Thanksgiving triggers memories of my authoritarian queen mother cooking too much for purposes of theatrical showmanship and then bloviating about how much she suffers with no one to help. However, if I tried to help her in the kitchen, she stubbornly refused to relinquish control while her cassowary claws kept busy in a relentless frenzy to achieve some zenith of Cluster B culinary exaltation.

Her obsessive nature might have resulted in a few extra pies for the holidays, but it also resulted in multifarious martyrdom monologues being emitted from her self-righteous piehole before the dishes met their demise.

Well, last year I practically begged my mom to have Thanksgiving with us because she has no one else to spend the holidays with. She completely refused. This year, I didn’t even ask, and she didn’t ask. I’m glad she won’t be there, but I’m still so hurt that she stopped talking to me because she blew through her savings and I had the audacity to ask her about it. She essentially hasn’t talked to me (and I haven’t talked to her in response because her stonewalling was the final straw) since April.

She recently decided she hates my husband’s sister and rages about her constantly. It’s the only thing she will talk about, is how my sister in law is obsessed with her and won’t stop being so rude to her. She threatened to get in her face a confront her which I told her flat out not to do and my mom freaked out at me. My SIL is 40, btw. Mom is 70. Fighting with a woman who could be her child. None of these slights are real. They’re all imagined bullshit. 

We generally do thanksgiving all together because we don’t have a lot of extended family in the area. But this year my husband has lost his patience with my mom and asked his sister to host. Mom was flat out “im not going to that bitch’s house!!!” So I said great let’s do a separate thing just us. So I’m going to have thanksgiving with my in-laws and my husband/kids and will have a truly peaceful thanksgiving. 

This is my first holiday season since my elderly, manipulative, toxic, waif uBPD passed. It's AWESOME. I was already no contact but the full absence of any lingering guilt this Thanksgiving and Christmas is beyond description.

Don't let anyone tell you you'll definitely regret not being "kinder" after they're gone. In my case at least: Nope.

My mom moved across the country without saying bye, soooo….. I think I’m going to try to stop feeling responsible for her for the first time in my life.

Had to kinda go no contact with my mom. It's just too much. It's every single year. After 20 years, I'm just tired. This started before Halloween and came to a head. Typically we do something with my family for Halloween the weekend before. We didn't have time this year. She didn't come up with alternatives and didn't even ask until a day before the weekend. Fast forward to the day before Halloween. She asks if my kids are going trick or treating and asks to come with. I tell her sure but we're going with my husbands family too (I told her because she doesn't like them). She declines. Radio silence for a few days until I get a text telling me how nice it would have been had we stopped by on Halloween after trick or treating. I kinda lost my shit. I ended it with I can't do this anymore. Got a text from her yesterday with basically the same old lines. "I was a horrible mother," "I tried my best," etc. I just can't do this anymore. The guilt trips when it doesn't go down exactly how she wants. The fact that she has said before I we don't do the holiday together on the actual day of the holiday, then it doesn't mean as much. So I told her I'm stepping back. She didn't respond. So now I deal with the guilt of going NC even though my kids love my parents (they see them once or twice a month. They aren't awful grandparents). I don't know what to say to my kids because we do do holiday stuff with my family and I don't think this year we will. I also have the added guilt that this is going to be what sends my mom over the cliff. She's made an attempt before and I'm worried she's waiting to try again to try and ruin the holidays for everyone around her for the rest of their lives. It's just. Too. Much.

This is my first holiday season where I have freed my self from the tentative planning and back and forth of maybe seeing my family. No more hoping that we will get to celebrate on the actual day we set or placing the entire week on hold to let tantrums fade. Going no contact was a gift to myself because I get to plan exclusively with friends this season, no worries. Wishing ya’ll lots of peace and genuine enjoyment with those that have the capacity to exist with you 💛

This is the first Thanksgiving in a very long time (honestly, I can't remember how long) that we won't be spending with my uBPD mom and stepdad (or, we won't be spending it alone because we were going to spend it with them, but one of them had health issues at the last minute). Although we've been mostly NC since May, she reminded me in a recent email that Thanksgiving is "her favorite holiday," but she had surgery about a week and a half ago so she was going to miss it (however, she very much exaggerated the severity of the surgery and how long she would be in the hospital- that's a story for another post). We honestly always felt that we had to spend it with them, because I'm an only child and there was always some guilt attached. That's not to say that we didn't have some enjoyable Thanksgivings with them, because we did; last year was pretty fun and mostly drama free. We'll actually be spending it with some of my husband's extended family (who have invited us in the past); they have kids close in age to ours and the kids are really looking forward to it. I don't know, but I still feel sad about it in a way- I know part of it is FOG, but despite what she's said and done I still care about her and feel sad for her.

I have a really nice group of in-laws that I’m looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with. I feel like this is the first year I’m going to get a Thanksgiving that I legitimately feel zero stress about.

The first few times I attended their dinner, I couldn’t believe that it was actually a safe place and I felt braced for being yelled at the entire day. This time I feel like I trust that it’s a safe place going in, and I won’t have to hold that tension in my body.

My parents insist on going to dinner with all of their incredibly abusive siblings that they hate, so that they’ll have something to complain about for a few weeks. I’m done inviting them to the actually nice dinner with my in-laws just for them to spurn the invitation and eat with rapists that they hate instead. They don’t get one this year.

Holidays haven’t even started yet and when we went to my grandparents my mom was in a frenzy and acting upset about how to organize our sleeping arrangements for no reason, there wasn’t really a problem and it got solved pretty easily. I think it’s because she and her siblings were hit a lot by their parents that she tends to catastrophize 😭

One positive to my husband and I living in the UK is that I (US citizen who immigrated to the UK) throw a friendsgiving with zero fucks given about disappointing / dealing with my uBPD mom and her Cluster B sisters.

It’s been 18 months since the last time I spoke with my mom. I still don’t know why she abruptly stopped calling or picking up when I called. In the past, when she’d get pissed off at me for some perceived slight or imagined betrayal, she’d at last still phone for Thanksgiving and Christmas. No word from her last year. Probably not again this year.

Oh well, I have my new family and my chosen family for the holidays, which are the ones who matter most!

Usually we get along fairly well until the holidays, a blow up happens and I pull back (she responds by ignoring me) for weeks or months. This year we did it at the beginning of October so she’s in her happy reconciliation mood now just in time for the holidays. Might do this every year hahaha

going home for thanksgiving and still unsure how it’ll go…previously on an angry phone call my mom ordered i cook for her but there’s been no follow up on that (and she often makes demands/threats that she doesn’t follow through on - she’d much rather cook herself). i also want to leave on saturday for friendsgiving (and not to stay too long) but not sure how to tell her (so hard not to JADE when she demands that i have a “real” reason to leave…). i only realized my mom had uBPD a few months ago after a lot of fighting and this is the first holiday season where we are not on good terms. pretty nervous about how it will go, even being home in my childhood home, i can feel my body holding a lot of tension and i don’t know how to relax 😞

Just a reminder for today, as you may be placed in the same room as a Toxic Family Shit Storm:

Act in alignment with values. Before you act, think 'what would my best, most reasonable self do here?'

And most importantly, use this to help keep your boundaries strong. You know they want you to, so do it: put yourself in BPDparents' shoes! Someone you care about has told you, very clearly, they are taking a break from communicating with you/don't want you in their house/does not want to discuss sensitive personal topics etc. You likely feel hurt, sad, angry and all sort of other things - but what would you do?

Would you accept their boundary as valid, knowing that you do not have to agree with boundaries to respect them or

...would you keep trying to do it anyway and then berate them the next time you happened to be in the same room together, in someone else's house, during Thanksfuckinggiving?

I'd imagine you'd find it hard to even make the leap. Because there's nothing reasonable about that shit! So don't get drawn into an unreasonable conversation.

We live states away from my dBPD mom and my on the spectrum dad. So it hasn’t been a regular expectation that we do Thanksgiving with them for a while. But my husband went NC with his local narcissistic parents last year that we used to do Thanksgiving with. This year it was literally us and our two kids. That’s it. We weren’t strangled by guilt from our parents because we have the space we need. But I’m still grieving that we don’t have reliable parents for ourselves and reliable grandparents for our kids. It would be nice if just for once I had an older adult I could actually rely on to do normal things like play with the kids or cook a Turkey.

Last year my sister nagged to the point of harassment for a month and half to get me and partner (who was working in another state) to drive 5 hours to her house for Thanksgiving. 

It all started because she told me was doing a thanksgiving that year for the first time in a long time and I told her good for you, it sounds like fun and it’s too bad I can’t come. Cue a month and a half of her asking, texting, begging, being passive aggressive to straight up aggressive. Full flip out. 

She then devalued me, and didn’t text for a few weeks. She then invited my abusive BPD mom and sister she claims to be VLC with to Christmas. Whatever future chance of me ever spending a holiday with her vanished when she did that. 

I was NC with her for 6 months this year but am now VLC. I was so relieved to not get a whiff of an invitation. Not have to deal with how weird, entitled and controlling she is over my time and the holidays. 

This year my partner is home, it’s just us and our cats. No stress. He might cook a turkey he might not. I’m on a weird limited diet for health reasons. We might watch a holiday movie, we might nap, might go for a walk, maybe all three. It’s our time together, no expectations and no obligations. 

My BPD mom blows up before or on EVERY holiday or event since I can remember.. I’m 6 week post baby and we had a falling out 4 weeks ago and it’s continuously gotten worse even tho I limited contact.

She called me 2 days ago and said she hadn’t heard from me and I told her it’s because I’m going through a lot right now. She then talked about asking my aunt on my dad’s side with help moving to South Carolina because she needed a change.. We’re in Va, I told her I thought that would be wonderful. I could hear her getting upset and she goes into a rage about not having any family that care about her and I’m keeping her grandchildren away from her to purposely hurt her.

She split on me, my 8 year old and 1 year old in February at my house and I vowed I’d never put my kids through that ever again. I had a newborn daughter in October after having 2 boys and I absolutely refuse to EVER let her meet her after the way I was raised and she treated my brother like the golden children. She for some reason only values men.

My father had one of his typical waifs last week before last for my birthday and has already had a different one last week. I'm sure it'll be like this every week from now until sometime in March, between holidays and birthdays.

Thanks to @yoyoadrienne for posting this in a comment a few days ago:

Let go of the mother you wish she was and accept her for the mother she is.

I’ve revised a little and am hoping I can keep it in mind as I spend Thanksgiving with several cluster B family members:

Let go of the family you wish they were and accept them for the family they are. 

Home for Thanksgiving. Finally crossed the threshold of actually hating my Mom within the past year or so, mostly due to her abuse of my Dad who is disabled with dementia. It's clearly logically reasonable to hate her, because she behaves in such mean, vindictive, petty, manipulative, rude, immature, miserable, cruel, and out-of-control ways. But I still feel like... biologically drawn in. It's like some part of me still believes there must be a normal Mom somewhere in there. It's such a weird feeling hating my mom -- it feels like trying to override my programming.

Just reflecting on some things. I started routine gratitude practice a few years ago, and while I definitely aspire to be more consistent, even the inconsistent version has been really worth it. Semi relatedly, I also aspire to have years where I don't acknowledge Thanksgiving at all. In my own life, as much as possible, I want to detach gratitude practice (which I value) with a holiday that means very little to me, has certain problematic historical aspects, and which I'd prefer not to celebrate.

Also been thinking about the feeling I had for many years, and sometimes still have, of being so outside and alienated from this whole season. Holidays left either "fake" or "BS" or "not for me." After all, growing up they were a time for parental BPD explosions, preceded by weeks of bullying or manipulating people into setting up decorations and cleaning and whatnot to an unrealistically high standard. A big show, put on by a demanding, always-miserable, unsatisfyable director. I couldn't relate to all the sentimentality and nostalgia and warmth that people on TV or at school seemed to have about the season. (to be fair, the ones on TV were usually trying to sell me something, so maybe the unrelatable feeling is at least better for my wallet?)

Occasionally, I've had more pleasant holiday experiences with people I'm not related to. I can respect and appreciate that for some, there's a sincere meaningfulness here that I neither disbelieve nor scoff at. My pwBPD-tainted childhood memories aren't everyone's norm, and they are part of why I felt ambivalent or averse when others didn't. I guess that's progress? As for me though. When I think the words "what if I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving at all next year?" it literally makes me smile. Relief. Laying down something that was never mine to hold. I don't belong to them now, I get to choose.

This season triggers so much dread in me. Christmas music makes my bones itch. It was played over the stereo at both grandparents' houses while the grown ups drank heavily and presents were given. I can't put a finger on why it was so traumatizing but I'm beginning to wonder if it's because there was no way to escape. Even if it's not a horrible setting, you can't leave. You're trapped. And I'm autistic so loud frenetic constant noise will trigger me into a shutdown or meltdown and those things were never calm.

One year, my uncle was trying to tell me a joke and my BPD mother was loudly telling something to my NPD grandfather. I was trying to hard to hear my uncle but she kept interrupting bc she had to be the loudest fucking thing in the room. Eventually I snapped and said "shut up!"

The room went dead silent. And she was livid. She told me to go sit in the car. Mind you, the party was nowhere near over. But I climbed into our van and curled up in one of the seats. I didn't feel bad though. Then my father came out and told me to come back in bc my aunt was threatening to leave if I was going to be forced to freeze outside. He added "I hope you're happy. You've ruined Christmas."

We were staying in a hotel bc of home renovations and I don't remember anything after getting to my room but I'm sure I got the silent treatment again.

Does anyone else find that non-NC/LC family members “change” after spending time with BPD parents? I’m not sure there is a difference in behavior or if it’s learned misapprehension from a lifetime of BPD shit-stirring.

I keep telling myself that I can’t control what others think of me, and just keep trying to be a good person without getting dragged into the mud.

Really struggling with whether I should go home for Thanksgiving with just my mom and dad there or just stay alone in my apartment. Last year my BPD dad blew up on me and said I ruined Thanksgiving because I forgot to remind him to make broccoli (?), then sat at the table and refused to eat. (He told me on Christmas Day later that he’d wished I’d just die already, which is what prompted me to move out.) I love my mom to death and enjoy spending time with her, but she never stands up for me when my dad blows up. Not sure what to do, since I have absolutely no friends in the city I’m living in.

She (uBPD mother, 70's) and still enmeshed nephew (19) that she raised are on their way here for Thanksgiving. Originally were going to leave Friday, now she's come up with excuses to stay until Saturday, but I'm not changing my Saturday to accommodate.

Wish me luck - all the big things I have going on in my life are things I am absolutely not sharing with them, so it's going to be several days of not accidentally saying something that she'll pick up on - because as emotionally immature as she may be, she is hyper aware of little things that may indicate she might be "abandoned" or of anything that she feels like she could latch onto/should have had instead of it being spent elsewhere...

She's on a very strict information diet due to how she's been acting lately (anything good in our lives she turns into being about her, or in her mind if we could do x, then we should "owe" her y and z and the rest of the alphabet....), and sister and I both are sick of it, so neither of us are sharing much of anything outside of work and our pets. Trips, vacations, friends, hobbies, etc we keep on the DL.

My move plans are a big one I can't slip up on the next few days - which is tough when it's consuming so much of my mental and physical capacity right now, but I'm not telling her until I have a closing date on the house, otherwise the guilt trips will start in earnest, along with the drama about - who knows what - but I don't even want to deal with that until I'm for sure moving, which won't be happening until I'm closing on selling this house. Until then, the entire plan is up in the air, and I don't need her drama on top of it all.

So for the next 3 days just have to have it in my head that nothing is changing in my life - ever lol.

It was four years ago that my mother (with help from sister and niece) changed the locks and told me not to go near the property, without explanation, making me surprise homeless between Thanksgiving and Christmas, in the middle of a medical emergency caused by medications.

When I reconnected a year later, she and my sister were furious with me for "disappearing," as if they hadn't done something that sent a clear message they wanted nothing to do with me.

So, this time of year had been especially hard since then.

Holy COW, the holidays!! Here's a little one, just for fun. (And of course, this occurred among many awful, heavy, and frustrating moments throughout the rest of Thanksgiving day.) My 70-something but absolutely capable uBPD waif/hermit mom wants everyone to know just how much suffering and sacrifice go into "being a mom." So, while everyone was still eating and talking and long before it felt right to clear the table, she got up and started carrying things from the table to the kitchen ONE ITEM AT A TIME to drag out the task for maximum theater. Literally, y'all, one fork, to the dishwasher.... one bowl... one plate... one butter knife. Like, she held each object with both hands, while hanging her head like Eeyore, moseying back and forth. "I toll and suffer for thee, not for me!"

I (31) am having a hard time tonight with my BPD Mom. I had to hang up on a phone conversation because she was telling me how ungrateful and disrespectful I am for really no reason. She always gets so upset at christmastime, christmas eve is also her birthday, and anything sets her off. I was going to book a flight home to see her for Christmas but it's honestly always so hard and stressful and a mess. She has tried to take her life several times and it always scares me that if I don't do whatever she exactly wants that she will try again. It's just a lot and it's hard.

Should I stay or should I go? 🪩💃🏼

Hi y’all.

I went home for Christmas last night (19th Dec) and I thought I could make it if nobody yelled at me. I in fact can’t make it.

I can’t take her faking, I can’t take the utter distrust I have for my entire family (you can check my post history if you wish) I can’t take everyone pretending that nothing ever happened and if it did, then I deserved it.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not financially dependent on uBPD Mom, I just went home this Xmas to get some of my last stuff.

The problem is.

I have to stay until the Monday 22nd in the morning to get some important documents in town. And on Tuesday the 23rd she has tickets she bought back in July (before the blow up happened) to a concert I impulsively agreed to go to in a spur of thinking maybe it’s gonna make her love me. My part costs like 60€, which is nothing for my Mother but I’d still feel bad about it.

I WANT TO LEAVE BACK TO MY UNI TOWN/COUNTRY SO BAD. SO FREAKING BAD. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

And I’m also frightened to no end about it…

Its my kids first christmas and my ubpd parent has pulled the cancer card. I asked for proof and the document said cancer cells are present but surgery needed to remove and test further. Ive seen how its used a lot in this group but i cant believe its happening now. I also lost a parent this year so it just seems bad timing. While talking about plans to travel the parent brought this up and said tell no one and then proceeded to tell my grandma and other family members that we will visit. Its basically stage 0 but i know this parent will be dramatic and make it about them this holiday. 🙄