Stop giving a shit. Honestly, that's how you do it, and it's easier said than done but I'm going to tell you how to do it
First off, you sound really nice. That's a great quality and you should stay nice. Following my advice will not change how nice you are, it'll just toughen you up and help you stop wasting your energy on little fuckwits who aren't worth your time or energy
You gotta stop caring about what assholes think or say. Stop being a people pleaser, trust me on this, it's extremely damaging to you in the long run.
There's this Buddhist teaching that basically says "you can't control what other people do, you can only control your reaction to it" so all you need to do is internalize the fact that jerks are robbing you of the good emotions you should be having, and replacing it with negative emotions which you should not be having. So just stop letting them get to you. Stop letting them rob you of your joy. It's easier said than done and it takes daily practice but you can do it, and you'll get better and better at it as time goes on
It'll take you time to figure out who's worth your emotions and who isn't. Start small with strangers who are assholes. You'll never see them again, they obviously don't matter. After you've gotten the hang of that, work your way up to an angry customer or maybe a neighbor.
But you gotta understand there's a line, because obviously you can't just ignore ongoing harassment or anything. If harassment is an issue, then that's a whole other topic we can discuss
Great advice.
I will supplement with a few more thoughts for you to consider.
1.) no one can take your integrity if you are satisfied with who you are. Remember who you are and forget it ever happened.
2.) they are likely having a worse day than you are. It's not about you and not for you to fix. forget it ever happened.
3.) they might actually be doing the best they can. Allow them this tiny victory they seem to need and forget it ever happened.
One more add. In my head I repeat "No one can steal my joy" over and over again while it's happening. It keeps me from responding to them, and the silent treatment frustrates them enough to leave me alone. Or think I m crazy. All I know is they walk away when they get no response.
I like to live by the saying, “kill them with kindness.” I’m always nice and friendly, but I don’t acknowledge or respond to shitty behavior. Many times, I’m so busy living by my own rule that I don’t even realize someone was trying to belittle or intimidate me until later on.
People are sucking harder and harder these days, I find it behind the wheel more than in person. Maybe it's where you live? My neighbors and folks in the community are all very chill.
The job market has always been "crap" to many people during my entire adult lifetime. I've never had a problem finding work after losing a job because of mergers, offshoring, etc. I work in a technical field, but have learned to install replacement windows, vinyl siding, and cut lawns with a commercial mower to pay the bills until I found a job in my chosen career path. Hell, I'm over 50 years old and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. lol
Just keep at it even though it might seem unrewarding at times. It is hard to do the right thing.
Like stated before. It's OK to have a pity party for 4 days. After that, you must start moving to a better position (mentally) to stop getting hurt and start building a better situation.
It's not you fault you've getting pooped on. You didn't start this fight. But you are going to end it.
You can be kind but firm. Learn to say no or nothing at all. If someone is being mean just stay quiet…. Silence makes it uncomfortable. Don’t say anything… stand there blank faced and after a few seconds, walk away.
It might just be my area of New Jersey but I've noticed the biggest jerks are the ones that are the most successful career and life-wise and charitable. It's almost like a cover for them being assholes. They brag about how much money they make and how much charitable giving they do then tell you they only do it for tax purposes.
Empaths always feel more deeply. Im pretty empathetic and sometimes i just have to go oblivious and put some blinders on. That said i think vulnerability is an good thing and i dont want to shut it down completely.
I say, embrace it. You’re a kind and compassionate person. We need more out here and thank you for existing in the sea of human bullshit. I think it takes strength to be kind. Now, try not to let the mean people bring you down or abuse you. They are jealous that you’re a good person. Try not to spend too much time ruminating about their shitty behaviors (easier said than done). And thanks!
This has been a reoccurring theme with me my whole life because I'm kind like you and also there is a family member I must interact with frequently who is mentally ill and on top of that they are a quintessential, injured narcissist who only feels good about themself by negating and gaslighting me. So I 'grey rock' it for as long as I can (a very good strategy) but this person always manages to gets under my skin, and eventually I break. I absolutely hate the cycle so I'm starting to look into self-help books to cope, and so far it seems the key is mastering /u/New_Stats' advice based around that Buddhist proverb. It's not coming naturally to me and I think it's going to take a lot of work to change that mindset. DM me if you want the name of the self-help books; it's a whole series.
first step, just walk away.. or get as much distance between you and that jerk as possible. second step, take 3 deep breaths where you cant possibly expand your lungs anymore. with each breath, hold it in for 3 seconds before exhaling. step 3, think of something else and move on with your day
I smoke weed and also I've worked in retail, nothing hurts me too much.
But on top of that I try to be the change I want to see. I'm not going to pretend like I wander around with a moronic smile acting like everything is marvelous, but I try to be chill with other people. You can be rad and good with everyone without giving your heart to them right away. I think the whole world needs more chill.
99% of the time people are thinking about ….themselves. Don’t worry about others. Here is a trick to deal with worrying thoughts. Make note of all your worrying topics and Scheduled a time of the day to think and worry about it. You will realize most of the worries were just worst case scenarios your mind created. Deal with genuine concerns with a plan.
I saw a tik tok where a man got out of his car to argue with the person filming. The person filming said, “hey! Hey! Come back here and give me a kiss.”
It totally disarmed the man and for a fraction of a second he leaned in to give a kiss before storming off and ending the altercation. So that’s one strategy. Start telling people to give you a kiss.
Another thing I do is start asking myself, “big problem, little problem, or no problem at all?” I can’t control other people’s actions but I am in control of my own actions. The best I try to do is continue to act pleasant but there’s also merit in just stopping the interaction the best I can. I do think people like to troll the sensitive. I’ve had success in just straight up tearing up instead of trying to hide my tears. Keep your head up. I’m a sensitive girl too 💔
The transmutation of emotional energy. A theory written by a very evil man named Napoleon Hill in his book Think and Grow Rich.
The author is smart and cunning. But a bit fanatical and self centered. Pretty much Trump.
He rewrote a theory that is practiced in the east.
When something bad happens to you, that builds negative energy. The natural response is to shoot out that negative energy at the next person you see. That's bad self management.
Good self management understands and sees bad energy and can neutralize it via conscious thought and action. Take a walk, tell yourself something, dispel bad feelings.
The masters of self management can transmutate bad energy into good energy and use it for positive. Michael Jordan would get mad when people would make fun of him. He would play harder and just make that team look poor. He turned anger and hurt into a work drive. And he produced something positive. After a while, people were literally afraid to make fun of Jordan.
Another theory that aligns with this is Dr John Grey's theory of the cave and the dragon. (From the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)
When some people are hurt, angry, or troubled, they go into a private cave. This is to be left alone. This is to think about things by themselves. If a person tries to enter the cave, a Dragon comes out and burns the person trying to intrude.
That Dragon is an anger response. When a person yells, screams, or freaks out.
It's ok to have a pity party for 4 days. But on the 5th day, you have to get up, even if the bullets are still hitting you and you are hurting, and move to a better place where you're not getting hurt anymore. Then you start healing.
This was from a "Dating for Dummies" book. Good advice.
The Project Manger for the client does not know what he is doing. On Sept 8 he had a meltdown against something I said. He's doubled down since and insists that what I suggested doesn't need to be done. Even though it is the clear answer.
So, I dismiss it as he's a whale. A company with lots of money, is idiotic, and my job is just to drain him of money. Not to actually fix the problems.
Stop giving a shit. Honestly, that's how you do it, and it's easier said than done but I'm going to tell you how to do it
First off, you sound really nice. That's a great quality and you should stay nice. Following my advice will not change how nice you are, it'll just toughen you up and help you stop wasting your energy on little fuckwits who aren't worth your time or energy
You gotta stop caring about what assholes think or say. Stop being a people pleaser, trust me on this, it's extremely damaging to you in the long run.
There's this Buddhist teaching that basically says "you can't control what other people do, you can only control your reaction to it" so all you need to do is internalize the fact that jerks are robbing you of the good emotions you should be having, and replacing it with negative emotions which you should not be having. So just stop letting them get to you. Stop letting them rob you of your joy. It's easier said than done and it takes daily practice but you can do it, and you'll get better and better at it as time goes on
It'll take you time to figure out who's worth your emotions and who isn't. Start small with strangers who are assholes. You'll never see them again, they obviously don't matter. After you've gotten the hang of that, work your way up to an angry customer or maybe a neighbor.
But you gotta understand there's a line, because obviously you can't just ignore ongoing harassment or anything. If harassment is an issue, then that's a whole other topic we can discuss
Great advice. I will supplement with a few more thoughts for you to consider. 1.) no one can take your integrity if you are satisfied with who you are. Remember who you are and forget it ever happened. 2.) they are likely having a worse day than you are. It's not about you and not for you to fix. forget it ever happened. 3.) they might actually be doing the best they can. Allow them this tiny victory they seem to need and forget it ever happened.
Thank you so much guys. I appreciate it. I loved the “allow them this tiny victory”. You’re right.
One more add. In my head I repeat "No one can steal my joy" over and over again while it's happening. It keeps me from responding to them, and the silent treatment frustrates them enough to leave me alone. Or think I m crazy. All I know is they walk away when they get no response.
Thank you!
The way my psychologist framed it is "You will be happier when you stop giving other people power over you that they don't actually have."
I can corroborate the fact that New_Stats is giving you great advice here.
This is a really great post. Appreciate it.
I like to live by the saying, “kill them with kindness.” I’m always nice and friendly, but I don’t acknowledge or respond to shitty behavior. Many times, I’m so busy living by my own rule that I don’t even realize someone was trying to belittle or intimidate me until later on.
People are sucking harder and harder these days, I find it behind the wheel more than in person. Maybe it's where you live? My neighbors and folks in the community are all very chill.
You hit them with a swift “go fuck yourself” and move on with your day. dont do this at work
Hahhahaha thank you! I was about to do it at the office so thanks for the disclaimer. Lol
Well said. I know how you feel.
Thank you.
Just be kind, but don't expect or demand kindness in return. When it does happen, it is a pleasant surprise.
I agree with that. But I am being borderline abused most of the time. Especially at my work.
Start looking for a new job. Don't quit until you've secured a new job.
But it seems the culture is to troll the sensitive. Am I wrong? Please educate me.
/u/perishableintransit is talking about walking out of your current place. Abandoning it.
Who cares about who you're dumping? Step 1 is by Monday, have a resume made and up on Indeed.
I do this. But I am currently hopeless because job market is crap, and managament / leaders are mostly toxic.
The job market has always been "crap" to many people during my entire adult lifetime. I've never had a problem finding work after losing a job because of mergers, offshoring, etc. I work in a technical field, but have learned to install replacement windows, vinyl siding, and cut lawns with a commercial mower to pay the bills until I found a job in my chosen career path. Hell, I'm over 50 years old and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. lol
Just keep at it even though it might seem unrewarding at times. It is hard to do the right thing.
Thank you!
Like stated before. It's OK to have a pity party for 4 days. After that, you must start moving to a better position (mentally) to stop getting hurt and start building a better situation.
It's not you fault you've getting pooped on. You didn't start this fight. But you are going to end it.
You can be kind but firm. Learn to say no or nothing at all. If someone is being mean just stay quiet…. Silence makes it uncomfortable. Don’t say anything… stand there blank faced and after a few seconds, walk away.
I do this. But they get to triggered and it’s kind of like they want a reaction out of me. So their rudeness escalates and escalates more.
Your giving them something. Give them nothing and it will stop.
Look up Grey Rocking. A useful technique to shut down the trolls.
It might just be my area of New Jersey but I've noticed the biggest jerks are the ones that are the most successful career and life-wise and charitable. It's almost like a cover for them being assholes. They brag about how much money they make and how much charitable giving they do then tell you they only do it for tax purposes.
Yessssssss
Empaths always feel more deeply. Im pretty empathetic and sometimes i just have to go oblivious and put some blinders on. That said i think vulnerability is an good thing and i dont want to shut it down completely.
I say, embrace it. You’re a kind and compassionate person. We need more out here and thank you for existing in the sea of human bullshit. I think it takes strength to be kind. Now, try not to let the mean people bring you down or abuse you. They are jealous that you’re a good person. Try not to spend too much time ruminating about their shitty behaviors (easier said than done). And thanks!
This has been a reoccurring theme with me my whole life because I'm kind like you and also there is a family member I must interact with frequently who is mentally ill and on top of that they are a quintessential, injured narcissist who only feels good about themself by negating and gaslighting me. So I 'grey rock' it for as long as I can (a very good strategy) but this person always manages to gets under my skin, and eventually I break. I absolutely hate the cycle so I'm starting to look into self-help books to cope, and so far it seems the key is mastering /u/New_Stats' advice based around that Buddhist proverb. It's not coming naturally to me and I think it's going to take a lot of work to change that mindset. DM me if you want the name of the self-help books; it's a whole series.
“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity” - Hanlons Razor
Yes. I can see it’s because they are stupid. That’s so true.
How is this supposed to make OP feel safer?
If someone punches you in the face, you don't really care if it's because they're stupid or evil, you just want them to stop.
OP never said “make me feel better” in the title.
Also if someone randomly punches you in the face, it is probably because they’re evil and not because they’re stupid.
You shouldn't quote your betters if you don't understand them. It just makes you look more of a fool.
Try to be as strong as you can! YOU matter more than them!! They have no right to put you down!!
Thank you. When I feel in need to kindness I go quickly to my nearest Trader’s Joe.
Only give your time and efforts to people who deserve them. Family, strangers coworkers whatever.
first step, just walk away.. or get as much distance between you and that jerk as possible. second step, take 3 deep breaths where you cant possibly expand your lungs anymore. with each breath, hold it in for 3 seconds before exhaling. step 3, think of something else and move on with your day
Depends on the day and my mood. Can't control anyone else.
I give them the finger then they try to run me off the road
Don’t stop, believing Hold on the that feeling
I’m just a small town girl
🎵 Living in a lonely world!
Hey wait a minute. You have wit. Wit comes from wisdom. It doesn't hurt to have a plan or a prepared one liner for situations.
You go on and on and on and ooonnn
I assume people are having the shittiest day of their lives. I take nothing personally and wish them well.
To use an example I saw today.
Some woman was extra salty that she went all out buying gifts for everyone and got very little in return. She then got mad at others about it.
Being too kind and expecting kindness in return only burns you. Be kind but not overly participatory.
I am not this kind of person.
When a car/bike tries to run me over, I stare directly at the driver/rider.
Just stop getting in their way and you won’t have to stare. Problem solved… hahaha jk jk Merry Christmas
I smoke weed and also I've worked in retail, nothing hurts me too much.
But on top of that I try to be the change I want to see. I'm not going to pretend like I wander around with a moronic smile acting like everything is marvelous, but I try to be chill with other people. You can be rad and good with everyone without giving your heart to them right away. I think the whole world needs more chill.
I think this doesn’t work if you’re a woman.
It's rare that men try to get violent with me, but the most recent incident was about a month ago. No major deal as I shouted him down pretty hard.
So you're wrong that I don't worry, I worry about the men who try to follow me.
When was the last time a man followed you home? How did you respond?
Usually they start salivating and talk to me like I am a thing. Once I put them in their place, they turn scary and treat me like I am a bitch 🤣
Hmm.
99% of the time people are thinking about ….themselves. Don’t worry about others. Here is a trick to deal with worrying thoughts. Make note of all your worrying topics and Scheduled a time of the day to think and worry about it. You will realize most of the worries were just worst case scenarios your mind created. Deal with genuine concerns with a plan.
I just try to keep being kind and avoid those who reveal themselves to not be.
Learn to be friendly but not an immediate friend. It keeps your distance but no one is that offended.
I don't.
Ignore them. They want the attention.
I do but they go to extra nasty levels for attention.
kill them with kindness
I'm GenX so I don't give a shit.
Yeah it makes sense. Sorry you were born recently buddy. But good for you!
🤣
I saw a tik tok where a man got out of his car to argue with the person filming. The person filming said, “hey! Hey! Come back here and give me a kiss.” It totally disarmed the man and for a fraction of a second he leaned in to give a kiss before storming off and ending the altercation. So that’s one strategy. Start telling people to give you a kiss.
Another thing I do is start asking myself, “big problem, little problem, or no problem at all?” I can’t control other people’s actions but I am in control of my own actions. The best I try to do is continue to act pleasant but there’s also merit in just stopping the interaction the best I can. I do think people like to troll the sensitive. I’ve had success in just straight up tearing up instead of trying to hide my tears. Keep your head up. I’m a sensitive girl too 💔
Thank you!
Stop caring about other random people. Grow a spine and tell them to fuck off ornjust walk away.
A while ago someone wrote something about NYC and California.
In NYC, people will say "FU" but mean "How are you doing."
In California, people will say "How are you doing" but mean "FU."
It may be the people you hang around.
Can you expand please?
Thank you!
So, there are multiple situations of Jerkyness.
The transmutation of emotional energy. A theory written by a very evil man named Napoleon Hill in his book Think and Grow Rich.
The author is smart and cunning. But a bit fanatical and self centered. Pretty much Trump.
He rewrote a theory that is practiced in the east.
When something bad happens to you, that builds negative energy. The natural response is to shoot out that negative energy at the next person you see. That's bad self management.
Good self management understands and sees bad energy and can neutralize it via conscious thought and action. Take a walk, tell yourself something, dispel bad feelings.
The masters of self management can transmutate bad energy into good energy and use it for positive. Michael Jordan would get mad when people would make fun of him. He would play harder and just make that team look poor. He turned anger and hurt into a work drive. And he produced something positive. After a while, people were literally afraid to make fun of Jordan.
Love this. Thank you!
Another theory that aligns with this is Dr John Grey's theory of the cave and the dragon. (From the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)
When some people are hurt, angry, or troubled, they go into a private cave. This is to be left alone. This is to think about things by themselves. If a person tries to enter the cave, a Dragon comes out and burns the person trying to intrude.
That Dragon is an anger response. When a person yells, screams, or freaks out.
Some people have problems and don't know how to deal. So the only thing they can do is act like an animal and dump their negative energy on you.
In dating, with breakups.
It's ok to have a pity party for 4 days. But on the 5th day, you have to get up, even if the bullets are still hitting you and you are hurting, and move to a better place where you're not getting hurt anymore. Then you start healing.
This was from a "Dating for Dummies" book. Good advice.
One I deal with is a client at work.
The Project Manger for the client does not know what he is doing. On Sept 8 he had a meltdown against something I said. He's doubled down since and insists that what I suggested doesn't need to be done. Even though it is the clear answer.
So, I dismiss it as he's a whale. A company with lots of money, is idiotic, and my job is just to drain him of money. Not to actually fix the problems.
Be charmingly petty like 50 cent
That’s actually what my personality is like. But I look like Dolly Parton so people treat me funny lmao
Edit:
Only when it comes to her makeup tendencies
Kill them with kindness
Become less sensitive.
Give me a how to
[deleted]
How do you get to step 1? I need a step 0 to get to the 1
Try and pretend like that person is having the worst day of their life
If every day is hard, it’s not the world it’s you.
Nope. There are factors that affect my interactions with the world. Such as - suddenly - being racist is trendy.
Gonna have to harden up eventually.
Never
Ironically, you're being hard right now.
You can do it. You already are.
Every person should feel some sense of self worth and a will to fight for their own dignified existence.