I was with my ex for 5 years. He a raging alcoholic and struggled with Borderline personality disorder, and honestly has very little consequence in his life that fosters a sense of independence (when he’s in trouble, his mom will send him money etc…) so he treats people across the board pretty poorly- he’s been often verbally and on rare occasion physically violent with me and others. I never lived with him and always put out the stipulation of him going to therapy first, but he never went so I stayed living alone. We fortunately (at the time) live only a few blocks from each other.
I finally had enough of treating him with kid gloves and broke it off earlier this year, but obviously I missed him and cycles are hard to break. When he tried to reconnect this week I engaged against my gut, as the cycling is truly addictive. Well, he ended up taking money from me and then accusing me of stealing from him, so that was a fun 3 days of lessons-learned or not.
Anyway, during this reconnection period he invited me back to his house, which has never been the cleanest, but this time it was BAD. I’m talking, spa-sized bathtub he now made into a litter box with a 6” layer of cat poop, no running water, missing swatches of walls and ceilings with massive water damage, trash up to your knees. Almost cartoon-level bad, and what I listed is an understatement rather than an exaggeration. Those cleantok videos of depression cleaning services have rarely shown a place more destitute, and I’ve never seen something so awful in person. He admitted life paused for him when I left, and the relics of our relationship (even bowls of FOOD we made together) were still exactly where I left them. He didn’t even let me fully in the apartment and I caught a glimpse of roaches and pretty pungent smells coming from the other rooms and side-eyed a toilet so caked with shit and vomit it wasn’t white anymore.
Clearly this is a manifestation of his depression, but it’s also an egregious destruction of property and a perfect representation of how he treats the people and things in his life. After inviting me back, he spiraled and it turned into a screaming match at the end of which he accused me of stealing and then replacing a few thousand dollars (????)
Now, I know his landlords. They’re young professionals with this as their only income property. They work and raise their children, so I’m not surprised they haven’t done any sort of apartment inspection in 5 years, and I’m sure they’d do the landlord duck tape special if they did. They still don’t know what he’s done to this place. If they did, they would be devastated and have the right to press charges. The other 5 apartments in the building are (appearance wise) immaculate, recently renovated, and overpriced.
He doesn’t have much because he doesn’t deserve much, but after this last time of him taking from me and then exploding/lying, I feel the need to help the people who’ve done nothing wrong other than rent an (severely underpriced- he pays pennies for what it’s worth) apartment to this man 10-12 years ago, never raising rent. My ex admitted time and time again my only crime was loving him, and while I’m not a victim- I am naive and believe in lots of chances. Their only crime was ethically renting an apartment to this black hole of a man, so I kind of feel kindred right now.
I decided to file a complaint with the housing authority, the HDLC and with the landlords. I can’t unslap my face or get rid of all the things he’s said to me over the years, but I can prevent further decrepitude and get some solace out of it. And get him out of my neighborhood.
Yes, I’m a scorned ex girlfriend for very good reason, and I will own that- I won’t go into what this man did, but he never recovered from taking a life in his past and has taken that out on me and everyone else for half a decade. But as a homeowner myself (rent at cost to family) I’d be furious if my tenants were 1/10th as destructive as this man. No, he will not be homeless because he’ll just call his mother and get a deposit for a new place. He will be fine, but he sure as fuck won’t be in my backyard anymore.
“taking a life in his past” yea he needs help
Accident, but of his doing, so yep!
curious to know what happened? obviously you don’t have to tell, him taking it out on other people for half a decade won’t make him grow as a person imo and at some point would seem like an excuse? if that makes sense
Fuck it. Car accident from his reckless driving killed his fiancé about 20 years ago.
Holy mother of god
jeez, really sorry to hear about that along with everything he did to you, if he never got help he probably never recovered. it’s better you’re not apart of that situation anymore for your own well being. wishing the best for all parties involved. focus on how you’re going to move forward!
Did you verify this? Just asking b/c years ago I briefly dated a guy who used a similar story to gain my sympathy. Edit to add that in this case it was pure fiction
It's not an accident if you're intentionally driving reckless
Driving tired, may or may not be drunk or high but never admitted it and I’m sure they took a breathalyzer when EMS got there. It wasn’t intentional, so I will defend him on that one.
I'm sorry, but that is BS. He CHOSE to drive recklessly. I would be willing to bet, she was screaming at him to slow down and be careful, but he CHOSE to continue driving without regard for her safety or the safety of others. Either he was angry and refused to control himself, or he thought her terror was funny and entertained him.
He may not have "intended" her death, but his deliberate actions caused it. He absolutely IS 100% responsible for her death.
Responsible yes, but I wouldn’t go as far as to infer that happened. Without facts I don’t think that’s fair, but thank you! Your character assessment isn’t wrong, but I’ll stick with facts.
Stop defending him. There is really only one fact here, he drove recklessly, regardless of him being tired, drunk or whatever.
HE CHOSE TO DRIVE LIKE HE DID and she died.
There is nothing to defend. Nothing. End of that story.
No matter what he did or does,you’re still subconsciously making excuses for him. No, you don’t know for SURE how it went down, but you see how he handles himself and how well he deflects blame.
What do you think is more likely? A genuine mistake and lapse of judgement or a situation where a woman died in terror because “she wasn’t the boss of him” and he’d show her?
And throughout your story there is a note where you seem ashamed for doing the right thing. Like you need to justify yourself for holding him accountable.
It’s really hard to untangle all the hooks they put in you. He’s going to be extra manipulative and sexy once he’s homeless. I hope you get some help and steer clear of him.
You can’t stop enabling him & making excuses, even after everything, huh?
What facts make driving recklessly NOT his deliberate choice?
I feel like you have a deep need to defend him. Maybe he doesn't deserve your defense. Or your loyalty.
Op says "driving recklessy" and we have to take op's word for it.
Op wasn't there. Nor where we. So let's not over psycho analyse op about her wanting to defend him after all this.
Op might be wrong by using recklessy. For all we know the driver has lied because it's easier to say "I was reckless" rather than "my fiance told me she cheated on me, and I lost control of the car during driving while arguing". Or maybe worse " during arguing I said something I deeply regret, she hit me because of anger, we had the accident because I lost control. And I'm damn ashamed of telling everyone she died because I said you are just like your during a heated argument".
Op gave a story with questionable ethics (is it good to rat on him? Depends who you will ask). Maybe let's keep it at that and not do a whole analysis based on one word.
THANK YOU these armchair psychologists in the comments were annoying tf out of me.
Commenters need to back TF up and stop blaming the OP for repeating phrasing that's probably been drummed into her over those 5 years.
"Reckless" is a word used in legal descriptions.
Let it go.
No one os blaming OP for repeating a phrase.
However, OP is being called out for continuing to defend his CHOICE to act in a reckless manner. OP clearly needs reality check that this man is dangerous, he chooses to act that way, and he refuses to be accountable for his choices. And OP still makes excuses for him.
OP needs to fully wake up, and frankly, wouldn't be here asking advice if somewhere deep down, she didn't know we are right.
Reddit strangers projecting themselves into your story. It seems sadly ironic that they'll believe your account is objectively accurate in the main post, but refuse to believe it even partially here - proof that they have a narrative version of him in their head that they feel more strongly about than your own account. Either both of your accounts are heavily weighted by your emotional bias, or in both accounts you've made a concerted effort to be fair.
You've admitted he's responsible, that's good enough for me. Be it negligence or hostility is not our place as strangers to speculate - it might not even be yours, with how long ago you say it was.
I don't understand why people seem determined to convince you the death wasn't an accident - to infer that he probably killed her on purpose while enraged, or at least considered she might die and wilfully didn't care. I understand that your main post painted a grim picture of him, but holy shit, there is no rational basis for that outside of deciding the 'true' character of this distant stranger they've never met and never will.
Sorry you had this experience, all of it. Good on you for advocating for your peace - and for the property owners, too.
Stay as far away from him as you can…
Distance and zero contact is the only way this doesn’t keep cycling.
Seriously. The cycle of going back is so hard to break but someone with that history is only going to keep escalating. Block him on everything and don't look back
My reply is from a recovering alcoholic -(a few 24 hours for those who know the lingo), and also I own a single income property. That’s my perspective, but these opinions are mine only.
The disease of alcoholism hurts us, and those around us, way too much. It’s tragic. And I agree with you mostly. - I would recommend you don’t consider seeing him unless he’s been sober a year. (Don’t even give him hope you would get back together.). If he hit you, press charges.
You were absolutely right to use appropriate reporting standards to protect the other tenants and give the landlord notice of the property damage. (He doesn’t get a pass because he is sick - either alcoholism or depression. Maybe a little grace once he starts recovery.).
Frequently alcoholics have very compassionate people around us. You all often love us to death. (And you are correct, mom is loving him to death.).
In short, I hope he gets sober and gets better.
But to you, let him go. There’s nothing you can do. Get away from the sinking ship, before you go down with it. (This is the best way for me to be loving and compassionate to you. I’ve seen it 40-50 times).
You have every right to be scorned and so what if you’re doing it to be vindictive. If he wasn’t living like a hoarder & slob there would be nothing to report. I don’t even understand why you’re trying to spin it like you’re doing it to help the landlords or because you’re a homeowner. His house didn’t just get like this since yall split, he’s always not been clean or taking care of it. Its just that now you’re fed up and this is a way to hold him accountable for something
Wow, I can't imagine living that way. I'm glad you did what you could to help the owners because that sounds awful. And getting him out of your neighborhood really is a good idea.
Ty. I know it’s petty but it also… isn’t?
No it's responsible
Good luck - nobody deserves what you went through with him.
You did the right thing. But you need to block him everywhere and go full NC forever.
Good for you
duct tape
Decreptitude. There's a word you don't hear everyday!
Please look for therapy. Five frigging years, I hope he didn't do permanent damage on your mental health
"I can't unslap my face." That is a reason enough to stay the feck away from him and let whatever petty revenge fall down on him.
What did the landlords say when they found out the condition of his apt?
I’ll update when they respond to my email. I haven’t done the housing authority yet, because I don’t know whose responsibility lies where and I’m not trying to make ALL the waves.
Why would you call the housing authority? Why do you want the landlord punished? What did they do to deserve this?
If at all possible please get the cat out of that hellhole!
Telling the landlord is the right thing to do. They will be grateful. Also the neighbors before rats, mice, or ants invade the place. Best of luck to you, OP. Live your best life and don't look back. Now you know what you don't want:)
WTAF and YUCK 😵💫🤮.
You might need a restraining order, but that's just in case of anything
Cycles are hard to break. This is what helped me break out of this particular cycle. Maybe it will help you, maybe it won't.
It's from a book, I don't even know which one. Someone who escaped an abusive relationship would say to herself over and over again - "The first time you're a victim, the second time you're a volunteer."
Note that I am well aware that it takes on average 7 attempts and an affair to break out of an abusive relationship. I do NOT believe that these people are volunteers.
But even after what he did to me, I struggled. Emotions are hard. I just told myself over and over again, the next time I'll be a volunteer, and he'll have confirmation that what he did was acceptable and he'll do it again. And next time I might not survive.
So…total side take I didn’t see mentioned. If he has roaches ALLLL his neighbors have roaches. I am living with this hell right now because of filthy nasty neighbors. Good for you for reporting him and fuck him. Neither you nor his landlords nor other people deserve to suffer because of his bullshit.
I was thinking the same thing. Getting roaches is a huge fear of mine. That and bed bugs.
Yep. Been there, done that and burnt the t-shirt in both cases. Apartment life can be a special kind of hell sometimes
Was it you that replaced those thousands of dollars or did he pay that to you. Sorry just a bit confused. Have a safe and an amazing Christmas and NYE
Can I suggest therapy for yourself to end this cycle.
So ya, we aren’t always sending our best men, sorry about that.
I hope you can find the strength to break the cycle. You deserve more, and once you break it, I promise you, your life will get a thousand times better. Good luck!
Don't bother with him any more. Don't even get petty revenge! LOL The petty revenge ain't healthy!
I'm guessing borderline PD means pedophila, not police department. Just edit it to say that. Embarass him.
Its usually borderline personality disorder
That’s a new confusion I’ve never experienced with the acronym! Thanks for pointing out how important explanation is because no, he’s deeefinitely not that at least!
Personality Disorder. Standard term because you can't say p.o.s. as a medical diagnosis.
It's a horrible diagnosis to get also, because it basically means "A massive asshole that we can't help"
I was misdiagnosed with it and it became basically impossible to get any real help. I eventually paid to go and see the guy at his private practice that originally diagnosed me and after a several hours long assessment he said
"You definitely have ADHD and cPTSD, I can't diagnose you with ADHD on the spot, but I'll change your BPD diagnosis to cPTSD." And then asked me who originally diagnosed me, I told him it was him and he apologized profusely.
The original diagnosis was so messed up as well, they decided to invite an entire 8 person class in to observe and they kept talking over me and he was sat so far away I could barely hear him and he got annoyed at me for "ignoring him".