Location: Arkansas
Hey everyone, I feel like I’m in a bind right now. My ex informed me last night stating that he was going to boot camp in 3 weeks or so. We currently have split custody of a 3 yr old son. He’s with me for a week, then he goes to his dad’s for a week, rinse and repeat.
When we first went to court, I specifically asked for sole custody. I didn’t want my ex to have any involvement with my son. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me during our relationship, cheated on me the entire time until I got pregnant, when we split up. He was absent from the pregnancy, except for going to the appointments and during the birth, and then it blew up again once the baby was born, and we went to court when my son was approximately 16 months old.
The courts denied my request for sole custody. My attorney was trash and let my ex’s attorney run all over us and that was that. Week on and week off agreement.
So now, this current situation. Arkansas is a landlocked state. We do not have a Navy presence here. We have a very strong Air Force and Army presence instead. I’m just dumbfounded that he chose a branch where he would have to more than likely move to a different state.
Im scared he’s trying to manipulate the system and try to take my son away. My son is 3, he goes to speech therapy when he’s with me because his dad lives 2+ hours away, and he’ll be starting school in about 1.5 years. I have an older child from a different relationship and we are very much established in the town we live in. My mom loves 2 miles away from me and watches the kids when I’m at work, I’ve lived in the same residence for 5+ years, and have been with the same company for 6 years.
My son throws a fit when he has to go to his dad’s. He cries and screams and clings to me while his dad rips him away from me. I feel awful for him and he gets so excited when he sees me again the next week. I ask him if he wants to go see his daddy and he always says no.
I know he’s too young for the courts to take his input into account, but what can I do? I’m so scared. My babies are everything to me and I do everything in my power to keep them happy, healthy, protected, and make sure they have opportunities to explore their interests so they can become well-rounded adults.
I’m sorry this is a long read, I’m just worried. Thank you
Edit to add: Reasons why this makes me nervous for my baby and myself:
-When we tried again at a relationship, it lasted 10 months total. During that time, he had given our son a bath twice.
-He would yell at me in front of our son. One time pushing me down on the bed. Son ran to me and started yelling towards his dad and waving his hands at him to stop.
-He has told me before that he would take our son away and that I could just make another baby.
-When I drop son off, I make sure he’s washed up, with fresh and clean clothes on.
-Multiple times when I have picked my son up, his hair smells musty, like a mix of a wet dog/moldy house. His body will be dirty, and he comes home in clothes that are dirty and too small for him. (He wears size XS or S in boys clothes. The last time he came home, he was brought back in 3T clothes. A size he outgrew last year.)
-He always comes back in a diaper that looks and feels like he hasn’t been changed in hours. Even his overnight pull-up is not as full as these diapers.
-He has come back before, at least two or three times, with very nasty diaper rashes. The most recent time there was a little bit of blood from the rashes.
-When he comes back to me, he is aggressive and tries to punch his sister, my mom, and I. After a couple days, he returns to being a sweet boy.
The reality is that he will go to bootcamp outside of Chicago at Great Lakes Naval Station, not South Carolina or California, like someone else mentioned. He could be stationed anywhere in the world where there is a Navy base. He will need to modify custody and visitation to accommodate him being away. You will not have to do anything but be the other party in the modification hearing. Likely, you two will have to discuss a visitation schedule that works around his duty obligations, of which there will be many.
Most likely, he'll really only get to see your child a few times a year while he's training (initial entry training, includes boot camp and individual training), and then really only while he's on leave in Arkansas. Otherwise, after he finishes all training, your ex may get the child for a few weeks during the year (every other Christmas, for 2 weeks, for example). You will not have to move or change your life in any way, except maybe meeting him somewhere to exchange the child for his visits.
As far as benefits go, he'll need to list your child as dependent and the military will do the rest. Your child will have Tricare which is really good insurance, basically everything is covered except for expensive medications. Your child's speech therapy will be the best, and it will cost you nothing. Your ex will not get extra pay though as he does not have full custody. He'll be living in the barracks with the rest of the enlisted folks. They'll require him to get a hotel or Airbnb or some reasonable accommodations for when your child visits, as the child won't be allowed to go in the barracks.
He likely won't try to get custody either because the military makes you have a "family care plan" which is a whole nightmare. Basically, you can only have sole custody and remain in the military if you give power of attorney to folks to raise your kid if you need to leave, and they must sign that they're willing to do so at a moment's notice. Most people will not be willing to agree to this. (I was a single father in the Army with full custody; it is a nightmare for the service member as you can be deployed anytime for any reason. My parents were the only people willing to take my son at a moment's notice and they had to agree to be available to fly out within 24 hours to pick up my son in the event of rapid deployment).
The biggest risk you'll have is that if he gets stationed overseas and takes your kiddo out of the country for a visit, he may flee with the kid and be very difficult to track down. This happened to a family I knew when I was stationed in Germany. Basically, dad joined the Army to get away from ex-spouse but still wanted the kids. Waited for his first visit with the kids in Germany and then fled the base with them. It took years for the ex-spouse to track him down and regain custody. If I remember right, he was caught in Spain, maybe Italy.
If he actually joins-a big if-don't assume he'll do the right thing-eg file a motion for modification of custody. There are some who join for the express purpose of escaping their responsibilities, up to and including child custody/child support agreements.
So-unfortunately-you'll need to keep track of his whereabouts; if he does join, it's probably a good idea for you to get a lawyer for you to initiate modification...and to make sure your support order gets sent to the Navy so they can assess his pay.
Yea the military won’t let him escape his responsibility of a child. He will have to disclose that to his leadership and command will know & he most certainly will pay child support. Also the courts will not side with children being moved away to accommodate the father when that interrupts a life the child has been used to , where his educational and therapy needs are being met by the parent he resides with. The parent that the child doesn’t live with won’t have that much power especially since the choice to be far away is of their own accord. Just speak to a lawyer but don’t be scared and thinking you’ll be forced to move anywhere , not at all true. The military also doesn’t favor a single parent having any custody of a child while active , so it’s even better for you
The military will go after you like no one's business. Even if you are retired
My mother had military benefits while they were separated. Her id was going to expire and my dad was dragging his feet to sign a document. My mom went to the bar and explained the situation. The guys there got (according to my mom) excited about the idea of them going to my dad's office. They were enlisted guys and my dad was an retired officer. First that sent a registered letter with threats and she got her paperwork.
He’ll also have to list it on his security questionnaire as well (not DOD, but I do personnel security for the federal government).
If it helps, people have been denied civilian employment with the Feds for not meeting their child support obligations
A different lawyer
Avoiding child support is not a good reason to join the military, lol. It is actually a crime to not support your dependents. All OP needs to do is notify the navy that he has a dependent, they'll take care of the rest.
He’s joining the navy meaning for the first at least 9 months after basic, he’ll be on a ship. No judge is going to give a single man in the navy sole custody. If anything, he will have very minimal visitation. Don’t worry, girl. This works better for you, not him.
This is the right answer. (I am prior military and my husband was in 28 years)
I’m also prior military. I’ve never seen a man in the military get sole custody and primary visitation of their kids just due to the fact that it’s not a stable lifestyle. Especially the navy.
Your ex has to file a motion in court that he is moving. His legal home may still be wherever he is living. Your custody would not continue week to week as he is not present in your state to continue week to week custody. You will not be forced to move from your home state because your ex joined the military. You will not have your child taken for sole custody because your ex joined the military. If anything, this should make your life a LOT easier for a while.
However… are you sure he’s going to bootcamp? Most people don’t just decide to join the military out of nowhere when they already have children. Sounds like he was manipulative.
First) fact find. Is he joining? If he’s joining where will he be in boot (likely SC or Cali) if he’s in bootcamp he cannot legally keep a child for custody so that’s a moot point.
Second) make sure he files all appropriate paperwork if it is the case that he’s actually joining that states your son is a dependent. He will be paid extra money for having a dependent and your son will have TRIcare.
Third) file for a modification of the custody order on the grounds that dad is living the state and a week on off custody agreement is no longer valid. You’re already in your child’s home state, which means court will stay THERE 90% of the time. Better yet if you get your child into preschool and have established routine childcare/scheduling that would actually be a detriment to your child to ongoingly leave.
Fourth) the military has lawyers. He may try to get custody. It’s not going to be as simple as you think.
Take a breath. Until the man disappears and shows back up in uniform, there’s really not shit to worry about.
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Thank you for everything you said. It’s just a very scary situation because I know military has lawyers and everything else. And I’m just trying my best to shield my son from any unnecessary stress or trauma.
My ex is very manipulative. Once we went to court and everything was set in place, he decided he wanted to try again and that he had changed and wanted what was best for our son. So against better judgement, we tried again at a relationship. It ultimately ended when he was waiting for me in the middle of the night tl come home and once I got there, started badgering about where I was (went to Dave and Busters with my oldest because he said our relationship was over) and then he got physical with me, yelling, saying he hated me, my mom, and my daughter, spat in my face multiple times. So I’m very nervous about him
Military lawyers aren't allowed to work on civilian matters. The most they can do is refer to an attorney off base. JAG doesn't get involved in family court, at all. The only time JAG would be involved with anything involving your kiddo would be if something happened to him on base.
Well for one, when entering the military you usually list dependents. Your husband probably said he has kids so he gets the extra BAH payment for having dependents too.
The military has lawyers in the way that corporate businesses have HR. As a sailor and an ex wife to a sailor, you have the ability to force him to pay child support if he’s ordered to and he doesn’t. The military would basically just force him to pay.
But the big thing here is that as a sailor, you spend a lot of time at sea. So he won’t be home for long stretches of time. As such, the navy forces all sailor parents, even married ones, to submit Family Care Plans to their command. Every year they have to fill this out. By default, it will be you. When he’s one shore duty then things can change. But once he’s back to sea, things will change again.
It’s going to be a lot of unknowns, but the main takeaway here for you is that he will be required to have a plan, and he can’t just pick anyone. I believe that the default caretaker would be the other parent.
Head to r/navy and ask some questions there.
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Thanks for the all caps; it really makes a difference. And-again-JAGs don't handle divorce.
I was actually a JAG:Lol. We can go back and forth forever.
He actually pays zero child support. In fact, the court said I would have to pay him because I make more than him currently 🥲 but he said no to that one. But yeah, the child support would be nice, but would be even nicer is if he just gave up his rights altogether 🥲🥲🥲
Giving up his rights doesn’t work like you think and often courts will not grant it unless there is another parental figure to take over (stepparent is most common.)
He also would not be suddenly discharged from payment if he did owe and his rights did cease. Child support and a court order have to make that happen.
Honestly, the JAGs would work towards your favor more than his. They wouldn't represent him, or try to change a court order or anything. If you have a court order for child support, they'd tell you to let some other office process it so it gets taken out of his pay correctly (they might review it for validity, but that'd be about it). But yeah, in this case, the JAGs are your friends, even if they dont work for you.
From what I’ve heard, the military having lawyers is actually more a benefit to you. The military doesn’t like it when they’re enlisted personnel try to evade child or spousal support, so you can notify them of your ex’s obligations and they will actually do your enforcement for you. Them joining the military actually probably makes your life easier.
He will have access to jag lawyers but that will not change the fact that if he joins the navy he will be very unreliable for a while. Between boot camp, training, duty stations, possible ship deployments he's not going to be around much. That is something that is difficult to overcome when you're a single parent. Most single parents have to jump through many hoops to keep primary custody, the default is they don't. Military life if very unpredictable and another parent in the home is pretty much a need.
Right now you don't know that he is actually joining. If he does leave for boot camp, immediately go to court and petition for a change in custody because he is out of state amdake sure your son is a dependent so child support is automatic and he get health insurance.
Navy has 1 bootcamp outside of Chicago. After bootcamp probably he will go elsewhere for what's called A school (Where he learns how to do his job). The Navy will usually send him to a ship in his first tour unless he is something like a Seabee. That means he would be standing duty 1 out of every 4 days. He would have to hire someone to watch the kid (very expensive). Someone has already stated, if he doesn't register the kid, the military will make him. And ensure whatever the court decides is sent to you. Best part of all is the day he enters bootcamp, the child will be eligible for health care. You will need to talk to a military lawyer about the child's rights.
Navy boot camp is outside of Chicago.
ONLY great lakes for bootcamp now.
To add to all the good advice already posted (based on assumption your ex actually joins up), please start documenting all the experiences surrounding visitations and communications. Photograph your child before visitations and photograph the conditions when you get him back. Start a journal of all communications and your experiences. Your future custody modifications may be strongly influenced by proof of the neglect you described.
It's very unlikely that full custody would go to a parent moving out of state, to a new job that requires overseas deployments for months or years at a time. Very, very unlikely.
Take your de facto full custody and see how it goes for the first year or so. Let the father visit when possible. And then look for a better attorney and move to modify the custody order to give you primary custody and him reasonable visitation. And get a child support order if you don't already have one.
Ex is military just get a lawyer and schedule an emergency hearing. There are too many things to consider when parent is military and your child will eventually be of school age.
Who has primary custody for deciding school ie whose address controls that? If that’s not decided get to it. It needs to be you. Eventually kid will be in school and get breaks. Military will work so dad can see his child. Get to work
It sounds like if he actually joins it will help you for a while, and your son will have good benefits while your ex wants it or not, as long as your son is listed, For right now wait and see what he does, Good luck 🫶
Without knowing your situation in its entirety, keep in mind custody decisions are about parenting and not being a good partner, none of the reasons you listed would indicate him being a good or bad father. He may also be a bad father, but courts don’t make custody decisions to help a spiteful ex even if it’s justified.
Your best decision here is to sit down, maybe with attorneys if you have them, and draft a new mutually agreed on custody decision that reflects him moving. Primary residence, who’s responsible for the pickup/returning of the child, who gets which holidays, etc. before you immediately say you can’t agree with him on anything remember you both have a common issue with returning to court, that shit is expensive. Get it drafted by a lawyer and agreed upon and you can go in front of a judge to rubber stamp it and both come out feeling like you lost a little bit rather than you both feeling like you got shafted by the other.
Thank you. When I wrote this, I started to get caught up with the current custody situation and how it made me feel. I’ll update my post with reasons why it makes me nervous and how my son returns to me.
I’m not judging your reasons, these things are emotional and it’s not possible to ignore that! I’m just saying that’s what the court takes into consideration.
Do it mutually, accept you’re going to have to make some concessions, and know this will be a pain in the ass one way or another until your kid is 18. If it’s mutual you can atleast choose the concessions you make, it’s highly unlikely you end up with sole custody but it is possible the court says he’s not allowed to move states if you go that route. Possible but not guaranteed
He’s lying. He can’t join the navy with an active custody order that grants him (sole or joint) physical custody. It’s an immediate disqualifier.
That's a good point. The military will have him sign away custody as a condition of enlisting. I forgot about that reg!
Have you seen his orders? If he is joining the Navy Reserves after his initial training then he would have his monthly training at the Naval Reserve Center at Camp Robinson.
I have not. He texted me last night and it threw me for a loop. But he told me Navy. Not Navy Reserves. I didn’t even know there was a naval reserve center anywhere near here, much less Camp Robinson. My best friend works at Camp Robinson for the Army National Guard.
I plan on texting my ex either tonight or sometime tomorrow. It’s just put me very on edge because it’s so out of the blue. Especially considering that he has taken a multitude of different medications for mental health, as recently as last year and the beginning of this year.
I wanted to join the Air Force National Guard years ago, but I was disqualified because I took Prozac as a teenager and young adult
Sounds like he was not forthcoming about his medical history. Most mental health meds make someone ineligible for service. Usually, you need to be off of them for at least a year and then be evaluated by a military psychiatrist before being allowed to apply for a medical waiver.
I tried to join the Navy right out of high school. I went to the recruiting office, and the recruiter asked me if I'd ever taken antidepressants, to which I said yes, but that was a few years back. He said yeah, don't put that anywhere on your forms, and don't tell the head honcho sitting in that office over there. I wonder if the ex got the same spiel I did.
I joined the Army in 2005, and I wrote down every football injury I'd ever had. The recruiter tore up my form and said "Do any of those things still bother you?" to which I replied "No, not really." He handed me a blank one and said "Yeah, don't list any of that, you'd be disqualified." Now, they are much stricter (I was a recruiter 2015-2018), so if someone told him that they would be in serious trouble.
I hope you are documenting everything. In most cases, the parent that moves away is the one that loses more parenting time, but he might be able to get some vacations. He can’t just take your child away. However, the court isn’t going to take into account the issues that pertain to the clothing and most of the other issues, except maybe the diaper rash and you should be taking the child to the doctor to document that neglect. You’re getting some good advice so relax. It will probably work out better for you in the long run and don’t react to his threats. He’s trying to provoke you.
Be sure to document everything - each time your son comes home dirty, with a rash, etc. You might consider pictures, as well. Documentation can help your case. That being said, his new job will likely make it too difficult for your ex to care for him, and there’s great advice on this thread.
You will need a custody modification to accommodate his service. Realistically, you are primary parent. Don’t mention any relationship woes or perceived parenting flaws on his part. Your situation is almost ideal. Agree to primary guardianship, support, and visitation as his schedule allows.
Definitely right about the relationship woes. Him being verbally aggressive to MOM has nothing to do with his child custody agreement. Him cheating on mom and not being around during the pregnancy has nothing to do with any of it
Go back to court all you can do if you see neglect document it thats all you can do
Not a lawyer: was a sailor. Specifically, I was privy to getting my new sailors caught up on the realities of Big Boy life. Like child support, etc.
For you, this is honestly one of the best things that could have happened to you, if what you want is financial support and minimal interference from him.
Assuming your dude (ex dude) does what's required, he will inform his command (Recruit Teaining Command in this case) that he has a child. This child will be put on his Page 2 (DD Form 1172-2), and then stuff happens.
Your child will be eligible for dependent benefits, such as medical coverage. They will also automatically send child support to you from his check.
He will not get much time in any given year to come back to Arkansas, so, he'll be minimally involved in yhe child's life.
On top of all that, he may become a better, more attentive father when he does get to come back. There are plenty ofndirtbag sailors, but he at least has SOME chance of learning that washing and bathing (both yourself and your kid) is a good thing.
NAL. Based on comments I assume you’re somewhere in Central AR. Contact UALR Bowen and see if anyone in their finals year(s) of law school can provide advice or assistance if you cannot afford a lawyer. If you can afford to get a (new) lawyer. You will need to file a modification of custody and support due to a “material change in circumstances” surrounding both his job and custody availability.
On the off chance he is joining the reserves there is a decent reserves presence in Arkansas and there are Navy folks stationed in/around some of the ports along the major rivers. He is unlikely to be stationed at any of these during his first term if he is active duty. Accept the Tricare. Someone mentioned it’s great and they’re not wrong. My daughter’s NICU stay and my 6 days in the hospital with her cost us $190.
Some of the comments on this thread about JAG/Legal assistance in the military have been on inaccurate. Your ex’s command will be the biggest push in enforcing support if your ex tries to avoid it. An attorney can help you process this through DFAS on the slim chance that command will not assist.
Good luck!
You’ll have to go back to court and have the order modified. You won’t get sole custody, but you’ll get majority, and dad will have to pay more in child support and would see the child on school breaks like Christmas and summer (if he fights for it)
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Well you’ll be happy to know that if he does decide to go to the navy then he won’t be able to be there for you and the child so technically the child will be in your care. Just talk to him and see what he says, he might surprise you by offering to pay you weekly or whatever for the child’s necessities and wants while letting you keep the child with you as he won’t be able to take him
When I joined the army in 2010 if you were divorced/single parent/shared custody you had to give up your rights if you wanted to join. I’m sure it’s still like that now due to having to have a family care plan. Also he can’t join while any legal issues are going on. I would call a navy recruiter and ask them questions about joining as a single parent with split custody and see what they say for the current times. If he’s joining to hide from paying child support or anything like that the military will find out and make him pay. They’ll want your info on child support and stuff like that when he joins, and if he doesn’t mention any of that he’ll be right back out of the navy.
I doubt that he can have your son in a submarine or on an aircraft carrier. Good chance your custody problems will be solved.
That's every branch, unless joining something like the National Guard. Even if he joined a service with bases where you are, there is no guarantee that he'd get stationed there and it's pretty likely that he wouldn't.
Navy veteran here. I'd like to recommend that due to this change in your co-parenting circumstances, your modification request also include you being granted sole decision-making authority for pretty much everything, but especially for medical, dental, and mental health related matters. Contacting a service member who is assigned to a ship or submarine can be difficult and at times even physically impossible (submarines are unable to send/receive communications below a certain depth), and the responses are not always timely. Plus, even though the military tries very hard to facilitate court ordered co-parenting plans; the military can and a times will, choose to filter, delay, or even outright withhold sensitive information from a service member due to mission constraints or OPSEC.
For example, the civilian co-parent needs the approval of the military co-parent for their child to have a procedure done or participate in a sport. The military is not going to break a mission's OPSEC mandated comms silence to send a response to the civilian co-parent about whether or not the military co-parent approves/denies the request. The command and may not even tell the military co-parent about the request until either the comms silence is no longer in effect, or the entire mission has ended. This is especially possible when the request pertains to granting a child permission to participate in a sport or other activity.
What most people have said is true. While he is in training, he will not be able to have visitation. Once he is at a duty station, he would be able to have visitation depending on custody arrangements. Usually custody issues are dealt with prior to leaving boot camp. They make sure he has a family care plan in place before signing up. They have turned potential recruits away for having sole custody and no family care plan. He can choose to keep the same arrangement and appoint someone else as his proxy, for instance his mother or any other family member. They would be his family care plan. You may need to initiate a change if he chooses that route. But it is his right to retain custody.
Please note that there are certain protections in place for service members rights. Women have been torn to shreds in a court room trying to remove or reduce custody and visitation due to a service members location and duty status. My own husband, before we married, fought this same battle. His first wife didn’t even tell him his child was born yet when he was deployed. Other events happened and he had to get emergency leave while deployed and won full custody of his child. He had to sign a kinship agreement to place his child with a trusted family member and finish his deployment. Then he had full custodial custody of her. He retained full custody of her during his entire time in and retired recently.
I give this warning for you to heed. If you never do anything to harm the child or anything like that, then you will likely remain the primary custodian of the child. He will be able to have visitation when he is able. Things can run very smoothly if both parents cooperate. The military stands behind their members and will have their back if provoked. And as long as that service member is in good standing. They will always ensure the child is cared for. He will be required to provide insurance and financial support. If this ever stops, you contact his command. My husband’s ex tried to claim he wasn’t supporting her or the child and an investigation was immediately initiated. They reviewed all bank records and added up everything he was sending to her and it was well over what he was supposed to be and she got in trouble for falsifying the claim. The military is not one to mess around with. Had they found out he wasn’t supporting her they would have made him.
If all goes well, him joining the service could be a very good thing. I’ve seen many mature and grow up under good leadership. Others not so much, but that’s just life.
Why do you say he is too young to have his wishes taken into account? It seems unlikely that that is the law in your jurisdiction.
The universal test is “the best interest of the child.” How the child feels is essential to drawing a conclusion on that issue, although not the last word. I wouldn’t give up just because the child is below the age of majority—all children are.
The baby is 3. Nobody takes 3 year olds’ wishes into account because the only words 3 year olds know are the ones their parents taught them.
My bad. I thought the kid was older.
Three years old is too young in every jurisdiction.
My 3 year old just told me he doesn’t want to live with me and daddy anymore because he wants to live in the woods so he can sleep in a tent every day. A 3 year olds wishes are not ever going to be a thought to a judge in making custody decisions.
Well, I just assumed because he’s 3. If they do take what he Says into account, that would be great