Hello MsGetaClue,

You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.

Original post: I’m a [23F] who has been dating a [23M] for five years. He’s genuinely kind, patient, warm, and deeply caring. There’s no obvious unhealthy behaviour in our relationship, and I feel safe and respected with him. Still, for many months now, I’ve had a persistent sense that something fundamental isn’t aligned. I can’t tell whether this reflects true incompatibility or whether my anxious tendencies are causing me to doubt a good relationship. To preface I struggle with my mental health a lot and have had a really rough time growing up so I struggle to know what a good and fulfilling relationship really looks like? I’m guessing mostly.

The relationship often feels emotionally under-stimulating and uneven. I carry the majority of the mental and emotional load — planning dates and trips, initiating new experiences, keeping track of logistics, and maintaining momentum. If I ask him to do something directly, he’s usually happy to do it, but initiative rarely comes from him. Without my effort, we tend to fall into a comfortable but stagnant routine of staying in, watching shows, and ordering food. I don’t want a caretaker dynamic, and I don’t want to feel like the caretaker either. When I bring up the topic of dates or feeling like he doesn’t try enough he uses finances as an excuse and when I say free dates exist it’s like that’s too much effort for him to bother doing. We both work full time so maybe I’m just being too expecting idk.

While he is emotionally regulated and handles conflict calmly, he is generally low-energy and passive. He seldom takes the lead in problem-solving or brings a sense of drive, curiosity, or spark into the relationship. His shyness and reservedness/nonchalant attitude to me just seem to lack passion. I’ve clearly expressed that I need more engagement, follow-through, and aliveness from him. He listens, understands, and says he’s trying — but there has been little meaningful change.

I also struggle with a sense of intellectual disconnect. I’m deeply interested in topics like politics, culture, art, and current events, but when I try to engage him in these conversations, he often has little to contribute. He isn’t dismissive; he just seems tired, disengaged, or uninterested. Over time, this leaves me feeling lonely in that part of myself and aware that I’m dimming or shrinking aspects of who I am to fit the relationship.

What makes this especially difficult is that he truly is a good person, and being with him often feels comforting, affectionate, and safe. I love him. And yet, I don’t feel fulfilled. I feel like I’m expending significant emotional effort while simultaneously suppressing parts of myself, and my needs still aren’t being met. When I imagine continuing this dynamic long-term or building a future and family together, I feel a sense of heaviness and sadness. At the same time, the idea of ending the relationship brings grief as well because I do love him and he’s my first love. The thought of seeing him with another woman breaks my heart, but I can’t help but simultaneously want to see other people myself? It’s so confusing and it makes me feel so guilty. I’d never cheat but the thoughts alone are awful to have I know.

We’ve had many open and honest conversations about these concerns. He says he understands, but he’s unsure whether he can become the partner I’m hoping for. Because I have OCD tendencies, I worry that I may be fixating on shortcomings or expecting too much. Still, these feelings have been consistent for months and haven’t faded. I’m getting older and I want to figure out what to do with my life, I’m scared I may not find something more aligned.

Has anyone experienced something similar: being with a loving, kind partner who still didn’t meet their emotional or intellectual needs? How did you know when it was time to walk away? And how did you cope with the fear of making the wrong decision or the grief of leaving someone who isn’t “wrong,” but simply not quite right?

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Yeah I've been him, he's checked out. Ask him if he even wants the relationship. Just the fact he's not interested in anything you say, like a relationship can't work that way. Especially as you've communicated multiple times, it's maybe time to think about ending it if this is not what you want as it probably won't change.

First of all, i think it’s important for you not to minimise your feelings because you have OCD. If you feel unsatisfied and unhappy, there is a reason why you feel that way and a caring partner should make an effort to make you feel better. We can’t know why he is not making an effort if he himself doesn’t tell you, but it does seem a bit concerning.