I was invited to a wedding in October. I bought a dress, plane tickets, gifts, etc. A week before the wedding, I received a TEXT saying “It would be a good idea for you to not attend the wedding.” No reason was given. Then I was blocked on everything. Details: This was my baby girl that did this to me. I raised her. Her father was an abusive alcoholic and I was finally able to escape that marriage after four years. I put her through college and continued to help her financially anytime she needed help with absolutely no judgment. If I had it-I gave it to her. This was soul crushing. Her father inherited some money and paid for her wedding. I had given her $3,000 towards a dress right after her engagement thinking we would go dress shopping together. They used the money for bills (which was fine with me but did hurt a bit). This all went down in October and I can’t function. She was not only my daughter, but my best friend. The text damn near killed me. My husband (her stepdad) spoke to her and she told him she let her fiancée take her phone and reply to my texts several times pretending to be her. (Even more heartbreaking.) The last time I spoke to them on the phone, they were headed on a short vacation with her father & his family. She’s done this so many times throughout the years and I always told her have fun, but be safe! When I asked them what they were up to (they were in their car) they said they were visiting a friend with a brain tumor when they were actually going on the vacation. She’d never lied to me before to that extent. Literally made me sick to my stomach since a dear friend of mine died of brain cancer. I would love some sane answers because I’m not ok right now.😭
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If your ex is anything like mine, and I truly hope he is not, he filled her head full of lies and his rewritten history so he is the wronged and hurt party in the relationship and he is the one who was screwed over, too. I really hope I am wrong because it is impossible to fight lies, especially when you do not even know what was said. Plus, rewritten history is impossible to disprove. It is all horrible and evil and meant to completely destroy your relationship with your child(ren). I am very sorry for your pain.
This wouldn’t surprise me at all…. Thank you.
This is the behavior of a domestic abuser to isolate and control the other person.
I'm sorry both of you had to go through this.
Do you and your not get along. I'm think ing since he paid alot of money for wedding that he didn't want you there. They wont give you a reason????? AWFUL. I'M SO SORRY. I would go to her house (where ever she lives ) and ask her why
He tried to kill me. That’s why I left him. He was an abusive alcoholic. However, I invited him to every single school event along with his parents. They showed up a few times but her father never did. Now he’s whining that I told him to stay away-LIES. I arranged a sweet 16 party for her & all her friends. He never attended or offered to help pay for it. I planned an amazing graduation party with so many people, decorated, even a huge chocolate fountain! He came to that and we were very civil for HER.
Have your husband check with her that this horrible message actually came from her.
I never thought of that! He would definitely do that for me. Thank you!
Let's hope for the best!
I need a good outcome/resolution. I already apologized for whatever I did, but that didn’t matter. It’s started to affect my health.
I can't imagine how painful this must be for you.
We would talk/text several times a day and BOOM. She throws me away. Sometimes it’s hard to even breathe. Thank you so much for replying and caring ♥️
Lots of love from me to you!
😭😭😭 You have no idea how badly I needed that. Thank you, new friend!🥹
My step daughter has poisoned a lot of her friends into thinking I was a horrible stepmother to her. Not true. Her dad and I have helped her through a lot of her difficult times and now that he has passed will have nothing to do with me. I I don’t make myself sick trying to figure out what went wrong; I just want to be happy, so I cut all communication. Has worked like a charm for me. I’m too old to worry at this stage in my life.
*She hasn’t blocked him on anything. Just me.😭
Her dad is paying for the wedding and his angle may be to make it about him by hurting you. He will show his true colors again, when the money is gone.
Oh and your future son in law is probably an abuser like her dad. A man, to do that to his fiance's mother, is most likely an abuser. That is probably the bigger issue. He is trying to isolate her and those are the types that are also likely child molesters so beware.
That was my original gut feeling. He is an alcoholic as is her new husband. They are the best of buddies. Drunk pics of my ex & her husband all over instagram (my current husband isn’t blocked). Lots with their arms around each other, etc. It makes me 🤢.
I think you have your answer. Adult addicts don't let go of their drinking and drug buddies unless they must. If abusive dad and fiance are both alcoholics in love, she is trapped. She just doesn't know it yet.
Kids of abusive families have a lot of emotional work to do before they can stop the "please love me" voice that drives them (us). I think your daughter is in for a world of hurt. Unfortunately, she has part of your heart, so you are going along for the ride. It is very hard to watch someone you love suffer and be able to do nothing. Find your rock. You will need it. A parent support group? A group for family members of addicts? Faith? Moving to Brazil and leaving no forwarding address?
Something so you can stand firm and not be in constant pain.
You have to let her go. There is nothing you can do now that won't just make the wall bigger when she comes back. It will take a long time. It may never happen. It took my sister 25 years of a house on fire life and her husband dying due to alcoholism before she could find her way out.
I'm so sorry for all of you.
She isnt trapped if there are no kids
//
Unfortunately, yes…they are married and they have decided not to have any children (Thank God). Thank you so very much for your input!!🥰
Strongly suggest an IUD. Do not believe anything out of the mouth of an abuser
Before I take a stance I would like to know her side of the story. Sorry to say that, but with emotional family stuff, there's always 2 sides to a story; wonder what the daughter's take is
Agreed 💯!!! I’m an open book. I’d like to hear her side, too. I’ve already apologized for whatever I did (which was completely unintentional). I have always owned my mistakes as a parent. I completely agree with you.
The way you’ve worded this makes me wonder if it is missing missing reasons. Specifically saying you apologized for whatever you did, as though your apology was “sorry you were upset” and not “I’m sorry I did this specific thing that I understand now hurt you.” Not saying that is the situation, but want to ask.
You misunderstood. I apologized for WHATEVER I did to hurt her. I would rather die than hurt her in any way.
Do you know what it was that hurt her? What action of yours?
ugh. i hate parents who make their children a part of their relationship bullshit. my wife and i split 8 years ago with a now 12 year old daughter. trying hard not to do this to her but slowly finding out even shit we think we're saying under our breath or gut facial reactions still get a message across. wishing you the best.
It’s awful. I kept all the BS between us but they do tend to get an earful, anyway. They are just innocent bystanders.
Screenshoot text. Get you money back on your expenses. Send a nice card. You are done. She has ended your responsibility and relationship. Please find joy elsewhere. It wouldn't kill me too but life goes on. She's made her bed. You owe her nothing else: no money, no time, no effort, no wasted love.
I think this is the best advice I’ve gotten so far. Thank you!!
Seems to be many "missing reasons" here.
Obviously.
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
No, dummy. Read.
Stop apologizing. Stop contacting her. Just stop! Your daughter has betrayed you. Be it your ex filling her head with lies… whatever it doesn’t matter. She betrayed you. She hurt you deeply. Your daughter is an adult and is responsible for her actions. You sacrificed for her, loved her and supported her. She kicked you to the curb. She wanted her AH father’s money for her wedding and she’s sacrificed you for that money. Your daughter isn’t a nice person. She’s a shallow superficial liar. It’s time for tough love. Had to use it twice with my adult children in extreme circumstances that I can say with absolute certainty were not my fault. It had a positive resolution after many months.As awful as it is tough love is necessary in some situations.
You don’t have to allow your adult children to hurt you especially when you’ve done nothing wrong. They don’t have that right. Your daughter took the $3k you gave her for her wedding and used it for bills. You gave her that money because you loved her and wanted to help her have her dream day. She took it and made you feel unimportant. She uninvited you from her wedding. Your daughter doesn’t deserve you right now. She’s happily hurting you if she benefits from it. That’s not acceptable.
Remove yourself from the relationship. Don’t contact her. Don’t ask her what’s wrong. Don’t. Live your life. Each day will get easier. You must protect yourself or you won’t survive. Make the choice to be happy with or without your daughter. That doesn’t mean you don’t love her. That doesn’t mean you won’t ever have a relationship. It means that you’ve taken control of your life and will no longer allow her to hurt you. You must do this for you. It’s not selfishness. It’s self preservation.
🏆 You saved my sanity let alone my life. Thank you. This has been eating me alive.
I'm just going to go by the information provided - are there missing reasons? Maybe. I'm not a perfect parent and neither are you. Maybe you did something wrong...but was it don't come to my wedding/you're blocked on everything wrong? That seems extreme so if you did do something, I'd expect it to be something pretty major.
Back to the point - based on the info, she's sounding greedy, I ungrateful and disloyal. She's buttering the toast that's handing her the most benefit. It used to be you. Now it's him. Obviously your $3000 didn't cut it. If she's old enough to get married...she's old enough not to get 'manipulated' by her alcoholic dad who was absent during her formative years. She's not a child so that argument doesn't fly with me. She's choosing what she's choosing, regardless of who is writing her texts.
I would die before hurting her in any way and she knows that. I’ve begged to know what I did and everything is so weird and fuzzy. No straight answer. The fact that her now husband and my ex are “Team Alcoholic” buddies is ringing bells. Her husband is a carbon copy of my abusive ex, sadly.
This sounds like the "woe is me" tale of a no contact mother who definitely never did anything to deserve this treatment as long as we don't ask their kids
WTF are you talking about?! Me? No contact? You should see my bank statements. I have helped get out monthly until all this mysterious shit went down. Thousands of dollars. I was a non judgmental ear. We were shopping buddies her entire childhood-young adulthood. It was ME that worked, cleaned, taxi service, and her biggest fan for every event she attended.
Ah yes, the toxic "I pAiD fOr EvErYtHiNg So YoU oWe Me YoUr UnDyInG gRaTiTuDe" mother.
I've got one of those.
Yes this is a threat not j for you but your child!!!
This was from my daughter to me…supposedly. She let her fiancé have access to her phone and reply to my texts pretending to be her.
HOW did I threaten her?!
This is your daughter. That doesn't change with space and time.
Give her space and time. In the meantime kids aren't placeholders for friends. Lives and purposes continue when we have kids. We continue to be ourselves and share our world with them, not dump everything and refuse to make new friends the second we have them. That is unnecessary pressure on the mother/daughter dynamic to expect her to fulfill all those additional needs of yours.
Sounds like you did great getting her to adulthood. You need to let her make her own world know. When she matures and starts involving you again, make sure it's a mutually beneficial energy exchange and not her preying on your needs of attachment to her.
Sounds like a shitty situation but you just gotta feel the feels and go on with your life. Sounds like some things have been destabilizing for awhile.
You made an effort to be a part of her wedding in some way It was essentially thrown in your face. You did your duty. She didn't uphold her end of this energy exchange. So it's time to put down your end. You can pick it back up when she picks her end back up.
But no amount of hohding up your end is going to make you a better parent. Just an easier mark. And being an easy mark won't force her to grow up like she needs to.
Look after yourself and find new and positive connections where you find joy and are appreciated. If she's ever gonna come back around then it'll be after she's gotten over this current trajectory she's on. It's ok to let her come to you when she's ready. She needs the lesson in gratitude .
You need the lesson in Independence. And your ex needs the lesson in this no longer being a battle between you and him with her in the middle.
Respectfully, I would go to the wedding, anyway. I wouldn't impose myself on the arrangements of the occasion, but would take a seat of lesser importance. I would accept a place of greater importance only when invited to that place by the bride, and I would not apologize for my presence.
If you got a text, what was the originating number?
She grew up and became your ex. It's a common story.
I've read this. No it's not a threat. it's picking between parents. Given what was said, this also tells me there is a hell of a lot more to the story that is not being said.
This whole post smacks of "he said, she said, and then there is the truth"
He being my ex? Of course he’ll never admit to damn near killing me. What man outright admits to beating his wife?
No, but given that your daughter appears to be picking him over you, that says that there is something else at play.
And I am sorry you went through that abuse. I grew up in that kind of household. My most cardinal rule is do not lay hands on a woman in anger or in violence
Ask her flat out WTF
SHE. BLOCKED. ME! Please read the above comments Ffs. I DID ask hey a she wouldn’t tell me. Then I was immediately blocked.
My mom was my biggest cheerleader and best friend and it kills me every day I don't have her to hug or hear her say "hey girls..." when she calls us on the phone.
I cannot imagine the things your ex may have said to make you the bad guy.
I'd give anything to hear my mother's voice or smell her perfume again. I ache for your pain and sorrow.
Please know mother's mean something to some of us that could never be forgotten. I hope you get some solace.