I don’t understand why some people are like this. They say they love you, but they act this way being passive aggressive and giving me the silent treatment often. Overall,he really does make an effort for me, but sometimes I don’t feel his presence of his love. There are times when I feel off because he seems passive aggressive and lacks emotional intelligence, and sometimes he can let me go to sleep even when he knows I’m hurt. Maybe it’s because he’s more mature than I am? And maybe because he's Armed Forces, so he’s always busy. But sometimes, when I’m sad, it affects him too he doesn’t want to see me upset.and he does listen to me and respects my decisions. I know he loves me, but this is just how I feel something still feels off.
silence by itself is avoidant coping - he can’t verbalise things organically couse of that he chose ignore problems that he can’t solve or discuss.
Why is that like that ?
I would say that it is Societal conditioning (family dynamics) plus his job (Which predisposes him to distancing from emotions and feelings) plus he is man (societal narratives styreotypes) Men’s are less emotionally intelligent - it does not that they are dumb or lack something
It is how he is and you can’t change him. All you can do is to accept him and make conditions where you and him can express openly your feelings and ideas without judgement and manipulation
For that you need to make conditions and show save example of such behaviour (for forming behavioral-cognitive pattern) for example find film where Soldier use to learn that he is not tough guy or machine and human as well - probably there are bunch of such films. Watch HealthyGamerGG therapeutic sessions with male veterans.
His core issue is suppressing his own emotions feelings and thinking couse he does not know how to express them organically (army/society/familt teach boys to express it only in violent way) it makes him to avoid you and accumulate dissatisfaction with relationships. Discussing and normalising expression of emotion would help - start with positive emotions then neutral and negative. Ask, re focuse, highlight, mirror his own words/body language, connect couse and effect, make guiding questions and so on.
Do not confront by blaming shaming putting down etc
If you want to change him - you probably need to work on your own boundaries - if you still want that you probably need to find more ‘emotionally intelligent’ person
I would add that choosing agreement with you or always share your emotional state is not emotional intelligence - emotional intelligence is understanding What we feel Why we feel and what to do to change that, as well as understand of what is more important and less. It is okay to not share emotional state of partner , it is okay to not agree with partner.
Being okay with confrontation, okay with showing anger organically is part of emotional intelligence. As well as saying what exactly is wrong and why - without drama shame manipulations or disrespect.
For that person need to be flexible and had wide range of coping strategies