Went NC with my mom because she refuses to take steps to improve and only apologizes for "not treating me well," but doesn't actually own up to anything specific and somehow continues to parentify me well into adulthood and makes excuses for the way she hurt me.
Now that I'm the only AFAB in my immediate family, I have never felt more like a "woman." Oldest daughter syndrome was definitely an issue for me when I was growing up, but my parents were always so hands-off that htey didn't give me "womanly chores" or anything like that.
In high school my mom started venting to me about her marriage and how she felt unsupported by my dad and how he was often emotionally absent. I can't even say she's wrong, but they both had their shining moments as parents, and as a high schooler, I just wanted to focus on graduating.
But yes, looking back, I can see how unsupported she was and how she had that classic experience of the woman doing most of the labor in the relationship. She did stay in a bad marriage for decades for whatever reason (something I hope never happens to me), and I've been working with my therapist to learn how to walk away from shitty situations so I hopefully don't fall into that trap.
Still, things came to a head this December.
I've been dangerously depressed this year, but I was excited to have my family over for Christmas because we haven't been together as a family in my house since I moved here. I barely had energy but tried to clean up my home ahead of the visit. My dad called and told me he expects me to make a meal. My sib called and expects me to decorate the house and gets upset when I said we should just get a tiny tree because all of our old decorations were probably unreachable/in storage after my parents split up their household items in the divorce and insists we need a proper tree.
No one offered to help me cook or decorate until I asked. My sib came a week early and asked if I needed help with anything (I appreciated that). I just asked them to help me wash the couch cushions and go buy some decorations while I was working overnight out of town. They call me when I'm driving back and said they couldn't get to the laundry room because the door stop was too complicated to understand. I get home and they've gone out with a friend. The couch cushion covers haven't even been removed. By sundown I text and ask if they were able to pick up the Christmas decorations and they said they were too busy driving around with their friend. I have a Zoom meeting and then try to clean some more. My dad comes a day later and my sib and my dad help me move some boxes and other items after I tell my dad I'm depressed. They clear the space but don't help me clean. They say the house is too dirty and we should have Christmas at my dad's instead (he's three hours away and I'll need to find a pet sitter last minute). ETA: My dad's place allows pets, but he made a point to tell me my pets aren't welcome there, yet he acts surprised when I only take day trips to him because I don't want to pay a minimum of $100 for one night away. I get sad and don't hug my dad goodbye, but he also doesn't try to hug me. My sib says they're tired of me always trying to get my way and both sib and my dad drive to my dad's place (my sib borrowed my car, so I couldn't go anywhere).
I don't know if I'm truly in the wrong. I feel bad, but I also don't know if I should. I've been deep-cleaning my house for two days now hoping it'll be clean enough because I don't want to go to my dad's, but part of me is afraid I'm just being controlling and I should just go to his place. I feel crazy. I wonder if this is how my mom felt and worry that I'm just becoming her, or worse, that I misjudged her. I don't think so though, but I could understand why living this most of your life would drive you crazy.
avoidant men and cluster b women are the yin and yang of life. They balance each other out. This is why the edad is a thing.
it sucks you went through all that trouble and stress only to be dumped in the end. How is spending xmas alone going to make you feel? I quit doing family holidays because my mother was an alcoholic shitshow every time. But, for me, if she wasn't there I would have liked to have gone even tho there would be lots of stress and bickering and fighting among other parts of the family. And my aunt that never stops talking ever would corner me for a couple of hours. If you go are they going to treat you like shit? Can you imagine a relatively pleasant family xmas with them? You've got a little time to cool off and think about this.
Thanks for reading all of that lol
I have thought about spending Christmas alone, but the thought makes me sad, and my sib and I's relationship is already the most unstable it's ever been, so I should go. I don't expect to be treated badly, thankfully. I just feel emotionally lonely around my family ftmp, not abused. If they insist on going to my dad's, I'll go, though I'm still frustrated at the lack of communication regarding finalized plans, but I'll ask my sib when they come back tonight.
So be sad. The more you try to please your sibling, the less they try on their side. If you stop doing it, you will give them a chance to make some work and actually reach you somewhere in the middle. Or not, but you didn't waste too much effort and failed hopes.
I agree with this. OP is doing all the heavy lifting to keep a broken relationship with their sibling, and generally making themself available for more poor treatment from their family (including being left without their car). Drop the rope. Are there any parks nearby? I love to go out for long walks on holidays, just taking my time, looking at nature, seeing what changed since the previous walk, etc.
So almost every straight BPD woman is going to have a relationship with an NPD or avoidant man at some point if not always.. just because she was right about your Dad sucking does not mean really mean anything... both your Dad and your sib totally treated you like crap in that situation. Like personally, Id rather volunteer with strangers on Christmas than be with those two people you're describing. Plus they're emotionally manipulating you to make you feel like the selfish controlling one, when it's both of them.
I hope in a family without cluster b personalities everyone would be like: “What? No, don’t clean. We can order food. A tiny tree will be super cute. I’m sorry you’re feeling so depressed. Let’s just spend some time together and let us know when you’re tired and ready for guests to be gone.”
And then they’d just sort of chat with you about low key stuff, get plates when food arrives, put stuff in the dishwasher when you’re done eating and give the counter and table a swipe (without making you feel like they’re doing you a favor or making you feel like doing or not doing anything makes you wrong or bad), notice if you’re tired of sad and offer to find a silly movie or get going home (and then give you a call in a few days to say how good it was to see you and they appreciate you having them there especially when you’ve been feeling low. And offer to do something low key that you enjoy next weekend to help get you out of the house.)
Right? Lately I've been thinking of scenarios where people respond to my needs on a caring/appropriate way since I didn't grow up with that and am actually trying to attract amd model healthy relationships going forward.
It felt gross wanting to be cared for because my mom would waif and expect people to cater to her, so I already felt the need to suck it up. But then a few of my coworkers told me about how they've been stressed all month and will be low-key despite the fact that they're hosting, and their families completely understand. I've realized recently that I seek out really shitty friendships and relationships because my home life was messed up and it wasn't just my mom who contributed. We all did, tbh, but I'm ready to escape that pattern once and for all
So, where is the part where your mother was right? I read your whole story, but I don't see it.
"In high school, my mom started venting to me about her marriage and how she felt unsupported by my dad and how he was often emotionally absent."
It was wrong for her to use her underage daughter as her free therapist. I was used in the same way, too, so I feel for you. Other times, she also complained about how she had to marry him because she was pregnant (with me), and comparing me to my father was her favorite insult. Yes, my mother did the majority of the house chores, but she also had a meltdown anytime when someone did something different from her expetation (which she never comunicated in advance). And she insisted on doing things the harder way, like claiming almost all our clothes were too delicate for the washing machine, and she had to wash them by hand.
Your mother chose to marry and whom, chose to have multiple kids despite being overwhelmed, made parenting choices that resulted in your brothers being unhelpful, and she chose to stay in such a marriage, venting to her daughter, instead of seeking support from her adult friends.
About your Christmas situation, you want your family, but how you describe them, they don't sound good for you. Sounds like you want to win their praise by cleaning your home and being a good host, but they have complaints even before you started. It is unlikely it will work out for your own good. I think feeling lonely while surrounded by people can be worse than chosing solitude intentionally. And you don't need to be happy; if you feel sad, just allow yourself to be sad, but be sad and comfortable under a warm blanket with your favorite hot drink. That's fine, I promise.
I agree with everybody that your mom wasn't "right". You would be totally justified staying home at your own place, especially with the burden of driving and pet care, and when you've already made an effort to prepare your house. I think it's crappy for people to say to somebody else, "you need to decorate your house". Like if decorations are important to you for a celebration, you come in and you decorate. Either it's a priority for your sibling or it isn't. Kind of feels like weaponized incompetence territory to me. And what's with "cook a meal for us"? Dad can cook at your place or order take out if it's important to him to have a certain meal. I'm very sorry that you're dealing with depression, and these people are not being supportive or treating you fairly AT ALL.