First post, so here's a cat haiku:
Soft paws in moonlight
Whiskers catch the drifting stars
Night hums when cats purr
I found this subreddit after a decade of therapy and seeing "that one Christmas episode" of The Bear. When I watched that, I found myself in a near out of body experience--remembering similar issues with my own mother over the holidays. "No one wants to help me," said my mother in her too small for another person kitchen. My uBPD mom is much more a waif/hermit now, but I have vivid memories of the witch coming out when I was parentified as a child.
My grandmother (uBPD mom's mother) passed away in January of 2025. She was like an actual mom to me growing up. My gran was the one who saw me play sports, perform music, took my sister and I to the movies, etc. However, from about 2022 through her death, she had no quality of life. I was relieved that her suffering through demetia and physically ailing was over, but that was a rough way to start the year. To make matters worse, six months later, I lost my job while on vacation visiting my wife's family abroad. Shortly thereafter uBPD mom, eDad, and flying monkey little sister started to nag about coming home for the holidays--despite my wife and I already having planned a trip back to my hometown for a friend's wedding in the fall.
I feel stupid because I caved in to the whole "first Christmas without grandma" narrative and am now sitting at home some 4000 km away from them dreading to go back. I keep telling my wife, and similarly exploring with my therapist, that I feel like I'm just a wall they talk at. My uBPD mom tends to weaponize her therapist when eDad doesn't immediately give her what she wants, ex. a "therapy dog" aka just a dog.
Has anyone experienced some similar weaponization of grief or therapy language from a BPD person?
This is why couples/family therapy contraindicated when abuse is present. This is what happens, instead of real healing.
If you haven't read through it yet, take a look at the RBB Primer. It is long and can be painful to go through, so please be gentle with yourself while you work through it.
Here is a communication guide. Keep in mind that these strategies are designed to keep you safe, but constantly suppressing your thoughts and feelings can be detrimental to your physical and mental health. I personally became one big dull gray rock when I was young because I practiced the "gray rock" technique so much; it just took over my whole personality.
Here is a post about Practical Boundaries.
Welcome!
Thank you for the reference AND the term! I've been big gray rock-ing for most of my life.
Yes, many of us learn to do this naturally, which is super sad.
They. will. weaponize. anything. and. everything.
I mean, you could contract Ebola or some such over the holidays. I heard it called political measles! Fuck em.
this is real as hell. my sister committed suicide when she was 13 and i was 18. terrible, terrible grief that is still hard to deal with. my mom will weaponize it any chance she gets. she says my sister would be disappointed in me for not accepting her, i must act the way i do because i feel guilty about my sister, me and my brother are her only living children so we need to love her, etc. it’s seriously fucked up. remove yourself from it. it makes something that’s already horrendously painful even worse and it will escalate if you don’t give in to what she wants. hard boundary now. i wish i did it before.
Been there!
Grief is a big one because you're a monster if you don't play along and share appropriately in the display of sadness over the departed. She might want you to join in a good cry or long chat (read: her monologue) about grandma so she can take center stage in her one-person show. You know this is not about a common experience where the shared goal is group healing. It is, instead, mom's chance to rope you into her show and make it all about her.
If you disengage during this session, be ready for an immediate tongue lashing or even perhaps a lecture sometime in the distant future (I'm talking years, here) where you are reprimanded for being cold and aloof "that one time three years ago at Christmas."
You're in a tough situation because you're far from home. I hope you can disengage when she starts down the road of making it all about her. You're going to get the stick one way or another. Save yourself! When these traps are sprung, I sometimes physically leave and go on a walk. I also go silent, but that usually is provoking. If you aren't ready to be confrontational then perhaps avoid that one.
Sidenote: The Bear episode you reference was pivotal in my wife gaining a better understanding of my mother. I could not believe what I was watching. My wife still cannot wrap her head completely around it because she didn't grow up with a BPD parent.That show is amazing.
I can relate to the first two paragraphs painfully well. My grandmother died a horrific slow death due to a rare bone cancer. She was in hospice at home (my mom and I lived with her) and my mom refused to provide her with care. I wasn’t working at the time so I was responsible for feedings, medicine management, diaper changes, turning her over etc. all on a 24/7 basis. I would ask my mom for a few hours “off” and she would literally ignore me and walk away from my literal cries from burnout and wouldn’t look at her dying mother stating “it’s just too hard to deal with”. My grandma gave my mother infinite money, time, babysitting, and basically anything she wanted. My mom abandoning her at this time was incredibly selfish and gross.
Anyways, my grandma dies and I am stoic as hell. Traumatized from what the 24/7 care and lack of sleep for months, relieved that she was no longer suffering, and deeply angry on a spiritual level at my mother.
What does my mother do? Berate me saying she had hoped my grandmas death would be a bonding moment where we could “lay down on grandmas bed together and hold each other while we scream cried”. I’m sorry… you had an image of how to grieve her but couldn’t lift a finger to help her at her weakest? And yes, when she’s in a mood because I’m not performing for her correctly, she brings up how cold I am since I didn’t give her that special bonding moment. It’s been 15 years.
These first two paragraphs are exactly what happened after my dad died ! For over 10 years she’s now painted me as cruel and uncaring since my way of grieving didn’t look as dramatic as hers at the funeral.
Be careful OP, these people are dangerous and their poisonous messaging can stay with you.
Me and my siblings literally call our mother the grief thief. She will take any tragedy, even if it’s not her own, and use it to get what she wants.