Being gay and intj is a nightmare. I am not into gay culture (bar or sex party or cruises) . Cannot do hookup (because find it meaningless afterwards) . Cannot do open relationship(due to cannot hookup). have no idea how to find a partner.

I find myself only into guys that are intellectual and can do deep talks which is rare. I am in a gay sport league for 10 years and never meet anyone that I have feeling with. I tried gay boardgame but they are simply too easy and quickly become boring once I learnt the rules. Gay reading groups also are not fun because most of the time they read gay romantic fiction.

I do have 3 best straight friends who are my college classmates and we talked very well. They are 2 intjs and one intp. I was also talking to my therapist today that if I shall give up finding a intellectual partner. We discussed and she suggested me not to because if I give up then I will end up staying with someone that I am not really connected to.

So what shall I do? Gay intjs how do you find your partner? Please share your thoughts thank you.

  • Sorry to hear it's been a nightmare

    One idea that's been in the news lately:

    Join a hookup site / voyeur site and just do your intellectual stuff, put it all out there

    like those people who go on pxrnhub and do videos of crocheting or whatever their hobby is

    and feel free to complain about vapid people all you want. do book reviews, favorite films, theories that interest you, etc.

    just an idea tho. GL

    parent

    You inspired me. Maybe I shall get a gay cruise ticket and just enjoy the ocean and read my textbooks on the deck...

    parent root

    You may be onto something

    parent root

  • Find common ground like it’s a checkers game. You have to do it first. Incentivize it. I mean yeah some people are shallow, but you have to find some kind of side quest to make it more intellectually stimulating for you. Once you find that common ground, talk about it. Get the, to open up and dominate the conversation. This is so you can gauge if they’re a red flag before you get too involved. I also saw someone else’s comment about buying a ticket and just reading your books on the hard deck. Solid idea.

    parent

  • I have a doctorate in passive homophobia. Idk how to help you with that mate

    parent

    Let me look into it. I suspect a little

    parent root

    Well i just made therm up

    parent root

  • lots of people apparently find people in places like this by looking for friendship and conversation to start with

    parent

    Starting a conversation is so difficult lol I am trying

    parent root

    Find common ground like it’s a checkers game. You have to do it first. Incentivize it. I mean yeah some people are shallow, but you have to find some kind of side quest to make it more intellectually stimulating for you. Once you find that common ground, talk about it. Get the, to open up and dominate the conversation. This is so you can gauge if they’re a red flag before you get too involved. I also saw someone else’s comment about buying a ticket and just reading your books on the hard deck. Solid idea.

    parent root

  • Partners are overrated

    parent

    Absolutely no. I was in a 5 year relationship and was definitely happy

    parent root

  • You think there are no intellectuals in the gay community, try dating women.

    It is ok to have friends for intellectual connections and a partner who you find hot and covers your weaknesses in life.

    The partner doesn’t have to do it all.

    parent

    There are smart guys in gay community just pretty rare given that gay community is hypersexual..

    parent root

    No doubt, my point is, it’s ok that your long term partner checks 8/10, and not 10/10.

    parent root

    Well that is the tough part. Is deep conversation something that can be discarded as the remaining 2/10? So far at least no for me now. I find ppl attractive when they are smart not when they have big muscles

    parent root

    There are others like you out there that are pretty frustrated that the "community" is dominated by loud hypersexuals. Do the strategic thing: list out your desired traits in a partner, and start cross-referencing them with personality typing systems. Then use those systems and their stereotypes to narrow down your search pattern: look for specific types, or search through specific activities that can draw the kind of person you're looking for.

    parent root

    Yeah I am going to try a hiking group this weekend for first time! Maybe those hiking ppl will be less into parties.. So nervous don't know how to start conversation

    parent root

    Yeah I am going to try a hiking group this weekend for first time! Maybe those hiking ppl will be less into parties.. So nervous don't know how to start conversation

    parent root

    The misogyny here is crazy. You’re not an intellectual if you think half the population is dumber than you just because of their genitals.

    parent root

    Not being an intellectual doesn’t mean one is dumb.

    Caring about medieval swordfighting styles doesn’t make you smart.

    parent root