Earned my upvote for the second last one. I'd only add two things to this list.
learn to practice acceptance, especially with your near and dear ones. People change and grow. It is easy to be lost in "what was" and loose relationships on "what could be".
metacognition is hard. Almost all political problems today exist because people think their intellect is infallible to time. This is untrue. Be vigilant about things/opinions you hold too dearly. Especially as you age.
Never argue with an idiot, they will pull you down to their level and beat you with experience. - Mark Twain
I’ve lost many battles in work settings because of this. And as you can imagine, I’d be right at the end as things played out but playing to win vs playing to do what’s right is not the same game.
How true is this ? People often seem to romanticize getting out of your comfort zone without realizing that sometimes discomfort isn’t growth, it’s your nervous system recognizing that an environment is wrong for you.
Staying anyway can break you rather than build you.
There's no way to grow without doing new things new things are uncomfortable.
Being able to stay regulated while experiencing discomfort is the ideal state.
Sometimes rest is the right move, but for a lot of people (especially women) rest is uncomfortable, because they have been holding their value in productivity.
So capacity to tolerate discomfort is going to help someone who has trouble taking action and people who have trouble with rest, asking for or accepting help from others.
Support & love yourself unconditionally. This means taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, career-wise, etc. Trust your judgement, be unabashedly honest with yourself, and don’t let hiccups or failures define you. Show up for yourself the way your “perfect” or ideal partner would. Don’t wait for someone else to save or see you.
Sounds cheesy and maybe too simple, but love is the greatest power there is (because its what people desire most), and the absence thereof is the real reason for most problems.
Most things people do, the way their mind works and the world view they have, has something to do with it, they just rationalize it and are unaware.
Most of the times you win or lose them, based on whether or not you can make them feel valued and safe, the rest is rationalization.
I can't even predict the way of the world in the next ten days. (Trump x Greenland; Trump x federal reserve; Aliens?!!; ...) What would you plan?? I'm assuming you're planning to gain wealth; it's perfectly possible the dollar-euro is worth half of what it's worth now later this very year.
Sure, those who had the money. What do you think the number one reason is Americans don't escape the US nowadays? You're guilting poor people in being poor there; 'just work harder?!' and such, while being blind for the fact that there's always poor people and rich people in any human society.
Chances are 999 999 in a million you're not Zelensky but a poor Ukrainian citizen. Would you tell them the same? Just work and plan harder? At some point you have to become an existentialist-absurdist and stop believing in your American dream.
Maybe I don't understand the point here. Surely someone can ask you to do something and let you know the proper way to do it, or tell you specifics of how it should be done. This is how most every job functions.
Learn who you are when there are no outside influences. Write down a list of your values. Circle the ones that don't involve other people. Work with those in your free time just for you, and eventually you will become your own bestfriend. When you are content alone, you will identify people who are worth your time and energy more easily and be able to back away from those that are not. Eventually, when you die, you will make that journey alone... I think it will be better to do so with a solid "bestfriend" core, even if you are surrounded by loved ones.
Most of the time, you really are thinking too much and doing too much. Just shut up and live because there is no point in being efficient if you're not happy in your day to day basis.
Important things are often perceived as not until error makes it obvious.
I can tell that general (not detailed or specific) answers on the internet aren't practical as you think, most answers here are like equivalent to reading some quotes on pinterest, it may seem amazing, but you can't instantly make them to be one of your embedded principles, cmiiw.
You always know the right thing to do deep in your heart. You either lie to yourself or don’t have enough courage to take the action. Have more faith in yourself. Is an advice i would give to my younger self
I feel like my most recently discovered advice will be the most profound. I'm still only 22, but I got thrown out at 18 and had to learn some stuff fast. Here goes:
Nobody cares about you, not even your mom. Therefore, you MUST care about yourself. (We like to think our mom cares about us but let's be honest, we're like that trombone she played in high school. That stage of life is over and frankly she ain't going back.)
The first time somebody tells you who they are, listen. Did some people do something horrible to you? Don't gaslight yourself into justifying their behavior just because you don't want to be an offensive person. Cut them off and laugh at their tears.
Quit your job if you don't like it. Motherf*ck that job. You'll make it. Do something you like instead. I quit 8 different jobs and then started college because I realized no jobs were fun for me on the ground. If I never quit, I would never have made it here.
Goes back to number 2. There are people in your community right now that hate your guts that you have never once wronged. Whether or not you realize it, you have carefully crafted a persona so that people will see you in a good light. However, some people are hateful and insecure. Conserve your performative energy for people that are truly decent to you (people that bother to perform for you).
Stand up straight and tall, be relaxed. Try to stay calm in all situations. Act like nothing affects you. Here's why: people like it. People gravitate towards that. I think one of the most sadistic concepts to grace humanity is the idea of being genuine. Genuine? Absolutely not. Genuine is: "fck you and fck everything, I'm going to go drink. Alone." You can't be genuine. People hate it, you will be friendless. Best thing you can do is be quiet, relaxed, engaged, and make a lot of eye contact, and smile as much as you can bring yourself to smile. I know Dale Carnegie says to be yourself because there is only one of you and we don't need another version of whatever you're trying to be. However, the reason why it is hard to be yourself, is because there is no such thing as being yourself. What a joke. Your "self" is the culmination of whatever you observed from others from the ages 1-25 that you thought was cool. Your "self" is constantly in flux, and you decide who your "self" is, every day.
Nobody will hate you more than when you succeed. Be prepared for it, and do not reduce yourself to ease the insecurities of others. That is a waste of time. You can't bleed enough to make everybody happy. Don't bleed for the ego of others.
In summary, and everyone's going to scream at me that I'm a crazy narcissist, but basically, you do have to perform specific behaviors to be attractive in your community, and that involves putting on a public face and being "fake" on some level. You are faking unshakable security out of necessity for social mobility. In addition to this, you need to not waste energy performing to people who are insecure and treat you poorly. You need to save that energy for people that respond well to you. That means walking away.
A quick note on self-help: What is it for?
In my opinion, the only good self-help is that which delivers results. If you decide to apply a self-help philosophy, and you find that it is not helping you succeed at what matters to you, then it is time to find a new philosophy. Example: being genuine is a good philosophy, but boy does it hurt your results, so if your goal is fame or friends or money or love, as is the goal for most, then you need a different strategy. If your goal is self acceptance and nothing else matters to you, then sure, be genuine. I accept myself 100%, and that's why I put on a face - because I recognize that I need to protect that "self", and most people don't deserve to see that, or will react poorly when they do, and rather than modify what I cannot, I would instead let it breathe its own air far from the scrutiny of transgressors.
I hope this huge multiple paragraph response felt real and useful, instead of the kinds of advice people tend to give that only feel nice initially, but lead to idealization and contradiction ultimately.
I'm responding to the portion of the post that I want to respond to, specifically your comments on "You can't be genuine. People hate it, you will be friendless." That's objectively false. It may be true that our behaviors are the culmination of all our observations as you stated, but because that sum culmination for each person is different, we have authenticity. If someone is authentically themselves and friendless, then they need to work on themselves until people gravitate toward them.
Earned my upvote for the second last one. I'd only add two things to this list.
Agree!
Sounds right
Seek consistent improvement over perfection.
Yes!! Progress, not perfection.
It's OK for others to be wrong, sometimes you have to let time prove you right
It's okay to be unwise.
Nice đź‘Ť
Life is not about how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit and still stand up.
~ Rocky Balboa.
Often, "I don't know," is a far more acceptable answer to a question.
"No," is a complete sentence.
Don't apologize for anything that is not in your control or your fault. There is no worse shade on a person than saying, "I'm sorry," all the time.
Make time for what is important to you. Prioritize it!
Never argue with an idiot, they will pull you down to their level and beat you with experience. - Mark Twain
I’ve lost many battles in work settings because of this. And as you can imagine, I’d be right at the end as things played out but playing to win vs playing to do what’s right is not the same game.
People are bored and need to feel.
Damn. That one explains a lot.
It really does.
I…. I never thought of it like that.
Stop blaming personal problems and situations on other people and immutable traits.
It’s better to be happy than it is to be right.
Let it go. It's fine as it is, your resistance to how the world actually is, isn't nearly as important or useful as you think or feel it to be.
Being uncomfortable is normal and all your goals are on the other side of it.
How true is this ? People often seem to romanticize getting out of your comfort zone without realizing that sometimes discomfort isn’t growth, it’s your nervous system recognizing that an environment is wrong for you.
Staying anyway can break you rather than build you.
There's no way to grow without doing new things new things are uncomfortable.
Being able to stay regulated while experiencing discomfort is the ideal state.
Sometimes rest is the right move, but for a lot of people (especially women) rest is uncomfortable, because they have been holding their value in productivity.
So capacity to tolerate discomfort is going to help someone who has trouble taking action and people who have trouble with rest, asking for or accepting help from others.
What you avoid controls you
https://preview.redd.it/rbwrgc4g9zcg1.jpeg?width=649&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=df51a5a9ebc50f93bbaadf6ef828d7188ba5052e
The fuck u meen ?
Change will happen, with little regard to your preferences. Expect it, prepare for it, accept it.
Don’t take too much time examining folly, just see what it accomplishes.
Sometimes the destination will be different when you arrive.
If all you see is nails you will think a hammer is the only tool you need but problems come in many forms.
Stuff gets f'ed up pick up the peices and rebuild.
If you just give up that is when you failed, if you try again you only learned what doesnt work.
Your not a failure if you keep trying your resilient.
Support & love yourself unconditionally. This means taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, career-wise, etc. Trust your judgement, be unabashedly honest with yourself, and don’t let hiccups or failures define you. Show up for yourself the way your “perfect” or ideal partner would. Don’t wait for someone else to save or see you.
Nothing changes if nothing changes
Sounds cheesy and maybe too simple, but love is the greatest power there is (because its what people desire most), and the absence thereof is the real reason for most problems. Most things people do, the way their mind works and the world view they have, has something to do with it, they just rationalize it and are unaware.
Most of the times you win or lose them, based on whether or not you can make them feel valued and safe, the rest is rationalization.
[deleted]
In this world? Good luck.
[deleted]
I can't even predict the way of the world in the next ten days. (Trump x Greenland; Trump x federal reserve; Aliens?!!; ...) What would you plan?? I'm assuming you're planning to gain wealth; it's perfectly possible the dollar-euro is worth half of what it's worth now later this very year.
[deleted]
Yes, I understand. And I'm telling you you're naive. Tell me, would you have recommended this to jews in '39 Germany?
[deleted]
Sure, those who had the money. What do you think the number one reason is Americans don't escape the US nowadays? You're guilting poor people in being poor there; 'just work harder?!' and such, while being blind for the fact that there's always poor people and rich people in any human society.
[deleted]
Implicitly, your argument leads to blaming lazy people for their poverty. Am I wrong?
[deleted]
'Odds' are only meaningfull in an orderly, predictable context. This is chaos.
[deleted]
Chances are 999 999 in a million you're not Zelensky but a poor Ukrainian citizen. Would you tell them the same? Just work and plan harder? At some point you have to become an existentialist-absurdist and stop believing in your American dream.
“No” is a complete answer. It is not always necessary to explain your answer.
Someone can ask you to do something or tell you how they want it done, not both.
Maybe I don't understand the point here. Surely someone can ask you to do something and let you know the proper way to do it, or tell you specifics of how it should be done. This is how most every job functions.
To everything there is a season
Learn who you are when there are no outside influences. Write down a list of your values. Circle the ones that don't involve other people. Work with those in your free time just for you, and eventually you will become your own bestfriend. When you are content alone, you will identify people who are worth your time and energy more easily and be able to back away from those that are not. Eventually, when you die, you will make that journey alone... I think it will be better to do so with a solid "bestfriend" core, even if you are surrounded by loved ones.
Most of the time, you really are thinking too much and doing too much. Just shut up and live because there is no point in being efficient if you're not happy in your day to day basis.
learn how money actually works
Assume everyone might betray you and you'll never be dissapointed.
Important things are often perceived as not until error makes it obvious.
I can tell that general (not detailed or specific) answers on the internet aren't practical as you think, most answers here are like equivalent to reading some quotes on pinterest, it may seem amazing, but you can't instantly make them to be one of your embedded principles, cmiiw.
You always know the right thing to do deep in your heart. You either lie to yourself or don’t have enough courage to take the action. Have more faith in yourself. Is an advice i would give to my younger self
I feel like my most recently discovered advice will be the most profound. I'm still only 22, but I got thrown out at 18 and had to learn some stuff fast. Here goes:
Nobody cares about you, not even your mom. Therefore, you MUST care about yourself. (We like to think our mom cares about us but let's be honest, we're like that trombone she played in high school. That stage of life is over and frankly she ain't going back.)
The first time somebody tells you who they are, listen. Did some people do something horrible to you? Don't gaslight yourself into justifying their behavior just because you don't want to be an offensive person. Cut them off and laugh at their tears.
Quit your job if you don't like it. Motherf*ck that job. You'll make it. Do something you like instead. I quit 8 different jobs and then started college because I realized no jobs were fun for me on the ground. If I never quit, I would never have made it here.
Goes back to number 2. There are people in your community right now that hate your guts that you have never once wronged. Whether or not you realize it, you have carefully crafted a persona so that people will see you in a good light. However, some people are hateful and insecure. Conserve your performative energy for people that are truly decent to you (people that bother to perform for you).
Stand up straight and tall, be relaxed. Try to stay calm in all situations. Act like nothing affects you. Here's why: people like it. People gravitate towards that. I think one of the most sadistic concepts to grace humanity is the idea of being genuine. Genuine? Absolutely not. Genuine is: "fck you and fck everything, I'm going to go drink. Alone." You can't be genuine. People hate it, you will be friendless. Best thing you can do is be quiet, relaxed, engaged, and make a lot of eye contact, and smile as much as you can bring yourself to smile. I know Dale Carnegie says to be yourself because there is only one of you and we don't need another version of whatever you're trying to be. However, the reason why it is hard to be yourself, is because there is no such thing as being yourself. What a joke. Your "self" is the culmination of whatever you observed from others from the ages 1-25 that you thought was cool. Your "self" is constantly in flux, and you decide who your "self" is, every day.
Nobody will hate you more than when you succeed. Be prepared for it, and do not reduce yourself to ease the insecurities of others. That is a waste of time. You can't bleed enough to make everybody happy. Don't bleed for the ego of others.
In summary, and everyone's going to scream at me that I'm a crazy narcissist, but basically, you do have to perform specific behaviors to be attractive in your community, and that involves putting on a public face and being "fake" on some level. You are faking unshakable security out of necessity for social mobility. In addition to this, you need to not waste energy performing to people who are insecure and treat you poorly. You need to save that energy for people that respond well to you. That means walking away.
A quick note on self-help: What is it for? In my opinion, the only good self-help is that which delivers results. If you decide to apply a self-help philosophy, and you find that it is not helping you succeed at what matters to you, then it is time to find a new philosophy. Example: being genuine is a good philosophy, but boy does it hurt your results, so if your goal is fame or friends or money or love, as is the goal for most, then you need a different strategy. If your goal is self acceptance and nothing else matters to you, then sure, be genuine. I accept myself 100%, and that's why I put on a face - because I recognize that I need to protect that "self", and most people don't deserve to see that, or will react poorly when they do, and rather than modify what I cannot, I would instead let it breathe its own air far from the scrutiny of transgressors.
I hope this huge multiple paragraph response felt real and useful, instead of the kinds of advice people tend to give that only feel nice initially, but lead to idealization and contradiction ultimately.
Consider that if you're being yourself and people find it off-putting then you need to work on yourself.
Do you see how you've ignored 90% of the premise in developing this dumbass response?
I'm responding to the portion of the post that I want to respond to, specifically your comments on "You can't be genuine. People hate it, you will be friendless." That's objectively false. It may be true that our behaviors are the culmination of all our observations as you stated, but because that sum culmination for each person is different, we have authenticity. If someone is authentically themselves and friendless, then they need to work on themselves until people gravitate toward them.
Read the Bible.