For context: I checked my bank on Friday and saw I was over drafted -$20 when I shouldn’t have. I saw there was an unauthorized charge to my card from Amazon from her using my card. This also happened in November but she claimed it was an accident and I was too busy to question it. After the second overdraft I took a closer look at my bank statements and discovered she’s stolen over $500 in multiple small charges since August. My debit card was accidentally saved to the account in July after prime week. I confronted her and she’s insistent that she “didn’t know” and it was a “mistake”. I’d been paying for her prime membership since August and after asking chat how that could happen it let me know you have to physically go into Amazon and change the card billing info through a multi step process (no way an accident). I’ve been VLC for a while but this feels like the last straw. I don’t want to come home for Christmas but the guilt is still eating me alive. Looking for support here as I feel crazy and alone. I’m an only child dealing with this
Kitty poem: soft kitty warm kitty little ball of fur happy kitty sleepy kitty purr purr purr
If it was actually an accident she would be making arrangements to repay you.
Her mom isn't sorry. She'll do it again and again like mine did. Then when you stand up to them, every so-called tragedy is brought up so you feel bad for them and they don't pay.
& it wouldn't happen again after the first time she acknowledged it.
Facts! 💯
she’s so projecting here when she says you’re doing things on purpose to punish her- maybe she made you pay for her Amazon shit to punish you for not visiting. either way, she’s not sorry.
100%!!!
You do not owe her your presence at any time, for any reason. Be the stable lighthouse on a rock that you needed growing up, and don't cave to her endless tides of feelings. You will survive it, as you've survived all her bullshit before this moment.
I'm also an only child to dysfunctional undiagnosed parents. I understand how impossible it seems to disentangle from their bullshit since they "have no one else". But it's not selfish to put your own safety and sanity first. Consider this your written permission slip to do what you want and need to in life, from an unofficial internet big sister.
Do you have any friends nearby who would understand if you told them you couldn't go home for Christmas? Or even coworkers that you get along with? Many people would be happy to host one friend who otherwise wouldn't have a happy holiday. No matter what you do, put her number on mute for the day (minimum) and try to enjoy what you can. She sounds like my mom, who also weaponizes guilt whenever she doesn't get her way and led to me being practically unable to function outside of her home. You owe her nothing. $500 is a small price to pay to realize you can't trust her anymore.
Thank you internet big sister. I’m sorry you deal with this too
Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD explains toxic shame so perfectly and it changed my FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt loop entirely.
Getting it on audio book can be like therapy.
OP notice, she can't just say, "I made a mistake, here's a plan to fix MY MISTAKE. I love you and would like to spend ti.e with you."
Instead she's SCREAMING about how you operating your life, perfectly normal for a 20 something adult is meant as an act to punish her - bleeping crazy talk.
And SCREAMING about her medical issues also to strong arm you and force you to spend time w her.
That behavior erases and Guilt or obligation you may feel.
If she can't show up and approach, you like an adult and kindly ask you to be helpful and supportive around her medical issues in advance, so you could make a healthy plan, then she doesn't get you around her when she's having medical issues.
She's doing it on purpose, trying to strong arm you so that you feel afraid and guilty and will do it only her way and not stand up for yourself in the midst of also being there with her.
Please hear and believe us- You Have Nothing to Feel Guilty about.
Release yourself from that.
Cancel the card and get another.
That text from her is crazy. Cancel the card and tell your bank that you don’t recognize those charges. Someone that treats you like this is only concerned about what you can do for them and not about how their actions or words affect you.
If she doesn’t have money to pay you back, then she didn’t have the money to make those purchases in the first place. If things are that tight she would have noticed that she had extra money in the bank. This was 100% intentional and intended as punishment. What kind of stuff was she buying?
Cancel that card and get a new one. What she did is illegal so you could report the fraud to your bank and let them work through it but that could result in legal issues for her. If you’re not ready to go nuclear then I would not count on getting any of that money back. You could try to work out a payment plan with your parents but I’d just make peace with the fact that the money is gone. It’s a very expensive lesson that she cannot be trusted. I would absolutely not go to Christmas, no guilt at all. If any of your other family has questions you can politely let them know what happened. Do you have friends or anyone else that you could potentially spend the day with?
As a mom myself - if somehow this ever happened by legit accident, I would be mortified, and would immediately pay my kid back. The lack of remorse, the DARVO, and manipulation is inexcusable - and it wasn't an accident. You don't need to spend Christmas, or any time, with someone who makes you feel the way she makes you feel, and treats you the way she treats you.
Don't combine finances. She's the parent
They’re totally separate. She had prime and offered to let me use it so I could buy a desk for school. Turns out my card info saved and she’s been using it since. I’m a medical student so all of my money is for survival from 9% loans
I'm sorry, I misread! I still wouldn't. Mine weaponized every dime.
It's okay for you to not go home for Christmas It's okay for you to feel guilty about it It's okay for her to feel upset that you are not coming home for Christmas and you feel guilty about it and still not go
Sit for a moment and let it be okay, feel the guilt. Really feel it. Observe it like it's happening just beside you. Look at it. Let it be.
Tell yourself it's okay to feel guilty and still not go. It's okay to feel pressured and still not go.
You can make the decision you feel is most right for you.
Your body wants to solve the problem right now. Don't solve it yet. Just let it be. Let it settle bit. Feel it out. Feel the tightness in your chest, if that's what you feel. Say it out loud. I feel tightness in my chest and that is okay.
It's okay. You'll be okay. You're allowed to feel guilty and pain and still choose yourself.
Take your time, slow it down, don't let the stress and pain rush you.
Make sure you comfort yourself about how hard this is. It's hard.
Big hugs. You got this.
As someone who came here after a completely unrelated rift with her own insane mother, thank you. You have no idea how fitting your words are to how I feel as well. Thank you, kind and wise stranger.
Can you call your card company and ask to reverse the charges, explaining the situation? I wouldn't mention that you know it's your mother, just say that you dont recognise the charges and can see another amazon prime account has been using unauthorized charges to your card. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm also an only child and it definitely comes with its own challenges dealing with a pwBPD
The bank would probably open a fraud investigation and potentially file a police report. So OP should do that if they’re ready to permanently terminate the relationship (I would because that is batshit insane behavior). It was not an accident at all, if things are as tight as she claims then crazy lady would have noticed that the charges were not coming out of her bank account. She knew what she was doing.
If OP wants to maintain the relationship they should work something out maybe with their dad if dad is more reasonable than mom, to make sure they get paid back even if it’s $10 at a time. Make sure that any card info is removed from their mom’s access, maybe even get a new card with a new number just in case. If OP really wanted to they could maybe take parents to small claims court, that would at least avoid criminal charges for the mother.
I don’t think banks typically file police reports for unrecognized charges but totally agree she knew what she was doing
My mother used to steal money from me and my siblings too. She made us pay her every month as soon as we got jobs. And then if she saw the money in the account start to accumulate, ie we saved a little from our minimum wage jobs, she would just go into the accounts and take our money. And if we questioned her? “I’m short on the mortgage this month, I’m your mother you need to be helping you have a job etc etc” It just wasn’t worth fighting her because of her crazy.
We all got our own bank accounts after moving out so she didn’t have access. She would still manipulate us to have us buy her things all the time and I was still paying her $100 a month after I moved out just to “help” her still (even though she and her husband made enough, she was just irresponsible). In my 20s starting my life, living paycheck to paycheck but still sending that dumb heffer money…I could call myself an absolute moron for it but I now know I was in the FOG she created from the day I was born.
I have 2 children and I can’t ever imagine taking a penny from them. Everything I do is for them and I play on giving them a nest egg and the best leg up I possibly can when they’re old enough and starting out their life. Because I’m not an abusive piece of shit.
NC with my BPD mom for 1.5 years and I ain’t looking back. It’s the only way I know I can find peace and protect my children from her ways. Fuck these bitches, they’re trash! Good luck, sending love ❤️
do not go. She is utterly horrible to you like
My dBPD mom is a thief too. They think they deserve our money as well as our time and attention. I started seeing the light when I realized my mom was stealing the cash I was saving for my meds. I told her I can’t sleep without the meds and she started crying because she “didn’t mean to steal.” She claimed that if it was out in view, it was for everyone or anyone who needed it.
They really don’t understand relationships. Lies, theft, manipulation, etc…it’s always our fault for not helping them more.
She did it on purpose to get you to text her. Especially since she feels you didn’t give her enough attention during her time of “need”. My mom does the same in different way. It’s aggravating.
She did it to piss you off and she might have felt some right over the money. Also notice the entire text guilts you and gaslights you into thinking your experience is invalid. One would think a woman has had 2 surgeries wouldn't be so petty, reactive, and explosive because she would be tired and trying to heal.
Stay home and have a calm peaceful Christmas.
Get a brand new debit card, a whole new number. And don't pay anything for her. Fuck that.
This text is like bpd mom bingo
Welcome!
Call your bank and ask for a new debit card. Don't give Mom the new card number. Yes it's a pain, but worth it to stop her from draining your bank account. I'm sure you'll be made aware of the next time she tries to use the old card number and it doesn't work. LOL
In the future, if you're feeling generous about helping Mom with her amazon purchases, send her an amazon e-gift card.
.kkv. w twd Svf.