I have been having a really hard time with guilt about cutting off uBPD mother but I had a thought last night that I’ve been playing on repeat in my head every time I start to get down. It’s just “I only allow people in my life who are nice to me”. It’s simple but it’s something I can stick to when I can’t think of anything else and am starting to dwell on my bad feelings. It’s stops the spiral and calms me down. I just wanted to share.
That’s a great mantra! It really is that simple. We all deserve to have people in our life be nice to us. If someone can’t be nice then why bother?
I also have a list of notes on my iphone note app. Passages from books, comments from here, sections of articles and thoughts that I can go to when I feel I’m spiraling and doubting myself
That’s a great idea
I was reading up on non-traumatized individuals and MOST healthy people don't stick around people who make them feel bad. How they feel around someone, is how they track the relationship and comfortableness of it all.
I was shocked when I learned this, because I over stayed by 40 years. I kept trying to "make it work," but didn't go off of my feelings when the person was around me.
It's ok to dislike them and not be around them.
"You hurt me and don't make me feel good," is enough.
I have a question on this.
My uBPD mom often told me “I’m the only person who tells you things like they are. The only one who can help you see how you can do things differently / better/ where you are going wrong. The ‘outside world’ will not do that. They will be nice to you to your face but make fun of you behind your back”
Which would essentially mean only being with people who are “nice” to you is surrounding yourself with falsehood.
I have a thought or two about how I am learning how to counter that narrative in my head for myself.
But I’m curious to know your thoughts. How would you counter it?
Oh wow, your mom is diabolical! That is such a manipulative and isolating tactic!
Only through experience I think. When you meet people who earn your trust you can see what it means. And I use the word “nice” to cover kindness, generosity, supportive, and caring. The only kind of people who are worth building relationships with.
Because yes, there are people in the world who will be polite and “nice” without really meaning it, but that’s just a feature of human social structure, and most people do not mean you any harm.
Your mother’s statement is categorically false. She of all people is not the one telling you the truth. Her worldview is warped and twisted and abnormal.
This is very useful - thank you!