So I recently found out that uBPD mom has been posting pictures of my kid on Facebook for several weeks. She has me blocked on Facebook so likely thought I wouldn’t find out. She knows my firm rule is no posting my kid. Every time she’s pressured me into taking a picture (it’s like a compulsion for her) she has gaslit me and said things like “of course this is just for dad and me! I wouldn’t post!” Acting appalled I would be hesitant to let her take them (she has a history of crossing these boundaries).
She and edad were supposed to come over for Christmas. I called edad when I found out and as usual, he was somewhat supportive and validating over the phone and there was a flicker of hope I would be understood. I told him I won’t be in a space to see her and be calm, but that he was welcome to come. He asked me to reconsider but seemingly accepted my no, but said he thought it would be “too confusing” for my kid to see him without my mom? Which is weird but ok.
Then after he talked to her, he told me she said it was only two pictures. I responded that no, it was four, and sent him screenshots. He then said that she was “deep into opiates” because of a surgery for some of the pictures. Then the guilt trips started. I’ve gotten texts today about how “cancelling Christmas” might be something that’s not “repairable” and how he can’t bear to be without us. Then another one asking to drop kiddo’s presents off because they’re too painful for him to look at and he “doesn’t know how he will get through it.” I haven’t replied.
I’m so confused because it’s his choice not to come, right? (And I’m positive that if the situation were reversed, my mom wouldn’t hesitate for one second.) I think he is trying to be honest but isn’t emotionally mature enough to realize it’s giving guilt trips? And why the switch from being validating over the phone and talking frankly about my mom’s problems to now excusing her actions and just talking about how sad he is? I am not going to change my mind and reinvite my mom, but do I keep reiterating he is welcome if he chooses to come, or just leave it? Thanks for reading and any advice is welcome!
edad is just upset because he now has to contend with her shit alone. Tough.
My edad has spent a lifetime begging me to excuse my mom’s harmful behavior because it makes his life harder to deal with uBPD mom.
Yup-it’s all too common. And terribly misguided. God forbid blame is placed where blame belongs same with accountability.
THISSSSS
Yes. He is choosing this.
Also, you didn't cancel Christmas, your mom made this happen with her behavior.
eParents are called co-abusers for a reason. And this is it.
Think about how much of an adult you are. Think of all the things you've learned despite your parents' shitty role modeling. Now think about how much longer your father has had on this earth. He knows what he's doing. He wants you to just keep taking abuse from your mother so that his life is easier. Honestly, it's giving selfish baby piss-pants.
Because he's chosen his terrible wife over his strong and thoughtful adult child.
I'm sorry you don't have a parent that you deserve. You seem like you're doing a great job without one though.
This was so kind and what I needed to hear. Thank you 💛
Your mom is screeching in his ear about how unhappy she is and he has no backbone so he's trying to guilt you into offering yourself as a sacrifice so he can temporarily live in peace. It's cowardly and selfish on his part. There's also a possibility the messages are directly from your mom, sent through your dad's phone.
LMAOOOO that’s facts im dying my mom does that shit it’s so weird
They're all the same person lol
OMG they are all the same lollll! My mom won't allow my dad to call me alone - whenever he calls me, she's talking over his shoulder. And she takes his phone and reads his text messages every night.
Yep same. I honestly didn’t know if he would be allowed to talk to me alone when I first called him because she usually won’t allow it.
My edad “choosing” my uBPD mom over me is the most painful and confusing thing I have ever experienced in my life. I am sorry. I truly relate to your sentiment about the flicker of hope that he might finally “understand.”
That hope is so deceiving though, isn’t it? And makes it worse when the outcome is no different than it’s always been. Sorry for you too, friend.
My dad no longer talks to all 3 of kids and grandkids because we won’t talk to my mom anymore. Typical enabler, and it’s totally his choice just like it’s your dads
This is horrible to read. My dad is the same.
Yeah, at first I was really hurt. Now I think it’s his loss. Unlike a lot of people on here unfortunately, my siblings are my rock. I’m so lucky to have them, and we always say that for the first time, it feels like we have a real family. No more triangulation, actually have fun on holidays, I’m happy now
Gramma here ...
If you are be blocked from her FB, then there's something innately wrong, in the first place.
I don't put ANYTHING up publicly until my daughter does first. She doesn't much. So I don't much.
I have a few pre-approved friends who she knows well, and I'm permitted, after discussing it with her, to send them whatever I want. By messenger only, specifically to them. No public stuff. Only the pre-approved friends get anything.
My daughter knows my phone log in, and if she asks for my phone, I hand it to her without thinking. She's usually changing security stuff to help me. If I post anything publicly, she can see it. She knows my habits, knows I WILL be respectful of her, and thoroughly trusts me.
If this isn't how you describe your relationship with your mother, than all bets are off. I wouldn't be sending her a damned thing. Period.
It's not how you describe things. Cut her off.
BTW ... If you want to negotiate a compromise, then having FULL access to her public social media is a start. And remember that the privacy settings can be tinkered with. So you need to check her settings yourself.
Thank you - sometimes all we need is to know SOME PARENT out there knows we're not the problem.
His reactions sound very similar to my parents over something similar. Like just over the top over being told no about something. You can’t bear to look at some presents? Spare me.
I told my dad not to post pictures of my kids and his response was to block me from all platforms, and when I brought that up he said, “well you hurt my feelings”, as if that was the most reasonable thing in the world.
With my mom I told her no posting, and the later I had to be very specific and tell her that also included posting pictures of my kids in comments to other people. For some time after that she’d make a big point of, out of no where, reassuring me she’d never go behind me and post pictures against my consent. Like she was soooo pressed I asked her not to do it when most normal people are like “oh yeah okay cool”
Those pictures can be reported. The social media site will take them down if you prove she didnt have permission. If she keeps doing it, they will delete her account.
Keep the life vest on you and your family, let the edad drown if he wants to. Not your circus. He's just hoping the focus won't be shifted onto him most likely.
Your dad did the switch up on you bc after you spoke initially he realized what a shit storm this was gonna cause with your mom so he tried to make it go away, like edads always, always do.
You are a human shield and they don’t like when you renege that role.
Do you think they appreciate the potential safety/risk issues of her posting pics of your kids? It's not, imo, some arbitrary rule you invented to 'irritate' your mother -- if for some reason either or both of them show up for Christmas -- I would make a big show of taking their phones from them the minute they walk in -- because you're serious about this and they can't be trusted.
Yep I think checking phone at the door will be the rule for any visits going forward (after a good long break because of this violation of trust).
I’m sure she doesn’t know or care about safety risks. This woman is totally incapable of taking in information if it’s contrary to what she wants, and she really, really wants the Facebook likes.
He knew she was breaking your boundary and said nothing. He’s uninvited in my heart too. 🙈
"You will get through it by holding her accountable for her actions. Nothing less will bring about any contact from me, let alone seeing you both again. I hope you find the strength to do what you should've done many years ago. Merry Christmas."