Hi all, approaching Christmas which for many of us is a stressful and somewhat triggering time of year. I've been struggling a lot with the challenges of my bpd mother, and joked with my psych about creating a bingo card I can use as a bit of a coping mechanism - they loved the idea, and thought I'd share it here too in case it helps anyone else. In the past 2 weeks she's been particularly bad, so very much not looking forward to Christmas, this at least gives me some small way of coping with it all and hopefully makes these moments a little lighter.
dear god, i think i just choke-laughed on the accuracy of that opioid medication square š
Oh and donāt forget how they suddenly spit venom and come down with a āstomach virusā or ādonāt feel wellā after a couple of days. Suuuure, oooookay, we all know youāre withdrawing.
One Christmas my mom threatened to give me and my dad drug tests because apparently one of us āstole something from her,ā but she refused to tell us what she was testing us for (it was def opiates bc sheād been to rehab for that twice at this point). We both insisted on taking the tests, and when she saw how willing we were to piss in a cup, she let it go. I told her she should really keep a better count of her stash, caught her off guard with that, and she said āI guess so.āā¦ still to this DAY wonāt admit she was using during that event. Fucking crazy.
That seals it, our parents must be getting together for monthly strategy meetings and sharing a central rulebook.
It really is so crazy how all of our parents are so fucking similar. Like girl, I visited you in the cigarette smoke filled recreational part of rehab like three times a month for fucking two years total while we played Uno and talked about your addiction. I know you are addicted to pills. Why canāt you admit it?
Iād also like to point out how much of a contradiction this particular topic weāre talking about is with the other bingo square about how they will bring up things from a decade ago about us. The jugs to position of completely fucking up your childrenās lives by being an addict while not ever admitting that youāre an addict while simultaneously judging your child for making normal mistakes that a child should be allowed to make is just a fucking testament to BPD if Iāve ever heard one.
Edit: I am in my car and using voice to text. I have a southern accent. I noticed that juxtaposition. Says jugs to position. Lol I am so sorry if this is impossible to read, I will fix it when I get home.
YES! Exactly! My mother got plastered before a specialist appointment at hospital the other week. I show up to drive her there and she's completely drunk, and I pushed hard to reschedule but she refused and was adamant about going. Now it's my fault that her medical records say she showed up intoxicated. A few days ago, following this she tells me that she wasn't actually intoxicated, and when I replied with "Well, you were" she hits me with the "Well it's only to be expected with the way I've been treated this year by you and [my girlfriend]." So straight from denial to blaming others, then?
Mine would do the same, still does. Her mistakes are the fault of others, but any of my mistakes when I was a kid are complete character flaws.
Reading other people's stories in this sub just really hits home how similar they are, like they have a secret SOP book to follow or something. It's completely fucked up!
God thatās vile. They truly are so predictable. I hope you get through the holidays with as much peace as possible. This time of the year is hard for us all. Sending patience and love your way. ā¤ļø
Lol, donāt fix it! Your edit just makes the comment even more perfect.
Jugs to position is the funniest thing Iāve heard in a while, will definitely be adopting this phrase!
the lying right to my face, in those kinds of moments, like youāve described hereā¦
thatās one of my big triggers. like, i am immediately beside myself with fury, and the reactive abuse is right at the tip of my tongue.
but whatās the point? that bitty got no shame.
EXACTLY! She can be slurring and stumbling and still look me in the eyes and say she didnāt take anything. Yet she can fabricate something out of thin air that sheās just paranoid that I MIGHT have done and accuse me with the utmost conviction. Itās delusion like no other.
Ooph š«
How about giving you weird trash from around her house as a gift?
My mom still brings over near-stale bread and other perishables that barely would have been fit for consumption 200 years ago.
Her largesse extends to non-family members. My ex girlfriend's house burned down. She brought her old sconces for the rebuild. My mother commented to me that she thought the "go fund me" page for my girlfriend was in bad taste, however.
Giving some one lamps that literally need to be wired into the wall after their house burned down is just... Wow. Wow.Ā
I was terrified of that woman as a child. As an adult, it is just sad and pathetic. She's a Seinfeld bit.
And the overly sentimental stories that make such trash "valuable" .....
Like a tatty old dictionary my mother treats as a sacred heirloom because it has some random dates written throughout it in the margins, which she's convinced was her grandmother tracking her periods.
When I politely pointed out that a museum might not be overly interested in displaying that particular piece of family history, I was labelled as "cold hearted" and "unfeeling"
Thankfully, not too much trash is given nowadays, but regularly offered and offense taken to my polite refusals.
Like, what? Who wants granny's old paper Flo app? And why was it in Merriam-Webster?!Ā
Lmbooooo yeah that was my mom giving me weird pieces of the stash in the unheated/uninsulated garage as "gifts"
Or gives you stuff that is more appropriate to give to a 5-9 year old.
Optionally: gives you a thing that's clearly something another family member (the favourite) likes.
Hahaha I got a bingo already and itās not even Christmas yet! Great job on the bingo card
Same!
Missing āIām done!ā š¤£
Omg this was SO my mother.
I came looking for the bottom left item and was not disappointed. Mine was fond of reciting all my sins from 30 years ago.
Seriously. My dad mentioned to me that she was recently ranting on and on about something I did in 5th grade. 5th grade?! I hardly remember anything about being ten (and Iām almost 40ā¦so your 30 comment is spot on! š¤£)
lol, they really are incapable of moving on. I'm 30 and still get guilt-tripped because when she left me unsupervised as a toddler I apparently pulled stuff out of draws and tangled her necklaces up. Somehow it's not the fault of the parent leaving a toddler alone and unsupervised, it's on the toddler to know better.... Apparently I was deliberately being malicious and making her life hell.... I kinda wish I did a better job of it tbh
Dude if I kept a record of wrongs that my toddlers do I'd go insane. I have 3-year-old twins and they get into everything.Ā
You have a great sense of humor, thanks for this post.
Thanks! :) It's a weird mixture of feeling both relieved and horrified that I'm not alone in this shit.
You laugh or you cry, I try to opt for the first when possible.
Praises and criticizes and attacks you within the same hour is my square... but she like repeatedly does that square while perceiving everything i say as a slight and trying to obsessively beg for future visits for inappropriate reasons like...."i need you to come in January to clean the snow and ice off my roof".... "Mother, I've suffered from terrible vertigo and balance issues for my whole entire, you know I'm not getting on your roof or anyone else's, that's a real weird ask .. " every visit she'll do something like that and then she and my father will get angry about my answer as if it was a reasonable question lol
If this were 5x5 the free center space would be "Conspicuously Searches Your House For Previous Gifts She Gave You, Then Complains When They're Not Displayed Prominently Enough".
Literally guaranteed in our home every holiday.
Ah yes, the sacred Christmas intrusion. I'm so thankful now her mobility isn't good enough to actually physically go through the place. But I'll get the comments. It's like gifts to them are measures of worth or love. As a kid, if I didn't seem appreciative enough of a toy or something she got me, she'd later take it back and break it in front of me to teach me a lesson. Very glad that phase is over.
And then- ādid you not LIKE that thing I gave you?ā
This is excellent!!!
I relate especially to "buys expensive or excessive gifts." This is usually followed-up with a comment that no one ever gets her anything so nice.
Edit (for cat haiku):
Sneezes really loud
Dig their haughty attitudes.
Litter box is gross
Last Christmas my mom pissed me off to such a degree that I knew (we both knew) I wouldnāt be back. She still asked me if I was going to fly out next Christmas to see her and I said āno, my husband and I are a family now and Iāll be spending it with just himā. She was pissed. I am 7,000 miles away having the best holiday of my life!
Good for you! Enjoy your holiday with your husband!!
I can fill the full card. I donāt know whether to laugh or cry about that.
/hugs
Ooph
I've been defaulting to laughter for a while now. Less painful. Not sure it's healthy but...
Hope you can find a day to enjoy the holidays without this crap.
So I see we're playing blackout bingo, huh?
For real, the fact that some of these are so specific and yet still apply is sending me.
OP, you have no idea how much weight your post took off my shoulders.
Long story short, we're facing what is likely my BPD mom's final Christmas and I'm drowning in feelings. This bingo card somehow makes it a lot lighter as it intergrades the pain and grief with the absurd comedy that is BPD moms š.
Thank you for this ā¤ļø
Hugs, friend. My BPD mom died in March. Christmas was her favorite time of year, and the time of year she was her best self (such as it was). It's been a weird mix of relief, nostalgia, anger, and grief this year that's been very heavy. The bingo card got a chuckle from me too because damn if it's not a good reminder of all the things im NOT missing about her this year.
Hugs back at you ā¤ļø
Thinking of you, glad it helps you too! Take care of yourself!
This is amazing! Thank you! Feels like someone really gets what Iām going through. So sorry you live with it too.
Might as well mark off expensive, excessive gifts, blames problems on someone else, bringing up the past > decade ago, praising & criticizing within the same hour for the 2 hours Iāll spend with my mom on Xmas. BPD moms are always challenging especially this time of year! Mine has been intermittently giving me the silent treatment all year so Iāve gotten the chance to work on my own boundaries too.
Take care of yourself, wishing you all the best! Thanks again for sharing this fabulous bingo card!
Cute cat, white and black Making biscuits, never slack Sweet girl has a knack
My mum "I'M NOT DOING XMAS AGAIN"
Everyone else "but you don't cook. You just sit there watching everyone else cook" š
my momās famous line was always picking a fight and then yelling āwell merry christmas TO ME!!!!!ā and then fake crying lol. also happened with any other holiday - āwell happy arbor day TO ME!!!!ā
...what does someone even celebrate on Arbor Day?Ā
Trees
Iām a dying laughing at this. The accuracy is impeccable.
This is perfection!
I lolled at the very first square. Mine said Christmas was for babies, so I'm holding her to that and not getting any gifts. My presence is her present.
My dBPD mom just avoids me like the plague on the actual holiday but I do get many of these after the fact. Especially when she shows up with lavish gifts.
Oh, these are all good. Especially the criticizing a gift Iāve given her. Sheās never once approved of anything Iāve ever gotten her, even if it was something she specifically asked for.
Anyone else volunteer to work the festive season so you can avoid another miserable Christmas with drunk uBPD parent whom you very intentionally live very far away from?
No? Just me?
This is amazing. I might adapt the "References past marriages or ex-partners" to simply, "references the past"
Had a square, plus the expansion pack: criticised the gift and gave it back to me five minutes later.
Yup... cards, gifts, anything. Ha. Man, what a... lol.
I tried the 'canāt go wrong with flowers' route once, not long before I went NC. Turns out you can go wrong - apparently they were 'half dead' so she threw them in the bin. Honestly, same energy as our relationship at that point.
So spot on! Thank you, this makes x-mas a bit more fun. Thank god I was able to skip this year and my sister too, we've heard the complaining until 2 weeks ago then she found a friend who was also alone with x-mas. Now it's total silence... Nice but we know that there will be drama in some way at some moment so we're both turning off our phones.
Every x-mas there has been something that was wrong (my behavior, partner, food and of course her age) and the last x-mas she was with me (I live in another country) I put her on a plane back home the 26th, because it escalated too much (she actually should be flying home on the 28th). Best decision I made ever.
I think "Blames problems on someone else" should go on the Free spot. And come to think of it, Bingo is 5 spots across and this only has 4!
I thought the expensive/excessive gifts were just me! They always made me feel a strange mixture of guilt and gratitude. Christmas has always been a difficult time for me, but are so much easier with āno contactā for the last four years. Thank you for making me feel less alone!ā¤ļø
This is awesome. My therapist and I call the time between mid-autumn and the new year "Crazy Peggy Season," because she really ramps up about now. The clock-watching one is so true. My sister and I always talk about how she's constantly begging to be invited to dinner and saying how lonely she is, but when she's here, she can't wait to leave!
The two that aren't on there but would be for our family:
Talking about how all the good music was in her generation and how she feels sorry for the younger generations that don't have good music.
Talking about how she's not going to go to some family holiday event because "Christmas is for family and you should spend it with family." (Last I checked, Ma, you gave birth to me, so that makes you family.)
lol the criticized gift square is spot on. Last year my mom didnāt like her gift and told me to return it and get her something else.
These bingo cards have really really been helping me get through. Any time I start feeling the crazy, I look and see if any new squares got crossed off and I am reminded that I am not alone and that this behavior isnāt normal!!
Yikes on bikes! I got bingo.
A common one for me was "Cries and locks herself in the bathroom when you don't react with enough excitement to the gift she got you, which is random junk and nothing from your list, even though she badgered you to make a list for months"
Lmao
This is the BEST THING I have seen in awhile. Printing this to show it to my Family who can appreciate it.
Happy Holidays!
15/20ā¦every Christmas. Sad.
This is perfection. Would love to share with my brother, husband, and therapist, because they would ALL get it. I hope that's okay!
Turning it into a game -- especially one that can help you laugh about it -- sounds like a great coping mechanism. I hope it helps! Have as great a Christmas as possible, and may you have plenty of non-BPD time in which to enjoy it.
Violins so small you could fit a thousand in a snow globe.
āI am SORRY if Iām not PERFECT like YOUā
buys expensive gifts ? lol she defo would for herself , and not with her money mind you, but with child support money that she has completely stolen to spend on her stupid shit š
Itās not fun if you can mark off every single grid. š¤£š¤£š¤£
I got 8/20. How bad is she?
For reference, I just went to spend 3 days with her. After 2 screaming matches in which she told me "you hate me because you hate yourself" - I am now safe at an airbnb.
Never going to my childhood home again, in a lot of pain about it.
Also in pain I didn't go no or low-contact earlier. I spent 1 decade (my 20s) trying to get love from her.
It's so painful to be totally enmeshed and then need, for your own sanity, to cut her off. It's just so painful. Hang in there everyone.
other things she's said to me over the years:
"you wish your brother was dead" (he's disabled and often doesn't respond to my messages, though I try as much as I can to stay connected with him; I never once wished harm on him; she is clearly projecting. anyways she favored him constantly when we were children, and still does, so the whole comment is crazy.)
"do you think you'd be further in life if you had had more support" (WTF -- crazy comment)
"I'm not a narcissist" (lol)
"you held your head up high" (she would say this instead of congratulating me for Anything.
"only 30 minutes?" (when I was excited about practicing piano--I'm semi-professional)
"why don't you just hang the list on the wall, get it framed? that can be your christmas gift" (about a list I told her I wrote about the mean comments she's made over the years
"can I ask you something?" (my answer was "no") "Is your book about me?" (I'm a professional writer; I do mention her but honestly it's always with care and love in my fiction; the only place I'd write about her like this is reddit, to get support, or with my therapist. I don't think fiction or art in general turns out very good if it's just written in anger. but her question was obviously super boundary-breaking and intended (consciously or not) to sabotage my writing and my art
"I was itinerant like you when I was your age" (....I'm not itinerant.)
bad mouthed my father for 10+ years to me when I was a child, then told me to "have an adult relationship with him"
blamed me instead of my father when I caught him doing something despicable and reached out to her for support (can't even begin to explain this one)
told me constantly that my best childhood friend was a "fair-weather friend" which instilled deep doubt in me about whether or not my friends really like me (I still struggle with this today)
There's so many more. Problem is they are somewhat subtle, so hard to "prove" the damage. She can also randomly say something nice mixed in with it, which honestly makes it worse. If I bring up any of this, she will deny, deflect, ....now she occasionally accepts things or apologizes, but a day later she will turn it around and use what I said as ammunition.
God. Just writing it out.
I wish I had realized sooner.
Would love any feedback if anyone can relate, or if anything thinks I'm overreacting to some of this stuff. I am in therapy but boy, she has really twisted my sense of what is real (?)