Los Angeles, CA — As Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem stood before a carefully chosen audience at a lavish Washington hotel ballroom, wearing a glittering, tactical evening gown she enthusiastically described as “combat-chic,” Los Angeles descended into bureaucratic chaos.

Noem, nicknamed “ICE Barbie” by critics for her lavishly taxpayer-funded tactical fashion ensembles, beamed confidently, announcing the Trump administration’s newest immigration enforcement strategy with stunning ease.

“America has closed the loop on immigration today,” Noem declared to polite applause. Her gown, encrusted with rhinestones shaped vaguely like military insignia, cost roughly the same as an armored Humvee. “The only acceptable proof of citizenship is official documentation, which citizens can obtain simply by presenting official documentation proving their citizenship. Foolproof,” she said cheerfully. “Literally foolproof.”

Meanwhile, across Los Angeles, foolproof was exactly what the policy wasn’t. Federal ICE agents, heavily armored and visibly confused, surged through neighborhoods in an effort that immediately went sideways. Echo Park’s renowned vegan bakery was stormed by agents demanding citizenship proof. Finding only oat milk and gluten-free muffins, agents argued among themselves before awkwardly purchasing several dozen pastries to justify their intrusion.

Elsewhere, Special Agent Dale Higgins led his team on an aggressive raid of a dangerous “suspect address,” only to realize he was standing in his own living room.

“Stand down,” Higgins muttered sheepishly to his confused squad. “I appear to have detained myself.” He sighed, cuffing himself gently to his coffee table. “Sorry, everyone, paperwork issues.”

Nearby in Santa Monica, confusion multiplied exponentially. Agents descended upon an apartment complex near the pier, detaining each other for insufficient documentation in a scene straight from a Monty Python sketch.

“Agent Carillo, you have no proof-of-proof,” Agent Simmons announced firmly, handcuffing him. Carillo returned the favor immediately, cuffing Simmons. The entire team stood outside cuffed wrist-to-wrist, awaiting backup already tangled in similar bureaucratic knots elsewhere.

To alleviate growing panic, DHS hurriedly established a citizenship hotline, unwisely contracted through the California DMV after Elon Musk’s notorious budget cuts at USAID. This choice swiftly backfired, as the DMV, famous for inefficiency, collapsed under the new demands. Tasked with managing this impossible bureaucracy was Joseph Heller, a quiet support manager whose main qualification appeared to be an affinity for absurdity and exhaustion.

“Thank you for calling the DHS Citizenship Verification Helpdesk, managed by your friendly neighborhood DMV,” Heller murmured into his headset. “If you already have citizenship proof, press 1. If you need proof, press 2. If pressing 2 didn’t help, press 1 to verify you lack the very proof you called about.” Heller paused, sipping cold coffee. “If none of this makes sense, press 3 and we’ll gladly repeat these instructions indefinitely.”

At checkpoints hastily erected in Griffith Park, desperate residents tried anything to prove their citizenship. Marty Klein nervously presented a signed Nolan Ryan baseball to an exhausted Agent Maria Gutierrez.

“Baseball’s America’s pastime, right?” Klein pleaded. Gutierrez sighed deeply, stamping Klein’s forehead with “CITIZEN.” After a brief hesitation, she stamped her own forehead, “just to be safe.”

With Los Angeles spiraling out of control, constitutional experts swiftly raised alarms about civil rights violations. But President Trump dismissed the outcry on Twitter at 3 a.m.: “NO PAPERS MEANS NO RIGHTS EASY SOLUTION LIBS JUST HATE WINNING ALSO EMAILS!”

This presidential outburst, intended to simplify things, instead caused legal chaos. Federal judges hastily convened emergency hearings, with cases rapidly filed by confused citizens, including Marty Klein, still bearing his forehead stamp, who sued the government for clarity.

Judge Abigail Stone, facing packed benches in a crowded Los Angeles courtroom, rolled her eyes dramatically.

“This DHS policy brilliantly abolishes crime,” she said sarcastically. “By declaring everyone guilty automatically, crime rates plunge to zero overnight. Genius-level tyranny. Congratulations, America.” She dropped her gavel theatrically. “Case dismissed.”

Down the street from the courthouse, bewildered citizens flooded the notorious Hollywood DMV on Cole Avenue, legendary for existential waiting times and Kafkaesque procedures. Rioters waved expired licenses, utility bills, and Disneyland passes at overwhelmed clerks.

Supervisor Stan Milford ducked a flying copy of the Constitution and shouted through his megaphone, “Have you tried just being born again somewhere with better paperwork? Vermont’s lovely this time of year!”

Ironically, DMV inefficiency provided unexpected protection: ICE agents sent to detain undocumented citizens were themselves stranded outside, unable to secure proper paperwork to enter. Agent Elena Lopez, stuck in line behind two hundred angry citizens, checked her watch impatiently.

“I was ordered to raid this building hours ago,” she sighed, “but I forgot my own raid permit form. It’s madness in there.”

ICE’s operational incompetence reached a symbolic low at Beverly Hills’ iconic Hotel California, hastily commandeered as temporary headquarters. Eagles’ “Already Gone” blared ironically from lobby speakers as trapped agents scrawled frantic messages, “HELP” and “SEND PIZZA,” on hotel windows overlooking Sunset Boulevard.

Agent Mike Fallon leaned from a balcony toward hovering news helicopters.

“We’re negotiating release terms with ourselves!” he shouted frantically. “But no one trusts anyone. Please, send help and extra pepperoni!”

The bureaucratic nightmare climaxed spectacularly at Mar-a-Lago, as two nervous ICE agents confronted President Trump mid-golf swing. “Sir, your papers?” one asked timidly. Trump exploded furiously, tweeting from his golf cart, “OBAMA DID THIS LONG FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATES ARE FAKE EVERYONE KNOWS IT VERY UNFAIR EMAILS!”

As dusk settled, nationwide protests erupted, but Kristi Noem remained perfectly cheerful during a Fox News interview, now wearing combat-themed stilettos and a tactical tiara.

“We’re innovating the Constitution,” she reassured viewers calmly. “Rights are more manageable when downsized. Think of this as constitutional recycling.”

Back at the overwhelmed DMV helpdesk, Joseph Heller finally paused, eating a sandwich quietly beside Stan Milford amid piles of citizenship paperwork. Milford shook his head wearily.

“Why’d you ever agree to manage this chaos, Joseph?”

Heller smiled softly.

“Absurdity pays better these days than novels,” he replied, “and the benefits aren’t bad. But really, it’s the entertainment.” He gestured toward a growing mountain of forms and bewildered citizens. “Sometimes reality really does write itself.”

Milford laughed weakly, stamping random documents without looking.

“You know, Joe, we might actually save people from deportation this way. Who knew bureaucratic incompetence could protect democracy?”

“Kafka,” Heller replied thoughtfully. “Kafka knew.”