I've been NC with my uBPD mom for about 4 years now and it's been a little over a year since my eDad decided to go along with shutting me out like the rest of my family did. In October of last year, my uncle (one of my uBPD mom's younger brothers) decided to write this super long email in response to one my husband sent to my mom. She had emailed my husband asking what it was she did that caused me to cut off contact with her, and my husband replied with something that could be summed up with "because you are a mean person and hurt the one I love the most along with the rest of us". Her reply was to immediately say that none of what he said happened actually did and he was like "yeah, no".

Anyway, this email from my uncle - which was sent to my husband, but I was cc'ed) was nothing short of extreme and awful. This man - who I hadn't spoken to in about 10 years - decided to show up and puff out his chest saying that my husband is an awful husband and father (he isn't) and that I'm a terrible mom because I am encouraging my (at the time) 15yr old daughter to cut off her grandmother (I wasn't) and ended it all by telling me that all of my aunts and uncles agree with him that I am a horrible person for treating my uBPD mom this way and they are cutting me off until I start talking to and treating her right again. And he said "this includes your dad", which was surprising since my dad had always said that nothing could destroy his relationship with me. Imagine my surprise when I went to text him about it and heard nothing. Since then, the only time I've texted him was for his birthday a few months ago and that's it. It breaks my heart because my dad was the only actual parent I've ever had. (My bio dad is NPD and hasn't been in my life in over 20 yrs.) I expect the rest of my family to be assholes, but I never expected my dad to follow along. This man who never took shit from anyone or let anyone tell him what to do was suddenly letting a family member who was young enough to be his own kid tell him to cut his daughter off.

Well, since I went NC with uBPD mom, I will still get cards, presents, and whatnot for mostly my daughter and step-kids, but sometimes myself and my husband. We have moved since I cut her off and mail started off getting forwarded, but she somehow (probably Google) managed to find my new address and is using that. Last week, we got a Harry and David gift basket more suitable to give to an office co-worker for Secret Santa and then another package with gifts for the kids. Now, all of our kids (my daughter and stepdaughter who are both 16 and my stepson who is 13) are done with my mom for their own reasons, so they typically just want to give away whatever is sent. Whenever these gifts or cards come, I always do the spiral of "maybe I am the asshole....maybe I should be the bigger person and end this....maybe it wasn't that bad...." and that is exactly what happened. Thankfully, I married the most amazing human who reminds me that all of that is false and that I am doing what is healthy for me and our family by not having uBPD mom in my life. It also helps to go back and look at the receipts (past texts or emails or my posts in this group) to remind myself of what's real.

So this past Saturday, I get a random text from my eDad that says "A Xmas call would be a nice surprise". I managed to roll my eyes at that one and not get as triggered, but lost my shit later that evening when I got an email (in my old email with my previous name that I haven't had in 7yrs) from him that said:
"This is the last paragraph of uncle ______'s reply to _____'s letter…… let’s start the process 
of forgiveness and reignite the family bonding….. I’m not getting any younger and I’m not going to my grave without a solution 
xoxo Dad"

Needless to say, I lost it. I miss my dad so much because he was the one person I could count on. He and I would talk a lot about how nuts my uBPD mom was and abusive (to both of us) and he would completely understand my rationale for going NC....until we hung up the phone and our convo went in one ear and out the other once he started dealing with her again. My dad and I are both Bear fans (because of him being one) and they are actually going to the playoffs for the first time in years. I would love to be able to talk to him about this, but it will come with the price of "you really need to work things out with your mother".

I just wish people understood that going NC isn't something you wake up one day and decide to do. It comes after years and years and years of putting up with abuse and toxicity and finally saying "no more". This isn't some petty fight we got into over the right way to cook a steak. This is decades of "I'm sorry I was such a a bad mother" and "your mother is the only one who will tell you the truth" and "your grandmother died broken hearted because you didn't send your daughter to get her first communion and you got a divorce" along with treating my husband and his children like they are the neighbors who you wave hi to as you go to your car. I could go on, but I know we all have almost identical stories.

I'm glad my daughter is stronger than I will ever be because I protected her from being the next in the generational cycle to perpetuate this. But sometimes holding the shit from coming down the hill is exhausting and I wish I didn't have to do it.

It's been quite a while since I posted in this group, but it has helped me so much over the years to know I'm not alone and I'm not crazy. Thank you all for making me feel less alone and less crazy.