I [34F] and have been with my partner [32M] for about five years. We’re both avid gamers, play together regularly, and both go to conventions regularly.
At issue are two different Discord servers.
My partner has a gaming server with his friends and their partners that he plays in regularly. I was never invited to this server, even though there's overlap in the games we play together, and gaming is something we do together. I have consistently told him over the last year or so that it makes me feel left out that other partners get to be in there and they can share games together, but I'm not invited.
Separately, he and his friends created a new Discord server just for planning an upcoming convention: MAGfest. I was invited to this one initially, and that’s where planning for lodging and logistics was happening with him and his friends. We all did the hotel lottery together, discussed lockers and travel arrangements, etc. Then a couple days ago, we had an argument about the initial gaming server where I again brought up feeling excluded from that server. He decided as a result of that conflict to remove me from the MAGfest server, because apparently it didn't make any different inviting me to the planning server if I was still going to feel left out of the other one.
I was very hurt but ultimately I'm not going to fight to be in a group where I'm not wanted. I told him that it was sad that we won't be doing MAGfest together and that I would be trying to find a different person to share my room with. But now he’s saying that we always had plans to go to MAGFest together regardless of the group server, and that he was planning for us to still stay together. And if I decide I don’t want to share a room anymore, that’s ME canceling our plans - not him.
For me, even though yes it's obviously possible for us to still share a room, sharing a room now would mean going to the same event while he stays fully involved in a group planning space with his friends that I’ve been explicitly removed from. I don’t feel comfortable showing up as a partner in that situation, and it doesn’t feel honest to pretend this is the same "going together" we originally planned.
I’m not trying to punish him or force him to choose between me and his friends. I just genuinely don’t feel okay sharing a room or attending as a couple under these circumstances. When I tried to to explain that to him, the conversation turned into semantics and technicalities. He's framing it as me backing out by choice, while I feel like his actions created a situation that’s emotionally unsafe for me where I'll sidelined at a 4-day convention.
How can I hold my ground here, try to have a good time, while still honoring our relationship, my commitments, and generally not making things worse?
TLDR - My [34F] boyfriend [32M] removed me from a group MAGFest planning server but still wants us to share a room, and says it's on me for "canceling" our plans if I don’t want to room together.
Hello throwawaybftherapy,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: I [34F] and have been with my partner [32M] for about five years. We’re both avid gamers, play together regularly, and both go to conventions regularly.
At issue are two different Discord servers.
My partner has a gaming server with his friends and their partners that he plays in regularly. I was never invited to this server, even though there's overlap in the games we play together, and gaming is something we do together. I have consistently told him over the last year or so that it makes me feel left out that other partners get to be in there and they can share games together, but I'm not invited.
Separately, he and his friends created a new Discord server just for planning an upcoming convention: MAGfest. I was invited to this one initially, and that’s where planning for lodging and logistics was happening with him and his friends. We all did the hotel lottery together, discussed lockers and travel arrangements, etc. Then a couple days ago, we had an argument about the initial gaming server where I again brought up feeling excluded from that server. He decided as a result of that conflict to remove me from the MAGfest server, because apparently it didn't make any different inviting me to the planning server if I was still going to feel left out of the other one.
I was very hurt but ultimately I'm not going to fight to be in a group where I'm not wanted. I told him that it was sad that we won't be doing MAGfest together and that I would be trying to find a different person to share my room with. But now he’s saying that we always had plans to go to MAGFest together regardless of the group server, and that he was planning for us to still stay together. And if I decide I don’t want to share a room anymore, that’s ME canceling our plans - not him.
For me, even though yes it's obviously possible for us to still share a room, sharing a room now would mean going to the same event while he stays fully involved in a group planning space with his friends that I’ve been explicitly removed from. I don’t feel comfortable showing up as a partner in that situation, and it doesn’t feel honest to pretend this is the same "going together" we originally planned.
I’m not trying to punish him or force him to choose between me and his friends. I just genuinely don’t feel okay sharing a room or attending as a couple under these circumstances. When I tried to to explain that to him, the conversation turned into semantics and technicalities. He's framing it as me backing out by choice, while I feel like his actions created a situation that’s emotionally unsafe for me where I'll sidelined at a 4-day convention.
How can I hold my ground here, try to have a good time, while still honoring our relationship, my commitments, and generally not making things worse?
TLDR - My [34F] boyfriend [32M] removed me from a group MAGFest planning server but still wants us to share a room, and says it's on me for "canceling" our plans if I don’t want to room together.
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Sis why are you staying with an overgrown goddamned manbaby who lashes out when you express how his actions hurt you and pretty clearly doesn't like you as much as you like him.
This is not how we treat people we love. You can do better
Your partner does not respect or like you very much. Why are you with someone like that?
Is this a common occurrence? As in, is he always this dismissive when you try to have serious discussions about your feelings and boundaries, regardless of the context?
You've already brought up multiple times that you feel excluded, yet he hasn't made any effort to include you. Has he explained why you aren't invited to the original server? It seems weird to me that someone would let his partner of five years be sidelined for a whole ass year, especially since you have common gaming interests. Have you met any of them in person? Could there be someone in the group that dislikes you for any reason? If so, he should be up front about this so you can potentially clear up any misunderstandings or unresolved tension.
You should be the obvious choice. You don't seem controlling - hell, you seem overly understanding to me. You're supposed to be the one person he wants to spend the entire rest of his life with but instead of supporting you he's throwing this back at you as a consequence of your actions, while holding zero accountability for his own.
You need to have a serious discussion with him (if he's capable...) about your future together, especially if this is a pattern. Consider whether you're willing to be sidelined for the rest of your life. If you're not, then something needs to change.
Thank you for the long thoughtful answer.
Yes, in general, he can be dismissive or defensive when we try to have serious discussions about my feelings. To the point where now we both have "scripts" to run though so that we don't fall into situations where we argue over how we argue instead of the underlying issues. He self-describes as "low empathy" so it's definitely something we are actively working on. I'm working on sharing only my feelings without "you" language or any inkling of blame, and he's working on validating them instead of litigating facts immediately.
Yes, the reason I'm not invited to the main server is that he prefers to keep his social circles separate. It's not just me. He also doesn't want any friend groups to mix with any other friend groups. He'd prefer to have separate unique interactions with each group / person and when people do interact, he prefers for them to go through him as the nexus only.
The friends don't live in our same city. I've only seen them at conventions and they've been nice to me. One of them (she's the owner of both of the servers in question) even said she wishes she could get to know me better at some point. And when I thanked her for letting me be in the MAGfest planning server during the period when I was still in that server, she said "oh you're welcome anytime!" I don't think I've interacted enough with any of them for them to have any feelings about me whatsoever.
I'm not willing to be sidelined forever. It sucks and having silo'd relationship groups doesn't match my values. I won't make a value judgment about it generally as being good or bad, but I know it's not compatible with how I do things. I'm still fighting this fight and have been for over a year because I don't want to break up, because I care for him. I just want to be included.
Sorry but you won't be included. Nothing is going to change, and you're going to be a silo'd side character in your boyfriend's life forever. This is definitely a leap in logic, but god forbid you ever get married or have a kid, who knows how he's going to handle inviting different friend groups and how they will interact. I know that might not be what either of you want, but his fundamental reluctance to let his worlds touch is incompatible with how you want to live your life it sounds like.
I say this as someone who is bitterly in the exact same situation, just married and too tangled up now to figure out what to do next. You can care for someone but be bad for each other. What you want is normal.
I'm sorry you're in the same situation. But further along it sounds like.
Have you been silo'd off from your partner's social groups despite being married? How do you handle holidays and such?
I know Reddit likes to pick up pitchforks and jump on the "dump him" bandwagon, but I understand why you want to work through things.
Just curious - has your boyfriend been tested for something like autism? Struggling with empathy, control issues, distress when plans change, narrow interest in certain topics/hobbies - they're all ways in which my autism presents.
I can understand not mixing friendship groups. I have friendship groups that I believe would not get along with each other for lack of common interests. However - again, you are his PARTNER. And you have been for five years. Does he have any friends that you hang out with as well, or are you completely isolated from all of his social circles?
For example - I am friends with almost all of my husband's friends. And I will still attend social events with the ones I'm not personally friends with, because my husband enjoys my company above everyone else's and wants me included in all aspects of his life.
Like admiral_tuff said - You can care for someone but be bad for each other. If he's willing to work through it that's fine, but you need to see consistent results, otherwise it's just empty promises and placation. You may want to consider involving a professional counsellor to help you both express yourselves in a constructive way.
No we don't really have mutual friends like that. I have a lot of different social circles that I regularly bring together and I used to always invite him to those gatherings until he said he didn't really care for them. (He would still be invited if he wanted to start coming out again)
At this point, vis a vis the friend thing, what do you think "consistent results" should look like?