i don't really have anyone to talk to about this. of course my mom had to come at me with her antics on christmas. we had been getting along decently for the last few months. i tried to make plans for us to get closer, like watching movies or thinking of stuff to do on christmas/new years so we as a family could have more fun (because they're frankly boring and uneventful). but of course she had to lash out at me accusing me of being the ungrateful, awful child, over a minor cause. i swear she is the most efficient ragebaiter ever, she knows exactly how to push all my buttons and turn me into the villain she wants me to be. and she wins every god damn time. i don't get sad anymore, i get incredibly enraged. i cry not out of sadness, but of pure hatred, and i hate her and myself too, for being weak and obeying her, for playing right into her rules and still having a meltdown every time she acts out on me. someone has to be the bad one so the other can be the good, and i play the bad role so well just to make her "happy". (she's incapable of happiness though, so "happy" means simply that she's free of her psychological toxins because she dumped them on me, and as the ever-so obedient child i am, i accept the toxins so she doesn't have to deal with them). now i'm locked inside my room typing this fighting back tears while she's peacefully watching tv in the living room like nothing's wrong.
i hoped i could have a normal relationship with her and fix things, but stuff like this really pushes me down. i'm angry at my own neediness and wish to be seen and not used.
cat: https://media.tenor.com/7XE8QSvmoL8AAAAM/el-gato-cat.gif
Just wanted to say I totally see you and hear you. ♥️ Most of us have also been through the cycles of disappointment and wishing for “normal” (hell, average) relationships with parents.
I’m sorry you have to deal with it, though. Is therapy an option you can pursue?
thank you ❤️ i am in therapy
After 6 years of therapy form a therapist whos focus was very ‘forgiveness’ and ‘grief’ driven, I found a new Therapist who set me free: you don’t have to forgive her and it’s okay to hate her. I have literally been forced to pretend I love her, like her, forced to make ‘quality time’ to ‘bring us closer’ for her benefit honestly. It never did anything for me because we both know that they’re gonna burn us regardless. Nothing will ever be enough. Yet we’re enslaved to the cycle because it was literally stitched into our brain pathways as we developed by these monsters.
No contact now as of a week. Feels very anticlimactic. I think it’s because there is no relationship anyways unless I make it exist.
I hope you can come to the conclusion I did someday. It felt impossible to me and if you asked me three months ago if I would ever go no contact I would have probably been upset because ‘I love her and I want to make it work’
Screw that, I hate her, it’s the truth. And I won’t pretend I like her anymore to appease my dad. And I won’t pretend I like her to survive. Because it’s not necessary anymore
Also idk if this matters but I’m 24, have been in therapy for this shi since I was 18. It took me a longggggg time to accept my dislike for her and come to terms with the fact that if I took away all of the things my dad told me (she loves you, this isn’t the real her, she cares about you she’s just sick,) and all the things I tell myself (she loves me she’s just sick, she might get better, if I help her she will, she’s being so nice maybe it’s different now, maybe if I make more time for her she’ll like me more) all that is left is a terrible horrible mean vindictive child like adult that never could love me because she can’t love. She can only ‘need’. She needs me to feel okay in her life. Nah, I’m good off that
thank you, i felt a lot of what you said. i've tried to force myself to make it work, to be more empathetic and interested, but it's a lot to stomach when you realize it'll never be mutual anyway. it's insane, she plays the good and bad game so well. she's nasty but other times she's also just "good" enough to make the ambiguity so much harder to bear. i found out recently about the term grey rock and i've been doing it for years without even knowing, but i feel like the blankness enrages her even more, i'm the easy target for her garbage and idk what to do anymore.
"she's nasty but other times she's also just 'good' enough to make the ambiguity so much harder to bear."
That's the intermittent positive reinforcement that lures us into the Charlie-Brown-Trusting-Lucy mode. This time it will be different!?!
Welcome!
Oh they are quite special in this regard, my mother has been on a roll this year...the worst of it is directed at my enmeshed nephew, but lawd does she keep trying to drag me in or get me to dance to her puppet strings that I removed a couple years ago (that she can't figure out why they didn't work anymore).
I don't and won't anymore, but she seems really desperate for it this year, honestly the past 30ish hours have been the worst with her in several years in terms of her just being in a complete emotional whirlwind.
thank you for sharing, i'm sorry you're going through that ❤️ why can't they simply enjoy the christmas spirit without spiraling yknow?