My husband and I have been together since we were 22. We’re now 30 (me) and 31 (him) and we’ve been married for 4 years. I’m mostly here to vent but also looking for perspective because I feel stuck and exhausted.
We’ve been having ongoing relationship issues mostly around communication and emotional connection. When he’s frustrated he’ll roll his eyes at me or at things I say. When I tell him that bothers me he minimizes it and acts like it’s not a big deal.
He never wants to talk about his feelings. When I try to bring up things that are bothering me in our relationship he says I’m being “extra” or that I’m giving him a headache. When I ask if he understands what I’m saying he brushes it off.
I’ve asked him directly what he needs in our relationship l and he always says he doesn’t need anything else. If I apologize things are fine. But when I ask him for an apology he’ll say it in a mocking or joking tone. When I explain that it doesn’t feel genuine he insists that it was genuine and doesn’t understand why I’m upset.
When I try to have real conversations about our problems he just sits there silently. I ask him to share how he feels or respond to what I’ve said and he always says "I don’t know what you want me to say or do.” It’s incredibly draining to constantly prompt him, feed him answers, and still feel unseen and unheard.
I’ve tried setting boundaries but he continues to ignore them. Recently I told him that if things don’t start to change I’m not sure we should stay together. His response was just “Okay.”
That response honestly broke me. I feel like I’m trying so hard to work on our relationship, communicate, and grow and he’s giving nothing back or doesn’t see any of this as worth addressing.
Where to go from here?
Hello SnooAdvice4712,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: My husband and I have been together since we were 22. We’re now 30 (me) and 31 (him) and we’ve been married for 4 years. I’m mostly here to vent but also looking for perspective because I feel stuck and exhausted.
We’ve been having ongoing relationship issues mostly around communication and emotional connection. When he’s frustrated he’ll roll his eyes at me or at things I say. When I tell him that bothers me he minimizes it and acts like it’s not a big deal.
He never wants to talk about his feelings. When I try to bring up things that are bothering me in our relationship he says I’m being “extra” or that I’m giving him a headache. When I ask if he understands what I’m saying he brushes it off.
I’ve asked him directly what he needs in our relationship l and he always says he doesn’t need anything else. If I apologize things are fine. But when I ask him for an apology he’ll say it in a mocking or joking tone. When I explain that it doesn’t feel genuine he insists that it was genuine and doesn’t understand why I’m upset.
When I try to have real conversations about our problems he just sits there silently. I ask him to share how he feels or respond to what I’ve said and he always says "I don’t know what you want me to say or do.” It’s incredibly draining to constantly prompt him, feed him answers, and still feel unseen and unheard.
I’ve tried setting boundaries but he continues to ignore them. Recently I told him that if things don’t start to change I’m not sure we should stay together. His response was just “Okay.”
That response honestly broke me. I feel like I’m trying so hard to work on our relationship, communicate, and grow and he’s giving nothing back or doesn’t see any of this as worth addressing.
Where to go from here?
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It sounds like he has a hard time emoting. Have either of you tried therapy?
I have but he hasn't. I've brought up the idea but he always seems so unsure of it.
I was in a similar marriage years ago and I went to therapy, even though he wouldn't. We separated and eventually divorced. There were other issues, but the fact that a 30+ year old man couldn't talk about his feelings was a big one.
Is he willing to see a counselor to talk about things with an impartial mediator? It doesn’t sound like he’s being respectful, seeking to understand why you feel the way that you do, or offering any kind of validation.
I'll try to bring up counseling again. See how it goes.