I'm (21F) pretty frustrated and I don't know anyone else who would get it other than this sub. I have another post on here about how my mother infantilizes me (refers to herself as mommy), however she also parentifies me (asks me for money, opened an account under my SSN, rants about men to me, I always have to tell her to buckle when she drives & to stop yelling at strangers, etc.). Well, I'm a college student and 1 year ago she dropped a text telling me she's moving to my collegetown to "get closer to me", she said. Since she got evicted (she's always been bad with money for my entire life) she's been living in hotels in my hometown and then moved to my collegetown to live in more hotels. I was internally furious because this was the one place that finally felt like mine and I can be independent. Instead, she brought her negativity with her and she already has beef with a couple of local institutions (both hotels & churches she's been asking for extensions and money from) that she got kicked out of. I have made so many great connections as a student and it feels like she just stomped in my safe place and made a mess of it. Since then I haven't been able to relax and once more I'm having to count the days down till I can relocate...again.
I'm really sorry. I am far older than you, but I had a mom who did very similar things. I was a wife and mom when I finally had the courage to lay a boundary. She was preparing to move to the BUILDING I lived in.
I called her (and I know your mom and mine aren't mature enough to really get it) and said "I have worked hard to build a life for myself. This is where I live. You cannot live here." I did not say "I can;'t stop you." I was firm and pretty cold.
I am really hoping you can do this for yourself very soon. You deserve it! People are here for you.
You have every right to this privacy, autonomy, fresh start and place that is YOURS.
Can you get free counseling on campus and ask for support crafting a message/statement and strategies? If this will have financial implications for you: get your ducks in a row as best you can.
I am truly rooting for you. You are in the right here! She is in the wrong! The sooner you do this, the far less likely she will follow you into the working adult years. I really wish I had idintified this sooner.
You are way ahead of the game. You see how awful and unfair this is.
Please let us know how it goes.
Thank you so much for the advice and kind words. My campus does offer free counseling and I've considered getting support from there
I think it will be helpful. AND they may well have seen a version of this in the past. You'll have an actual person on campus on your side with solid advice. I know it's all easier said than done. So I don't want to be gaslighty "Gosh, just do this!" It's hard. I know it. Her blowback will be hard.
Again, you are so smart to be already identifying her ridiculous attempted take over of your space/town/etc.
I truly believe that if you can get a plan to at least make your statement to her now, it will dilute her power over time. She will stop at some point. I hope finances aren't keeping you tethered. But totally understand if they are in some way.
Hugs!
She’s going to drop a hammer: she will find herself facing “homelessness” and you are her only hope. Please do not let her move in with you. This is her ultimate end goal.
Hopefully, that is not allowed if she lives on campus.
I had something sort of similar happen to me. Without going into the horrid details and bringing those feelings up, I'll say that i think the person who commented about saying "you can't move here" had the best advice. Sometimes when they've parentified us and you use a really stern voice and act like a parent "No, you can't move here. Absolutely not" very matter of fact, very there's no questioning my authority, they will slink away with their tail between their legs, figuratively of course. It doesn't always work, but sometimes. I'm also very angry in your honor. You did the strong thing and got away and she stalked you. Id not tell her my next location, but id consider telling her "you have to go back home. You can't stay here. It's no longer an option for you to be in this town" and see if she will leave
Sorry to hear that this happened to you bc it sounds like a nightmare. The title made my heart sink. I have heard many crazy topics in this group but this actually made me angry. I can't imagine having my new life sabotaged after making a clean getaway. Apologies for being rude but she sounds psycho, like a mother in a movie thriller, like a stalker. It sounds way easier said than done (bc I want to but am too scared) but have you ever pondered the idea of taking legal actions against her? She committed fraud by opening an account in your name and God knows what else. I hope you will get to enjoy your life that you are building after working so hard.
I’m sorry that this is happening. Make sure you tell her that you have changed your major to international studies and you will be in London next semester. Or Budapest or Bangkok. Tell her that you’re joining the Peace Corps. Always make sure that your living situation is one where she can’t move in with you. Always have a roommate, sleep in a single bed, move constantly, etc.
I’m so so so sorry. I physically couldn’t live in the same town as my mother would make me sick. Move when you’re out of college and set INTENSE boundaries
Why do you need to relocate? That kind of behavior is enraging. I stopped giving my mom my address when I moved and guess what? She can't find me anymore.
My mom did the same thing (and my dad followed her as well). It was extremely distressing. She owns a home here so she's not leaving. I don't really want to leave either, I was hoping this city would be my forever home, but if I have a good opportunity to go elsewhere, I'm not telling my parents where I'm going this time. I learned my lesson.