This is the last image of my Nan, she was my best friend. She grew up with a tough life which resulted in tough love to her own children, she was 1 of 14 children (about the middle child) and her parents were not great parents, unfortunately that was shown onto her children at times but never her grandchildren.
She was in a wheelchair and had a number of health issues and I jokingly called her a cockroach with the amount of times she escaped death (there was a time her heartbeat was literally 20bpm). We had a lot of fun together going out and eating donuts at the beach, going to the movies and going to the zoo.
Unfortunately about a month before she passed she was diagnosed with lung cancer after a hospital visit, we decided not to put her through that trauma as my Mum had just gone through it with the same cancer (smokers). My Nan had really bad dementia and sundowning was a real issue most nights, I felt like I was starting to lost our closeness due to the dementia as I struggled being her carer and seeing what it did to her.
On her last night she told me she loved me before bed and I replied that I loved her too, the sundowning happened at about 3am and I went to help put her back to sleep as she had a habit of escaping her bed, I wouldn't let her go outside as she wanted to smoke but I wanted to sleep. She kept saying she couldn't breathe and as she used it as a ploy previously I told her no, she told me 'you want me to die' and I just brushed it off and said goodnight as it upset me, woke up the next morning and she was gone.
I've never gotten over the guilt of feeling like I did something wrong, it's been 2 years and I just want one more cuddle and I love you - she was my last grandparent and I feel like I lost a piece of my heart that day. I didn't get to grieve until after her funeral as I planned a lot of the funeral, made her booklets, picked her flowers, picked songs with just mainly the help of my mother as my siblings were just too shattered.
I loved her so much and I hope she knows that, I really wish she was still here especially on days like today.
If you read all of this thank you, if you didn't it's okay I just needed to get it off my chest 🖤
Aw, I am sorry. What a lovely picture of your Nan. I know your grief, when my Nan passed it was really hard to deal with.
It's such a hard loss because I was always with her even when I was young, her home was kind of like the meeting place for our family and because we lived in such a small town I used to just walk there when I was annoyed. I miss her constantly asking me if I want tea and just her smell.
Thank you for interacting with my post, I think with it being such a family centered holiday I just truly wish she was here. I'm sorry for your loss too 🖤
I am compelled to say it was her time. I think those details are important to them in the moment but once my mama passed I felt all the bullshit from our relationship fall away and all I felt from her was love. You did your best gramma is proud of you and grateful for what you did for her. She doesn’t want you to hurt yourself with this guilt, it’s ok to set it down. Hugs for you don’t feel bad anymore.
Thank you so much, I needed to hear this. Got me crying in bed 😂 I know it's cheesy to say but I'm glad she's not suffering now, I just miss her a lot.
It’s part of the grieving process to play the what if game and it is a stage that helps bring acceptance so just roll with it let these feelings exist and co template them and think about them and then let them go. They will not bring your beloved grandmother back. And we all do the best thing we think at the time and I am sure a cigarette would not have helped her breathe easier and it us not easy at the end we all do the best we can. I am sorry for your huge loss. Be nice to you
Oh please don’t carry any guilt. You acted out of love and concern. Be kind to yourself and perhaps take yourself on a date or two enjoying the things you liked to do together. I think she might be happy to know you can find joy in activities you used to share.
R.I.P🙏🕊
rip to this beautiful lady!
May her memory be a blessing. My nana was one of my best friends, too, and losing her was like losing part of myself. You showed so much love and care for her, even in choosing comfort care rather than curative for her cancer. Your grief may not abate but you will grow around it. Please take good care of yourself. She would want that.
I am terribly sorry for your loss, may your sweet Nan rest in peace with the angel’s in heaven.
What a sweet picture. Please forgive yourself and don’t live with that guilt. 🫶
Awww! Beautiful 🙏
She looks such a lovely lady. Please do not feel guilty for anything you truly cared and looked after her and she knew how much you loved her 💙