Why is this type of contradictory advice so prevalent on Reddit? It makes no sense?
A dude will post asking how to meet women for the purpose of dating them. People will tell him to sign up for activities he would otherwise NEVER participate in if there were no opportunities to meet women, and then they proceed to tell him not to go if his ONLY reason is getting a girlfriend?? How does that make sense?
And yes, I've seen people write this exact thought process out within the SAME comment.
I get the rationale of cautioning men against being desperate, overt, or creepy about it, but can we stop lying to ourselves? The only reason guys sign up for yoga is to meet women. What's wrong with owning it and admitting it? Can we stop bullshitting please?
It’s because every iteration of this piece of advice is telling you the same thing: you need have an authentic interest in something for other people who share that interest to enjoy your company. If you’re only going to meet people, it’s not authentic. Authenticity is what people look for when forming long term relationships with them, whether it’s friendships or otherwise.
Perfectly said
Truly would be nice to just be able to generate authenticity. Some people are just gremlins and have to take mental damage every time they talk with someone.
He is wanting to be authentic about his interests, that is the problem.
Trying something new to broaden your views isn’t inauthentic. That feels like very black and white thinking.
I’m not saying yoga specifically is the answer, that’s just one specific example that OP latched on to. The main issue here is thinking that you should never try something new because you don’t already like it.
I get your pointy but I did what everyone suggests and tried some random clubs that I did not really think I will have interest in. But it is the advice always given. Suprise, surprise I did not enjoy any of them. So now what?
Anyone asking "where do I meet women/men" online likely doesn't have any 'authentic interests' that put them in contact with their preferred gender. Otherwise they'd most likely already be engaging with, or at least be aware of, those activities and wouldn't need to ask the question.
But what if all the things you 'authentically' like to do don't involve very many women? Or they're solitary activities? In that case, the only way a man like that can meet women is doing things he has no authentic interest in. And the only reason he would do those things is to meet women. You can't force someone to 'authentically' enjoy something they simply have no interest in..
You can develop new interests. You have to be willing to try new things and approach them openly.
You can also find women interested in your niche. They may be rare, but with 8b people on Earth you best believe they exist.
Its less about the specific activity and more about the social environment. If your activities are solitary by nature, then youll end up solitary and isolated.
Be multifaceted. Try new stuff. Meet new people. When you get along with someone, meet their friends. Meet friends of friends. Build a network.
Being single and solitary is a dating red flag for several reasons. Youre not socially vetted by peers. Domestic violence happens in isolated environments (not saying that you are violent, but that thats where violence happens so its a red flag). Youre one dimensional (and by perception uninteresting). You dont try new things so itll be a chore to take you out anywhere. You appear not to have ambitions and aspirations. And if youre not out exploring life, that says to potential partners that your entire life will revolve around your solitary activity and themselves, which is a recipe for "im going to be doing an exorbitant amount of emotional labor since theres no one else in this person's life than myself."
Im not claiming that you specifically are these things. Rather, im saying that your current lifestyle is perceived this way from the outside. So thats why everyone says get a social hobby. Fulfill your own person and meet new people in said social hobby. At least people will truly know you first rather than a blind plunge into an isolated person's den with crossed fingers. But, as others have said, do it for self-betterment rather than to earn a girlfriend. People can sense when you do something just for the reward, and its offputting and desperate
Why does everyone talk about self-betterment as becoming this extroverted person who is open to all new activities? Why is that preferable to someone who has an established routine, lives a content and familiar lifestyle, and prefers the company of the same five friends he had met by happenchance at work?
Self betterment for a lot of people would be appreciating more simplicity.
You don’t need to be open to all new activities. And you’re sure as shit not going to magically become extroverted by doing social stuff.
But broadening your interests every now and then is hardly a bad thing. If your issue is feeling isolated and you already have hobbies you do on your own then obviously an activity where you meet people is preferred?
If you have the opposite problem and feel overwhelmed when being alone and always surround yourself with people I’d suggest you try something that you do on your own.
Both can be true at the same time - you can meet new people while maintaining a simple life. The black-and-white here is an unhealthy perspective
The thing is if you are okay being isolated, then this is completely okay, but it you desire something more sociable, it will be in your best interest to expand on your hobbies to something that has a more social aspect. If you desire a romantic relationship, you should put atleast some of your interests into something that associates you more with the opposite sex. You can pick what your interests are, but I will say if you pick Warhammer 40K model painting, then you will not meet a lot of ladies in that hobby.
It is sad to say, but at some point it does become a numbers game. You have a better chance of meeting someone you click with if you talk to 100 women vs talking to just 5 women. If you talk to 100 women you don't share any interests with you are less likely to find someone you click with than talking to 100 women you share a couple common interests with.
I hope that makes sense.
Well if you're lonely and want to meet new people then you're by default not someone content with everything about your lifestyle.
This is how extraverts see introverts, but some of it is not true and just discriminatory.
“No ambition” as if they can’t have any goals, or those goals must not be worthwhile. (Career? Business? Arts? Gardening? Building a car like Tim Taylor?)
”Uninteresting” as if solitary hobbies can‘t be deep and multifaceted.
”Emotional Labor” because they must be clingy. Yet that is contradictory to your earlier statement of the other extreme, where they spend too much time on their solitary activities, leaving the partner the more needy one. Maybe they can be balanced?
Extraverts are not guaranteed to be safe either. Quite often abusers learn to put on one face in public, and another in private, especially once they have leverage.
Overall, an introvert is going to be better suited with another introvert, simply because their lifestyle will align better. No need to claim they are awful people by nature.
You are probably reaponding to the wrong comment.
Or you are projecting a lifetimes worth of bias againsdt introverta on someone wjo absolutely does not deserve it.
I never said introverts are awful people. I never mentioned introversion at all. I said that people who live isolated and never commune socially are perceived in such light - social isolation means no support system. Isolation is not the same as introversion, and thats a dangerous line to blur.
If you live privately, no one knows you. How could they? How will you meet anyone if you dont want to go out or meet people? In that sense, its self defeating. If your hobby - in all its depth - ends up putting you in mutual space with others that have the same hobby despite it being "introverted" by nature then congratulations you literally just proved my point - have ambitions and meet people resulting from those ambitions.
Pulling the conversation in the direction of "im assuming introverts are abusers" is quite the stretch too. Again, didnt say introverts. I said people who isolate. The line, remember?
Everyone has different preferences and desires. The subject was "why do people say to pick up social hobby, but not just to get a mate; get a hobby because you love a hobby." My take was because having a hobby that puts you in social situations can vet your character among peers because, well, they now know you exist and you can talk about what you like with someone in mutual space. That could be yoga, speedrunning games, disc golf, dnd, whatever. Commune with others in a hobby to meet people. The more you meet, the more likely youll find a mate. If you keep cooped up alone, youll remain just that. If that works for you, cool. But again, different subject. Introvert =/= isolation =/= hobby with depth
While your point is valid, I would argue there’s bound to be something that you might find interesting that women would also find interesting. Women participate in even the most stereotypically masculine things.
And furthermore, if you’re only interested in solitary hobbies (which is fine), or you don’t have an interest in people in general, that may not be very conducive to forming long term relationships of any kind
I do have a hobby with an equal gender-ratio, the two girls I dated were both interested in it too. But it's a very small, niche community and it's tough finding single women that are interested. If I wanted to expand my pool, I'd definitely have to branch out..
Related hobbies you might also enjoy? Regional meetups for that same hobby you mentioned? Everyone is different, but for me common ground is way more important than a convenient distance.
People in that hobby who have friends who are single women, whether they are interested in the hobby themselves or not?
That's part of the thing with making friends: if you keep doing it, they introduce you to their friends and you can make more.
I said almost the same thing elsewhere in these comments.
What is the hobby?
In my late 20s, I was involved in a church group. It was something I was authentically interested in, but the problem was that very few people in my age group were involved with the church. Through this group, I met an older couple in their 50s and they introduced me to their daughter. She was single and lived less than 5 minutes from me. We've been married 21+ years.
I moved to Eastern Washington, and started going to a church that had a young adult group and I befriended a few people including a recently married couple. They needed help moving and I had a truck. One of their other friends came to help, I started talking to her and now we've been married for 4 years.
Maybe if you give it a chance, you can find out why people of all genders do enjoy yoga.
You could apply that to literally any hobby.
I workout a lot, and yoga has completely changed my recovery, improving it so much. I don’t get why you’d otherwise never participate in it, it’s just a healthy thing to do. I’ve never used it as a way to meet women, but, I’ve met women and men I’m now friends with through it.
I started it after I was married, so none of it is romantic interests.
Hell, when I applied for my current job, multiple people at my current employer knew me because we go to the same yoga studio and they knew I was in a similar industry. I don’t think that helped me get the job, they’re not in my direct department, but it didn’t hurt and gave me people to chat with on day one.
I thought yoga was silly until I had mobility problems, and it helped my recovery time, so I kept at it. Be willing to try something new for you.
Humans are complex beings. We mature and change. Finding a new interest that isn’t 100% dude it not beyond the ability of men.
OP getting down voted for a legitimate comment
This is logic that prevents you from growing. Try bouldering. Try speed dating. Try cooking classes, or yoga. The important thing is trying things that aren't solitary. Having exclusively solitary hobbies WILL lead to being lonely.
It isn't the healthiest, but I found an interest in going to karaoke bars, drinking, and singing. Met my partner there. You have to be willing to grow your social life, and if you aren't you'll be alone.
It's not fair, but it's reality.
Nice of you to prove the point here. You are being honest and reddit hates having their hypocrisy exposed.
It’s hilarious that this reply is downvoted and all the replies boil down to “change a fundamental aspect of yourself” and that’s considered the GOOD advice. Damn
Isn't that a bit dramatic? Pick up a new hobby is not changing fundamental aspect of yourself. I pick up new hobbies once every few years minimum. Do people just do the same things over and over and never try anything new? Try a new sport or pick up a new skill or try a new activity? Is there not curiosity or desire to learn.
>“change a fundamental aspect of yourself”
I don't think any serious person is going to give that advice. The idea is to branch out and find other hobbies you are interested in if the ones you have aren't making you a very social person.
Either way, people know if you are showing up somewhere just to meet women. We've all seen that dude before that shows up to a new game night or something, only talks to the women, then leaves never to be seen again. If you aren't interested in whatever you're actually attending, people will be able to tell, and they won't be happy that their hobby is being "invaded" by someone who doesn't care for it.
Would you like people showing up to your hobbies if they had no interest in whatever it was, and only wanted to get something out of you? Do you think you would be able to tell?
Exactly imagine if you were playing d&d with friends and someone asked to join and they showed up with no character sheets, had to have the rules explained to them, didn't pay attention when you tried to explain the rules, did stupid stuff to put the party in danger and spent the entire time making passes at the DM while claiming to be a gamer gurl.
Wouldn't that be incredibly rude and disrespectful?
you need to learn how to make yourself an interesting person if you want people to take interest in you.
There are singles events people go to where the only objective is to try to hook up. Like soeed dating, for example. Just go to something like that, or a singles bar.
You sound boring maybe you don’t need a partner.
Is there something you like that other people like?
Do you authentically want to meet people that like this thing?
I've got great news for you.
I’m a yoga instructor and I’ve definitely seen micro communities and friendships grow in classes where people are consistently going. Yoga is great for the body, but the social aspect is also underrated.
That still feels a bit contradictory from where I'm standing. Like, the social piece may be great, but if a lonely person is going in there hoping to make friends and try to have a place to belong, then they'll come off as pathetic, desperate, and/or creepy.
Like, social connection is treated like a thing everybody wants but no one should communicate that they want. Doubly so for romantic connection. It seems like the social aspect of yoga(or a similar activity) should not be a selling point, but rather something incidental. Because of people go in hoping to have social connection, then they'll come off as pathetic, desperate, etc.
Not if theyre going there because they also have an interest in yoga. There are dudes who try this and then in yoga class will scoff at everything related to yoga from the breathing to the stretching. Disingenuous interest is way creepier because it's so obvious.
Yeah, even if your interest is marginal trying out any new hobby is a good way to make friends or even find love. You don’t need to be head over heels for the activity, just interested in trying it out. The social aspect adds to the joy of whatever hobby
Maybe overthinking it is not what should happen. I’ve taught in community Centers and such. Long lasting friendships can happen, while not a guarantee. Romance, same deal. Sometimes regulars don’t make friends so much as just regularly do a group activity that’s good for them and character building at least.
You can want friends or relationships, but you simultaneously need self-respect and the understanding that you can live without being that specific person's friend or partner. That's how you approach people authentically and not come off as desperate.
People come off as pathetic, desperate, or creepy when they behave and think like a puppy begging to be adopted.
If you hate Yoga don't go, do some other activity. It's meant to be good exercise.
Because social connection is thought to be a natural occurrence. You're building skill to make it happen naturally instead of just out right telling someone your expectations of having a connection with them. It seems to take the pressure off being expected to meet someone's expectations. If you both vibe and make each other feel good to be in each other's presence, they want to repeat that without feeling like they have to.
Forgive my naivety - how does it become social? I've been going to yoga classes consistently for a couple months, and its not even that just I dont really talk to anyone, but I dont really see other people talk to each other either! People really seem to just treat it like going to the gym, you get in and get out
If youre lucky someone cool talks to you that is good at being social but sometimes there are none haha
This advice basically translates to “cultivate some genuine interests so that people will have a way to relate to you” and “it’ll be hard for people to meet you if you never leave your house”.
This is basically common sense, as it should also be common sense that results are not guaranteed for any particular setting/activity.
But it isn't. It is cultivate interests which the other gender also has.
There has to be a compromise where women are present and you have at least some genuine interest in the activity. Like yoga is really great to prevent sports injuries and a lot of men play sports. But it doesnt have to be your favorite thing.
so be someone you aren't :)
If your activities are not allowing you to make social connections with people of your interest, you will either have to expand your interest or remain without the growing social circle.
Both are fine, but you have to put in work to meet people if you aren't meeting anyone of interest.
It's the same in anything. Your dream job isn't going to magically find its way to your lap if your networking is not expanding to meet people in that industry.
But no one is arguing against this. OP is simply saying be honest.
Networking is the perfect example. you network to get a job. You don't pretend.
Networking involves a lot of social events that one may or may not be interested in. You certainly do pretend. But you find people that you have fun being around and then potentially build bridges. Even if the company (girl) you are interested in doesn't find you a good fit, they could put in a good word elsewhere. But you are going to fall flat on your face if you're at a networking event and just drop your resume in front of a CEO.
But again the end goal is getting a job. You aren't lying about why you are networking. You aren't claiming you really love networking for the sake of it.
The best people at networking absolutely love networking. The social aspect appeals to many extroverted people.
People who do not like networking do the bare minimum and may not get where they want to be if said minimum is not enough.
It still comes down to, if you do not put in the work to be social, you are not going to get anywhere. And if you come off as creepy, then you won't find a job/partner.
No. Trying something new to see if you like it isn’t being someone you’re not.
If the reason you are doing it is to be with women then it clearly is. You're intentions are not valid, you are just being manipulative. At least be honest with your manipulation, be truthful with yourself.
Tell it like it is, I am invading the space of others in hopes of finding a partner, in a space where the majority of people aren't doing that, and your aim to do so will likely make things awkward for others.
Yeah the same reality is you do need to do certain things to get a partner and you also need to act like that isn't the reason why you do those things.
Well not always but it certainly does help a lot.
Don't do something for the sole purpose of meeting a woman. That's nakedly desperate. Do something because you want to meet women and you're curious about trying the activity. You have to have genuine interest because people can smell a fake.
If you're not curious about trying new things because female oriented activities are icky or because you don't want to do social things or it's too hard or you can't try new things. Well those are unfortunate personality flaws that do need examining because 1. there is a massive space of social activities that appeal to to literally any type of person and 2. those personality flaws are red flags.
It’s not just on Reddit. Joining a hobby to meet people and then being told not to join just to meet people is like the most basic advice anyone gives about trying to meet people.
It's actually pretty level headed advice if you can read the room. There's like these 20 hobbies/activities you can choose from, to maximize your chances of meeting people. But meeting people is a bonus.
The main thing remains the activity you signed up for. You might also make friends, which is good. You might also come "empty handed", and if so, if you didn't enjoy X activity you just wasted, money time and effort, and made people there uncomfortable
Yeah I was just talking with a friend about this. I love clubbing and when I go I focus on enjoying my the music and the dancing. I've met other guys whose sole interest seems to be getting laid. While I understand the desire I disagree with the mindset because it means if you don't get laid the entire night was a waste, but if you enjoy the club for the club then you can have fun regardless.
It's good advice.
It's maddening.
It kinda makes sense though, as you shouldn’t join a hobby you don’t care for solely to make friends, as you’ll be surrounded by people principally interested in the hobby. That being said, if you’re somewhat interested in the hobby saying “I’m here to check it out and meet new people,” is totally valid.
No more maddening than thinking that doing an activity you have no interest in just to try and scam some women by pretending you’re more interesting than you are is gonna work. People who do fun activities will meet people who do fun activities , they do fun stuff together and maybe there is a spark. If you lie about yoga, meet a gal there then decide you don’t have to act like you enjoy it anymore and suddenly you’re trying to get your gf to stop because you don’t like it and a year later she wonders who she is really dating cuz it’s not the guy you were pretending to be…
The things I truly enjoy don't involve a lot of women, so what am I supposed to do my g? I can't force myself to enjoy things I don't actually enjoy, but I don't want to be single forever. Not trying to 'scam' anyone.
You can try new things brother, something might catch on.
But then I'd become the bad guy for trying things 'just' to meet women. Do you see the issue?
Gonna be so real. I took the time to read everything in this thread, and you're making issues where they don't exist. You're completely missing the point and ignoring good advice. I recommend therapy.
Did you actually read tho? Because the issue is people will call you creepy and weird for signing up for classes JUST to meet women. That's the issue. First they tell you to sign up be 'social', but then treat you like you're a creepy weird loser when you actually try to make a move on any of the women there.
That’s because you will be a creepy weird loser if you didn’t even enjoy the thing you came to do, and just did it to meet women.
If you’re only interested in dude things, my guy, you’re not gonna even get along with women. Do you like women? Have you ever been friends with a woman who had interests different than yours? Have you ever had a good, non-sexual time with a woman, ever? Because if you can’t do that, then imma tell you you are not gonna enjoy having a gf.
Yes. Of course you're a creep if you do things JUST to meet women. You aren't engaging in the world around you in good faith. You are not a creep if you do things just to meet PEOPLE. There's a difference. I engage in the latter. I don't necessarily always enjoy the activities I do, but I enjoy the company.
If you don't enjoy company, and exclusively enjoy solitary hobbies, you need to stop blaming the world and start looking inward. Society is not unfair because it's hard for you to date. If you aren't taking part in society and social activities, that's entirely and unequivocally on you. If you hate social interaction that much, you need to really think about why.
Being too obsessed with women is unhealthy. If your current hobbies aren't enough to stave off your overwhelming desire for a relationship, then you should be trying to find new ones. Yes, for yourself. It could be for a partner too but it just shouldn't be the only thing, and you should be honest if you're not actually interested yet in the new hobbies you try out. An authentic relationship will be easier to find if you are interesting and passionately engaged with things.
Also, make male friends, join friend groups, don't just talk to women. Women should be approached as prospective friends first and foremost, just the same as men.
“The only reason guys sign up for yoga is to meet women.”
Absurd.
Because oftentimes men who hold the attitude that absolutely nothing women do for fun can be interesting, engaging or worth spending time on make for bad partners. They oftentimes consciously or unconsciously look down on female hobbies and interests and by extension, women in general. They are also usually not interested in treating women like human beings either.
So, people advise that if you're going to go hang out in social settings where there are women, you should choose something you are open to engaging with and having fun with. That is more authentic and healthy but also helps weed out the type of men who will insist that nothing women enjoy can be considered interesting.
Exactly. They also make it weird when they find women who are into the same things they're into.
I've read posts on Reddit by men who are surprised that pretty women are "really" into something and that they "actually" know the lore.
Basically they're going to ruin it anyway because they look down on women
If they don't like the activity they won't keep going every week. The activity itself weeds out non-interested people.
This is definitely a thing. And even if a man isn’t explicitly this, people who are unwilling to try new things are also generally going to be partners who are a lot of work. A lot of us women have a friend (or even multiple friends) who is married to a guy who doesn’t want to leave the house, would prefer she never left the house, isn’t willing to try anything new and acts like a sullen teenager whenever you see him. No one wants to accidentally end up married to that guy because they breezed past the fact that their boyfriend only has solitary activities.
Meh. People have different lifestyles. I wouldn't criticize someone because they're more outgoing, but I sure would appreciate if people like yourself didn't criticize people who would rather stay home.
Not wanting to leave the house was only part one of a four-part description.
There seems to be a disconnect here where group one are pointing out "meeting people involves being social" and group two are responding with "stop criticising me for not being social." With few exceptions, it doesn't seem like group one are criticising, just pointing out the difficulties of finding romantic relationships and being effective in romantic relationships (romantic relationships being a kind of social bond that generally connects you in to your partner's social network) when you do not prize being social or want to put in the work to be more social.
I would love to be great at playing piano. I have never had lessons or bought a keyboard or generally put any effort in, because it's not that important to me in the shuffle of my life. I just have a yearning for it that I don't act on. However, I'm not gonna feel resentful that no one thinks of me as a great pianist or claps and tells me how wonderful I am and offers to give me a place in a concert when I tinkle around on a piano at a friend's house.
(Better metaphors are, I'm sure, available).
It's the "prefer you never left the house either" part. I've seen and dated people like that and it usually comes off as controlling or codependency if they don't know how to be mature about the differences in their relationship. Nothing wrong with partners who are natural homebodies but complete in themselves with their at home hobbies.
Thats fine of course.
But having a that strong preference to "stay home" will also mean that there are very few women for whom you would be a good partner.
You guys are getting girlfriends in yoga? I just got a slipped disc
Maybe the real girlfriend was the slipped discs we made along the way!
But hey, you might meet a nurse or physical therapist!
Sounds like you got yourself a life long partner! (Unless you opted for surgical "divorce" 😂)
I opted for the two (herniated discs) at the same time special. Two is, in fact, not always better than one.
Jokes aside, hope you're doing better/well now!
Who is asking for dating advice on reddit? 😂
Loners on reddit who don't know reddit is just other loners on Reddit. I know becuse...hey wait!
😭 calling all of us out lol 😂
A LOT of people
People who are too embarrassed to ask the real questions IRL
Broaden your view just a little. Ok, so you would never do yoga. Fine, that's obviously not a great choice for you to meet people, because you will hate it and have nothing in common with the other people there.
What DO you do? When you're putting in the effort to build a social life and community, sometimes you have to try stuff out that you maybe wouldn't have considered before. It's good for you.
The advice is to get you out of your comfort zone a little and trying new things and meeting new people. That is hands down the most effective thing you can do if you want to build more social connections. It doesn't mean do an activity you're going to hate, because that's pointless and fake. It doesn't mean use social groups to prey on women, that's weird and inappropriate. Try to see the actual useful behavior others are suggesting instead of taking it off the rails one way or the other.
I seen another post where the women were telling men "Don't approach women, talk to your female friends to try to get a girlfriend, If you don't have female friends make some!" Um, how do you make female friends if you don't approach them?
Moral of the story, we have to stop listening to out-of-touch folks.
In the real world, women are fine with being approached in the right social context.
Now if we could all just come to an agreement on what constitutes the right social context.
It's entirely the social context that's important. I was never the best at reading this, so in the past I saved it for places that are undeniably safe to talk to strangers, like a bouldering gym or a bar.
The right social context will vary from woman to woman. Unfortunately, there is no universally applicable formula.
Nobody (worth listening to) ever said it was supposed to be easy.
Clearly the answer is to have had female friends before hand. If you don't have any now you're stuck out of luck.
Not a contradiction.
Invest in self-betterment like yoga. Be less of an insecure dork.
Go to yoga to hope to seem like someone interested in self-betterment. Come off creepy AF.
I can do 'self-betterment' at home, by myself tho.
Yea, but you won’t get out and meet people doing it. That’s the point. Try something new, enjoy that thing you are doing, make conversation, meet people and expand your world and during this personal transformation of living your life maybe you’ll meet someone tangentially through that and have an activity you enjoy together. Or just stay home, never grow beyond your next video game and try and meet someone who finds a dude who stays home doing nothing meaningful to be a fascinating life partner.
I think you may be missing the point, son.
I'm saying there's a million other ways a guy can achieve 'self-betterment' and become less insecure besides yoga, ways that don't involve women or anyone else at all, ways that may be much more enjoyable. So why would a guy choose an expensive, public yoga class over those other options? Because women are there.
Let me spell this out for you:
Everyone should have a social network, and friends, and everyone should go "out" to social events and meet people as part of life. That's what normal human beings do.
If you don't do those things, then you won't have a social network, and you will be alone. And if you're just some neckbeard who lives in his basement, it will be hard to have friends, partners, etc. You will be a lone hermit.
Then people like you ask out of nowhere, "So how do I get a girlfriend now?" And the point is that you very likely won't, if you don't have any social skills, or a social network, and you refuse to build up those things.
The suggestion of yoga is just one example of something you could do that would be a social event. It's often mentioned because it's healthier and more positive than just hanging out in a bar drinking beer. The point is to get out of your house and do something social / positive in society, where you will be in some proximity to other people.
Yeah, and I'm fine with that. I have to go out if I want to meet people.
But just to get something clear, the ONLY reason I would do any of those things is to find a partner, because I don't naturally enjoy going out, because I find most people exhausting. If that's not normal, so be it.
I honestly have no other motivation OTHER than meeting women, and there shouldn't be a problem with that, but a lot of Redditors don't seem to like that. They're mad that I don't want to go out and socialize for the 'right' reasons. Too bad.
That's fair, but it's also going to make things harder. Even if you meet someone you would be otherwise compatible with, they may not want to be with someone who doesn't socialize or go out of the house.
In that case, maybe speed-dating events or online dating would work for you. You could give it a try, and you should probably also mention up front that you like to stay at home a lot.
One of the reasons why these types of suggestions are given is that so many people meet a partner organically through their social network, or at social events that they go to. The idea is that by mixing with other people and meeting them, even if just to chat about whatever, there's always some chance for there to be a spark.
Many women are weary or suspicious of men who approach them upfront with romantic or sexual interest. So that can make things more difficult.
From your other posts, it seems like not being able to meet women is more a symptom of the real (and IMO more important) social challenges you’re having. You say you want people in your life but don’t like dealing with people. That will be the root of all your relationships, romantic and non.
Okay, but if women can tell you're just hanging around them because you want to get laid, they will not hang out with you. If you are doing an activity with some friends and having a good time in and of itself, you are approachable, not creepy.
So, what kind of interests are you hoping a potential girlfriend would share with you? You don’t just “get” a girlfriend, you have a relationship that you maintain with shared interests and values. The two things - your interests and partner - should intersect in a few places ideally. But you’re talking about a girlfriend like she’s a thing you just kind of append to your life.
What makes you think there is gonna be some magical lady that is different from how you feel about all humans in general? I see this problem a lot with guys. Getting a girlfriend won't fix anything and there is a very good chance you'll just end up exhausted by her as well.
What sort of partner do you hope to meet?
If you don’t like interacting with people what part of a relationship are you looking for?
Maybe find some group for people who share your outlook and ask if someone there would like to be your girlfriend but never interact?
Then you can both say you are in a relationship but keep your preferred lifestyle of not interacting with people.
I believe the options given to a recent “I don’t do anything with my life but I want someone amazing to love me for my dirty clothes and lack of cooking skills” post included things like rock climbing, art classes or a book club, but the only one you grabbed on to is the one where there are often women in tight clothing bending and stretching. You’re right. Yoga wouldn’t be the place for you. Your attitude would be off putting and self sabotaging.
My b, didn't see that post. I'll try art class 😉
The advice is to start hobbies you are interested in where there is community and see what happens.
Not pick up hobbies and hit on every woman there.
The difference is pretty simple.
Don't go to meet women. The meet women part is a side benefit. Maybe other friends too. Really not that complicated.
But if you are unsatisfied and want to meet people (which is generally helpful to end goal of dating a woman), which your posts suggest you are, then why would that be better than trying out a potentially fun activity?
People can sniff out those on the hunt in a second. She will notice you attend yoga, aren’t very good, stare at girls, ask a few out on the first day, have nothing yoga related to say, don’t put in effort, etc.
So why would she date someone who is a loser? You are in the same hobby and she runs circles around you.
based. Telling it like it is.
Demonstrating that you are only doing yoga to pickup a girl(friend) might come off as extra creepy/desperate.
I would tell you NOT to sign up for yoga if it doesn’t interest you, especially not to meet women. The idea is more to seek out interesting activities where it’s possible you might meet women, or at least broaden your social circle so you might get invited places where you are introduced to women through friends. Having broad interests also makes you a more interesting person to talk to.
don't do things just to meet people. find things that you enjoy that have a community around them and you will naturally meet people who are like minded.
I am the most shy introverted person on the planet, but I am also very passionate about a few topics. i hate meeting new people and small talk, but if someone shares a passion with me i can literally talk about it for hours and we are suddenly good friends.
The risk of taking yoga classes just to meet people is that you will meet people who are into yoga and you are not, so you are less likely to mesh with them. Find an activity you enjoy and do that.
I've tried joining things I'm interested in for years, in college and now around town. I've met a lot of gay people and old people that way. Great people, glad to call them friends, but that hasn't really made dating more of a possibility for me as a straight guy.
Have you told them you're looking to date? They might be willing to set you up.
I believe the idea is to make you a better, with a wider scope of sensibilities, more rounded person, women would actually want to date. Taking yoga is one way of doing this.
Volunteering is another common advice. Volunteering in a homeless or animal shelter, or a good bank, can change your outlook on life, thus making you more attractive.
Doing these things we the the sole goal of meeting women, without learning anything about it, is doing it wrong and will be very transparent.
It's a bit like the difference between being a "nice guy"(tm) and a good person. They both treat women nicely and with respect and their actions are mostly similar.
But one see it as an investment, checking boxes to get enough points to win a relationship. Then get pissed when women say no.
The other does it because it's the right way of treating people and don't expect nothing in return.
Easy to say "don't expect nothing" if you're the one getting asked out, but it's typically men that need to put in the effort of doing the asking out. While making it obvious too soon can be a hindrance, we're forced to be more goal-oriented by circumstances, unless we're fine being alone forever.
Yeah. That entitled energy where even building a relationship with people and having goals is somehow too much work but expecting people to dedicate their time, to someone who finds relating to them a chore, is easy.
The whole point of socializing is learning so that it becomes easier to know how to do it. Asking someone to form a relationship with you isn't some kind of torture. And you usually at least have gotten to know the person a bit and related to them by then. the way y'all speak about it and then expect women to build whole relationships with you in return when you can't even relate to her is why a lot of y'all aren't getting dates.
Practically every possible dating advice for men is gaslighting. And yoga is not an exception.
Some of what people are saying is helpful, but a lot of people are delusional and cannot separate the sum total of the things that made them successful and assume that if you do the same as them you'll have the same results. It's really just a defense mechanism, not to say that "not trying" isn't also a defense mechanism. The former says the world is fair, the latter says the world is unfair, its probably a bit of both. The former likely overestimates the extent to which a person has control over their place in the universe, the latter underestimates it. People either do or die.
I'm gonna hijack this thread just a little. 42 year old male, involved in fitness, martial arts, lifting for most of adult life. Still fairlybflexible and in good condition, but things are starting to hurt. Especially the low back and hip. Also loosing some flexibility. I genuinely think yoga could help, but also wouldn't mind meeting some women there. Yiu guys think I'm a good candidate to go to yoga without seeming like a total creep?
If it’s yoga with a social component after class, your mannerisms and your small talk about why you joined will likely put them at ease. But I understand that the fear that some women may have a knee jerk reaction assuming a guy attending is a creep, and it isn’t fun to try changing people’s minds on that even if you succeed. My suggestion would be to ask around for which yoga studios in your area tend to have at least some male regular attendees. Also some yoga classes are not social and even if it is mostly women, they are just focusing on themselves and don’t care.
Your interest is in yoga first so you're good to go imho
Why don't you just do what you want to and stop worrying about what it looks like to others
Because male dating advice is "be more attractive with a different, better, personality". No one likes to admit there's a very narrow scope of male attractiveness
I go to yoga classes all the time and out of everywhere i go it is THE WORST place to socialize let alone meet a girl...
honest to god, it seems like most people give good advice without iterating and actually explaining why it's good.
Here is the thing, for this one specifically:
You can't go to something specific like Yoga, and just FLIRT, you need to have something in common with the lady, enough to carry a conversation, that's why you go to something you're interested in, and try to make some friendly conversation before flirting.
but there's nothing wrong with wanting a girlfriend, you just need to prove you're a likeable guy first, hence the thing in common.
Let’s put it this way
Most women who are going and attending some kind of physical class like yoga are NOT doing it for socialisation purposes, though that’s a secondary benefit. It may not be something interesting to you, which is totally valid, but the people there are genuinely trying to focus and better themselves in some capacity.
It’s like if you’re trying to get a good score on your finals in school and the kid who doesn’t care about his grades at ALL keeps going to the study rooms just to get girls to go home with him. Like yes it’s entirely your prerogative to not care about that, but don’t bother the people who do in the space that’s specifically meant for them to work and focus
For the vast majority of people that’s going to be really irritating and they’ll be able to see it from miles away
real.
Its the reason guys become Yoga instructors and gurus in general.
Women are totally unaware that is why they are there. That it is a carefully thought out strategy.
Women are aware male classmates are there for them, but the male instructors are totally overlooked for being predators.
In an interview with a 'guru', he said it is easy. All you have to do is act like they think a guru should act. Once they believe, you can do virtually anything, and they pay you for it.
Guess I have to say this as some just need it. Yes, there are some good yoga instructors and gurus. There are also good people out at night, but if you are a criminal you tend to strategize that night is the best time to operate.
You need the good ones, for the bad ones to operate. If everyone at night was a criminal they would have a much harder time.
Damn, yeah that sounds predatory af
You take this guy's unsupported purely anecdotal word as truth?
Seems like lots of cynical folks here.
Meeting people is easy if you can just relax and be real. Both parts, relaxed and real, are important.
I'm a dude. I do yoga at home by myself sometimes. I've been to yoga classes, but didn't like how kinda competitive / performative it felt.
I have absolutely met male yoga instructors who are smarmy creeps that use their jobs to hit on women. I've also met male and female yoga instructors who do the job because they love yoga and can't think of doing anything else.
Typical yoga guru
Seems like you're making up a pretty gross generalization.
My friends gave me the same bullshit advice. I'm into photography so they say go to galleries to meet a girl.
I already go to galleries when I feel like it. I'm not going to go every weekend in the hopes of meeting a girl. That's creepy to me
This person Blaine Anderson who goes around podcasts coaching guys on online dating met her husband in a fitness class.
My take: go to yoga class to meet everybody, not just women. You can do that at golf or bowling as well, but your odds of finding love are statistically poorer.
Basically join yoga for the right reasons. For example if you do martial arts and you want to learn yoga to be flexible people will like that because you're not there for them but to learn to be flexible.
It means choose a thing you actually like. If you are doing something purely to “meet people” you will feel awkward and you’ll come across awkward, wasting your time.
Hang around a place you’d actually want to hang around if people were there or not, that way there is no pressure to socialize. Nothing kills natural human interaction like forcing it. Where would you actually genuinely want to be during your free time? This can even be stuff like gaming, movies, your passions, you can turn anything into a social activity. That way you’ll be genuine and the people around you have common interests. Would you really wanna take free time to do your favorite thing with a completely random stranger who doesn’t actually have any interest in it? I know it’s harsh but think of it like that. IMO this applies to meeting ppl in general dating and friends
[removed]
I only go to yoga as established date activities with women I’ve already met (via apps). There are guys who hit on every single woman there and then bounce when no one is interested. So my advice is when you go to these classes, maybe don’t do that until you find someone who seems likely to reciprocate.
Women do not seem to want men who act primarily to get women because it seems inauthentic.
no its because it shows desperation. Desperate people seem to have nothing to offer.
Itbmakes sense because the women arent going to yoga to get a date they are going to do yoga and if you are only there because you want a date they are going to get annoyed with you real fast and you wont get a date with any of them. If you decide you want to pick up a new hobby that just so happens to be a hobby that many women also have that takes place in group setting then you already have a thing in common instead of you being a dude pretending to have a common hobby with women to increase your chances of getting laid.
I go to yoga and there are a ton of men who have a dedicated yoga practice, plenty of male teachers as well. This has been consistent in the few yoga studios I’ve been a member at over the years. There are creeps too, but yeah they’re easy to spot and don’t usually keep going.
the key is to not force it, because forcing it doesn't work. doing yoga isn't guaranteed to get you a girlfriend, but it will help you meet women. you need to let the relationships with the women happen naturally rather than chase something that isn't there.
I think it means if your going just hook up and your a dude it’s going to show
Tbh it's probably just easier to looksmax
People just phrase it poorly. I think it’s totally fine to sign up for activities with the hope that single girls will be there. But once you’re there, give the activity a sincere try. That’s all.
For example I got into guitar almost entirely to impress women. But I did sincerely try to learn it, and it ended up becoming a hobby that was rewarding for its own sake. This is true for almost anything.
The key problem is advising to join a hobby you would never otherwise enjoy.
You need to join a group that is about a hobby you genuinely like and do it first-of-all to enjoy what you like, and do it to meet people who share your real interests.
Therefore, you are not going just to look for a date (which other people sense and it makes them uneasy), but you are going because you want to share your love for your hobby/interest with other people who also do.
At worst, you’ll have a good time and make some platonic friends- both men and women. This will improve your general social skills and emotional well being.
At best, and the hope is, you meet a woman who is also sharing your hobby interests and you have genuine chemistry and enjoy connecting with her over that shared interest.
Once you meet a woman who shares a mutual hobby or interest, who has potential mutual chemistry, you can see if you both have compatible life goals/lifestyle, compatible values, etc
nobody's giving you contradictory advice, both statements are reasonable. people aren't dumb. when you join for something for the sole purpose of meeting women, it shows. you dont have to try new things that you would "never otherwise participate in" just to meet women, and it can often appear desperate to do so. when you join something just for the fun of it, you seem genuine and open-minded, and that is what might attract people to you.
It's one of those things that seem contradictory but really isn't. It's fine if your PRIMARY reason for going is to get a girlfriend. Just don't let that be your ONLY reason. Otherwise, you can come off as desperate. I joined a church group a few months back, with the main goal to get a girlfriend. But I made sure that I genuinely connected with people and had other reasons for going. Coincidentally, even though I now do have a girlfriend, not from going to that group ironically, I still go because some of the people there are really cool and I've become friends with a few of them.
Now, as far as getting a girlfriend, there's no perfect method, but I'm going to go against popular convention and say try online dating. Yeah, it has its drawbacks, but one of the good things about it is that everyone knows why everyone else is there, so you don't have to hide why you're there like you do in a lot of offline interactions.
Every single comment here besides like… 2, is missing the point or at least not seeing the bigger picture.
I’m gonna try and explain this the best I can because no one really seems to get it.
“Do something you’re interested in” will never work as advice because you have to be in 1 of 3 potential states when receiving the advice:
You’re already in hobbies where you can meet people, so the advice can be discarded. This means either you’re doing something else wrong or you don’t need it.
You’re not interested in social hobbies meaning that by taking this advice you’re doing it with the motivation of meeting women
You have social hobbies you’re interested in that you’re not doing, so the advice still isn’t necessary because the advice is geared at people wanting to meet women.
It’s impossible to both take the advice and do it for the right reason because the advice hinges on the goal you’re setting in the first place, which is to meet women. It’s a contradiction. Everyone saying it isn’t a contradiction is handwaving the reason the advice is being given in the first place. Even if you change the motivation to “better yourself” you’re still doing bettering yourself for the goal of meeting women so we’ve come full circle, the motivation never actually changes.
It is up to you to learn how to lie. Preferably in a less than malicious way, but to each their own. At a certain point in your adult life it is necessary to ‘keep the peace’ with ‘white lies’. To do otherwise is often TMI, too much information. People can connect the dots, no one wants to hear about your sex goals.
So, go for a yoga girlfriend if you feel compelled to do so, but also think of another reason that is more comfortable to talk about. Just pick whatever other benefit and say that. “I want to stay in shapes” for example.
If you join like a knitting meetup or yoga, you will be sus as hell and it really isn't worth it if you hate doing the hobby because then whenever you fail to find someone (and you almost certainly will fail), then it feels completely like time down the drain.
The actual trick is to take all the hobbies you truly love and want to prioritize like video games that don't really have women and just completely backburner them for a few years. Then take all your C or D-tier hobbies that are popular with women too but you only really care enough to do them like 1-2 times per year and make those front and center for a few years.
Do stuff you like. Meet other people doing stuff you like. Some of them will hopefully be women. You might like some. Some might like you. It’s difficult for a lot of people to do but it’s not that complicated and unfortunately there are no guarantees it will work.
me when the things I like are 98% men and the 2% women. I then have to fight all of these men for the 2% of women. Well sometimes the guys are hot too, but its usually only like 4% of the guys there being hot and I don't want to fight the other gays either.
Honestly dude have you never seen what happens to chicks in like male dominated hobbies, you get the weirdest losers coming out of the woodworks. I don't blame them, a woman being into what they are into is really hot.
If you need to join a yoga class to meet women something is wrong.
>The only reason guys sign up for yoga is to meet women.
This is simply untrue. Yoga is great for the body and mind, I love it
Doublethink has escaped 1984 and entered Reddit
What if dating isn't the only reason to meet women?
I signed uo for yoga because my cousin said it was good for my body problems and she was right.
However, per the advice, it goes like this.
I learned how to sew because I was interested in the hobby. This led to my friend group expanding as I met a lot of women. They became my friends because we had a genuine interest in sewing.
However, if I joined just to meet women, they will eventually be able to tell. The connection simply won't be there, and my friend group isn't going to change as once I consider it a failure, I am just going to leave.
That is what the advice is trying to clarify. Join a hobby for the hobby, not the women. If you enjoy the hobby, people will eventually find common ground with you. This isn't a meet women tip. It's a social interaction tip that works for meeting women, if that is what you want.
Also, even if you don't meet the one, you come out ahead with new enjoyment in a new hobby with new skills, as opposed to not meeting the one and no new skills gained from it.
If you are unwilling to open yourself up to even experiencing new things, finding people is going to be difficult no matter what.
I agree, the title of the post is the worst advice to give to men.
I've joined plenty of hobby clubs prior where I loved the interest or wanted to get to know more - whether it was a class-format gym, pilates, cooking classes, Paint and Picasso (wine and painting), board game clubs etc. and the ratios were always heavily in favour of women. The few women who attended, always either already had boyfriends or married, the remainder were either there just to enjoy the thing and weren't interested in being hit on.
Women get to keep their exclusive women's-only clubs without being hit on, and also get to invade the men's clubs while not being able to not get hit on. Classic example of women having their cake and eating it too.
I’ve done yoga for years as a guy because it feels amazing.
And that’s exactly what it cautions against. You haven’t even tried yet and you’re already making up bullshit stories and expectations while getting upset over the stuff you made up.
Yoga is a great place to meet women. Do not chat up women because you want something in the future like a date, or sex, or a relationship. Just don’t.
Chat up women because you’d enjoy that moment of chatting. If you don’t enjoy that, remind yourself that if you can’t enjoy a spontaneous little chat without any subtext or goals, you got no business trying to date that person.
Ask someone out because you’ve gotten to know them well enough that you think you’d both enjoy the date itself.
Relationships happen because you keep getting together for fun moments until the moments add up to something more. Sex happens when both of you don’t want a moment to end.
Don’t hang around people because you feel like you need access to people to make A happen in order to get to B.
You’re not fooling anyone when your head’s already at some kind of future expectation you want to manifest.
Yoga’s a great place to meet people and enjoy the act of meeting them. The rest is for later and not relevant.
And remember, the time to talk to people is before and after class. You don’t go to disrupt other people’s reason for going.
It’s not contradictory
This whole thread is really goddamn confusing. When you people go to these places (or see others doing so), do you inform everyone around that you’re there to meet people? Why is this even a discussion? It’s called keeping your mouth shut and coming prepared with a normal human response (e.g ‘ I wanted to give yoga a try’). Have you never heard of lying?
As a man who has worked many manual labor jobs, who can probably out party you, and nerd with the best of us, I think you should genuinely try and enjoy yoga. Women or not it is good exercise and stretching if done right.
Do new hobbies to enjoy them, and meet people who share those interests. There is always room to expand your interests. If you want an outward change, you need to change something inside first.
Note that, while you may never have had signed up for yoga otherwise, you may end up actually enjoying it.
What they are saying is to get a life. Thats where you will meet people
Sounds totally legit and understandable to me.
Yoga could provide more physical confidence and stress management, which are attractive, and provides a hobby to connect w women on you meet elsewhere.
it’s common sense if you think about, just use your head
You better be attractive, otherwise you’ll just be that weird/ugly creep that women know is just trying to smash or perceived as the gae guy. 🤷🏿♂️
but what if I am gay? What then?
It makes sense since the person even if they would otherwise not take the class might still see value in the activity as far as exercise stress management mindfulness etc... just that by itself that wasn't enough of a motivation.
Also it's not the only reason for all men. I like yoga and well I'm gay and taken. Although I have only attended a class once with my mom and grandma. Usually I follow YouTube videos.