Hello!! I’m only joining this community because I was reading a comment section about polyamorous people and apparently how saying “polyam is a choice” is problematic but with how I’m autistic, that’s personally doesn’t make any sense to me. I would like to make it clear that I am queer as well and I do not mean any disrespect, just because I’m queer doesn’t mean i understand every single thing !!! So please be nice because I realized I may not know much about polyamory as I thought.
People have said in their defense to the statement by saying “oh I wasn’t born monogamous.” And again, it doesn’t make sense to me because no one is born dating multiple people, sure when we are young, as kids we thought we like multiple people because we didn’t understand love and everything is not permanent and is superficial. I thought I liked multiple people because I thought if you find someone attractive= you like them when that was NOT the case.
I always thought polyamory as a lifestyle, I do not consider it inherently queer because there are many cis/het poly relationships but I know it’s more common in queer relationships. I only do not understand it when people say it’s not a choice because I personally think it is, or so that I was taught!!! I think polyamory in itself is rather learned by knowing you are able to give more love than what society tells you how to give it, I do not understand how it’s not a choice but I’m willing to learn!!
By saying "born with it" they don't mean they exited the womb with multiple partners. They mean that being poly is a natural part of them.
I didn't come out of the womb attracted to all genders and with no clue what mine is, those are things I've come to learn about myself as I've gotten older.
Im poly and here is my understanding of the "its a choice/not a choice" thing. For some people it is a choice, because they can be in a happy and healthy relationship regardless of number of people involved.
Some people, eather because of how they were raised or by nature, can only be in a healthy relationship if its monogamous.
Some people can only be in a healthy relationship if its poly.
Some people have to have a closed relationship, and some don't.
Some people are just assholes or immature and think being poly is being able to cheat freely, or just shouldn't be in a relationship at all yet
Hey there, I hope I can help. I'm a cis white queer masc person. my spouse is masc enbee and my partner is cis/male/gay. we're in a Vee relationship meaning i'm the shared partner between the other 2, and they don't get intimate. Friends around the corner are a 3 masc bear triad, meaning they're all in it together.
I can relate to people who say they were born poly, i also get the people who say it's a choice. I've been essentially poly my whole life but I tried to force myself into a monogamous lifestyle because i didn't know I had any other choices. My spouse and I have been together 25 years and we were open from the start and later transitioned into polyamory. I will try to answer any other questions you have here in the thread.
May I ask, for the Vee relationship (love that terminology since it makes intuitive sense)
Is that the agreed upon setup or are the other two allowed to also see other people (without it being an issue)?
Not the person you asked, but I will also answer. I've been poly since before dating my girlfriend and my wife, so both were aware in advance.
My girlfriend (who came first; we've been together 8 years) and my wife (together 4 years, married for 1.5) both know about each other; they aren't friends or see each other often, just vague acquaintances. I asked my girlfriend if she was comfortable with me dating my wife, and she gave me the go-ahead.
My girlfriend is poly, and she had a boyfriend I introduced her to for a little while; but after they broke up, she's been disinterested in dating anyone else. My wife is monogamous by her own choice.
We're all 3 allowed as it were, to have any other number of partners or relationships. I find 3 people is the max I can manage. There are other like relationships that have totally different rules. The biggest thing is having open honesty. You have to be able to honestly communicate and it's hard. Feelings get hurt. Jealousy happens. It's an in how you deal with it. It just happens that the other 2 aren't into each other that were a vee instead of a triad
Gotcha, thanks for explaining.
I wasn’t sure if it was a V relationship by rules (which would seem a bit questionable) or if that was just how it naturally happened (which is fine).
Cheers
It's both. Some folks are more predisposed to polyamory whether or not true relationship they are in is a polyamorous relationship itself.
For me, the "choice" is either be single or be in a poly relationship.
I tried mono relationship multiple times (before I knew that poly was a thing) and it was a disaster. It made me depressed and anxious about the feeling I could catch with someone else. I was restraining myself from getting to know other people.
Now I know for sure that it's ok if I flirt with someone, it's ok if I catch feeling with someone, it's ok if I sleep with someone, and most importantly it's ok if I date someone else.
That's like saying I accidently cheated, it wasn't my fault.
Polyamory is 100% a choice, but it's a choice made by 2 people and not 1
Some people are not suited for monogamy, but Thayer doesn't make them default poly, that makes them unable to function properly in a monogamous relationship.
However a relationship style is an agreement that people come to
Prior disclaimer that I'm speaking more from observation than personal experience - I'm studying you alloromantics under a microscope.
To my understanding, most people who form romantic interests only develop that to attachment/connection with one person at a time. So while most people can have multiple crushes, actually being in love is something more selective and limited. See, someone rejecting an advance with "I already have someone I love". These people can still choose to engage in polyamourous relationships or cheat, but then that's more for social reasons or as an expression of power, rather than because they're in love with multiple people.
Someone who is polyamourous won't have that same... block? Safeguard? Limit (set at 1)? They can develop crushes into love for multiple people either at once or sequentially, without that having any implications about their prior loves. This person can choose to engage in poly relationships, or not. I wouldn't expect that this type of person would cheat, because if you genuinely love both (potential) partners, you don't want to hurt either of them and what if the people you love could get to know one another? Be friends? But it's still possible.
So. I guess I would say that there's a difference between a poly identity and poly relationships. It's similar to how a gay person does not choose their orientation, but they do "choose" their behaviour. A gay person can "choose" to engage in a straight relationship to better engage in society (and historically, many have!) the same way a poly person can perform monogamy. And in the same way that forcing a straight person into a gay relationship is bad, so is forcing a monoamourous person into a poly relationship, mormons.
I am not poly myself.
I do consider polyamory as queer.
First and foremost because it goes against cisheteronormative relationship styles. That makes it queer by default.
Second: I believe it is a choice to engage in any kind of relationship, but I don't think it's a choice whether you are monogamous in nature or not.
Humans are a serial monogamous species. Meaning we have several romantic relationships, but one at a time.
In every monogamous species, you are going to find exceptions to the rule. There will always be some who have multiple partners, and there will always be some polycules. Likewise, in non-monogamous species, you'll often find some couples that just stick together as a duo.
I don't think monogamous people can just choose polyamory and be happy.
To overshare, but possibly answer your question, some people want emotional connection and a relationship with someone who has sexual desires, but have physical/medical disabilities themselves that prevent them from being sexually active. For these people, finding a polyamorous partner is a way to feel love with someone, and not feel like you’re forcing them to go without sex just because it couldn’t be with you. You may wonder, why not just find an asexual partner? And the answer is that it’s hard to find asexuals who want to date and they usually prefer to date other asexual people because, for the same reason but on the other side, it’s a hard to feel that your partner isn’t living the life they want with you.
Theoretically it is a “choice” but realistically the choice is between (1) them living in a sexless monogamous relationship or (2) them leaving you and having a sexual relationship of some kind or (3) them loving you and having sex with other people. I know some people are fine with 1 but most people aren’t and I don’t want to force someone I love to live without sex if they could physically enjoy that even though I can’t. As a result, depending on who you end up loving, the only options might be to be poly with them or not be with them at all.
In my experience disabilities has nothing to do with being poly, and if your only willing to be in a poly relationship because you think making them live in a sexless relationship is mean or unfair it will end badly, no matter what.
If your not at least neutral on your partners being involved with other people sexualy an open relationship won't work, and if they are allowed to actually have lasting long term sexual relationships you had better also be ok with them having a romantic relationship with someone else as well, because most people have connections between there sexual and romantic attractions, and will struggle to not develop feelings for someone they enjoyed fucking for the last couple years.
Hi, as a poly person
Currently in a relationship with one while being down bad for at least 3 more
While it is a choice to date multiple people, falling in love with multiple people at the same time isn't a choice. Given that, these are the options:
Would personally say that the consensual poly relationship is the only option where nobody gets hurt.
I mean… for me it’s kind of a personal choice, not something that I have to act upon. I think of being poly as a system of trust, where you can be more independent and confident within a relationship. I also place more value on an emotional connection rather than a sexual one, so I don’t really care who my partners have/will sleep with. I would only feel hurt in a poly relationship if they prioritized their sexual needs over my emotions.
But if my partner didn’t want to be poly, I would also be fine with this. As long as I am shown love and feel special, I don’t care what they identify as (poly/mono/something in between).
whether or not it is a choice is irrelevant because at the end of the day it's a personal decision to be in a poly relationship. As long as everyone is consenting!
I would definitely say being poly is queer, by right of nature, and how it's treated by society.
I was born poly in the same way I was born trans. I could never be in a relationship with the kinds of rules that monogamy has. I couldn't comprehend caring about who my partner is with. I naturally feel a lot of compersion.
We STILL don't have equal marriage. Many poly people are forced to either hide their relationships or lose family. If that's not enough to be let into the queer label, idk what is.
I think for some people it can be a choice, like I personally could go either way depending on the situation but I think some people can only feel happy and fulfilled in a poly relationship and would feel unhappy for some reason or another in a monogamous one and vice versa some people are exclusively monogamous. I guess it's just another spectrum
Poly is always queer. Mononormativity is just as much of a normative society structure as cisnormativity and heteronormativity, and polyamorous people are discriminated against as much in most places as other queer people, not to mention that... yeah, most polyamorous people tend to fall somewhere under the bi/pan umbrella.
Now, mind you: anthropologically speaking monogamy is just another thing inflicted upon society because of the patriarchy. Humans by nature are not a pair-bonding species. Some people will do better with monogamy than others, but generally speaking it is not human nature.
Most polyamorous people also are some flavor of neurodivergent, as they will usually just get more annoyed with society pushing non-sensical rules upon them.
No.
Poly is not inherently queer. A het relationship between two self identifying cis/het people doesn't suddenly become queer when one of them starts dating another cis/het person.
Nor are straight poly people discriminated against as much as queer people. There is a perception that poly people are just cheating, and that is discrimination, but cheating won't get you fired, banned from public bathrooms. In 15 years of ethical polyamory, I've never heard of poly people being hate crimed for being poly.
*edit for spelling. Gods, I hope that was the only one... (I know it likely wasn't)
Poly people do not have marriage equality. That's a pretty big one, and there's other - related - legal issues about long term poly relationships. Harvard has a piece on it.
You're right. It was irresponsible and insensitive of me to dismiss the very real discrimination that polyamorous people face.
I should not have compared the discrimination faced by queer identifying people and polyamouras people, especially based solely on anecdote. Nor should we do that at all without respecting nuance.
Straight people in a poly relationship are discriminated against. Polyamorous people cannot marry their partners, and will get discriminated against in terms of housing, and everything. If anything my experience as a trans bisexual person is that there is few things I experience as much discrimination against as my polyamory. I know people who have been disinherited for being poly, losing jobs for being poly, losing custody of children, and many other things. Polyamory is an inherently queer identity. Because queerness is not just cisness and heteroness but generally obliging to societal norms around sexuality, romance, and gender. And people gatekeeping "queerness" as a concept against others are the least helpful to our rights.
You are projecting your identity onto people who identity as straight.
You are gatekeeping queerness. And frankly, I have yet to meet those mysterious polyamorous straight people. Do I know guys who want an OPP and have a harem fantasy? Yeah. Do they identify as polyamorous? No.
Ok that's nice.
But i am not gatekeeping anything. You can't gatekeep something from someone who doesn't want it. Maybe your poly community is heavily queer. I'm glad for you. We're not all so lucky.
Different patriarchal societies have used many different relationship combinations and norms not just monogamy lol. And yeah non monogamous doesn't equal queer. No one calls non monogamous red pill dudes queer.
Polyamory is not non-monogamy. Those are two very different things, darling.
You were talking about mononormativity?
Yes, and mononormativity is still very much patriarchal in nature. Anthropoligically speaking it originated with the concept of men owning their wives, and the societal unrest that comes with few men owning all the women. Which is why so many patriarchal societies have ended up with enforcing monogamy by law.
Is being asexual a choice? Is being bisexual a choice? Is being trans a choice? No. The identity is inherent, the only choice being made is to not be closeted or silenced.
And Polyam people are queer if they identify with our community; even if you perceive a person as cishet they experience oppression as a polyam person, especially legally, and are welcome here.
For me monogamy just fundamentally doesn’t work with how I experience and view relationships. I don’t really view it as a choice for me personally because I cannot be in a strictly monogamous relationship and be happy. I don’t really vibe with dating culture as a whole if I’m being honest though, and am also on the aro spectrum, so I don’t really do “standard” relationships. Everyone is different though so other people are going to have different experiences, this is just my own situation.
I think the "born this way?" and "is it inherently queer?" questions aren't really all that useful.
Are some people polyamorous? Yes. Are some people monogamous? Also yes. Are some others one, then the other, and back again? Still yes.
Speaking from experience it's not really important to label everything in its own neat little box.
My partner and I met and started seeing each other, off and on, over the course of years, in polyamorous relationships. In our off times we were best friends, but our other relationships were often in the way.
As things worked out, we finally hit a stretch when we we were both fully single and landed together again. We've been in love with each other for a decade, but only in a monogamous relationship for about 5 years now. Although we don't really rule out being open at some point in the future.
My point being... For some, probably even a lot of people, being polyamorous, or not, isn't necessarily a fixed permanent thing.
Regardless. As long as it's ethical and consensual let people do their thing.
I'll approach this from the angle of feelings and responses.
Let's say I'm currently in a open relationship. When I consider the possibility of my partner sleeping with another person, I do not feel jealousy or betrayal, but curiosity. The first question that comes to me might be "Oh so what does he/she have?" without the "that I don't?" part. My first emotional response sounds more like "Are you going to invite me in?" rather than "How could you?".
The above indicates that I'm open to triads and polycule relationships. Within the realm of intimacy, I would lean towards "what is good should be shared" over "what is good should be reserved".
The fact that I'm in an exclusive monogamy reflects the desires of my partner, whom I love. I haven't felt romantic interests towards multiple people at once yet (this would be the primary indicator of innate polyamory), but this wouldn't frustrate me innately - I just won't act upon that.
Reading the comments so far it seems like it's a mixed bag. So as someone who identifies as ambiamorous (can be in either a monogamous or polyamorous relationship and have no preference over the other) I view it as a choice for myself only. If it's not a choice for others and they can only do mono or poly, then they view it as not a choice. I believe both statements, it's a choice and not a choice, can coexist here.
The logic you used for poly not being queer doesn't work for me because most of us come from cis heteronormativity until we're introduced to queerness. "How is poly queer?" I feel can be answered correctly by a queer history buff. My answer (which I won't claim is correct but feels correct) is that it's both not societally normative and practiced more among the queer community so it defaults as queer.
To me polyamory is both natural and a choice. I naturally feel overwhelming love for more than one person at a time. I feel this way, but it doesn't feel like my only choice. Any partner I have needs to be aware that I will get crushes and feeling for others and I do not have the ability to control that part of myself, it's built in. I can make the conscious decision to participate in a monogamous relationship, though it may not be as fulfilling to me. I think I might end up not as happy personally, but I am willing to sacrifice for love.
My bf has known he's polyam much longer than I've known, actively told me, after we had our first 3rd partner (my first polyam relationship) and it crashed and burned and I got very hurt by the 3rd, that he would be willing to be monogamous with me if this experience made me not want to pursue polyam relationships anymore. It was the most meaningful thing he could say to me because if someone is willing to sacrifice that part of themselves for you it's a lot.
This is such a stupid conversation every time people bring it up. What's the point? The venn diagram of poly people and queer people is basically just one blurry circle anyway.