For some backstory- I went no contact with my mother who is an alcoholic in “recovery” but who actively abuses pain medication and marijuana. She may be borderline as well but regardless I finally said no more after a particularly terrible incident in August. I asked for no contact and she continued calling and emailing and Ignoring my boundaries. I have said nothing to her so far. My husband even had to block her.
This is the first email (in my spam) that she appears to “apologize”. I just feel like it’s a trap to get me to respond to make her feel better. I have been working on shame and guilt binds and intensive therapy from growing up in this environment but I am just not a cold person by nature.
My instinct is to hold the line. It’s too soon in my healing. Is anyone else dealing with some emotional pulling this time of year? Thoughts?
"I know it's bad to grow in a home with an alcoholic but what about meeee" thats how it sounds. I'm sorry for you and hope you have a beautiful holiday season
Nice summary
“I’m not sorry for what I did, I’m just sorry that what I did resulted in the consequence that I can no longer use you for my needs.” Added context for clarity.
She has Step 4 and Step 9 confused. If she had diligently done the Steps, she would have made amends and left you alone. But BPD trumps Bill W. and Dr. Bob each time, every time.
Sorry you're dealing with this. ❤️
Listen to your instincts. This is not a proper apology. She spends nearly the entire email talking about herself and her feelings, and only briefly touches on what she thinks you’re feeling. To me, it appears this email was an excuse for her to throw herself a pity party.
Thank you. It’s like decoding a riddle. lol
She almost gets it right up until acknowledging “it might not have been a good time for you to revisit those things” and then all her compassion takes a flying leap out the window as everything centers around her for the rest of the message. A swing and a miss.
Ugh SO FRUSTRATING because she flirts at apologizing, but assigns for you what you are feeling, and then plays the sob story to guilt you into feeling bad for her. It would be so, so much better if she simply said she was sorry and took accountability. While this is in some ways better than no apology at all, it (for me) wouldn't be sufficient to drop a boundary and feel safe that the behavior from her wouldn't be the same.
Thank you everyone. It’s so helpful to see things from others eyes as well. I agree and I trust my gut! At least it didn’t make me feel too much guilt because I have been working on those feelings. Happy Holidays everyone. Xoxo
lol her apology is "sorry I pushed you away. it's your fault that it happened".
This is definitely a trap. Hold the line, set up an email inbox rule that sends all messages from her email into a special folder so you don't have to accidentally see them if gmail decides she's not spam.
She won’t even admit that she pushed her away. It was the alcoholism, the medications, the “actions and the behaviors”. There’s always a buffer between mom and the harm done.
Reeks of "my sad life" with a tinge of "I am sorry", nah this isn't real change. And change rarely happens so quickly.
If you haven’t seen this post on boundaries, I think it could do you a lot of good in establishing boundaries that will make your life easier.
It seems like they never ask us what our actual experience or feelings are. That would be a relationship. But no. They assign our part.
I think I really need to learn what a real apology looks like this feels like the same way my sister apologizes. But because by the sounds of it this might be an attempt at guilt tripping, trying to get you to go out and talk to her. She ignored your own boundaries, your feelings, all of that, i would stay no contact and maybe even block her.
Hi, u/Griffinlover917! It looks like you’re new here. Just to clarify, were you raised by someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD)?
Yes actually, still am, both of my parents, and sister.
I’m sorry to hear that, but glad you’ve found us! If you need support regarding your sister, I want to make sure you know about r/BPDfamily too.
I, luckily, already found that group also.
The very first line is all I needed to smell bullshit. “I am sorry that my actions and behavior pushed you away”
So not sorry for the actions, but sorry that they pushed you away. Also, not sorry she pushed you away, but she is detaching herself and labeling it the actions and behaviors. Those temporary things that happened outside of her. In her mind, who she is is not what those actions and behaviors are so she’s conveniently separating herself from them to create distance.
An easier way to say that, “I’m sorry I created such a dangerous place for you.” Notice how much more ownership that takes. It admits ownership of who created the problem. It correctly labels what the thing was, a dangerous place for you. Not, “sorry you felt pushed away” but “sorry I tried to bring you into danger that I created and tried to drag you back into.”
I haven’t even read the rest and I will now, but your instinct to be hesitant was definitely correct.
Second line, simplified thoughts, justification and invalidation. Hey, so I’m reducing medication so actually all of that other stuff should pretty much work itself out too. So go ahead and start preparing for everything to be better because of this external factor of the medicine.
Once again, no ownership. And using the medication to put distance between herself and the damage by applying some credit to the medication.
Third line, perceived closeness. Suggesting that she knows more about your healing than you and also that she knows more about wounds because she is the victim expert since she’s actually the one who has suffered so much she is now the subject matter expert.
Lines four and five … she’s essentially apologizing for bringing up something terrible at the wrong time, but also like disconnected from the actual damage?
Like, does she really think it was the timing of the trauma being poked at that was the issue?
Not sure where she’s going with the fuzzy memory one but , moving on.
“I know you were wounded and growing up in an alcoholic home is brutal”
Perceived closeness was and understanding by larping as an empath. “Hey, that must have been tough for you, I get it.” No ownership over it, somehow framing herself as an understanding and caring person to mention how tough it must have been for you.
Hint of ownership suggesting the shame that doesn’t fade, but it’s also toeing the line on, “every day of my life is suffering because of my shame, so like … don’t make me suffer more than I have to.” It’s sort of asking you to reserve any additional shame or judgement and to carry some of her emotions labor because if you give her your honest feelings on top of the shame she already has, that’s a lot.
“Hurting you is the worst part of alcoholism” … again, separating herself from the ownership. The alcoholism hurt you, not her. Once the alcoholism is resolved, you two should be close as can be since there will be no obstacles anymore.
Memories keep her on track ok, yadda yadda filler.
Alcoholic database like a bunch of toxic scenes … ok? Just descriptive fact mentioning that is meant to be perceived as some sort of ownership that she was toxic but distancing herself from actually being direct and vulnerable here.
Also, btw, kinda phoned it in on step four so feels like it never resolves … maybe I can call you so you can just tell me it’s good so I don’t have to think about that and can check it off.
…
And then oh woe is me, I just had no one to be around for the Thanksgiving holidays … so, let’s kinda make this about me again btw. Cause really, out of all of this alcoholism … honestly, I’m the one suffering from it if you really think about it.
Please talk to me, I am lonely, please call me, woe is me, also here is some emotional labor. I have decided you will call me on Christmas, because if you don’t it’s because you are heartless and just think people like me deserve to be alone for the holidays which is cruel.
I’m sorry. This is always so many things including heartbreaking and infuriating simultaneously. It’s just not easy. Big love
"I realize now that you were just scared." would have been so much more meaningful if it read: I realize now that I was so scary to be around.
Playing my tiny violin for her. 🙄
YUP. You know exactly what's happening. She's not sorry. She wants you back. And nothing will have changed in the end.
Here is a post about Practical Boundaries. I hope it's helpful!
Oh wow. This is exactly how my alcoholic uBPD mom would “apologize” to me. It was basically “it wasn’t me it was my disease” and it’s a sneaky way of not only not truly apologizing but also subtly blaming you if you won’t forgive her because it wasn’t really her fault. She has a disease! What I kept wishing I heard from my mom was something that was less focused on her and more focused on me. Which I never got. Maybe something like “I know how hurt and frightened you were as a child because of me and I am so very sorry.” But my mom always has to justify it. Your mom talking about the frozen turkey dinner is some next level guilt. I’m sorry that they always want to intrude on our holidays this way.