I have an ex-boyfriend housemate, it's been around 12 years since we agreed to live our own lives in different areas in the house, though we have to share the kitchen. For a good 10 years, most of the time, we have had a decent friendship, and he has been reliable about things we agreed he would handle. He has always had a tendency to over-share I guess you would call it, meaning that any new person he meets will get a lot of sad information about his upbringing and the ways he was failed by a Master's degree program that didn't result in work, employers. And probably me, if I'm not around to hear it. Once is not usually enough, he also replays this account of himself. So he's ended up nearly friendless because of this. (It might be covert narcissism? I don't have the background to diagnose.) Anyhow, I am posting this because I want to be fair. Maybe he is depressed by the holidays, this is the claim, so he hides in his room, sleeps a lot, and refuses to accept any kindness. For example, I made a nice Thanksgiving turkey and dressing which he refused to touch, meting out meals of supermarket fried chicken and canned corn instead. Ordinarily he wouldn't do that. I've been through a lot of holidays with him and though he doesn't initiate festive things, he has always seemed mildly appreciative. He is still meeting concrete responsibilities, but his behavior in interactions and these other things seem very pointed--yet he refuses to admit that anything is wrong. Is he being passive-aggressive to get attention, or is he in denial about depression?
Really does sound like depression more than anything. Especially with all the isolating.
My dude, this situation sounds like hell…living with your ex for 12 years? This would absolutely take a toll on my mental health, and if I had to guess is probably negatively effecting both of y’all as well.
Stop doing free emotional labor for him and then you won't be so disappointed when he won't participate. It's his responsibility to get help. He seems to want to wallow instead of getting help, and you're enabling him. Treat him like a college roommate you were assigned to and maybe when he realizes he's pushed you away too and he has to live with the discomfort he's created, he'll finally have to do something. But as long as he's meeting the agreement on who has to do what, it's not your responsibility or really your place.