My child was born 3 days ago . So far things are going fine.my husband was there throughout delivery process.
Post delivery my emotional state is not so good.
I feel like my husband is getting too close to his family and sharing each and every status update such as health of the baby with his parents and sister,which I am finding it bit too overwhelming.He is a 37 year old man and has a family of his own,why does he have to share each and everything of our new born child with his parents and sister. I understand he is excited to be a new born dad.
His family is bit dominating and my parents are introverts with a very submissive nature, which i detest and inherited it as a trait from them.
Is this normal behavior and will it die down after the initial excitement is over?Am I overthinking and getting unnecessarily stressed about it?
Pl advise.
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I think it’s very natural to want to share details with your loved ones. Especially the hard parts. It creates a sense of community. And helps you to feel supported.
I’m currently receiving 5-10 texts a day from my sister in law who just had her and my brothers second baby. I get poop pictures, worries about formula, breathing etc. I’m just a support person.
When I had my first I kept my parents updated on detail. They love her so much and are very involved in her care. I needed then to know when she had issues with asthma. I also needed lots of advice.
Sharing about baby is normal. Sharing your medical info would be a step too far.
What are the things he’s sharing that you’re uncomfortable with? The newborn stage is such a whirl of emotions.
What impact does his (over)sharing have on you? Is it that he's not present with you because he's on the phone? Is it that he is sharing private health info about you or baby that you want to keep private? Is it that his interactions with his family are leading to you having to interact with them more than you want?
Whatever it is, find a way to articulate it in clear terms and make a clear request.
A lot of women struggle with hormones, emotions, etc in first weeks/months of giving birth. I know a lot of new mums who became very territorial with their firstborn. Some of the reasoning is warranted, some is just hormones going crazy. I think you should talk to your husband calmly about it but also try to move your energy and thoughts on something else? (I know it’s easier said than done).
As a mom of a boy it’s always heartbreaking to me to read/think about a situation, when a son shouldn’t be close to his parents in older age. Of course, it very much depends on his parents and overall dynamics. I think it’s beautiful that your husband wants to share these moments with his family, no matter the age.
Yes, wanting to share with the people he’s close to is normal, especially for a brand new dad. But it’s also reasonable for you to have boundaries around what you’re comfortable sharing. We haven’t had our baby yet but my husband comes from a family of oversharers and I’m very private, so I understand how you feel.
I would take some time to think through the specifics of why this bothers you. How is it actually affecting you? What are the things that you absolutely don’t want shared? What things are okay for him to share, even if you personally wouldn’t? From there you can have a conversation with him about it.
Congratulations on your newborn!! Id encourage you to have an open conversation with your husband about what you are happy for him to share and what you are not happy for him to share and come to an agreement together. It does sound normal to me that he is excited and sharing pictures and updates with his family. I could imagine he is beaming with pride of you and your baby. Keep checking in with your emotions though as post partem depression/anxiety and rage can be quick at times.
OP just want to say day 3 and 4 ish are absolutely awful and you are currently having a massive dip in hormones so things that would usually only cause you mild annoyance can feel a lot bigger. It sounds like he’s just excited and wants to share his new baby with his family unless there’s something specific he’s sharing that you want to keep private and you’ve not mentioned it. If your low mood doesn’t improve over the next few days please make sure to speak up and get some support. I would at the very least advise trying not to focus on it while you’re in this immediate post partum phase and if it’s still something upsetting you in a few days then bring it up. I just know myself the hormone dip impacts me a lot and when it balances out those things didn’t bother me any more.
You’ve been through a Lot and your hormones are going wild.
He’s a super proud dad.
lol, this was literally me and my husband. He wanted every stranger to hold the baby and I was like don’t you dare pass my baby to anyone.
It gets better but I also just said he’s my baby.
I’m already preparing to say, even through gritted teeth, “I’m not ready for that yet”.
yes this is normal for families that are very close. if he was raised in a family that shares the good bad and the ugly for support, then that's actually a pretty healthy arrangement and it makes perfect sense that he's confiding in and divulging to his family if that's what he's done his whole life. if it makes you that uncomfortable to share certain things, just tell him that you would prefer he not mention things like xyz right now. It might die down but it might not if this is how he was raised unless you talk to him about what makes you uncomfortable. as an aside, if you don't like how you were raised, maybe its a good thing for you to allow some sharing and maybe even do some of that yourself to build a support network. are you close with his siblings or your in-laws? maybe it would make you feel better if you were part of the conversation too? maybe not but just a thought. post-partum time is stressful, and everyone handles stress differently. i appreciated support and listening ears when i could find them. maybe that would work for you as well, but if not that's ok too.
First of all congrats on the baby! I echo what everyone here said about the struggles after childbirth.
That said, having a close family is one of life’s greatest blessings. Having a close bond with your parents and siblings isn’t something that you “grow out of”. Of course, with all the caveats of having boundaries when it comes to intimate/private info about your spouse etc.
When our children grow up, wouldn’t we all want them to stay close with us and their siblings?
Congratulations, first of all!
Second of all, I think your new mom hormones are getting the best of you. I can relate completely! There’s something about the in-laws when you have a new baby. Even if they’re great people, for some reason you kind of want them to leave you and baby alone. I think it’s just biological, like they are not your “pack” so you are essentially trying to protect baby from them even though it’s totally illogical. In-laws also tend to be more overbearing, probably because they want to be a part of the baby’s life but since they aren’t related to the baby’s mom by blood, they feel it necessary to insert themselves while your own parents know that you will gladly bring baby around them, share updates, etc.
When my baby was born, my parents knew their place, never insisting on seeing baby or holding baby or asking for updates. They simply waited and hoped for these things.
My in-laws on the other hand called, texted, stopped by, and/or offered multiple forms of help daily. I was annoyed by that plus filled with rage at the sight of MIL holding baby or even just talking to her. Now that baby is 2 months old, they have toned it back a good bit, and my hormones have died down to the point that I can handle them with her within reason (I still have my limits).
But back to you…. Is your husband offering the info or are they asking or both?
Thank you for your kind words. Its a combination of both.
People sharing information about me or my son drove me crazy those first few weeks but I realised it was not malicious. I just asked to not be part of the group chats or to be asked questions. Took the out of sight out of mind approach. Helped a lot once I was not getting hourly comments on my day to day life. My only boundary was to not share pictures of me or specifics on my recovery.
What he is doing sounds very normal. As others have mentioned you are going through a huge hormonal dip at this point and things will feel surreal and you won't fully feel like yourself. Your statement regarding he is a 37 year old man with his own family now why would he be sharing information with his mother and sister is a bit of a wild statement, most people don't cut off their families when they have their own children, if anything they lean on them more because you will require support throughout your postpartum journey. Maybe there is more to it that we don't know and he's sharing specific private information you don't want people to know but if that's the case you need to communicate clearly what is ok and what is not ok to share. I had PPD when I had my first (from the first day) and I didn't want to talk to anyone and found trying to update people and keep up with their questions extremely difficult and emotionally draining. When I had my second I was completely fine and I was on the phone nearly every minute I was awake updating my own mum and my mother in law (we are very very close) on every detail about baby and what he was up to with regards to feeds, nappys, naps. Make sure your husband knows how you feel and is on board with your boundaries but at the same time be aware that this is a huge deal for him too and he will want to share in his joy with his family and he shouldn't feel like he can't talk to his family especially if he needs an emotional outlet too.
Still have a week to go, but in the beginning how much my partner shared with his family drove me a little crazy, but in the end they ended up being super supportive of me. I thought they’d be domineering, but they weren’t. Not the way I thought they’d be.
I did, however, tell him “especially postpartum, I’m going to be zero support for you. I’ll need all the help and I won’t be able to return the favor too much. You need your own team.” Even now, about to pop, I give him kindness, gratitude, I make the plan and have him help me make it happen, and I occasionally rub his head to help him rest. But that’s actually a LOT less than who I usually present in this relationship. He has taken SO much load, especially in the last month, and that will only grow for him.
For our situation, the fact that he has his family so he’s not leaning on me for all of those needs is huge and detrimental. I need him to have others. I know for a fact if he’s taken care of, I’m taken care of. And if I’m taken care of, the baby will be taken care of. That’s how we’ve managed it. His family wants to be very involved (mine is going through some stuff and not able to be there as much as they’d like), and honestly, we’re gonna need it. I’ve already warned them “I may be super antisocial and protective of the baby” and I’m sure we’ll run into issues with that, but he needs his own support system and we need a village.
Just a different perspective in case it helps at all.
I understand the enmeshment issue completely