I hate “white elephant” office gift exchanges.

Every year, our team joins/competes with two other groups on our floor. Participation isn't mandatory, but there's a distinct message of "everyone is expected to be a part of this team-building exercise".

The combined group is large enough so anyone can add a gift anonymously. For the past few years, I have been secretly sabotaging the exchange in the hopes we’ll switch to “Secret Santa” so I can opt out.

My petty revenge: every year, I contribute a “nice” gift obviously from me, along with one or two anonymously-given “bad” gifts. Every year I get a little bolder and go a little farther. Here's what I’ve contributed for the past few years:

2021: I put a potato inside an iPhone box and shrink-wrapped it. 

2022: A Bible from a used bookstore, a toy American flag, and a red MAGA hat I found in a parking lot. The next day HR sent an office-wide email about politics in the workplace.

2023: Toy handcuffs, a cheap eye mask, and a cat toy I modified to look like a riding crop. The next day HR sent another office-wide email.

2024: A bottle of Robitussin, a bottle of Night Train, and a copy of the National Enquirer.

Our white elephant exchange is next week. I’m thinking about giving a carton of cigarettes and a set of fake eyelashes.