We have been together for a few months now. Up until 2 months ago our sex life was relatively normal. This was around the time I agreed to try anal once for him. Since then he refuses to have any kind of vaginal sex. He says my IUD hurts too much, it feels gross to him, and he just prefers the back entrance. I bleed for days afterwards and it is not enjoyable for me. He knows this and doesn’t seem to care. I have stood my ground on not doing it anymore, because I don’t want to end up in the hospital. Over the past few weeks he has gotten very demanding for it. I feel bad for withholding sex but he hasn’t left me with many options. Would this be a sexual compatibility thing or something more serious?
Hello Visual-Square-1711,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: We have been together for a few months now. Up until 2 months ago our sex life was relatively normal. This was around the time I agreed to try anal once for him. Since then he refuses to have any kind of vaginal sex. He says my IUD hurts too much, it feels gross to him, and he just prefers the back entrance. I bleed for days afterwards and it is not enjoyable for me. He knows this and doesn’t seem to care. I have stood my ground on not doing it anymore, because I don’t want to end up in the hospital. Over the past few weeks he has gotten very demanding for it. I feel bad for withholding sex but he hasn’t left me with many options. Would this be a sexual compatibility thing or something more serious?
Friendly note from the mods:
Hello, welcome to r/relationshipadvice. We want to remind our users of the following:
• We do not allow situations/content involving people who are under the age of 18.
• Do not harass, ridicule, or be toxic toward other people. It will result in a ban.
• Any advice given must be genuine and ethical.
• Posts must be about ongoing relationships, not past or potential relationships.
• All bans on the subreddit are permanent.
If you have any questions, please contact ModMail.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Please break up with him. He's pressuring you into sex acts you're not comfortable with and shames ypu for saying no. He violates your boundaries because he's selfish.
This is something EXTREMELY MORE SERIOUS OP, and borders on assault.
Dawg what. Bleeding is NOT normal, even for anal.
I’ve read also that you have chrohns. He should not be doing this, and if he gave even 2% of a shit about you, knowing he’s making you bleed, affecting your flare ups, and making you uncomfortable, he would never ask for this again.
This can damage your body even without the crohns. Ask me how I know…..
My Partner asked me to try a few times when we were getting into Deep in the relationship. I did not enjoy It, It was painful and It made me cry almost instantly. He was far from mad, but concerned. He tried to reassure me, conforted me, asked if I had some trauma or something that I was not confortable with, if I would share...and never insisted or asked me to try It again. A person Who cares and loves you, dont want to see you suffering and crying. They want you moaning in pleasure and enjoyment. She needs to run away from that Psycho.
Oof. Even worse if she’s got an AUTOIMMUNE disease affecting her digestive system. Yikes. Op needs to ditch this dude YESTERDAY.
No one who loves you would want you to have sex that causes you pain and bleeding.
In fact? No one who loves you would want you to have any kind of sex that wasn’t intensely PLEASURABLE FOR YOU.
It sounds like he’s trying to coerce you, run like your tampon is on fire!
On top of what everyone else is saying— he physically cannot feel the IUD. The IUD goes past/through the cervix into the uterus. He cannot go past the cervix. If he really can feel anything, somethings shifted and you need to go to a doctor and have it checked. (Or at the very least they didn’t cut the strings short enough and you need to go get it cut again.)
Even if they haven’t cut it short enough, your natural internal body heat softens the string. It’s literally impossible for him to feel it. Even if it has shifted it’s not possible for it to naturally fall lower than the cervix. I feel like he is manipulating you by saying this and trying to turn it onto you and make you feel bad.
If they haven’t cut the string long enough it can definitely be felt, both my partner and i could feel it. Easy fix though
Nope if you cut them short then they will be pokey still, where as you leave them kinda long and overtime the moisture will soften the strings. (Idk how long it has been since you have had one but I got mine last year. And that's what my gyno said.)
I don’t have an iud, i went “they can feel that? I thought that was physically impossible??” And thats the answers google gave me 😅
Ohhh that's fair yeah thats what my gyno told me hehe so my strings I kinda long but you would have to be very deep inside to feel them. But the gyno normally tucks them up a little to the sides so you don't feel embarrassed when you get a straight shot lol
I'm not in your bedroom, so I can't say for sure....but it's likely somewhere between coersion or sexual assault....or even rape if it forces you to do it.
Why are you with this brute? What part of this makes you feel loved and treasured?
Because he wasn’t like this for the first 8 months of the relationship.
But it is now…
I’m sorry, OP. He is not a good partner. He is showing you who he is.
This doesn't explain why you're still with him now.
People change. It happens. He clearly doesn't care about your needs anymore.
So let me tell you my story.
I was dating Prince Charming. The absolute kindest, sweetest person ever. No red flags, nothing. My friends and family adored him.
I moved in with him a year later. Once I moved in, then came the verbal abuse. Then the sexual coercion. Then the physical abuse. Sides of him I never thought I’d see. I had a hard time leaving because I I couldn’t reconcile the person I fell in love with, that was just an act, with the person he actually is.
Would you want your best friend to go through a life of anal fissures, hemorrhoids, fecal incontinence, all for her boyfriend? Of needing to carry extra pairs of undies in case she poops herself in public or extra pads to stop the bleeding when she’s out and about? Of feeling like her boyfriend doesn’t listen to her or care about her comfort? Or would you tell her to leave?
Edit: As others have said, the only way he could feel your IUD is if there is a string issue. A trip to the GYN will clear that up.
It sounds like you are taking up for someone who is a selfish prick. Be good to yourself. You deserve better.
Well he is now, since the honeymoon period is over. Don't allow anyone to cause harm to you. Love doesn't require that.
That just means he's finally comfortable enough to show you who he really is.
Let me put it this way - pretend a friend has just told you your exact same story. What would you tell them to do?
You're still very young. There's nothing wrong with walking away from someone with zero respect for your boundaries, and zero care for your mental and physical well-being. You didn't fail, and it's not a waste - IF you do what's right for you sooner rather than later. Close this chapter and understand your new boundaries for your next relationship.
He’s lying about the IUD. He’s only using you for that and I’m willing to bet he’s probably a closeted gay man.
I took a look at his search history and it’s mostly pegging porn. Not sure if he gay but it’s definitely a weird kink for him.
Well, anal sex is not safe for either of you. Risk of STD is high for him and there will be some very unpleasant complications for you later on if it continues (worse than bleeding).
I would have a serious conversation about it with him. If he doesn't listen that just might be his kink and you should reconsider this relationship. This is not something to compromise over. Put yourself first.
The std risk is zero because I get tested regularly and we are monogamous. He knows the risks and isn’t bothered.
Well in this case he is being selfish and only cares about his pleasure so you have to ask yourself, are you happy ? If sexual life is important to you, currently you feel no pleasure with a partner who refuses to adjust, I think you know the answer.
You both are young, maybe he just doesn't care all that much about this relationship ? I obviously don't know you, but if my partner told me she doesn't like something that I do during sex, I would change it.
It is never 0.
….As a nursing student…unless you’re exposed through sexual contact or blood it is zero.
As a Registered Nurse who actually passed her boards, I work with your age group regularly. There are many "monogamous" couples that find out they got an STD from their not-so-monogamous now partners. Even with protection, you never have 100% chance of preventing STDs. You're being young and naive. I won't fault you for it, but you should know absolutes do not exist in medicine. They are not wrong that it's more likely to get an STD through anal sex because the lining of the rectum is incredibly thin. Regardless, you should break up with this loser! :)
Get your money back from nursing school lmao.
You can get some stds from sharing products like razors or towels. Taking a sip from a friend’s drink can lead to herpes. Skin-to-skin contact in various forms (not always sexual) can spread some STDs. Even contaminated food/water can spread hepatitis.
Razors- blood contact. Scabies and crabs aren’t usually transmitted through anal sex nor the type of STDs I would be worried about. And I’m fully vaccinated for hepatitis. Zero risk.
It’s amazing how much you can stick up for yourself now in the comments of people trying to help you, yet when your bf is pressuring you into doing something painful and damaging that you don’t want to do, you turn wilting flower.
They’re always like this! This man is literally tearing up her anus and she’s so helpless but arguing back and forth about petty shit. Chile please!! She needs to have that same energy with him!
You are 100% right. Searching the comments for the correct phrase that she can tell him so he “understands” to not hurt her but arguing like a lawyer in the comments of people trying to help her. Crazy work🫠 hopefully she’ll grow out of it when she matures and leaves him. I’ve got my fingers crossed
He understands he just doesn’t care! That’s it but she’s hung up on him “the first 8 months”. That’s man pretended to be what she wanted to get her to let her guard down. Hopefully she will leave but if she let it get this far and she has Crohn’s disease-I doubt it.
Did you read the post? I’ve stood my ground about the no anal stuff. The post isn’t asking if he’s in the wrong, it’s asking if it’s more than just a compatibility issue.
No standing your ground is LEAVING. He’s a deviant and you’re enabling it. Nobody compatible with a sexual deviant besides others like him. No man is compatible to be with when hurt and pain of his partner doesn’t register in his mind over his pleasures. Nah you want answers on how to explain what doesn’t need to be explained to grown ass man who doesn’t care. Be done with him and love yourself more so that you don’t go through some bss like this again!
You can get herpes with a condom.. herpes can stay dormant for years and randomly trigger..
Why are you being so combative?
.... If he cheats you can get an STD that is not a 0 risk. He is ripping your asshole and causing cuts. If he has an STD you will get one. Did you see a test from him?
I don’t believe you’re a nursing student
exposed through blood…isnt he making you bleed??
How do you know with irrefutable, 100% certainty that he is monogamous? I could say I’m a hippopotamus, but it ain’t true.
If he doesn’t care that you’re being injured by this then he doesn’t care about you.
Some people with Crohns can do anal but some just can’t.
You’re also not withholding sex - you’re refusing a specific sex act. You’re not saying “buy me things or you don’t get sex” or using it to manipulate him. You’re refusing to put your comfort and health as the price for his preference.
He can't feel your IUD, by the way, unless it's poking out, which would make you go into labor-like contractions. He's just lying. If he could feel anything at all , it might be the strings, but he's absolutely lying about being in pain from your IUD 'poking' him.
You know what's not a lie? Your pain and bleeding during anal, which he doesn't seem to care about. He's fucking disgusting and manipulative. He expects you to do anal because of his lies that vaginal sex hurts him, but is okay with you having painful sex and bleeding, and potentially developing fissures. Fuck him. If he loved you , he'd care about your pain and wouldn't be using you as a masturbation toy.
Also , you ALWAYS have the option to not have sex. "He hasn't given me many options", you ALWAYS have an option. If he is throwing tantrums and making your life unbearable when you say no, that's called using coercive control to get sex, a form of rape.
Tell IRL friends what he's doing to you, even if it's embarrassing. This is not normal and you don't deserve this, no matter how much you love him.
Wtf. I honestly feel for you, theres tons I could say but I don't think it hasn't already been said. Get rid of that prick immediately... I mean it.
Reframe that shit because his selfish take is skewing your thoughts. You ARE NOT withholding sex.
You are protecting YOURSELF FROM HARM.
You're bleeding for days after. That is NOT normal.
You have only been with him for a couple of months. This is no ride or die relationship. We all have memories of shitty relationships we had in our 20s. Let this guy be one of yours.
This sounds like sexual abuse
Definitely a compatibility issue. Don't do something you're uncomfortable with, and don't feel pressured. If he doesn't stop asking, definitely find someone you click with a bit more. Your health and safety matter more than his preferences.
This is much more than a “compatibility issue.”
This is him trying to coerce her into having sex that she doesn’t want to have.
Don’t minimize please.
100% agree, and didn't mean to minimize. Its something that's relationship ending for sure.
I’m only half awake at 6am on this Sunday, lol, so I was a little touchy.
This just really broke my heart to read and I want OP to see this for exactly what it is.
Tbh I think I was just trying to be gentle but I'm also half awake 😭 no hard feelings
Men with small penises don’t feel enough friction in a vagina. They insist on anal because it makes them feel like a big man… also if he has a porn kink he may enjoy the idea he’s hurting you with his “massiveness”. Sounds like an absolute prick.
Selfish.
Ditch him. You don’t owe him shit
As a man with a small penis I disagree. I vastly prefer vaginal sex to anal sex because anal sex just straight up doesnt feel as good. Tight right around the opening and then next to nothing after that. It's almost like the vagina is better suited for sex or something.
But I do think you hit the nail on the head. Home boy doesnt know how to make OP scream during regular sex. The excuse about the IUD is bunk. You can get jabbed by the string sometimes (I've had it happen multiple times with my wife) but it doesnt happen often and when it does it's honestly it's not the worst thing ever Hurts like hell for a little bit but you just gotta call a quick time out and get back in the game. No biggie.
Get away from this man. He is disgusting that he’s pressuring you. You should never feel the need to do any acts you don’t want to do.
Also, his reason for not wanting vaginal sex are bullshit. It sounds like he’s only saying those things to trick and pressure you. Please dump him.
I just want you to know if he coerces you into anal sex that is a form of interrelationship rape. He is being a bad person for the way he is treating you. You both should both be an enthusiastic yes on what you're doing because that's consent. You're young and you can find someone you're more compatible with that'll respect your boundaries.
If you are not comfortable with something.As a partner he should respect your decision.Even tough you get convinced and do whatever he says .But deep down it will be there inside that you don't wanted to but he convinced me by making faces or off response.so be sure what you want to and what you don't boundaries should be set
This is extremely disturbing and abusive. You are not withholding sex by saying no, you are saying no and no one should emotionally manipulate or pressure you into consent. Please leave this man.
Bleeding isn't normal. What is he doing to you? Dump him.
Get. Out.
Girl, run.
He makes you bleed? I'm sorry but what kind of insane are you? This sounds like a major incompatibility where neither one of you can be happy if the other gets what they want. Relationships don't have to be this way.
Demanding it is a clear red flag from him. Boundaries should be respected in a relationship, and sexual boundaries are the most important ones a person can have
I’m sure it feels like so many other things in your relationship works, but him saying anything about you is gross sex wise, and you having let him manipulate you into anal, will have already caused long term mental trauma. I promise you, he’s not the one for you. Do you want to continue to get damaged emotionally and physically, so that the person who is right for you has to deal with that baggage and try to fix you? Do you want to have to unpack this current relationship and the trauma it has caused in expensive therapy? No. Don’t do that to yourself. You wouldn’t let a friend continue to suffer this way.
My partner prefers anal but he understands that most times I’m not in the mood for it bc it is painful and thankfully he understands that and we do vaginal sex. What’s concerning is that your partner isn’t being understanding and this seems like he’s forcing you to do anal and won’t take no for an answer. The relationship shouldn’t be like this so definitely talk to him and set boundaries or leave him OP.
this actually sound very rapey 😖 please leave him!!!! it’s not normal to be bleeding if you’re bleeding it’s signs of your body telling you something not right! of anything it’s probably causing skin damage
You’re not “withholding” sex. That would mean you are refusing sex as a way to punish him or get what you want. Neither of those are true. You’ve set a very fair boundary.
Either he accepts it, or he doesn’t. But him becoming demanding is a bright red flag, and it’s probably time to reconsider the relationship.
Hey, bleeding isn't normal for anal. If you show up to the hospital like that btw, as someone who works in the ER, the cops are getting called and there's gonna be a lot of questions.
I have crohns diease, I bleed during flares even if I don’t engage in anal sex.
[deleted]
I have Crohn’s disease, no amount of lube will make it safe or enjoyable during flares.
[deleted]
Didn’t know it would affect me like this. 🤷♀️
[deleted]