First things first we are both the legal and biological parents of our child.
Backstory: (Location: Dallas, Texas) I, in the past year, realized I am transgender. My wife (L to make life easy) has been EXTREMELY supportive and our son (A. 6yo) we currently live with L's mom and pay her rent (unreported and no contract but 500 a month usually zelle now but cash also happens often) along with helping with groceries when we can. My mother in law (V) is very transphobic and has been very vocal about my transition.
Story: Today I wore a wig and had makeup on, have been doing this most days since thanksgiving, but today she caught me when I came home from work. V and L got into it because V saw me wearing the wig. And long story short she essentially threatened to take our son away and kick us out if I continue to transition. While we are planning on moving out it's not gonna happen in the next 6 months as my wife is in cosmetology school.
Legal question: due to the fact we are in Texas, and I know in Florida she actually could file for custody due to this I am wondering if it is legally possible for her to file for custody for our child just for being trans. At this point we are preparing for the worst so I want to know if I need to get a lawyer in this process as well or if we will be safe and just need to plan our exit quietly
Thank you for any information you can provide.
( Not a Lawyer but a court watcher in Texas)
In Texas, a grandparent would have to prove “significant harm” to get custody of a child away from a parent. It would have to be done through court. Typically it’s a solo parent vs grandparent. She would have to prove that it would HARM the kid to be in your custody.
A lawyer would want probably 10k retainer fee for a grandparent custody case. Grandma can’t just keep or take your child without your consent. That’s kidnapping. She would have to go through the courts to get custody. ( Unless she calls CPS … but CPS would have to prove abuse to take a kid away.) I would be very concerned she might evict you. It might be essential to start looking for another place to stay. This is a hostile environment to live in for your family.
One way to stem off any potential problems, you put the kid in counseling. Then you are “good parents” making sure to take the child’s emotional needs into consideration during this transition in your family.
If the grandmother does evict OP than the child becomes homeless too. And THAT could be used to argue for custody.
I would look into eviction law in the state also. Evictions aren’t as easy as “you can’t be here anymore”.
Not to be alarmist, but there are lawyers looking for clients in Texas to take this exact kind of case to the courts. Jonathan Mitchell is a good example of someone who does that. He’s already been taking abortion cases on behalf of men who want to sue their ex partners/her friends. His amicus brief in the Dobbs decision discussed that Obergefell v Hodges should be overturned and he’s had his hand in a lot of anti-LGBTQ efforts in Texas. I would genuinely be concerned if MIL found him because he wouldn’t charge her and has been pushing boundaries looking for ways to establish precedent for very conservative causes through the legal system. Making a case that a trans person couldn’t be a parent and had to forfeit their children would be right up his alley.
As a note, he’s largely been unsuccessful so far, but you need to know for yourself if your MIL does find a lawyer, if this is a fight you want to have. It WILL go very public.
There is a Trans Legal Aid Clinic of Texas who may be a resource for you if you need to find a lawyer.
OP, how quickly would your family be able to relocate out of state?
(NAL, just someone who has followed and been involved with Texas politics on a few different social issues and knows the players).
Genuinely appreciate the information, definitely helps a lot. Thank you
Given the way the executive and judiciary are moving in this state, it’s entirely fathomable they rule the OP simply being trans constitutes “significant harm.” OP needs to get out of Texas.
JFC consult a lawyer before putting a child in therapy for strategic reasons! This could backfire spectacularly! ETA: This is like sending CPS an engraved invitation to investigate you NOW. Medical records are not confidential in child welfare! Therapists are mandated reporters of anything they decide is troubling. Your child could express confusion or discomfort. Be smart. You’re in TEXAS. And NEVER open the door to CPS.
As someone in field, you're flaming fear unnecessarily. As someone who practices in a state that is very anti trans, we are actively taught how to keep records in a way that protects our clients identity and keeps them safe. That could mean saying the child is being evaluated to see how they are coping with changes in his parents living situation. So far I have observed XYZ. Therapists would not say, client is here because a parent identifies as trans in any sort of documentation that could be used in courts. They will most certainly be even more cautious around note taking if op mentions legal actions are being threatened. Also having a trans parent is most certainly not something that a therapist could legally call CPS on. A therapist is a mandated reporter in very very specific terms and breaking confidentiality outside of those terms risks huge legal issues like being sued and a definite possibility of losing their licensure. As long as the counselor is held to apa or aca standards, there is no risk because op could sue the sh*t out of any therapist would reports this. Even in Texas.
If the OP decided to leave the state, Texas might still have jurisdiction till they got residency somewhere else. It’s best to wait … Move out. After moving out do not let Grandma have any unsupervised time with the child. The child does not visit grandma unless a parent is physically there. Then leave the state. You can’t just leave in the middle of a school year for kid and while there is a semi strong bond between child and grandma. You have to separate them first. Texas allows grandparents rights to visitation when there is a significant bond and if it would be a substantially impair the child’s wellbeing not to see the grandparent. Usually that’s only in case where one parent is deceased or in jail or whatever… Like if a wife dies and the husband refuses to let the maternal good grandparents have contact. But grandparent rights are visitation not custody!! If it can be documented by a therapist that grandma has committed parental alienation… no chance of visitation!
Be careful about putting your child in counseling. A lawyer can use that to argue that your child is struggling due to your transition.
I honestly don't know anymore. A few years ago I would have told you that she didn't even have standing to sue for custody but in the climate in TX now I am not sure that is still true.
Your best bet honestly would be to move to a state that is more supportive of your situation and to do so pretty quickly.
And to not tell the MIL where you’re moving to. Before any legal steps are taken by grandma.
We agreed last night to go completely no contact after moving out. She won't know anything.
Just a note. I don't know if you are purchasing property, or renting so my comment is about purchasing a house.
Many property deeds are available online via their respective county's online court document search.
I used to live in Dallas, I'm now in another state. For Dallas county, I believe it is dcad.org. look for Dallas county property search.
I bring this up because if you move and purchase property, your parents can either use an online web search tool, or hire a private investigator who will use their own search tools.
So if you're going to be buying a new home, see if you can put the property under some sort of LLC, trust, or some financial/property vehicle that you control, own, AND ALSO has neither your name or your wife's name. People have moved states and been found this way.
So talk to a real estate attorney if you'll be buying a new house about this so you can't be found.
I had no idea that was even a thing, while I'm in no place to buy a home right now that is extremely helpful information for the future, thank you.
You're welcome.
Plenty of stories where people were surprised that their stalkers found them.
It is a plan, we are actually planning on moving to Colorado in the future, but for the past 7 years we've been on one income, and my mil and my job have not really made it easy to save(store manager but I only make 45k after taxes and insurance) but we are working on it.
You don’t have a lease?
You’re a tenant, but can be told to leave with roughly 30 days notice (technically one full month ending on the rent due date).
Can she win custody? Almost certainly no. Can she make life a huge hassle AND make you homeless? Yes. Do things get more complicated if you are homeless? Yeah, a bit.
I hate that my advice is for you to deny who you truly are, but can you move heaven and earth to move up your move-out date and slow-walk your transition any time you might run into your MIL until then? Without a lease, your living situation is precarious. Appeasement sucks, but as long as you’re reliant on her for shelter, it may be the easiest choice.
Maybe not the easiest choice but definitely the safest -nonbinary child of a transphobe
It is something I'm considering, my wife and my therapist both initially initiated I come out due to mental health reasons but safety is the biggest priority. We are weighing all options rn trying to figure out what the safest options are for all of us.
Grandma has an uphill battle, but she has a case for visitation for sure, based on the existing relationship. She has been housing and feeding the minor child.
Not a lawyer, my advice would be to stay your AGAB until your move out, Texas is scary now. Better be safe.
It's depressing and painful but that is an option.
Not a lawyer but I’d definitely be paranoid that she would frame your transitioning as harmful to the kid. And in a transphobic state like Texas, it might be easier to sell the narrative. As a Tran person myself I completely understand how devastating it is but I would delay anything more than private social transition until you are fully out of the house.
That is one of the biggest things I'm worried about. Being in Texas and who she is I wouldn't put it past her. But for not I'm avoiding her completely until we come up with a plan.
OP, you need to move out asap. This is not a safe place for you, your wife, or child to live anymore.
Trust me it is the plan, it's just gonna take some time unfortunately.
If I were you, and as shitty as this is, I would hold off on transitioning while you’re in her house and then move away as soon as you possibly can. Out of Texas. Your family is uniquely vulnerable there. Good luck.
As a trans person myself (although I am fortunate enough to be in a state where I would feel comfortable fighting), it’s a terrible decision, and I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Like someone else said, at this point with Zelle you have a record of being tenants even without an express contract, so make sure you’re informed of tenant rights in Texas (not that they’re great but it’s at least a foundation). Then yes, absolutely keep up to date. Erin in the Morning is a great newsletter that can help you keep track of the political changes happening day by day. She cannot just remove you and hold your son hostage, or refuse to return him, or anything of the sort. You being trans doesn’t negate her causing harm or criminal damage to a child, so that’s at least set aside for now. Really it’s a personal decision between your mental health and your family’s safety, that likely needs to be discussed in depth with your wife. Is it safe to be there another six months? Can you personally handle delaying your transition? Do you know someone who’d be willing to let you stay while she completes her certifications? There are a lot of factors here, but I hope that means you have options, and opportunity for adjustments either to physically or legally shut her down or patience could all help assure your safety here. I really wish you the best of luck and my prayers.
Right now I don't know but thank you for giving me this information to think about.
[removed]
Disrespectfully wtf is wrong with you. It's wild you make assumptions on a situation you know VERY little about. Then add the most triggering comment you ever could at the end. If you must know, me coming out was a decision my wife and I came together on after multiple conversations between me and my therapist and me and my wife. The most important thing was how do I stay alive because the issues I was having hiding everything was making me suicidal. Hell I've considered and even offered living on the streets and still paying my mil rent while my wife and son stay here just so they have a roof over their head and food in their mouth. So don't you dare say make harmful and to be blunt disrespectful assumptions on a situation you know nothing about.
[removed]
Grandparent rights are a thing in many states, including Texas. Usually they have to establish that child has been living with them, which it appears they have been. I believe Texas states that they need to have been living with them for 6+ months.
[removed]
I appreciate that a whole lot. Thank you. You be safe too Hun, this is a very scary time.
Not a lawyer and this isn't really legal advice anyway.
I am a member of the LGBTQ community and I grew up queer during the gay panic of the 1980's so please know that this comes from someone who has literally been there, done that from about 7th grade onwards in a family, community and country that hated queer people and was glad AIDS was killing them:
Pause your transition for now and keep your trans identity on the downlow until you and your family have your own place and then go no contact with the b*tch and live your best life. Yes, it sucks and you shouldn't have to do it but there's the way things should be and the way things ARE and unless you can afford (financially, emotionally and mentally) to fight...you have to pick your battles.
[removed]
Trust me it's in the works, it just takes time, moving with a child changes EVERYTHING.
It's not that far-fetched regardless of the trans thing. I have a coworker who was living with a parent, parent kicked her out, and then was able to get custody of the kid because she had a home and my coworker did not. She's currently fighting for custody. Now there may be other things that I don't know about. But my point is you can't wait 6 months. Get out now.