Hello Less-Firefighter-296,

You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.

Original post: Hi everyone. I’m (23F) seeking advice about my girlfriend (21F) not showing regularly & not caring about her physical appearance anymore.

To start off, yes we are lesbians. Second, I am diagnosed with Bipolar & BPD, and my gf has by the book OCD & anxiety/depression. A recurring argument we have is that my girlfriend won’t seek help for her mental health & she at times triggers my mood swings due to this.

Backstory: When I first met my girlfriend almost three years ago, I fell in love with her so quick. She’s stuck by my side during a mental hospital stay, and figuring out my medications. Through this she’s seen and dealt with so much from me, and I will forever be grateful for what she’s done for me. Truly she has saved my life.

Fast forward to now. I am so in love with her still but now that I am emotionally maturing, taking my meds (8 months straight), in therapy weekly, going to grad school, and getting promoted at work. I am starting to notice how her mental health is truly triggering me and my progress. She is intelligent, and naturally beautiful, but she refuses to shave any of her pubic hair (won’t even trim it unless I force her to), won’t get rid of her unibrow (unless I do it for her), won’t dress in nice clothes (again, unless I purchase the clothes, and lay it out for her), won’t wash her hair (she’s also half black (I’m white) so I’m not super knowledgeable but I do know she has 3b hair, and she’ll go MONTHS without washing it unless I force her to). NOW it’s showering. It’s just got to the point where I don’t even want to eat her out because the last time I get I was met with a vagina that hadn’t been washed in I don’t know how long. It made me sick. And I have never felt like that towards her ever. It makes me so emotional because I love her more than anything. She is my person, and I know mental health is so hard to navigate. But I’m being selfish and I’m fully aware of it. I’m just at a point in my life where I’m taking better care of myself and I NEED her to as well.

Here’s where I need advice. I’ve kindly expressed to her multiple times that she should shower more often, or before we have sex I make sure I’m showered and clean so she will get the hint to do the same. I love having sex with her, but I hate that now the idea of going down on her really grosses me out atm. I’ve even got more aggressive with her about it calling her out for not showering for days, but she acts like she receptive to what I’m say but doesn’t change anything.

I want to stick it out for her, but at the same time she’s not meeting my emotional or physical needs and I don’t know how to be anymore blunt about it. I need advice, someone please help.

Also if I’m being a total asshole, let me know. I really don’t know if my thinking is inconsiderate or if the way I’m handling it is inappropriate, but I’m open to all feedback. Thank yall in advance 😔

Friendly note from the mods:

Hello, welcome to r/relationshipadvice. We want to remind our users of the following:

• We do not allow situations/content involving people who are under the age of 18.

• Do not harass, ridicule, or be toxic toward other people. It will result in a ban.

• Any advice given must be genuine and ethical.

• Posts must be about ongoing relationships, not past or potential relationships.

• All bans on the subreddit are permanent.

If you have any questions, please contact ModMail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

For the sake of your relationship, go to a couples therapist. At the very least. If she won’t even do that, the writing is on the wall.

The real issue is you’ve worked really hard to get your mental health under control and she has not. She shuts down because she doesn’t believe she can do the things you ask of her so she doesn’t want to promise she’ll try.

You can’t love someone out of depression. She has to want to make those changes and it sounds like she’s still in a state of paralysis. Even if you threaten to break up, she may not be able to change. It isn’t a reflection of you being worth it or her loving you enough to change… right now she just can’t.

It may come to a point where you love her from a distance as a friend because you’ll have to choose between your progress and sticking around to witness her inertia.

First off, you’re not an asshole! I get where you’re coming from, idk if you tried it yet but maybe talk about how it reallly makes you feel, not what u think but what u feel, magneet makes h feel less special cuz she doesn’t want to put the effort in anymore or maybe it’s sum else, just tell her that. Sit down with her and talk