Tomorrow my spouse and I are leaving to spend a few days in my hometown to see my uBPD mom and e-stepdad. As is typical for this time of year, my mom has been spiral-y lately.
I texted to ask her if I could call this afternoon. Idk why I can’t get the screenshot to post, but here’s how the exchange went:
—
Me: Do you have any free time this afternoon? Just wanted to call and touch base about plans. 😊
Her: What time this afternoon?
Me: I’m asking when you’re free 😊 I could call between now and 5.
Her: (…nothing yet, she just left me on read for 30 min)
__
My question for y’all is…why does she do this nonsense? Specifically, whenever I ask her if she has free time during a time window (like this afternoon), why does she reply by asking me when I am free? Every single time, she asks some daft question like that that puts it back on me, delays planning for a specific time, and just generally makes it complicated when it doesn’t need to be.
Is it just a way to exert control, gain attention, stir up drama, etc., or is there something else going on?
EDIT: I’ve posted before but this was rejected, so here’s a kitty haiku since I can’t get any attachments to load:
Pitter-patter paws Fluffy ball of purring sounds Alas, you make me sneeze
I see you know my mother! I think there’s a control element. Sure, she could just answer the question, but if she ignores it and asks when I’m free, she’s basically seizing control of the process by derailing planning and disorienting me.
Wish I had a suggestion for how to cope with this, but I still haven’t figured one out. I’ve just given up on trying to plan things with her because it’s always a flipping saga.
Haha, looks like we’re long lost siblings! Thanks for your perspective. The control thing does seem right. That’s very helpful.
She is putting a "consideration" flair on, worried about your availability, etc instead of just making things work. Could be because she wants to show that she is considerate when it actually puts all work on you
Yes, that seems accurate. Like she’s being performative
My mother also does this, refuses to answer a direct and simple question and instead turns it back on me or basically anyone else. I think sometimes its performative, like she wants to seem agreeable and like she cares more about other people's convenience or whatever. But I also think its so she can complain and guilt trip about it later. Like an "I arranged my plans around when you said you wanted to call, I did it for you, and you don't even appreciate it!" kind of thing. Or if something doesn't work out, she doesn't have to take responsibility for it because she was just doing what the other person wanted.
You’re going home to visit her and she won’t even tell you a time to call. Seems like you’re putting a lot more effort into this visit than she’s willing to.
I’d be asking myself if there’s somewhere else I’d rather go or someone else I’d rather visit.
“Oh well if you don’t want to talk and make plans I’ll just make my own plans”
I bet you’ll get an answer pretty fast and if not then you’re free to do what you want.
Hey there - your post wasn’t actually rejected! It was just filtered for manual review, which is completely normal in our sub. Reddit’s started saying that posts are “removed by the moderators” when they’re just automatically filtered, which is annoying! If this happens again, you don’t need to worry or make any changes, just wait for a human mod to review your post. Sorry for the inconvenience! Please send us a modmail if you have any questions.
If she gives you a time, she then can't complain and waif out that the time you picked is soooo difficult for her.
Instead, she can leave you on read and then complain later that you never make plans with her.
Checkmate!!