Hi friends! Didn't think I'd be posting here this much 5 years on, but people really do not understand NC. I'm so grateful I have you all to share this with, for reasons that will soon become clear.
I'm on mobile and too fried to link uBPDmom's Best Of, but you can root around in my history for past posts.
For context, I've been seeing my therapist for about 18 months. Prior to that, I had been seeing another provider who I LOVED. She helped me navigate going NC with my mom, gave me talking points, and was incredibly supportive. Unfortunately, after 3 years of working together, I moved to a different state and she is not licensed here. I actually drove across state lines for a few Zoom calls with her in the early days. She recommended calling the central office and finding someone else at the office who is licensed in my state, which is how I got set up with my current provider.
A couple of weeks ago I opened up to my therapist about how my dad's comments really upset me. We talked through it and she said I should be honest with him instead of saying "OK dad", which is fine (if terrifying to me, a recovering people pleaser). What she said next raised some pink flags for me. She said that I can hold a boundary with my dad and speak my truth without vilifying my mother. OK, real. I was getting apologist vibes from her so I asked her outright if she thought I was in the wrong for going NC with my mom. She replied, "I understand your point of view, and as a grandmother I am sorry for your mom." I have trauma and it takes me a lot longer than I'd like to process things, but this felt strange even in the moment. I sat with it for a few weeks and decided to be brave and say something during our next session, which was today.
After some quick small talk, I jumped right in and said that I left our last session feeling upset. I began by saying that I do always feel a bit defensive, as I have to justify my situation with my mom in the civilian world all the time. She interrupted me and said that I was the one who brought that up, and that it wasn't even a part of her treatment plan for me. I let her speak and then calmly said that I wasn't directing it at her, but rather explaining my sensitivity about the situation to provide context for why I am still having feelings about it. I'm not one to play the blame game as I am quick to blame myself and second guess my own memory of events. But her reaction was so strange and defensive that I started taking notes. Here are some of the things she said, verbatim:
-"So the idea that I might be able to see another point of view besides yours, was that the troubling part? How can I actually support you if I see another point of view?"
-"You know, my first instinct would be to move towards reconciliation because it's always better to have more family in your life than less, especially if it's a mom or a dad, but you came to me walk past that point, so it's kind of like, hard for me to say that to you because you're beyond that, that ship has sailed."
-"I would recommend you explore finding a provider who specializes in "toxic" relationships" (she did air quotes around toxic)
-at the end of the conversation she said I could find someone else who could treat me in my state. I asked if it was difficult to get licensed in another state (crossing my fingers that I could get my previous therapist), to which it was a "pain in the neck" and she said she had to pay out of her own pocket to treat me
It was just so fucking weird that she came out the gate SO defensive. Going NC and reliving it whenever anyone asks about family is incredibly traumatic and I just wanted her to be like yeah dude, I'm in your corner. And then when I brought it up today she couldn't take any accountability. It felt like walking on eggshells all over again. Like... I'm constantly on guard and I thought therapy would be a safe space for me to work through this, even if it wasn't in my treatment plan. I still feel conflicted some days about going NC and I need people to affirm that I'm doing the right thing. I've always been a black and white thinker and doubt myself so I guess I need a lot of affirmation from others. I'm proud for speaking my truth today but I left feeling so ucky. The last time I posted in here my husband said "wow, reddit was more helpful and supportive than your therapist" so I figured I'd try to work through this here, too. Appreciate you all ❤️
YIKES. Your concern is valid. Therapists are supposed to be objective and she most certainly is not. I’d find a different therapist right away.
“It’s always better to have more family in your life than less, especially if it’s a mom or a dad” 😲🤣🤣🤣😭 this person has no business being a therapist. Plenty of parents are abusive, not just those with BPD. Abused kids do NOT owe them contact, comfort, or forgiveness. What a clueless, privileged thing to say. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this!!!
You ARE doing the right thing. Going no contact is a last resort, not an easy fix.
Your therapist was super unprofessional IMO and the whole “as a grandmother, I feel sorry for your mom” is sooooo weird. Not even as a mother, as a grandmother. So, your therapist is sad for your mom that she doesn’t get access to your (either alive/potential/or nonexistent) kids but not that she doesn’t have a relationship with her child? MAJOR red flags.
I had an apologist therapist when I went nc the first time and she convinced me to resume contact with my mother and I regretted it so hard. My second therapist was so much better and more helpful. I suggest finding someone else ❤️
When your therapist probably is borderline
Bingo! My BPD mom is a therapist.
Right?! I had the same thought.
Run, OP, from this nutcase. You’re reading this situation exactly right. You can find another therapist.
Your therapist is not a court appointed defense attorney, she had a moral and, depending on the laws in your jurisdiction, legal responsibility to refer you to a different therapist if her nontherapeutic personal opinions conflict with her potential client's reality. She needed to tell you she did not believe in NC before you started therapy with her, and her failure to do so is a red flag in and of itself.
My BDP mom is a therapist, and, while I am sure she has genuinely helped many clients, she is also quite adept at creating the illusion of being caring and supportive long enough to provide truly horrible advice (which she breaks confidentiality to share). Like she will spend a year building a trust relationship with a client and 6+ sessions extracting their childhood SA trauma in depth, and then (according to her) tell them to only give their abuser 5 minutes of their time per week. She will victim shame them for experiencing PTSD symptoms and wanting to process the abuse they shared with her in therapy and just keep repeating, 'now I want you to work on giving your abuser(s) no more than 5 min of your time, if you start ruminating, set a timer and once it reaches 5 min don't think about it for the rest of the week' and (again, according to her) spends the rest of the session directing them to endanger their safety by practicing returning to places that are similar to where they were abused.
I am also a people pleaser, and learning how to fire therapists until I find one that is actually helpful has been in many ways the most difficult part of therapy.
Wonder if you could report your mom to her state licensing board for HIPPA violations and endangering her clients cause that’s whack as fuck
Unfortunately, she is not quite violating HIPPA and her behavior is not illegal, as a (probably also personality disordered) field of researchers advocates this approximate approach.
Therapy is not regulated in the same way as like oncology or even psychiatry, which is one of myriad reasons why it is important to validate OP's feelings. Many therapist like my mom and her work friends decide to become therapists due to their own childhood trauma and licensing boards do not assess whether or not they have worked through this trauma, or even if they are competent therapists, but rather if they are capable of avoiding a wrongful death lawsuit. Hopefully LLMs providing horrible advice will lead to more regulations.
Well that’s incredibly icky. Thanks for taking the time to explain that to me!
I will put a trigger warning on my comment....
Sometimes, I think about what things like this tell about BPD. They love to talk about (their) trauma, stealing the trauma narrative, but are actually a terrible fit to deal with trauma on its own. They give the advice to "stop overreacting" and "redirect your attention," while they are the ones who overreact to absolutely minor events. And, they are triggered by someone else talking about difficult emotional topics, because that almost makes them feel something for another person, and they avoid that. While they also have no problem trauma dumping on anyone and everone.
That is incredibly astute insight.
To add on, it is helpful for me to view BPD and covert narcissism as disorders where being the victim is their way of coping with all emotions and all of life's challenges. I know about my mom's approach because she makes herself the victim of 'the incredibly hard cases I had today' whenever I bring up an issue, including her continued defense of my abuser. Being a victim is often rewarded in society and she is the victim yet again in situations when this coping strategy is disastrous; the BPD covert NDP victim loop is like a black hole.
Just reading this made me feel uncomfortable and I haven't even spoken to this person. I don't think she's a good fit.
I'm surprised at the therapists reconciliation comment. She should know better and that sounds like an enabler talking. Its clear that the therapist isn't qualified to handle your specific situation.
Going NC is definitely the right move if you're tired of the endless power struggles and the headache and stress that comes with dealing with someone with BPD.
Hang in there, youre supported here.
At the child of a therapist, my mom thinks your therapist is way out of line 😬I'm sorry your therapist thinks any of this is appropriate
You may have found yourself a BPD therapist. My BPD mother is a therapist. She would spout shit like this. Find yourself someone trained to treat survivors of childhood trauma.
Unfortunately there are many therapists who let their own personal biases color their opinions and in particular LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) goals are almost always to keep the couple or family unit together no matter what. Not sure what her credential is, but I would specifically avoid that one. My husband is an LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor) and he had this gripe about LMFTs back to their differing curriculums in grad school. Not every relationship is salvageable.
I will give my former therapists the benefit of the doubt while they helped me/us fix my marriage, because I was the one announcing I wanted to save it. Nobody told me to end it until I was ready on my own to end it, and I came with that conclusion first.
Oh, I’d get the heck away from this new therapist. It doesn’t sound like she has the skills or professionalism for what you need.
It’s really important that therapists that we work with understand BPD enough to at least support family members. BPD is specific ASF and anyone who has a parent with BPD is going to need to process that and I just want to make sure your therapist understands this and has at least some knowledge on BPD.
Having a therapist jump you is a unique experience I’m sorry you had to experience. I would bet money she saw that dumb Oprah podcast and is now very, very concerned about the tReND of NC. I wish you luck in finding someone new fast.
Time for a therapist breakup. It is exactly like you said, we have to justify so much in the civilian world that we don't need to be doing the same in therapy.
when the therapist is also borderline
Oooofffff yes she sounds judgmental and ill informed about personality disorders - a combination not suited to RBB’s at all. If I were you I’d definitely get a new therapist.
If I were in OP's shoes, I'd do the following.
Begin searching for a new therapist who specializes in adult survivors of Cluster B parenting.
Write a letter to the current therapist's governing medical board. Explain, as above, your interaction, and how your therapist was pushing you to reconcile with an abusive parent. This therapist was highly unprofessional and insensitive, to say the least.