I (40F) am pregnant with my first child, a boy. My husband (34M) and I have decided we don't want any visitors in the hospital during labor and delivery as it would cause too many distractions and stress me out. We are okay with people coming to visit the next day, but I have some "rules" that I would like people to follow. Considering I am going to be giving birth in January, at the height of flu, RSV and Covid season, I am asking that all of my visitors be up to date on their vaccines (Covid, flu, RSV and Tdap). My parents, mom (82F) and dad (86M) are of the Boomer generation and very into the propaganda that says vaccinations are dangerous and have refused to get the Covid vaccine. Today, when I told my mom about this she said to me "I've never gotten the Covid vaccine and have never gotten Covid because God is my vaccine." I told her that I would be willing to be lax with the Covid vaccine as long as she agreed to the flu, RSV and Tdap vaccinations and that if they were not willing to get these, they would unfortunately not be allowed to hold my son until he is fully vaccinated. I also said something along the lines of "not just trusting God to protect my baby but also believing in science." She got really quiet and said she would "talk to her doctor about what is in the RSV vaccine" and decide if she was okay with this or not. I then sent her a couple of scientific articles about why it's important to have loved ones be vaccinated when they are going to be seeing your infant (poor immune systems, unable to fight off infections, deadly viruses, CDC recommendations, ect.). I also said I was considering just not having any visitors at the hospital. I got no response. So, what I would like to know is if anyone else has had to deal with this and if so, what how did you handle it? Am I being too strict or am I being reasonable? Should I even allow visitors at the hospital during the height of flu/illness season? Thank you in advance!
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I think it's very reasonable to hold your boundaries on vaccines. I do want to mention that your parents may not qualify for the RSV vaccine though- when I set an appointment for vaccines for my husband and I, RSV was only available to pregnant people between weeks 32 and 36. My husband isn't able to get the RSV vaccine. TDAP is non-negotiable, though, and I'm requesting flu and COVID vaccines as well.
My due date isn't until mid-February, and we're planning on a two week isolation, so I'm hoping that by March we'll be out of the worse of sick season.
OP’s parents are in their 80s so they will qualify
My baby got the RSV vaccine before being discharged from hospital.
I asked all of our immediate family to get the TDAP vaccine. I will have the RSV vaccine and baby will receive it when born. I react poorly to flu and COVID vaccines so I am not requiring those, but no visits if anyone feels the least bit sick and everyone will wash hands or sanitize before holding, and no kissing.
These are my hard line rules, not optional.
That is a reasonable request. Your baby, your rules. Period.
I am going to enforce TDAP and Flu for sure.
I think they won’t give folks rsv unless you’re in an at risk age group, but I need to ask my doc about that. It would be great if folks got it if so.
For Covid, my husband got the booster and i haven’t because I have really strong bad reactions to it both other times. So I’m for sure not doing it while pregnant. My family are all hesitant and I just haven’t decided if it’s a hill I’m going to die on for a late March birth. Another thing to talk to the doc about. This one is so hard because some folks are so so adamantly against it. I would feel more comfortable if they did for sure.
Extremely reasonable. My baby is due in May so i’ll be more lax on covid/flu shots (though i’ll require covid testing) but TDAP and RSV are nonnegotiable. I haven’t told my antivax parents yet and i’m dreading the conversation, but a fever under the age of 2 months is an instant hospital visit so I’m not willing to risk it.
Not only hospital visit, but many hospitals will automatically do a lumbar puncture for fever in a baby under 2 mo, which is a horribly invasive and painful procedure.
Can confirm a lumbar puncture is easily the most horrific pain I’ve ever felt, and I had it done as an adult. I’ve broken bones, had c sections…the lumbar puncture is the one I remember most. The thought of my baby feeling that pain makes me shudder.
Not everyone is eligible for rsv vaccine. I'm due in spring and had asked my doctor about it and she told me that I likely wouldn't be eligible for it with this pregnancy.
No it’s not unreasonable but they are quite old, I guess you have to consider if you would regret your parents not having a chance to meet your child until your child was caught up with their vaccines. And if one of them were to fall ill, I don’t know if I could bring my 2 month old baby to an ICU or medsurge floor. Lots of nasty stuff floating around there even if you are vaccinated.
Not unreasonable at all!!!! I told my immediate family that if they wanted to SEE the baby before baby is fully vax, the needed the vaccines. Some of them called me crazy, but you know what? I rather be crazy than having a baby in the hospital bc of that
I think it’s totally okay for you to have your rules and totally okay if they don’t want to get them also.
I got the COVID vaccine during COVID and I was hospitalized due to a horrible reaction to it, so my doctor will not allow me to get it. I’m allergic to the flu shot 😭 I’m 29 weeks pregnant and feel for you. A lot of my family is also allergic to the flu vaccine, so I understand that some people don’t do well with it. My doctors don’t recommend RSV, so I don’t have advice on that one unfortunately.
Maybe it’d be good to wait until baby is a bit older and we’re out of flu/RSV season for anyone to meet baby? I get being protective, I’m TERRIFIED for when my girl is here!!
I think that's totally reasonable to tell people it's their choice and to also decide to wait to have visitors until cold/flu season is over. I also didn't think about the fact that people could possibly be allergic to vaccines so thank you for pointing that out! At the end of the day, it's their decision and my job to protect my baby. Thank you for your advice!
Absolutely! Don’t let anyone guilt trip you or make you feel bad for what you think is best for YOUR baby!
I think my response will be unpopular. As a first time mom, I 100% get where you’re coming from. I was super nervous and wanted the same rules. As a 3rd time mom, I can say this is a bit over the top. I ended up being less strict than I originally wanted. As long as no one was sick, had not recently been around sick people, and washed their hands, they were free to meet my babies.
I understand that babies can get sick, but the small risk wasn’t worth the family upset and drama to me. I was eager and excited to show off my babies and I quickly realized all my internet research amplified my fears to 1000%. It’s not like I’ve ever been asked by any of my friends or family for my vaccine records before meeting their babies.
At the end of the day it’s completely your decision and you need to do what you feel is best to protect your baby.
100% agree! I was an absolute mess over my first baby. I asked everyone to get updated flu, TDAP, to wear masks, etc. I had crushing health anxiety that created crippling postpartum anxiety. I was worried to leave my house for fear someone would cough on her. I told myself I would do things differently with my second, and I let go of those rules, and I had such a better postpartum. You can get flu, covid, RSV, and tdap during pregnancy if you want, which I’d argue should give you plenty of peace! Currently pregnant with my third and looking forward to having all the help from others I can get. 😂
This is my (41F) fourth pregnancy after a very long break (my youngest is 17), and I have to say that the changing attitude towards this over time has been my biggest surprise this time.
When I was pregnant with my others, I don't recall a single person, either in-person or online, even mentioning the idea of asking relatives to get certain vaccines or for proof of vaccination. Admittedly the anti-vax movement was much smaller then, but it certainly wasn't the case that everyone got flu shots every year or TDAP-boosters! And the RSV vaccine didn't even exist yet.
I have wondered if this change primarily came due to our collective trauma from COVID. People are simply much more aware of what can happen when outbreaks get out-of-control and put more thought into preventing the spread of disease than they used to. I think this may be a large part of it, but it is likely more than that. I suspect that part of it may be due to anger at the anti-vax movement and those who support it and feeling a need to separate from these people or even punish them. This anger is definitely understandable, but not in and of itself related to the actual probability of infection.
From my perspective, everyone is free to impose whatever rules they like, but on Reddit the tendency is to ignore that this comes with very real tradeoffs. People say that the tradeoff is between making your baby sick and upsetting grandma, but often the real tradeoff is between a very small probability of getting sick (assuming the relative is completely asymptomatic) and losing out on the real help and support that a new mother needs in the postpartum period, as well as perhaps affecting the long term bond between the baby and its extended family.
OP, I would say that you should carefully consider this tradeoff and decide for yourself what makes sense for you. The risk of infection is very small, but if you want to avoid it, that is, of course, understandable! How important is it to you to have these family members around after birth? Do you have another support system to rely on?
Make sure that it is really your decision, and not made due to pressure from your family to give in or due to peer pressure from internet strangers making you think that you are a bad parent if you don't keep your baby away from any form of risk.
Thank you for this post, it really has me thinking all of this through. I want my baby to be safe but this being my first child, I have no idea what I am about to truly be dealing with on a day to days basis. The anti vax movement does upset me but at the same time I believe those people probably have similar feelings of not wanting to harm themselves or their children from vaccines. I am planning on getting the RSV vaccine and a Covid booster soon as I am now 33 weeks pregnant. I also will be having a conversation with my doctor about this before I make my final decision. Thank you again, and congratulations on your pregnancy!
82 and not getting the covid vaccine sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Not being unreasonable at all. Your baby, your rules. My rules were the same. If people didn’t want to do it, totally fine, they just can’t be inside with baby or hold baby. You could also tell people that they would need to wear a mask and wash their hands, the ultimate millions whatever you’re the most comfortable with. Baby can’t make the decisions for themselves so you need to protect them. Pissing off other people is just part of being a parent
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Of course!! It’s incredibly frustrating. My in-laws live out of town and still haven’t met the baby for this reason. 😵💫😵💫😵💫
I didn’t need to read past the title of your post. The answer is always NO, you’re not being unreasonable.
Your baby, your boundaries for holding them. If people can choose to not get vaccinated, then they can deal with the consequences. My parents got the tdap and flu vaccines even though I had a summer baby the first time, and respected our wishes to not kiss the baby. If someone kissed them (besides my elderly grandma with memory issues), they were not allowed to hold baby anymore. 🤷♀️
Your request is perfectly reasonable. I won't even try get my antivax parents and in law (yes, all four of them) vaccinated to avoid the drama but we told them that we won't allow any visits until the baby is 10 weeks old and vaccinated. In my case is easier because they live in a different country and need to travel 6 hours to get here.
I made my close family all get TDAP and RSV. I even offered to pay for it, everyone complied.
Not being unreasonable. For all the people in this comment section saying it isn’t worth the drama, my sister caught pertussis (whooping cough) from an anti vax member of the family. She was hospitalized and also needed a nebulizer and she has asthma at 8 years old now.
I wouldn’t even let family visit me at the baby shower without vaccinations. They can choose not to, but I can also choose for them to never see the baby.
All of this to say hold your ground and don’t let anyone tell you you’re overreacting or that you should let anyone slide. A fever under 2 is a hospitalization and I guarantee you none of them will be footing that bill for you.
Where I live, they won't give you rsv or tdap if you're not in a risk group (pregnancy included), and if you did get it when you were a child. To my understanding, tdap childhood vaccine protection is quite high even after decades, so I won't be asking my parents and in-laws to get it (also as I mentioned it isn't available). I am going to ask for the flu vaccine though.
Extremely reasonable, and you are boundary setting with your parents. If they want to stick to their political beliefs/what they see on Fox News more than hold their grandchild, that is completely their prerogative. But it is also your prerogative to protect your child.
All of this is reasonable. My family tripped over themselves to get the vaccines and if you’re willing to be lax on covid I’d recommend having people mask at least. My in laws have resisted vaccines and masks, so they won’t meet baby right away. My SIL has a two year old she hasn’t gotten vaccinated for RSV and was very put out that we’d require him to be vaccinated if she wants to bring him over to meet his baby cousin but both my OB and pediatrician do not recommend our baby being around children under 5 who aren’t vaccinated for RSV. She kept saying “it’s my choice to vaccinate him or not!” But luckily my partner fired back with “and it’s our choice to limit our kid’s contact with unvaccinated people!”
I’m also due in January and my OB and NP have both cautioned me about how bad this season has been for babies with flu and COVID and RSV so I’m not willing to take any chances. We are also going to make people mask and no kissing baby. Luckily my mom said she’d wear a Hazmat suit if I wanted her to, while my MIL refused to acknowledge our requests. We’re very close to due date and just today I got a box of N95 masks to put right next to our front door for visitors to put on. I’m not messing around with my child’s health.
Your baby your rules but you also can't force them to get vaccinated since it's their body and their choice, so I would just wait to have them meet the baby.
For one RSV vaccine was only recently approved for older adults in 2023 meaning there's virtually no testing on it and ppl are still figuring out side effects. Same thing with covid, everyone was told it was safe and now it's coming out that it affects your heart only 5 years later. It's perfectly reasonable for people to not want to take something with limited study that's only 5 years old or less, since they'd basically be test monkeys. But it's also reasonable for you to not want people around your baby during the height of flu season.
I'm not antivax I just don't think everyone should be forced to take something brand new with limited data, things that have been around for awhile should be taken. The flu and TDAP have been around for awhile so those vaccines are reasonable.
How does the COVID vaccine affect your heart? I was under the impression this was only for males within a certain age range, is this what you're referring to or something else?
It's more crap Brainworms Bobby is pushing.
For me, I had several SVT “episodes”. I started passing out all the time and my BP would sky rocket or plummet out for nowhere and I was extremely healthy, active, and ate clean. I ended up hospitalized for my heart due to the reaction I had from the COVID vaccine and have had to see a cardiologist since and my team have not approved for me to get the COVID vaccine again. My cardiologist said he’s unfortunately seeing more and more cases like mine and they’re getting ready to start a study for it because of the spike in cases. It sucks and I wish I could go back to my old life before 🥹
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The CDC is being run by an anti-vaccine lunatic. Of course they're pushing "studies" about how the COVID vaccine will kill you.
Do you have any evidence or sources to back that claim? This is the first I've heard of this. Also if the CDC is bad now why are we still taking recommendations on any vaccines? I'm confused.
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/how-rfk-jr-s-hand-picked-cdc-advisory-panel-voted-on-covid-vaccines-and-more
Plenty of other countries also recommend vaccines. Including the COVID vaccine.
For example Germany, though in my opinion they're being very cavalier with children and long COVID by not recommending routine vaccination.
Your contribution has been removed for misinformation or anti-vaccine sentiments. This subreddit believes in science and data and we are pro-vaccine.
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I don’t think OP is claiming vaccines create a zero risk bubble. The point is risk reduction, especially for newborns. Yes vaccinated people can still carry viruses, but they’re less likely to be infected in the first place and even if they are they often shed less virus and for a shorter time. This isn’t about “demanding medical compliance” or “misunderstanding science”, it’s about choosing the lowest reasonably achievable risk for a vulnerable baby. Parents make risk based decisions all the time (car seats, safe sleep, limiting exposure), and vaccination status is just one more factor in that calculus. Setting boundaries around that isn’t overreach. it’s precaution.
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😂
You know what’s dangerous to people in their 80s? The flu.
Your contribution has been removed for misinformation or anti-vaccine sentiments. This subreddit believes in science and data and we are pro-vaccine.
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Your contribution has been removed for misinformation or anti-vaccine sentiments. This subreddit believes in science and data and we are pro-vaccine.