should be no matter what.
That's your own internal transphobia then. Being attracted to a woman is being attracted to a woman regardless of what they're working with downstairs.
As for him, nothing of what you've said suggests bi. He's attracted to those who present themselves as women. An asshole is an asshole regardless of whats in front of it, and it sounds like as long as its a woman, or someone who looks like a woman, thats what he's into. Solo play also has nothing to do with being bi or gay, tho some societal views especially in the US say otherwise.
Thanks for the insight. I promise I’m not homophobic or transphobic. None of that scares me or bothers me. Every one deserves love and respect. However, I believe people should live on their truth. I know these kinks doesn’t mean he no or gay. But, all things considered, it seems a little odd. Not something im used to to say the least. But I do have an open mind, just again, wanna know how far his desires go.
You might not think you’re homophobic or transphobic, but what you’re saying, how you’re framing his potential sexuality, the way you refer to trans people as “a trans”, and saying a man attracted to trans women isn’t straight, well, is. Sounds like you need to do some deeper introspection here and confront your own biases.
Is it too much for you? It sounds like he is clearly communicating that he likes butt stuff in every way an also likes you. The question you should be asking is if he is going to be the way he is, is that something you want long term. "butt slut" is a lot different that the regular sex vaginal princess you have probably imagined yourself being in the past.
I think I know what you’re saying, I guess I feel like, I’m cool with freaky shit, but he talks more about anal and never mentions pussy. It’s concerning. I just wish I didn’t feel like this
I understand your concerns. You are not shaming his kinks or sexual desires, he just seems very focused on ass and never pussy. It does sound very suspicious to me. He could be gay or just have an extreme fetish for anal.
I think his comment about trans women looking better than bio women was weird to send to you, really. Alot of trans women have alot of plastic surgery to look more feminine and ofc they turned out like beautiful bombshells. But its weird comparing plastic surgery to natural and him saying it to you makes me feel like he wanted to put you down or give you a hint that he wants you to improve your looks.
Exactly!! Not shaming, at all, I just wanna know how deep it goes before I commit my life to him. And no, I truly don’t believe he wants me to change, improve my looks. I keep myself up and whenever I mentioned to him some type of surgery, or even weight loss, he swears he’s completely satisfied and even threatened to leave me if I got a boob job or a surgery of some sort. He compliments my body 5 times a night while we’re together. So I don’t think he was trying to out me down.
Let's pull this apart a bit. So a guy can be 100% straight and obsessed with anal. Some hetero relationships are just like that. Some guys are just like that, they want to look at, lick, touch, fuck ass. And as is commonly true, when that's a woman's ass, that's a straight guy.
For me, that would be no thanks. I'm not phobic or unwilling to explore, but I'm not willing to commit to spend my life with any sex partner that is ass-centric, it bores me, they need to move on and find someone else.
COMPLETELY separate, some people are trans. And, some highly variable percentage of people who are trans have "bottom surgery" (don't assume it) (and super do NOT ever ask about it unless you are planning to have orgasms together).
Regardless of what equipment people have, they may or may not be into things. One of the most interesting, cool parts of much of the gay male dating culture is that it's a given that people need to talk about what they want to do. Not everyone with an ass wants it touched. A sizeable number of gay guys identify as "sides" who just want to exchange handy, nobody's butt gets touched.
...
So, if I were you I'd dump the guy, because he's obsessed with ass.
But it doesn't make him gay. Or anything else. And if in the end he does prefer women who are trans (with whatever surgical status) it's really not different than preferring short people or women with really big boobs or certain foreign accents when speaking.
I feel that you are not liking the fact that his appetite for anal is really what he prefers and if that is correct why did you tell him that he doesn’t need to tone it down?? I think if that is correct how you feel, then that needs to be communicated ASAP. He only knows what you tell him. Maybe you would rather have PIV sex and occasionally have anal but that needs to be communicated ASAP.
It doesn't sound like your compatible. It sounds like he has a fetish for trans women but wants to marry a cis woman. Also it sounds like your very put off by his focus on anal sex which is very normal for a woman to feel. You can leave someone for any reason and don't have to stay just because they're nice and want to commit. If you want to leave, leave. Your not throwing anything away.
Well, trans women are women. A man being attracted to a woman does not make him bi. A man having anal sex, either giving or receiving, with a woman does not make him bi.
So it sounds to me that you're homophobic/biphobic/transphobic, and that's really what you're struggling with. In that case I'd recommend speaking to a professional. I hope you find what you're looking for.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked here.
Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Weekly Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats.
To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it.
Any attempt to seek private chat or otherwise deviate a conversation away from the main forum, WILL result in a permanent ban. This goes both for OP and for all comments. Guide for blocking DMs can be found here.
Hi there, /u/Prize-Ad-5800
To keep nefarious behaviour at bay, we are saving the contents of the post here so that it can always be retrieved by the moderator team after a post has been edited or deleted by the posting user.
Post title:
Serious loving relationship, but his sexual cravings are becoming a lot
So me 39F and my man 42M are in a long distance beautiful, loving and committed relationship. Marriage is in the foreseeable future, we have attraction, trust, respect and all the things you’d want and need. The best most intentional relationship I’ve ever been in and he’s likely to say the same thing. Our sex life is amazing. He is a great lover and I always get off with him. We have a solid foundation based on communication and we value that aspect of our relationship. As we got to know each other, we both agreed to try anal out. We did, it was cool. It’s not something I need, but I’m down for it here and there. However, it seems as though he CRAVES it. Now this isn’t an issue for me, I know it’s very common. I’m ok with it. But, it’s gotten to a point where I feel like there could be things down the line that I’m just too uncomfortable with. Here goes…1. Whenever he sends a spicy text or asks for a pic, it’s butthole in nature. 2. He mentioned to me casually (after sending an instagram post of a trans woman that a lot of trans women look better than bio women) 3. I asked him if he’d ever sleep with one, he said in his head he probably would, but bc of his strong Christian beliefs he would not. 4. In a conversation about my concerns about his sexual appetite I asked him about a possible attraction to trans he never actually denied it, he just gave a very fair, emotionally intelligent response about how at the end of the day, he does view intercourse with them as gay, however “ just because u did something once, doesn’t make you gay” 5. He had some solo play using a butt plug and told me about it the next day and loved it. now, I know these things aren’t a concern for most, and it’s healthy that we have this type of communication, I am his safe space and he asked should he tone down, I said no. Truthfully. I am concerned. No matter what, at least once every couple days, something like the aforementioned is said, I think to myself, this man might be bi. I hate this. I’m not comfortable marrying a bi man. No disrespect to any part of the lgbtq community, I just don’t prefer that in a partner. I don’t know how to even start this convo bc I don’t want to take away the (safe space) we’ve created but I’m nervous about his sexual appetite. I know most of you will say if he has all things amazing qualities, then what’s the problem? It’s bothering me, I don’t want to throw away the best man I ever been with, but his sexual appetite may be too much for me. Idk what to do.
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Ehhh him liking anal stuff or being attracted to trans women doesn’t make him Bisexual. But I’m younger than you and have a different outlook on things I’m a 25M, his comment about trans women is a bit weird. I’m attracted to cis/trans women but I would never say something like that to a cis or trans woman.
Facts! I thought it was very odd. No doubt there are some GORGEOUS trans girls. No doubt about it, but damn that was a lot when he said it.
Trying to understand your specific concern here. Are you worried he's going to cheat on you? With a transwoman specifically? Like if he's gonna cheat, does it really matter what gender identity they are?
For what it's worth, I probably check all the same boxes as your boyfriend, and I don't identify as bi, at all. I like anal with my wife and have done some solo anal play. Many femme-presenting transwomen are undeniably attractive and I wouldn't rule out having sex with one of them. None of that affects my own sexual identity or negatively impacts my sexual relationship with my wife.
I totally understand, thanks for the insight. Cheating is always a concern, I just couldn’t handle cheating with a trans bc that’s a category I cannot compete with. They have something I don’t (in most cases)
Like a penis? You could use a strap on and peg him? He loves you… I’m not sure where your transphobia is coming from, but it’s not a good look. Also you could jus talk to him and ask him directly, it sounds like you’re making up stories in your head without knowing what’s actually true
Your transphobia is showing
I don't understand. Your concern is that he might be attracted to trans women? A lot of straight men are attracted to trans women, because they're women.
I get it. I know a lot of me are. I don’t wanna be disrespectful. But trans women are trans women. No disrespect. But they’re trans women. There’s a difference. Not the point here. But yes, if you desire a trans, I don’t think you’re heterosexual.
sounds like you need to sort out your biphobia and transphobia. Your claim of 'safe space' is in direct opposition to your views, and that conflict is stressful. If you love him, it should be no matter what.
That's your own internal transphobia then. Being attracted to a woman is being attracted to a woman regardless of what they're working with downstairs.
As for him, nothing of what you've said suggests bi. He's attracted to those who present themselves as women. An asshole is an asshole regardless of whats in front of it, and it sounds like as long as its a woman, or someone who looks like a woman, thats what he's into. Solo play also has nothing to do with being bi or gay, tho some societal views especially in the US say otherwise.
Thanks for the insight. I promise I’m not homophobic or transphobic. None of that scares me or bothers me. Every one deserves love and respect. However, I believe people should live on their truth. I know these kinks doesn’t mean he no or gay. But, all things considered, it seems a little odd. Not something im used to to say the least. But I do have an open mind, just again, wanna know how far his desires go.
You might not think you’re homophobic or transphobic, but what you’re saying, how you’re framing his potential sexuality, the way you refer to trans people as “a trans”, and saying a man attracted to trans women isn’t straight, well, is. Sounds like you need to do some deeper introspection here and confront your own biases.
"No disrespect" doesn't suddenly make what you said not disrespectful.
Is it too much for you? It sounds like he is clearly communicating that he likes butt stuff in every way an also likes you. The question you should be asking is if he is going to be the way he is, is that something you want long term. "butt slut" is a lot different that the regular sex vaginal princess you have probably imagined yourself being in the past.
I think I know what you’re saying, I guess I feel like, I’m cool with freaky shit, but he talks more about anal and never mentions pussy. It’s concerning. I just wish I didn’t feel like this
Totally understandable. That is a lot to handle. I would be 100% struggling if I were in your shoes.
I understand your concerns. You are not shaming his kinks or sexual desires, he just seems very focused on ass and never pussy. It does sound very suspicious to me. He could be gay or just have an extreme fetish for anal.
I think his comment about trans women looking better than bio women was weird to send to you, really. Alot of trans women have alot of plastic surgery to look more feminine and ofc they turned out like beautiful bombshells. But its weird comparing plastic surgery to natural and him saying it to you makes me feel like he wanted to put you down or give you a hint that he wants you to improve your looks.
Exactly!! Not shaming, at all, I just wanna know how deep it goes before I commit my life to him. And no, I truly don’t believe he wants me to change, improve my looks. I keep myself up and whenever I mentioned to him some type of surgery, or even weight loss, he swears he’s completely satisfied and even threatened to leave me if I got a boob job or a surgery of some sort. He compliments my body 5 times a night while we’re together. So I don’t think he was trying to out me down.
Let's pull this apart a bit. So a guy can be 100% straight and obsessed with anal. Some hetero relationships are just like that. Some guys are just like that, they want to look at, lick, touch, fuck ass. And as is commonly true, when that's a woman's ass, that's a straight guy.
For me, that would be no thanks. I'm not phobic or unwilling to explore, but I'm not willing to commit to spend my life with any sex partner that is ass-centric, it bores me, they need to move on and find someone else.
COMPLETELY separate, some people are trans. And, some highly variable percentage of people who are trans have "bottom surgery" (don't assume it) (and super do NOT ever ask about it unless you are planning to have orgasms together).
Regardless of what equipment people have, they may or may not be into things. One of the most interesting, cool parts of much of the gay male dating culture is that it's a given that people need to talk about what they want to do. Not everyone with an ass wants it touched. A sizeable number of gay guys identify as "sides" who just want to exchange handy, nobody's butt gets touched.
...
So, if I were you I'd dump the guy, because he's obsessed with ass.
But it doesn't make him gay. Or anything else. And if in the end he does prefer women who are trans (with whatever surgical status) it's really not different than preferring short people or women with really big boobs or certain foreign accents when speaking.
I feel that you are not liking the fact that his appetite for anal is really what he prefers and if that is correct why did you tell him that he doesn’t need to tone it down?? I think if that is correct how you feel, then that needs to be communicated ASAP. He only knows what you tell him. Maybe you would rather have PIV sex and occasionally have anal but that needs to be communicated ASAP.
It doesn't sound like your compatible. It sounds like he has a fetish for trans women but wants to marry a cis woman. Also it sounds like your very put off by his focus on anal sex which is very normal for a woman to feel. You can leave someone for any reason and don't have to stay just because they're nice and want to commit. If you want to leave, leave. Your not throwing anything away.
😔😔😔 I know. It sucks. It really sucks
Well, trans women are women. A man being attracted to a woman does not make him bi. A man having anal sex, either giving or receiving, with a woman does not make him bi.
So it sounds to me that you're homophobic/biphobic/transphobic, and that's really what you're struggling with. In that case I'd recommend speaking to a professional. I hope you find what you're looking for.