Edit: idk how to change the title but I meant to say Dementia 🤣🤣
Last night we got dinner as a family and with some of my brothers friends we haven’t met. One of the girls is going through something really fucking hard (her mother is on hospice with terminal cancer) and my uBPD mom kept hitting the “cause pain” button and made her tear up and almost start full on crying.
This new friend confessed to us about her mother, and I would validate and acknowledge the situation like a normal person and try to talk about what was bringing her joy (she clearly didn’t want to talk about it at length but it has been a big part of her life and stories this year).
It could be on purpose, because she was drinking on some downers she maybe took, because she’s a bad listener, or because of incoming dementia (she’s 70). I honestly have no idea but it was astounding to see my mom repeatedly, at least 6 times throughout the night - ask this new person what was wrong with her mom. One time she was like “I’m sorry I think I’ve asked before but…” and I’m over there like FOR REAL AGAIN?! Each time you’re making her relive and expose the most vulnerable bit about herself and she’s obviously uncomfortable!! Wtf!!!
And ofc the icing on top was each tom my mom “relearned” what was wrong she would act so emotional, in that manipulative sort of way where for some reason we’d be the ones consoling her… I can’t.
We were at the end of the table so I was the only one close enough to continue to try to redirect the situations as much as I could for an hour. My other family members noticed and we ate dinner SOOO FAST LOL. Thank god!
Question for everyone -
If it really IS dementia (something she’s waves over my head for years and years) I am devastated obviously. But she is an absolute waif, who has cried wolf too many times for me to be sure. Has anyone experienced this? When was the “real deal” and how was it different?
Firstly, this sounds extremely uncomfortable for all involved. It's unfortunate that this happened at dinner with less familiar people. Sorry that this happened to you all.
I once described something similar to my therapist. And we concluded my uBPD mom needing negative emotions for something to feel "adult" to her. A somewhat benign example may be constantly being encouraged to complain about work/coworkers in order to feel relatable for my uBPD parent while eParent is very participatory in this.Â
I’ve heard the same!! Like the only thing that feels “real” to her is negative, sad things. She gets riled up by politics at least once a day
Yes, my mom does this too. It’s like they feed on feelings. She loves to discuss things that incite a clear emotional response from others like it’s dessert.
I think in a way it regulated their emotions to throw others off.
Makes sense why I hate to elicit emotional responses out of people then 🥲 It was wild to watch something that happens to me a lot happen to someone else in all its glory.
It’s like they’re able to process better using others as a vector for emotion. It doesn’t matter if the other people is feeling a positive or negative emotion, it’s good either way for the BPD.
Hi OP - there's a reason pwBPD are called "emotional vampires", and your story illustrates it perfectly!
This sounds very much like my mother, and in her case, even though she very much plays up the "sweet, forgetful, little old lady" act now, she has been doing this type of thing for as long as I can remember. I swear I can see joy in her eyes when she's hearing or telling bad news.
Ugh I am so sorry. Honestly same here. It is so messed up, I cannot fathom their inner world and how things like that bring them joy…
This brought back memories of my mother doing the same things. She loved getting people to open up to her about their serious traumas via prying and prodding with inappropriate questions and then gloating afterwards once they emotionally spill like she’s some wonderful mother figure where people feel safe with her.
The worst part is in private she would constantly repeat that persons trauma back to me over and over. But in the worst, gossipy way, pretty much marking that person as damaged and getting a fun rise of knowing she baited them into telling her. Everything is a game of manipulation with them. They are very aware of it too imo.
As for the ~dementja (lol) aspect of it. I also noticed my mom repeating herself a lot as she nears 70. I wonder if BPD people naturally inherit the symptoms as a progression of the illness or her decades of lying is finally catching up with her.
Omg YESSSSSSSSSS, I remember feeling disgusted when she'd come home and laugh and smile and make fun of innocent people behind their back
+1! I would feel SO dirty after hearing her gloat about the new gossip that she pulled out of someone :( like we’re dragged into her drama, being forced to pick the pwBPD side and see this other person the way THEY want you to see them.
She used to do that a lot to pit me against my brother, or other people that could threaten our enmeshed relationship.
Also - did you find out if it was dementja (lol) or not ever?? Does your mom take a lot of “happy pills”? I’ve been noticing she does it mostly when my brother is around, who she is “terrified of” (lol so waify)
Personally--- I think she was getting a sick kick out of stabbing the knife and twisting it a few times and then playing the "oh I don't remember", speaking from experience....