So it's christmas and I’m here to make a serious allegation, I have reason to believe Santa Claus is a pedophile.

Yes, THAT Santa Claus.

Exhibit A: The Lyrics

You know the line:

• “He sees you when you’re sleeping”
• “He knows when you’re awake”
  
• “He knows when you’ve been bad or good”

People say it’s just a cute message for kids to behave, but consider the alternate interpretation:

• That sounds like an old guy stalking children.
• He’s explicitly saying he watches them sleep.
• And calling them “bad boys and girls", I mean you cannot tell me that doesn't sound like some weird fetish shit.

Exhibit B: The Presents

Now the gifts. you’re telling me this isn’t suspicious? Does it not scream NEO FREE CANDY VAN? It's literally just bait to get the trust of the kids!

• Random old man shows up.
• Gives kids rewards.
• For “being good”.

That's not adding up.

Exhibit C: The Grooming

He goes to malls and has kids sit on his LAP while bumping their crotch with his knee for free stuff?!? Asking them if they've been "naughty"... NAUGHTY... Doing this year after YEAR after YEAR their whole childhood, grooming them. Even getting the parents knowingly or not involved in said grooming. How have you guys not put 2 and 2 together yet?

Exhibit D: The Elves

And finally… the elves, let’s ignore the obvious:

• potential child labor
• potential slave labor

And focus on the real question:

• Why elves?
• Specifically small elves?

I mean guys do I need to go ON and ON... I rest my case.